Related:

• Conservative, n: a statesman who is enamoured of existing evils, as distinguished from a Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.
  -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 1911...
• GLUTTON, n. A person who escapes the evils of moderation by committing dyspepsia.
  -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary...
• AGITATOR, n. A statesman who shakes the fruit trees of his neighbors -- to dislodge the worms.
  -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary...
• PLEBEIAN, n. An ancient Roman who in the blood of his country stained nothing but his hands.
  Distinguished from the Patrician, who was a saturated solution....
• A liberal is a conservative who's been arrested. A conservative is a liberal who's been mugged.
• HARMONISTS, n. A sect of Protestants, now extinct, who came from Europe in the beginning of the last century and were distinguished for the bitterness of their internal controversies and dissensions.
  -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary...
• POVERTY, n. A file provided for the teeth of the rats of reform.
  The number of plans for its abolition equals that of the reformers who suffer from it, plus that of the philosophers who know nothing about it....
• A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
  -- Ambrose Bierce...
• HEBREW, n. A male Jew, as distinguished from the Shebrew, an altogether superior creation.
  -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary...