Related:

• I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy. -- Emo Phillip
• I'm from Downers Grove, Illinois. We had a blackout there the other day, but fortunately the police made him get back into his car before he got too far.
  -- Emo Phillip...
• Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash.
  -- Emo Phillip...
• When I drink, *everybody* drinks!" a man shouted to the assembled bar patrons.
  A loud general cheer went up. After downing his whiskey, he hopped onto a barstool and shouted "When I take another drink, *everybody* takes another drink!...
• NY cops go bar-hopping; LA cops go night-clubbing.
• I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed.
  So I said, "Get off me, you two!" -- Emo Phillip...
• Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his barstool and lay motionless on the floor.
  "One thing about Jim," the other said to the bartender, "he sure knows when to stop....
• The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on television?
  I said, "I don't know. You can't see out the other way." -- Emo Phillip...
• My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
  -- Emo Philip...