It's time throw some bull -- not just any kind of bull, but an Irish bull.
And while we're at it, let's throw a whole herd of Irish bulls.
What is an Irish bull? Some dismiss it as a silly blunder, allegedly endemic
to the Emerald Isle. Others more affectionately describe an Irish bull
as a statement fueled by a delightful absurdity that sparks forth a memorable
truth.
A favorite definition of the genre issued from Professor John Pentland Mahaffey
of Dublin University. When asked the differennce between an Irish and
any other kind of bull, Mahaffey replied, "An Irish bull is always pregnant."
providing a definition that is itself an example of the form defined.
Irish literature and folklore are fraught with bulls:
* An Irishman is never at peace except when he's fighting.
* An Irishman will die before letting himself be buried outside of
Ireland.
* May you never live to see your wife a widow.
* Gentlemen, it appears to be unanimous that we cannot agree.
* God bless the Holy Trinity.
* The most unpleasant thing about him is that when he isn't drunk,
he's sober.
* Talk about thin! Well, you're thin. and I'm thin, but he's as thin
as the pair of us put together!
* Half the lies our opponents tell about us are not true.
* This piece is chock full of omissions.
* A man cannot be in two places at once, unless he is a bird.
* I marvel at the strength of human weakness.
* Your Honner, I was sober enough to know I was dhroonk.
Any implications that the Irish have cornered the bull are completely
unwarranted. Some of the best bulls thrive far from the green fields of
Ireland, and Americans have contributed more than their share of taurine
eloquence:
* You couldn't get me on Mars if it were the last place on earth.
-- Erma Cohen
* If Roosevelt were alive today, he'd turn over in his grave.
-- attributed to Samuel Goldwyn and umpteen others
* I wish the Arabs and the Jews would settle their differences like
Christian gentlemen. -- attributed to Arthur Ballour and others
* Football is an incredible game. Sometimes it's so incredible, it's
unbelievable. -- Tom Landry
* Listen to that! Eighty thousand football fans and not one of them
is making a sound! Broadcast of NFC football game.
* All generalizations are bad. -- R.H. Grenier
* The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small."
-- Woody Allen
* Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club
that will have me as a member. -- Groucho Marx
* Cocaine isn't habit forming. I should know -- I've been using it
for years. -- Talullah Bankhead
* If you live to the age of a hundred, you have it made because very
very few people die past the age of a hundred. -- George Burns
* Always be sincere, even when you don't mean it. -- Irene Peter
* Live withion your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.
-- Josh Billings
* Wagner's music is better than it sounds. -- Mark Twain
* People are more than fun than anybody. -- Dorothy Parker
* I don't want to be a millionaiare. I just want to live like
one. -- Joe E. Lewis
* If we're gonna win, we have to play up to and beyond our potential.
-- Don Nelson
* Of course I can keep secrets. It's the people I tell them to that
can't keep them. -- Anthony Haden-Guest
* It takes about ten years to get used to how old you are. -- anonymous
* Dear Teacher: Please excuse my son Joseph's absence on Firday as it
was Ash Wednesday. Signed My Mother.
* From now on we shall offer police jobs to qualified women regard
of sex. -- A New Jersey town's affirmitive action statement
* THE BEST CURE FOR INSOMNIA IS TO GET A LOT OF SLEEP. -- W. C. Fields
* I don't care how much a man talks, if he only says it in a few words.
-- Josh Billings
* I distinctly remember forgetting that. -- Clara Barton
* We must believe in free will. We have no choice.
-- Isaac Bashevis Singer
* There's nothing wrong with incest just as long as you keep it in the
family. -- Milton Mayer
* Why, that's the most unheard-of thing I've ever heard of.
-- Joseph Mc Carthy
* I have had no real gratification or enjoyment more than my neighbor
on the next block who is worth only half a million.
-- last words of railroad magnate William Henry Vanderbily
* Excuse me for not answering your letter, but I've been so busy not
answering letters that I couldn't get around to not answering yours
in time. -- Groucho Marx
* I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. -- unknown
* Monotheism is a gift from the gods. -- unknown
* Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. -- unknown
* It pays to remember your social obligations. If you don't go to
other people's funerals, they won't go to yours. -- unknown
* After they got rid of capital punishment, they had to hang
twice as many people as before. -- unknown
* 1. Resolved by this Council, that we build a new Jail.
2. Resolved, that the new Jail be built out of the material
of the old Jail.
3. Resolved, that the old Jail be used until the new Jail is finished.
-- passed by the Board of Councilmen in Canton, Mississippi
& the Temple of the Screaming Electron Jeff Hunter 510-935-5845
The Salted Slug Strange 408-454-9368
Burn This Flag Zardoz 408-363-9766
realitycheck Poindexter Fortran 415-567-7043
Lies Unlimited Mick Freen 415-583-4102
Tomorrow's 0rder of Magnitude Finger_Man 415-961-9315
My Dog Bit Jesus Suzanne D'Fault 510-658-8078
New Dork Sublime Demented Pimiento 415-566-0126
Specializing in conversations, obscure information, high explosives,
arcane knowledge, political extremism, diverse sexuality,
insane speculation, and wild rumours. ALL-TEXT BBS SYSTEMS.
Full access for first-time callers. We don't want to know who you are,
where you live, or what your phone number is. We are not Big Brother.
W H Y C O P S H A T E Y O U <<<<&l <
-if you have to ask get out of the way-
Have you ever been stopped by a traffic cop and, while he was
writing a ticket or giving you a warning, you got the feeling that
he would just love to yank you out of the car, right through the
window, and smash your face into the front fender?...
