"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."


"I love cats . . . they taste just like chicken"


"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."


"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."


"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools"


"Happiness is a belt-fed weapon"


"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."


"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"


"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather . . .
Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car . . . ."


"Tow-ers will be violated"


"Montana -- At least our cows are sane!"


"The gene pool could use a little chlorine."


"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a
vegetarian."


"Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus."


"It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."


"Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips."


"Friends don't let Friends drive Naked."


"Wink, I'll do the rest!"


"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."


"When there's a will, I want to be in it!"


"Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?"


"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"


"Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!"


"It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."


"Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!"


"Forget about World Peace . . . Visualize Using Your Turn Signal! "


"Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."


"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."


"We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse."


"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."


"He who laughs last thinks slowest"


"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."


"Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."


"Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies."


"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."


"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."


"i souport publik edekasion"


"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."


"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."


"3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."


"Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"


"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"


"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!' . . . till you can find a
rock."


"2 + 2 = 6 for extremely large values of 2."


"I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic
particles."

The following were actually taken from recent
classified adds in newspapers:




1 man, 7 woman hot tub -- $850/offer

Amana washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.

Snow blower for sale...only used on snowy days.

Free puppies...part German Shepherd part Dog

2 wire mesh butchering gloves, 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15

Tickle Me Elmo, still in box, comes with it's own 1988 Mustang, 5L,
auto, excellent condition $6800

Cows, calves never bred... also 1 gay bull for sale.

'83 Toyota Hunchback -- $2000

Star Wars Job Of The Hut -- $15

Free puppies: part Cocker Spaniel - part sneaky neighbor's dog

Free Yorkshire Terrier. 8 years old. Unpleasant little dog.

Soft & genital bath tissues or facial tissue - 89 cents

German Shephard. 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.

Full sized mattress. 20 yr warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell.

Free 1 can of pork & beans with purchase of 3 br 2 bth home.

For sale: Lee Majors (6 million dollar man) - $50

Nordic Track $300 - hardly used - call Chubbie

Bill's Septic Cleaning - "We haul american made products"

Shakespeare's Pizza - free chopsticks

Found: dirty white dog...looks like a rat...been out awhile...better be
reward.

Hummels - largest selection ever - "If it's in stock, we have it!"

Get a little john:the traveling urinal - holds 2 bottles of beer.

Harrisburg Postal Employees Gun Club

Georgia Peaches - California grown - 89 cents lb.

Nice parachute - never opened - used once - slightly stained

Free: farm kittens. Ready to eat.

American Flag - 60 stars - pole included - $100

Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing
and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour.

Notice: To person or persons who took the large pumpkin
on highway 87 near southridge storage. Please return the pumpkin
and be checked. Pumpkin may be radioactive. All other plants in
vincinity are dead.

Exercise equipment: Queen size mattress & box spring -$175.

Our sofa seats the whole mob - and it's made of 100% Italian leather.

Joining nudist colony, must sell washer & dryer - $300.

Lawyer says client is not that guilty.

Alzheimer's center prepares for an affair to remember

Ground Beast: 99 cents lb.

Gas cloud clears out Taco Bell.

Bar S Sliced Balogna - regular or tasty - save 30 cents on 2

Open house - body shapers toning salon - free coffee & donuts

Kellogg's Pot Tarts - $1.99 box

Fully cooked boneless smoked man - $2.09 lb.