THE BIG PIG Received The Following Communication From Poor Innocent Guy Asa Of Montgomery, Alabama

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THE BIG PIG

Received the following communication from Poor Innocent Guy Asa of
Montgomery, Alabama:

These should come in handy at work or when frequenting a doctor's office:

Fun Things to do in an Elevator
Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.

Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other
passengers.

Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up,
dammit, all of you just shut UP!"

Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

Sell Girl Scout cookies.

On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the
elevator.

Shave.

Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got
enough air in there?"

Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-
down.

Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without
getting off.

When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open,
then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"

Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them
to call you Admiral.

On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until
you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

Do Tai Chi exercises.

Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've
got new socks on!"

When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn
motion sickness!"

Give religious tracts to each passenger.
Meow occasionally.

Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"

Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.

Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.

Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!"
and move to the far corner of the elevator.

Leave a box between the doors.

Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.

Start a sing-along.

When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"

Play the harmonica.

Shadow box.

Say "Ding!" at each floor.

Lean against the button panel.

Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.

Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other
passengers that this is your "personal space."

Bring a chair along.

Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha
in muh mouf?"

Blow spit bubbles.

Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."

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