Related:

• Never steal anything so small that you'll have to go to an unpleasant city jail for it instead of a minimum-security federal tennis prison.
  -- P. J. O'Rourke...
• Never fight an inanimate object. -- P. J. O'Rourke
• Never feed your cat anything that clashes with the carpet!
• Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife. -- P. J. O'Rourke
• Never serve oysters during a month that has no paycheck. -- P. J. O'Rourke
• How I love C! The only language where main(){ puts("hello, world!
  ); } is equivalent to int i;main(){for(;i["]
• Never refuse wine. It is an odd but universally held opinion that anyone who doesn't drink must be an alcoholic.
  -- P. J. O'Rourke...
• Don't give a woman advice: one should never give a woman anything she can't wear in the evening.
  -- Oscar Wilde...