[District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there are two
sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity:
(1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and confiscate
53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a pile and hold a press conference
where you announce that they have a street value of $850 million. These
raids never fail, because ALL high schools, including brand-new, never-used
ones, have at least 53 marijuana cigarettes in the lockers. As far as anyone
can tell, the locker factory puts them there.
(2) Raid an "adult book store" and hold a press conference where you
announce you are charging the owner with 850 counts of being a piece of
human sleaze. This also never fails, because you always get a conviction. A
juror at a pornography trial is not about to state for the record that he
finds nothing obscene about a movie where actors engage in sexual activities
with live snakes and a fire extinguisher. He is going to convict the
bookstore owner, and vote for the death penalty just to make sure nobody
gets the wrong impression.
If I could read your mind, love,
What a tale your thoughts could tell
Just like a paperback novel,
The kind the drugstore sells,
When you reach the part where the heartaches come,
The hero would be me,
Heroes often fail,
You won't read that book again, because
the ending is just too hard to take....
