How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
(Whispering voice:) "What do you WANT it to be?"
How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to
go back on.
How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?
As many as it takes to make a pile big enough to climb on to reach the bulb.
How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace
a light bulb?
Many hands make light work.
How many Pygmies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
At least three.
How many Amish does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Amish don't have light bulbs. They bake pies.
How many assholes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Assholes never see the light anyway.
How many astronomers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Astronomers prefer the dark.
How many auto mechanics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) Two. One to try to put in the wrong lamp, and one to replace the
broken socket.
2) Six. One to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more
bulbs.
How many Ayatollahs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. There were no light bulbs in the 13th Century.
How many babysitters does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They don't make Pampers small enough.
How many bankers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Four. One to hold the bulb and three to try to remember the combination.
How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment
of license fee.
How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed?
This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete
pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week.
Meanwhile...
How many investment brokers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
MY GOD!! IT BURNT OUT!! SELL ALL MY G.E. STOCK NOW!!!!!
How many Zen Buddhists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw in the light bulb, and one to not screw in the light bulb.
How many Mahayana Buddhists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Four. One to screw in the light bulb, one to not screw in the light bulb,
one to not not screw in the light bulb, and one to not do any of these.
How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) Two. One to assure the everything possible is being done while the other
screws the bulb into the water faucet.
2) Five. One to change the bulb and four to file an Environmental
Impact Statement.
3) One to spot the burned-out bulb, his supervisor to authorize a
requisition, a requisition typist, twelve clerks to file the
requisition copies, a mail clerk to deliver the requisition to the
purchasing department, a purchasing agent to order the bulb, a clerk
to forward the purchasing order, a clerk to mail-order a receiving
clerk to receive the bulb ...
4) Two. One to screw it in and one to screw it up.
5) None. We contract out for things like that.
How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Billions and billions.
How many Christians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. But they're really only one.
How many conservatives does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five. One to change it and the others to sit around and talk about
how much they liked the old one.
How many consultants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
2) Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.
How many contras does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but he needs one Iranian, one Israeli, four Canadians,
an Arab, twenty Swiss, and Afghan, and Oliver North to help him.
How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) None. It turned itself in.
2) Just one, but he is never around when you need him.
How many data base people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the
light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator
to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
How many disarmament folks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They won't, because:
1. "If we change our bulb, they will just change theirs to a
brighter one, so where will it all end?"
2. "We already have enough bulbs to illuminate the entire world
three times over."
3. "We shouldn't spend money for light bulbs as long as anyone
is hungry anywhere."
4. "We don't know what effect all of this artificial light will
have on the future of mankind."
5. "Nature provides us with all the light we need; we just haven't
learned to husband it yet."
6. "Artificial light isn't aesthetically correct."
7. "The candle is more traditional, and it uses no electricity."
8. "It is the responsibility of the Federal Government to provide
light to all Americans, without regard to race, age, creed, color, sex,
religion, socio-economic status, national origin, or need."
9. "I'm not about to touch anything that has WATT written on it!"
How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
That depends on whether it has health insurance.
How many dope addicts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to roll it and one to light it up.
How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb?
None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.
How many emergency room technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but the bulb will have to wait forty-five minutes in the waiting room
first.
How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a
light bulb?
Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the
Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones
to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices
that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't
see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency
stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a
light bulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red
shirt security officers beam down. The 3 security officers are
promply killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party
is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship
approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection.
Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and as
a reward the landing party is set free and given all of the light bulbs
they can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the
planet just in time to beam up Kirk et. al. The new bulb is inserted,
and the Enterprise continues with its five year mission.
How many Polacks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
10. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.
How many strong Polacks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
115. One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house.
How many Greek gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.
How many evolutionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes eight million years.
How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes
a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless
absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
How many fatalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
What does it matter, we're all gonna die anyway.
How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
How many Feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) That's not funny!!!
2) Two. One to change the bulb and one to write about how it feels.
3) Three. One to screw it in and two to talk about the sexual
implications.
4) Four. One to change it, and three to write about how the
bulb is exploiting the socket.
5) Three. One to change the bulb, and two to secretly wish they were
the socket.
6) Two. One to screw in the light bulb and one to kick the balls off any
man trying to help the first one.
How many firemen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Four. One to change the bulb and three to cut a hole in the roof.
How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the
old light bulb was.
How many fundamentalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
The Bible doesn't mention light bulbs.
How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it in and the other to say, "Fabulous! Fabulous!"
How many generals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1,000,001. One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild
civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!
How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, and a professor to take credit.
How many grocery store cashiers does it take to change a light bulb?
Are you kidding? They won't even change a five dollar bill.
How many hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Huh? You mean it's dark in here?
How many hardware guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
"Well, the diagnostics say it's fine, buddy, so it's a software problem."
How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one. He holds the light bulb and the universe revolves around him.
How many IBM engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They just let Marketing explain that "Dead Bulb" is a feature.
How many IBM PC owners does it take to screw in light bulb?
Only one, but he'll have to go out and buy the light bulb adaptor
card first, which is extra.
How many IBMers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001,
Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the
pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the
definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences of
non-blank characters separated by blanks".
How many Indiana University students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) You ever wonder why it's so dark in Bloomington?
2) All of them, since changing light bulbs is the only kind of job they
can get after they graduate.
How many Japanese industrialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to make sure the new bulb is not foreign, one to change
the bulb, and one to look into the export potential of the old bulb.
How many jerks who ask stupid questions does it take to change a light bulb?
Change it to what?
How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Oh wow, is it like dark, man?
How many Kentuckians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) All of them.
2) Only one. They'll screw anything.
How many KGB agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it in and the other to check the microphones.
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) How many can you afford?
2) Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party
of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb)
shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform
previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and
otherwise illumination of the area ranging from .....
How many law professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
How many Lebanese does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, one to stage a suicide attack on the bulb and another to claim
responsibility in phone call to the news media.
How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw it in and two to talk about how much better it
is than with a man.
How many Libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Libertarians never change light bulbs, because someone might enter
the room who wants to sit in the dark.
How many loggers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. But he uses a chainsaw.
How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Into what?
How many Martians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One and a half.
How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
How many massage parlor attendants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Whatever number turns you on, big boy.
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the bulb.
How many Mid-Westerner's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five. One to change the light bulb, four to read the directions.
How many missionaries does it take to screw in a light bulb?
101. One to screw it in and the other 100 to convince everyone else to
screw in light bulbs too.
How many modern artists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Four. One to throw bulbs against the wall, one to pile hundreds
of them in a heap and spray-paint it orange, one to glue
light bulbs to a cocker spaniel, and one to put a bulb in the
socket and fill the room with light while all the critics
and buyers are watching the fellow smashing the bulbs against
the wall, the fellow with the spray-gun, and the cocker spaniel.
Do you know how many musicians it takes to screw in a light bulb?
No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
How many Musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five. One to screw in the light bulb and four to stand around and say,
"Man, if I'd had his studio time, I could have done that."
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a
surprising twist at the end.
How many Nebraskans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
What's a light bulb?
How many necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) None. Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs.
2) Only one. "Oh, could you please test the socket with your finger
while I go get a new bulb?"
How many net.jokers does it take to tell yet-another LBJ?
1,622. One to tell the orginal joke, and the rest to give some minor
variation of it!
How many netters does it take to submit a light bulb joke?
1000. One to submit the joke and 999 to submit "How many programmers does
it take to screw in a light bulb? None, that's a hardware problem."
How many people from New Jersey does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the
third to shoot the witness.
How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) None of your damn business!
2) Five. One to change the bulb and four to protect him from muggers.
3) 201. One to put it in and 200 to watch it happen without trying
to stop it.
How many newsmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but he'll tell everybody.
How many nuclear engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do
with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.
How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Nine. One to change the bulb, and eight to protest the nuclear
power plant that generates the electricity that powers it.
How many pessimists does it take to change a light bulb?
None, the old one is probably screwed in too tight.
How many members of the PLO does it take to screw in a light bulb?
45. One to drive the car, four to shoot the bodyguards of the
president of Sylvania, three to kidnap the president of Sylvania, five
to think up the ransom demands, ten to paste up the ransom note, eight
to cut little eye-holes in the cloth sacks, one to drive a truck with
2000 kilos of dynamite into the American embassy, one to claim
responsibility for the bombing, and twelve to commandeer a building
with working lights.
How many poets does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle, and one to
change the bulb.
What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb.
How many pre-med students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Pre-meds don't screw, they study.
How many professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. That's what grad students are for.
How many "pro-lifers" does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Six. Two to screw in the bulb and four to testify that it was lit from
the moment they began screwing.
How many psychiatrists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) None. The bulb will change itself when it is ready.
2) Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
How many psychoanalysts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
How many do you think it takes?
How many punk rockers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw in the light bulb and the other to smash the old one on
his forehead.
How many Reaganists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Ten. One to screw it in, and one to send the bill to the next generation.
How many real men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Real men aren't afraid of the dark.
How many real women does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. A real woman would have plenty of real men around to do it.
How many rec.humor posters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) 1000. And they change the same bulb over and over and over again
and still no one notices it's been changed so they change it again and
again and then they even discuss it and then someone flames them for
not doing it in rec.humor.d.
2) 565.
1 to put in a trick bulb (say, a flash bulb).
6 to flame the first, pointing out that this bulb is different from
the old one.
29 to counter-flame, pointing out that the new bulb is *deliberately*
different, and is parodying the old one.
7 to leave the room, citing the extreme density of the 6.
12 to demand that this commentary be redirected to the other room.
14 to ask that the bulb be changed again, since they missed seeing it
the first time.
496 to climb all over each other, trying to put the old bulb back in.
How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it in, and another to repent.
How many Russians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
That's a military secret.
How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Both of them.
How many sex therapists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it in and one to tell him he's screwing it in
the wrong way.
How many sexists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They'll have their girls do it for them.
How many social scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They do not change light bulbs; they search for the root cause
as to why the last one went out.
How many supply-siders does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub
with brightly colored machine tools.
How many television evangelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Television evangelists screw in motel rooms.
How many UNIX gurus does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but first he has to determine the correct path.
How many USENETers does it take to screw in a ligth bulb?
Six. One to point out the spelling error ^^ you illiterate idiot!
One to flame: GET THIS GARBAGE OFF THE NET!!!
One to flame the flamer.
One to ask to be removed from the news group.
One to ask for a copy of the last message :-)
And one to ask how to unROT the joke.
How many waiters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Even a burned-out bulb can't catch a waiter's attention.
How many people does it take to throw away a one WATT bulb??
Five. A Black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple.
How many White House aides does it take to change one of Reagan's
light bulbs?
None. They like to keep him in the dark.
How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Zen masters are illuminated by their own inner light.
How many Romanians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
How many packs of cigarettes are you willing to give them?
How many circus performers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Four. One to change the bulb and three to go, "Ta da!"
How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the means of
production!
How many light bulb jokes does it take to screw in a light bulb joke?
The probability that a given light bulb joke will be submitted to
the net in any given week is 0.4, and the probability that it will
have changed detectably since the last transmission is 0.2. Assuming
independence (which is reasonable, since no submitter of a light bulb
joke ever seems to know it has been submitted before within the last 2
or 3 weeks), the probability that it will change in a given week is
thus 0.08. So it takes about 12.5 light bulb jokes to change a
light bulb joke.
How many Neanderthals does it take to light a fire?
None. They don't have it.
