Related:

• Did you hear about the logician who got a kidney stone from too much dirty dancing?
  It was diagnosed as a lambada calculus....
• Lighten up! You take yourself much too seriously!
• You are a sociable, outgoing person with an honest face who applies your talents creatively to academic and business pursuits.
  Your calculus grades may be misleading, but skill at lying, deception, and abusing people's trust is much more useful than calculus anyway....
• Before you unburden yourself of your problems, recall to mind that half the people to whom you tell these could not care less, but if they could, they would make the effort.
  The other half, to whom you might unburden yourself, are happy to hear of your misfortunes, thinking that finally, you are getting what you deserve....
• Think much, speak little, and write less. However, if you are going to write
  it is well to write what you think people think you think rather than what you think, because people have no idea what you think, and likely as not, are uninterested....
• If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people. -- Bobby Slayto
• The great rule is not to talk about money with people who have much more or much less than you.
  -- Katharine Whiteho...
• If you eat Twinkies Lite, do you kill one third less people?
  No, but you get a much lighter sentence...
• If you don't like yourself, you can't like other people. -- Robert Heinlein, Time Enough for Love