WHAT THE JOB AD SAYS And WHAT IT REALLY MEANS... Advancement Opportunity -Lousy Job Entry Level -Really A Lousy Job No Experience Necessary -The Mother Of All Lousy Jobs Administrative Assistant -Lousy Job With A Title Ground Floor Opportunity -Lousy Job With A Company That Will File Bankruptcy Within A Year Progressive Company - Employees Get To Wear Jeans Every Other Friday Team Player -Must Deal With Dangerously Territorial Coworkers With Rabid Personalities Upbeat Personalities -Must Neither Threaten Us With Any Kind Of Lawsuit Nor Use The Drug Alcohol Rehab Benefit Within The First Year Word Processing Skills Essential -There Is A Crippling Case Of Carpal Tunnel Syndrome In Your Future Public Relations Receptionist

WHAT THE JOB AD SAYS And WHAT IT REALLY MEANS... Advancement Opportunity -Lousy Job Entry Level -Really A Lousy Job No Experience Necessary -The Mother Of All Lousy Jobs Administrative Assistant -Lousy Job With A Title Ground Floor Opportunity -Lousy Job With A Company That Will File Bankruptcy Within A Year Progressive Company - Employees Get To Wear Jeans Every Other Friday Team Player -Must Deal With Dangerously Territorial Coworkers With Rabid Personalities Upbeat Personalities -Must Neither Threaten Us With Any Kind Of Lawsuit Nor Use The Drug Alcohol Rehab Benefit Within The First Year Word Processing Skills Essential -There Is A Crippling Case Of Carpal Tunnel Syndrome In Your Future Public Relations Receptionist - Professional Appearance Important -$

WHAT THE JOB AD SAYS and WHAT IT REALLY MEANS...

Advancement opportunity
-Lousy job

Entry Level
-Really a lousy job

No experience necessary
-The mother of all lousy jobs

Administrative assistant
-Lousy job with a title

Ground floor opportunity
-Lousy job with a company that will file bankruptcy within a year

Progressive company
- Employees get to wear jeans every other Friday

Team player
-Must deal with dangerously territorial coworkers with rabid
personalities

Upbeat personalities
-Must neither threaten us with any kind of
lawsuit nor use the drug alcohol rehab benefit within the first year

Word processing skills essential
-There is a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future

Public Relations Receptionist - Professional appearance important
-$20 K a year job that requires a $100K year wardrobe

Pleasant telephone manner
-Be the voice of 1-900-suck

Earn up to $300 per hour
-Be 1-900-suck

Salary range $24K to $32K
-The salary is $24K

Jeans job!
-Minimum wage temporary job in concentration camp office

Will train
-Prior conviction of a felony or two, no problem

BA required, MA preferred
-Must be a MA willing to work for a BA salary

Civil service
-This job was filled from the inside six months ago

Women/minorities encouraged
-White males need not waste a stamp

Outstanding benefits package
-Health insurance

Tons of variety
-We took all of the heinous tasks no one else would do and rolled
them into one job

Top notch communication skills
-Telemarketing

Beautiful offices in attractive locale
-Brand new tacky windowless office where picture frames match the
carpet

Secretary
-Woman only job with the responsibilities of management and
the wages of a migrant worker

Executive secretary
-The most powerful position in any company

Dedicated
-You're looking at a minimum of 80 hours a week until we force you
into early retirement

Salary commensurate
-We'll pay you whatever the hell we feel like

Salary negotiable
-We'll take the lowest bidder

Competitive salary
-We'll pay you up to 10% more than your last job-period!

Competitive starting salary
-Ten cents above minimum wage

Pleasant atmosphere
-A staff of pod people

Professional atmosphere
-Zombie pod people

Fun, creative atmosphere
-Pod people from hell

Dynamic atmosphere
-Zombie pod people from hell

Gal Friday
-Anyone who actually applies for this job deserves it

Self starter
-Open to very broad interpretation, since no one really knows what
this means

Clarification Of Corporate Lingo Employer's Lingo: "COMPETITIVE SALARY" We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM" We have no time to train you....
GOING POSTAL You've heard the recently coined slang phrase "Going Postal".
Here are some more examples, from the book "Jargon Watch", just published by Wired magazine....
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car.
He later received in the mail a ticket for $40, and a photo of his car....
W H Y C O P S H A T E Y O U <<<<&l
< -if you have to ask get out of the way- Have you ever been stopped by a traffic cop and, while he was writing a ticket or giving you a warning, you got the feeling that he would just love to yank you out of the car, right through the window, and smash your face into the front fender?...
McDonald's Application This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment AND THEY HIRED HIM!
(editor's note: I would have hired him too!!) NAME...
Resume This is an actual job application someone submitted for a fast-food establishment.
APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT NAME: Greg Bulmash DESIRED POSITION...
How about that footage on the news yesterday of our new Commander-in- Chief on the deck of the aircraft carrier (Teddy Roosevelt?
).. After throwing one of his snappy salutes (he's *almost* got that down), I half expected him to give the order, "Let's turn this thang around....
Clinton at the Bank If President Clinton has had to do it like the rest of us.
.. this is how it SHOULD have gone: Hi, Mrs. and Mrs....
Computer Dictionary 386: No, 486: Oops, Pentium: The only chip to consider if you're thinking of buying a PC.
Until Intel ramps up the 686. 640K: The salary the average Wall Street PC analyst pulls in each year....

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