Oh I am just a typical American boy [with a filthy rich grandpa]
> from a typical American town [where my daddy runs the newspaper]
I believe in God and Senator Dodd
and keeping old Castro down. [not to mention Daniel Ortega]
And when it came my time to serve
I knew better dead than red, [or is it better red than dead?]
but when I got to my old draft board,
buddy this is what I said. [for I was already in the Nat'l Guard]
Sarge I'm only 18, I got a ruptured spleen [my father made a few calls]
and I always carry a purse;
I got eyes like a bat and my feet are flat [friends made some more calls]
and my asthma's getting worse.
Yes think of my career and my sweetheart dear [America needs more lawyers!]
and my poor old invalid aunt;
besides I ain't no fool I'm going to school [Even as a teenager I loved the
and I'm working in a defense plant. military-industrial complex]
I got a dislocated disk & a racked up back [My daddy made me carry the
I'm allergic to flowers and bugs; entire circulation one day]
when the bombshell hits I get epileptic fits
and I'm addicted to a thousand drugs. [the Dukakis campaign knows
I got the weakness woes I can't touch my toes I smoked pot in law school]
I can hardly reach my knees;
and if the enemy came close to me [I've always been allergic
I'd probably start to sneeze. to slanteye communists]
I hate Chou Enlai and I hope he dies, [now I love Deng Xioping]
but one thing you gotta see:
that someone's gotta go over there [why can't the poor go fight?]
and that someone isn't me. [you bet-- my daddy's rich]
So I wish you well, Sarge give 'em hell,
kill me a thousand or so; [torture a few Nicaraguans too]
if you ever get a war without blood and gore
I'll be the first to go. [that's why I support SDI!]
