1. Enter your social security number:
___-__-____
2. How much money did you make last year?
___________
3. Send it in.
4. How much money do you have in savings?
5. Send that in, too.
6. Please enter comments/complaints here: [ ]
Jesse's addendum:
Oh, BTW, we'll be taking your pension fund too.
And we're taxing your company out of existence. Please attach "YOUR NEW
OFFICIAL WELFARE APPLICATION FORM".
Clinton: "I will consult both sides of the issue on Free Trade."
Reporter: "Uh, That would be you Governor Clinton!"
The May Day parade in Moscow is the largest, most important military parade of
the year. For 1992's parade, Yeltsin and Gorbachev invited Bill Clinton to
come watch it with them.
The parade commenced with a battalion of tanks, followed by a division of
infantry, followed by armored personnel carriers and mobile artillery. They
had mobile ballistic missile launchers, electronic jamming vehicles, and
throughout the entire time the formations were overflown by squadrons of the
most advanced interceptors, fighters, and long-range tactical and strategic
bombers. Clinton, who had never been this close to war in his life, was
suitably impressed.
Then he noticed that, way back at the end of the parade, there was a
disorganized, messy bunch of men in rumpled suits tagging along behind the
last artillery pieces.
"Who are they?" he asked.
"Ah," said Yeltsin, "those are our economists!"
"But I thought this parade was military..." said Clinton, confused.
"Mr. Clinton," said Gorbachev, "have you SEEN the damage those men can do?"
Q: What's the definition of an Arkansas Virgin?
A: A girl that can run faster than the Governor.
Q: What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes *he* did?
A: A dead girlfriend.
I just heard that Bill Clinton visited the White House a couple of days ago
and got quite a surpirse. I guess he was jogging one morning and saw that
someone had written "Clinton Sucks!" in the snow (you know, yellow snow?).
Anyway, Clinton was furious and ordered an investigation. And so after the
investigation was completed Clinton demanded the results. The head of the
Secret Service said "Well Sir, we have a problem. We did tests on the urine
and determined that it belonged to Jesse Jackson, but that's not the problem.
The problem is that it is Hillary's handwriting!"
"On the first day of Clinton, he promised we will see a tax cut for you and
for me.
"On the second day of Clinton, he promised we will see two more million jobs,
and a tax cut for you and for me.
"On the third day of Clinton, he promised we will see three liberal judges,
two more million jobs, and a tax cut for you and for me.
"On the fourth day of Clinton, he promised we will see four balanced budgets,
three liberal judges, two more million jobs, and a tax cut for you and for me.
"On the fifth day of Clinton, he promised we will see five folding wings of
the Air Force. Four balanced budgets, three liberal judges, two more million
jobs, and a tax cut for you and for me.
"On the sixth day of Clinton, he promised we will see six billion in aid to
students, five folding wings of the Air Force. Four balanced budgets, three
liberal judges, two more million jobs, and a tax cut for you and for me.
"On the seventh day of Clinton, he promised we will see seven days a week of
health care, six billion in aid to students, five folding wings (of the Air
Force). Four balanced budgets, three liberal judges, two more million jobs,
and a tax cut for you and for me.
"On the eighth day of Clinton, he promised we will see aid to Somalia, seven
days a week of health care, six billion in aid to students, five folding wings
(of the Air Force). Four balanced budgets, three liberal judges, two more
million jobs, and a tax cut for you and for me.
"On the ninth day of Clinton, he promised we will see `nein' to German
competitors, aid to Somalia, seven days a week of health care, six billion in
aid to students, five folding wings (of the Air Force). Four balanced budgets,
three liberal judges, two more million jobs, and a tax cut for you and for me.
"On the tenth day of Clinton, he promised we will see attention to the
deficit, `nein' to German competitors, aid to Somalia, seven days a week of
health care, six billion in aid to students, five folding wings (of the Air
Force). Four balanced budgets, three liberal judges, two more million jobs,
and a tax cut for you and for me.
"On the eleventh day of Clinton, he promised we will see eleven billion for
Boris, attention to the deficit, `nein' to German competitors, aid to Somalia,
seven days a week of health care, six billion in aid to students, five folding
wings (of the Air Force). Four balanced budgets, three liberal judges, two
more million jobs, and a tax cut for you and for me.
"On the twelfth day of Clinton, he promised we will see twelve jobs for
Hillary, eleven billion for Boris, attention to the deficit, `nein' to German
competitors, aid to Somalia, seven days a week of health care, six billion in
aid to students, five folding wings (of the Air Force). Four balanced budgets,
three liberal judges, two more million jobs, and a tax cut for you and for me."
LITTLE ROCK --- Right before Christmas, President-elect Bill Clinton lost his
voice, probably because of allergies to all the Christmas greenery at the
Arkansas governor's mansion. The President-elect puts up with the allergies
to get in the holiday spirit -- he "hangs pine garlands and mistletoe," but
he was surprised they bothered him because he doesn't inhale. An aide said
the allergies are "nothing to worry about," they just make the president-elect
stuffed up and irritable. The future President was quoted as saying something
like "I doad doe whad de fug yur talkin' aboud. I feel fide. I could
negoadiate a tready. Bud off. Get owda here." Given how often he loses his
voice, his aides say the President-elect is learning "an internationally
understandable set of gestures," in case he has to negotiate when he is
totally voiceless and cranky.
In a related story, Clinton aides refused to explain why there is
mistletoe hung over such odd locations as the secretarial pool, near the
women's restroom, and on Gennifer Flower's automobile dashboard.
Well, we're now a week into the Clinton administration, and the problems
of the nation have been solved. Taxes on the middle class have been cut.
President Clinton has taken a stance against waste and ordered a 10%
across-the-board cut in government spending, and a national health care
plan has been put together to provide basic medical services at a
reasonable cost, one which will be competitive with commercial insurers.
Ha ha, only kidding....
Actually, Mr. Slick has barely figured out how to operate the desk phone
in the oval office, and the feces are striking the ventilation equipment
with a rythym that might make for a good rap tune.
The leaders of the Senate - folks like Dan Moynihan and Sam Nunn (both
democrats, BTW) are looking downright embarassed at the simultaneous
display of supreme arrogance and ignorace that seems to characterize the
Clinton administration. Republican house members are being
uncharacteristically quiet - perhaps just letting Mr. Slick select his
rope?
(Another possibility is that we will see a congress and senate that will
realize that they basically have a loose cannon in the White House, and
do their best to minimize the damage. And the thought of Congress being
more responsible than the president is Scary. Stock-up-on-ammunition-
and-canned-goods type of Scary.)
Taxes: Better get out the vaseline, folks: That 4% tax increase that was
only going to apply to people making over $200k looks like it might
actually be 8%, and the folks making less than half that $200k figure
are getting ready for a "regrettable necessity" announcement expected in
the next couple of months. The latest estimate is that, if he wants to
provide any cut, even to the absolute lowest brackets, he's going to
have to start boosting taxes at a family income of about $50k.
Oh, and everybody better get used to paying more for gas: Al Gore (who
has done something remarkable by making Dan Quayle look like a model of
sophistication and intellect) has discovered oxygenated gas. Even though
it's been proved irrefutably that this has no measurable benefit (and,
in fact, several drawbacks - one of them being a significantly higher
cost). Oh, and you're going to be getting slapped with an Energy Tax,
but poor folks might be entitled to a rebate from an agency whose
existance will be paid for with the gas tax, and whose sole purpose will
be to administer the collection and disbursement of energy taxes.
Latest news is that, even with the worst-case tax increases, Clinton's
health plan will end up gobbling up more money than his spending cuts
and tax increases will raise, and boost the deficit just a teensy,
weensy bit. Say a couple hundred billion or so. And that's from the
democratic spin doctors, who are making a valiant effort at damage
control, so you can be pretty sure that the Actual Mileage Will Probably
Be Lower.
I can sense a feeling in America, something like that of a drunk waking
up on Saturday morning, going "oh God, what did I do?" Well, folks, a
couple of Tylenol ain't even going to touch the headache that Slick
"Night Train" Clinton is going to give you! When Clinton was elected, I
hoped that I'd be able to get a few laughs at his spastic attempts to
manage the country - but what I'm presented with, reading the paper
every day, is an embarassment of riches. The man makes George Bush look
like a distinguished elder statesman.
Slick Willy's Queen Berets (sung to the tune of The Green Berets)
Falling fairies from the skies;
I broke a nail, oh I could cry;
Don't you like how my tushy sways;
We are the fags of the Queen Berets.
Slick Willy's words upon my ears;
"You guys have rights, be proud you queers;"
I once was scared, now I'm OK;
Cause I'm a fag in the Queen Berets.
Put silver earclips on our nuts;
We love the pain, now spank our butts,
The way you walk is awfully cute;
I sure would love to pack your chute.
This Army stuff is really slick;
Free meals and clothes and lots of dick;
When I retire, I'll still get paid;
So thank you Bill, from the Queen Berets.
When my lover gets aids, I will not worry;
If the government won't pay we'll leave it to the jury;
All medical bills paid, I'm no longer afraid;
Thank you tax payers, from the Queen Berets.
I can't wait to jump in a fox hole;
I just hope that it's with Bob Hope;
They say he cares about all us soldiers;
We'll find out, when my hands are on his shoulders.
At the end of day we turn out the lights;
Practice torpedo runs into the night;
Then we practice our fencing, I thay touche;
We are the fags of the Queen Berets.
