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• Sloth makes all things difficult, but industry all easy
  and he that riseth late, must trot all day, and shall scarce overtake his business at nigh...
• At the hospital, a doctor is training an intern on how to announce bad news to the patients.
  The doctor tells the intern "This man in 305 is going to die in six months....
• Jacques: First, you must get to know your lane. Feel the slickness, feel the slippery finish.
  Caresses it, experience it. Quite smooth, isn't it?...
• A farmer decides that his three sows should be bred, and contacts a buddy down the road, who owns several boars.
  They agree on a stud fee, and the farmer puts the sows in his pickup and takes them down the road to the boars....
• YOUR FOAMY FUTURE by Miss Fortune CANCER (Jun 22 - July 22) You've been awarded a clean bill of health this month and you feel you owe it all to the excessive amount of Vitamin B
  Iron, and Malt you get in your beer. Being healthy is admirable but don't you think you're going to feel stupid one day lying in a hospital dying of nothing?...
• Well, there were sixty-eight people there, and sixty-two of them had no more desire to throw a stone than you had.
  Satan! Oh, it's true. I know your race. It is made up of sheep....
• Dave: [in a wooden voice] Represented on this next float is Roger Myers Sr.
  who founded his company in 1921, and struck it big when he teamed up a mouse named Itchy with a cat named Scratchy....
• A German soldier in Paris, 1940. He takes the first girl he sees to a hotel room, has his way with her, and says arrogantly, "In nine months, you'll have a baby.
  Call him Adolf." She replies sweetly, "In two weeks you'll have a rash....
• Tis the voice of the Lobster: I heard him declare "You have baked me too brown, I must sugar my hair.
  As a duck with its eyelids, so he with his nose Trims his belt and his buttons, and turns out his toes....