Related:

• When [Jack Kennedy] ran for office the first time, he carried a loose-leaf book of quotations around with him.
  One of them was from his father. "More men die of jealousy than of cancer," it read....
• Number One: Homer Simpson, for your continuing and baffling desecration of our beloved sacred parchment, you are hereby banished from the stonecutters forever.
  And as a final humiliation, you must walk home naked, dragging behind you the Stone of Shame....
• DEBT, n. An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slave- driver.
  As, pent in an aquarium, the troutlet Swims round and round his tank to find an outlet, Pressing his nose against the glass that holds him, Nor ever sees the prison that enfolds him...
• When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins.
  Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic....
• My ritual differs slightly. What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I hop into the shower stall.
  Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped in I landed barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot character from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off of while he showers....
• What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I hop into the shower stall.
  Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped in I landed barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot character from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off of while he showers....
• Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are.
  On one side, you have George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of fraternity hazing wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating stunts to win the approval of the Republican Right....
• Vet: Your dog's condition has been upgraded from stable to frisky, [SLH walks out with his hind legs in a cast on rollers] and he's free to go.
  His legs should be as good as new in a few months, but in the meantime he'll have to use the wheelabout....