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• When I think back on all the blessings I have been given in my life, I can't think of a single one, unless you count that rattlesnake that granted me all those wishes.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• Marta was watching the football game with me when she said, "You know, most of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its territory from invasion by another group.
  Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• When the chairman introduced the guest speaker as a former illegal alien, I got up from my chair and yelled, "What's the matter, no jobs on Mars?
  When no one laughed, I was real embarrassed. I don't think people should make you feel that way....
• One thing about my Aunt Nadie: She was gruff on the outside, but if you ever needed something, like a spanking or a scolding, she'd give it to you.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• Of all the tall tales, I think my favorite is the one about Eli Whitney and the interchangeable parts.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• I think a new, different kind of bowling should be "carpet bowling.
  It's just like regular bowling, only the lanes are carpet instead of wood....
• I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• Too bad there's not such a thing as a GOLDEN skunk, because you'd probably be PROUD to be sprayed by one.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...