There was this young boy coming of age and his father wanted to show him
the facts of life. So he gave him 20 bucks and sent him down to the
local brothel to have a good time. So the boy runs along excited about
what was about to happen to him when he happens to pass Grandma's house.
So she asks him where he's going. When he tells her, she offers to save
him 20 bucks by doing it with him for free. Of course he accepts and
when he finishes, he runs home to tell his father about the money he
saved. Angrily, his father says, do you mean you fucked my mother? Well,
answers the boy, you fucked mine.
Q: What do you get if you cross a tomato with a potato?
A: You get a potato with bloodshot eyes.
Q: What would be a hen-pecked husband's dream?
A: To be reincarnated as a flea and have his wife come
back as a dog.
Q: What is the difference between a buffalo and a bison?
N.Z.er: You can't wash your hands in a bison.
Q: What do you get if you cross a Mexican with an Oriental?
A: A car thief who can't drive.
Q: Cross a giraffe with a cow and what do you get?
A: A long ladder so you can milk it.
Q: What's the difference between a deer and a short woman?
A: One is a hunted stag and the other is a stunted hag.
Q: What's the difference between Prince Charles and a geyser?
A: One is heir to the throne and the other is thrown to the air.
Q: What happens if you cross a telephone with a shirt?
A: You get a ring around the collar.
Q: What do you get if you cross a supermarket cashier with
a 100 bars of chocolate?
A: A chubby checker.
Q: What happens if you cross a joint with a 38D cup?
A: You get a drug bust.
Q: What do you get if you cross a car with a train?
A: At least 6 months in hospital and heaps from
Accident Compensation.
Q: What do you get if you cross a banana with a zipper?
A: A fruit fly.
Q: What is the difference between a pschyopath and a neurotic?
A: A psychopath knows for certain that five and five make eleven
the neurotic knows the five plus five equals ten, but it
worries him.
Q: What do you get if you cross a dingo with a witch?
A: A mad dog that chases planes.
Q: What do you get if you cross a young dog with a tranquilzer?
A: A hush puppy.
Q: What's the difference between a corpse and a musician?
A: One composes and the other decomposes.
Q: What do you get if you cross a 10,000 calories with an ugly girl?
A: A hefty bag.
Q. What type of meat do priests eat?
A. Nun
A Birthday Gift
A young man wishing to buy his girlfriend a birthday present, decided to
purchase a pair of gloves. Whilst making his choice his elder sister
accompanied him and purchased a rather striking pair of silk panties
covered with lace. The sales girl unfortunately handed the wrong parcel
to both boy and girl and the boy, not troubling to open the parcel,
forwarded the panties to his girlfriend enclosing the following note:
"My dear Sweetheart,
Please accept this little gift to show that I have not forgotten your
birthday. I chose them because I noticed you are not in the habit of
wearing them when you go out. Had it not been for my sister I would
have chosen long ones with buttons but she said they were not the fashion.
They are a delicate colour I know but the woman I purchased them from,
showed me a pair of her own which she had been wearing for a fortnight
and they were not even soiled. I also had the shopgirl try them on
for me and I must say that she looked exceptionally smart in them.
How I wish I could try them on for you for the first time, but no
doubt many a mans hand will come in contact with them before I see you
with them on. I was not sure of the size, yet I should have a good
idea after having felt the gentle skin so often which they are intended
to cover. After removing them, just give them a gentle blow before
putting them away as they may be a little damp after wearing them. Please
be sure to keep them clean for Friday night.
PS Please note the number of times I shall kiss the back of them during
the coming year. The shop girl said to tell you that the best
to wear them is undone and hanging down.
* What do you call a man with a shovel in his head?
Doug
* What do you call a man with out a shovel in his head?
Dougless
* What do you call a lady with a toothpick in her head?
Olive
* What do you call a lady with one leg longer than the other?
Eileen
* What do you call a Chinese lady with one leg longer than the other
Ireen
* What do you call a lady with both legs the same length?
Nolene
* What do you call an epileptic in a pile of leaves?
Russel
* What do you call a man with a wooden head?
Edward
* What do you call a man with three wooden heads?
Edward Woodward
* What do you call a man with four wooden heads?
I don't know, but Edward Woodward would
* What do you call a man with a rabbit up his bum?
Warren
* What do you call a man with his legs chopped off at the knees?
Neil
* What do you call a man who is being electocuted?
Buzz
* What do you call a man who sits at your front door?
Matt
* What do you call a man who has his head stuck under your car?
Jack
* What do you call a man who has no arms and legs who is nailed to the wall?
Art
* What do you call the arms and legs of the above mentioned man?
Pieces of Art
* What do you call a man with no arms and legs floating in the ocean?
Bob
* What do you call a lady who is the stand-in for Polly in Fawlty Towers?
Polly - filler
* What do you call a whole bunch of dead bald smokers floating over the
ocean at Christmas?
Yule-tide
* What do you call a man with toilet paper in his mouth?
John
* What do you call a man who has been buried for 2,000 years?
Pete
* What do you call a pig in a black and white movie?
Graeham
* What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter what you call him - he still won't come
* What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea
* What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idea
* What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs who is chewing a razor?
Still no bloody idea
What do you call a lady smurf with only one leg?
I-lean
What do you call a smurf with his legs cut off from the knees?
Neil
The local cop was enjoying a quiet morning on his beat when he
spotted two young lads hurtling along on a billy cart pulled by a
dog.
The policeman waved them down, and the two boys came to a
reluctant halt.
When the policeman came closer, he could see that the poor dog,
who was panting heavily, was tied to the front of the cart with a
length of string.
"Enough of that," said the copper, "that's a very cruel thing to
do."
And with that he took out his pocket knife and cut the string.
But as he bent over the billy cart he noticed a second piece of
string running from a lever on the billy cart and disappearing
between the dog's hind legs, where it was knotted around a
delicate portion of the unfortunate animal's anatomy.
"And that's even worse," said the copper, as he cut the second
piece of string.
"Oh bugger!" said one of the boys. "There goes the overdrive!"
Major Commander 'Bear'
The Finest in the World am I who Does nothing but while doing it all.
Article 1928 of eunet.jokes:
Path: kingpol!warwick!uknet!sersun1!SunLab14!lacaa
From: lacaa@SunLab14.essex.ac.uk (Lacatena A)
Newsgroups: eunet.jokes
Subject: Re: Skoda Joke.
Summary: Well I thought it was funny!
Message-ID: <1766@sersun1.essex.ac.uk>
Date: 20 Jan 92 13:50:04 GMT
References: <1992Jan18.223704.17431@athena.mit.edu> <1992Jan20.115208.22629@specialix.co.uk>
Sender: news@sersun1.essex.ac.uk
Reply-To: lacaa@essex.ac.uk (Lacatena A)
Organization: University of Essex, Colchester, UK
Lines: 38
Here's one of the longer Skoda jokes:
This guy's driving down the motorway in his Skoda when all of a sudden the
engine dies and he's left coasting at x MPH on the inside lane. The man
pulls into the hard shoulder, gets out and starts looking under the bonnet
to see if he can figure out what the problem is.
After spending sometime pulling and pushing various bits of its engine he
hears a car pull in in front of him with a great roar of raw horsepower.
He gets up to see with some surprise that the car is in fact a Porche and it
is reversing towards him. It stopped just in front of him.
"Hello," said the Porche driver, "brokedown?"
"Yeah." replied the man.
"Need any help?"
"I sure could use a tow to the next service station."
"No problem." the Porche driver enthused. And with that they both tied their
cars together with a length of tow rope the Skoda driver kept handy.
When all was done the Porche pulled out onto the motorway, Skoda in tow.
While the driver of the Porche drove at reasonable speed on the inside lane,
a BMW came up beside him on the middle lane and as the Porshe driver looked
over to see who was in it. As he did so he saw the BMW driver five-knuckle
shuffle him and zoom off ahead into the distance.
Incensed, the Porche driver began pursuit. Oblivious of the Skoda he was
towing.
Witnesses of this high-speed chase were a couple of patrol police officers
parked on a concealed verge by the side of the motorway. The sergeant looked
at his radar as the BMW went by. He then looked at his partner incredulously
as the Porche sped by consecutively.
Staring into space, the sergeant picked up his radio and said into it:
"Control, you're not going to believe this. But there's a BMW and a Porche
doing 140 MPH on the fast lane and there's a Skoda right behind them both...
FLASHING ITS LIGHTS!"
Ha Ha, Hee Hee, Hoo Hoo ...
~|
B-^ Tony.
Article 1932 of eunet.jokes:
Path: kingpol!warwick!uknet!mcsun!unido!nixpbe!nixsin!ishands
From: ishands@nixsin.UUCP (ishan de silva)
Newsgroups: eunet.jokes
Subject: Golf Club
Keywords: jokes
Message-ID: <2528@nixsin.UUCP>
Date: 20 Jan 92 03:55:53 GMT
Organization: Nixdorf Regional HQ Pte Ltd, Singapore
Lines: 39
MOUNT PLEASANT GOLF CLUB
With the admission of lady members to the club as from 1.1.92 all members are
kindly requested to adhere strictly to the following revised club rules.-
1. All lady members are prohibited from meddling with gentlemen's balls before
the game starts.
2. It will be the responsibility of the gentlemen to constantly check and
ensure that the holes are kept clean and smooth.
3. Full cooperation from all lady members are desired especially during the
short and jerking strokes.
4. All partners in a game are urged to finish off together. Should the men
reach the end first, he must continue hs strokes until the lady attains
full score.
5. In all cases where lay positions are not possible, the players may choose
to adopt a standing or squatting position.
6. All male players are permitted to adopt any new style they prefer, such
as starting from behind the hole if the partner agrees.
7. All male members are advised to stay away from any hole which shows signs
of recent repairs until the red flag is lifted. Those who do not abide by
this rule may proceed at their own risk.
8. The management of the club cannot be held responsible for damaged holes
lost balls or broken lung due to improper play.
9. Time of play for various age groups:
From 20 to 40 It is one in the morning and one at night
40 to 50 It is now and then or when able
50 to 60 God knows when
60 to 70 If he still thinks he is capable, take no notice,
he is out of his mind.
