Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a
conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and
watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three
people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch
and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The
accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram
into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket,
please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a
ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The accountants
saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the
conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return
trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all). When they
get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To
their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are
you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train
the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers
cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward,
one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the
restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and
says, "Ticket, please."

Three engineers were in the bathroom standing at the urinals. The
first engineer finished and walked over to the sink to wash his hands.
He then proceeded to dry his hands very carefully. He used paper towel
after paper towel and ensured that every single spot of water on his
hands was dried. Turning to the other two engineers, he said, "At
Hewlett Packard, we are trained to be extremely thorough."

The second engineer finished his task at the urinal and he proceeded
to wash his hands. He used a single paper towel and made sure that he
dried his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He
turned and said, "At Lockheed-Martin, not only are we trained to be
extremely thorough, but we are also trained to be extremely
efficient."

The third engineer finished and walked straight for the door, shouting
over his shoulder, "At Apple Computer, Inc. we don't pee on our
hands."

In a recent issue of Meat & Poultry magazine, editors quoted from
''Feathers,'' the publication of the California Poultry Industry
Federation, telling the following story:
It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device
for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a
gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at
approximately the speed the airplane flies. The theory is that if the
windshield can withstand the carcass test impact, it'll survive a real
collision with a bird during flight.

Apparently, the British were very interested in this and wanted to
test a windshield on a brand new, high-speed train they were
developing.. They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded a
chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken not only shattered the
windshield, but went through the engineer's seat, broke an instrument
panel, and was imbedded in the back wall of the engine cab. The
British were stunned and asked the FAA to review the test to see if
everything was done correctly.

The FAA reviewed the data thoroughly and had one recommendation: ''Use
a thawed chicken.''

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He
reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon
further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30
feet above this field."

You must be an engineer" says the balloonist.

"I am" replies the man. "How did you know."

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is
technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."

The man below says "you must be in management."

"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're
going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same
position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks
his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong
place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty
soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in
hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile,
they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the
engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer,
"So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air
conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling
what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he
should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm
keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where
are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Normal people... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough
features yet.

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the
glass is half-empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the
possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical
engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system
has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a
toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

What do you get when you cross a hooker with a systems engineer?

A fuckin' know-it-all!

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one asked,
"Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday
minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike.
She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,
"Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes
probably wouldn't have fit."

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to
him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back
into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and
returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back I'll stay
with you for one week and do anything you want!"

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back
into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything
you want!"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with
these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

"Ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper.
Let's have a word with him." [dramatic pause]

"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather
slow aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind
firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire
last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad I think I will say a special prayer
for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my
ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it
was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said, "I enjoyed time with my wife, building a solid
foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said, "I enjoyed time with my mistress, because of the
passion and mystery I found there."

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?" they questioned.

The Engineer said, "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will
each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go
to the lab and get some work done."