Related:

• It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Martha cook up about a hundred drumsticks, the the guy at the Marineland says, "You can't throw chicken to the dolphins.
  They eat fish." Sure they eat fish, if that's all you give them....
• MARTA SAYS THE INTERESTING thing about fly-fishing is that its two lives connected by a thin strand.
  Come on, Marta, grow up. -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988....
• MEMORIES OF MY FAMILY MEETINGS still are a source of strength to me.
  I remember we'd all get into the car -- I forget what kind it was -- and drive and drive....
• I BET WHEN NEANDERTHAL KIDS would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick heavy brows.
  Then they would get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman....
• MARTA WAS WATCHING THE FOOTBALL GAME with me when she said, "You know most of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its territory from invasion by another group.
  "Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny. -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988....
• THE OLD POOL SHOOTER had won many a game in his life.
  But now it was time to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing go the floor....
• I GUESS OF ALL MY UNCLES, I liked Uncle Caveman the best.
  We called him Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat one of us....
• I'D LIKE TO BE BURIED INDIAN-STYLE, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground.
  That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it....
• I WISH I HAD A KRYPTONITE CROSS, because then you could keep both Dracula and Superman away.
  -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988....