Related:

• Despair is like a cable that is buried just under the surface of the ground.
  You pull it up and pull it up, but that cable just keeps right on going, clear across a field, until you come to a bunch of guys who are burying the cable....
• I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground.
  That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• Gene police... You! Out of the pool.
• You! Out of the gene pool--NOW!
• It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the preside
  because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something....
• If you're a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else
  just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball....
• The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat.
  And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?...
• Here's a good gag if you go swimming in a swamp and when you com out you're all covered with leeches.
  Just say, "Hey, has anybody seen my raisins?" (Because leeches kind of look like big raisins....
• If you're ever selling your house, and some people come by
  and a big rat comes out and he's dragging the rattrap because it didn't quite kill him, just tell the people he's your pet and that's a trick you taught him....