REASONS TO STAY STRESSED:
* STRESS HELPS YOU SEEM IMPORTANT: Anyone as stressed as you must be working
very hard and, therefore, is probably doing something very crucial.
* IT HELPS YOU TO MAINTAIN PERSONAL DISTANCE AND AVOID INTIMACY: Anyone as
busy as you are certainly can't be expected to form emotional attachments to
anyone. And let's face it, you're not much fun to be around anyway.
* IT HELPS YOU AVOID RESPONSIBILITIES: Obviously, you are too stressed to be
given any more work. This gets you off the hook for all the mundane chores;
let someone else take care of them.
* IT HELPS YOU AVOID SUCCESS: Why risk being successful when by simply being
stressed you can avoid all of that? Stress can keep your performance level
low enough that success won't ever be a threat.
* IT GIVES YOU A CHEMICAL RUSH: Stress might be considered a cheap thrill,
and you can give yourself a 'hit' any time you choose. But, be careful. You
might get addicted to your own adrenaline.
* STRESS ALSO HELPS YOU KEEP YOUR AUTHORITARIAN MANAGEMENT STYLE: The
authoritarian style of 'just do what I say!' is generally permissible under
crisis conditions. If you maintain a permanently stressed crisis atmosphere,
you can justify an authoritarian style all of the time.
AND here's HOW to stay stressed:
* NEVER EXERCISE: Exercise wastes a lot of the time that could be spent
worrying.
* EAT ANYTHING YOU WANT: Hey, if cigarette smoke can't cleanse your system,
a balanced diet isn't likely to either.
* GAIN WEIGHT: Work hard at staying at least 25 pounds over your recommended
weight.
* TAKE PLENTY OF STIMULANTS: The old standards of caffeine, nicotine, sugar,
and cola will continue to do the job just fine.
* AVOID 'WOO-WOO' PRACTICES: Ignore the evidence suggesting that meditation,
yoga, deep breathing, and/or mental imaging help to reduce stress. The
Protestant work ethic is good for everyone, Protestant or not.
* GET RID OF YOUR SOCIAL SUPPORT SYSTEM: Let the few friends who are willing
to tolerate you know that you concern yourself with friendships only if you
have time, and you never have time. If a few people persist in trying to be
your friend, avoid them.
* PERSONALIZE ALL CRITICISM: Anyone who criticizes any aspect of your work,
family, dog, house, or car is mounting a personal attack. Don't take the
time to listen, be offended, then return the attack!
* THROW OUT YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR: Staying stressed is no laughing matter, and
it shouldn't be treated as one.
* MALES AND FEMALES ALIKE-BE MACHO: Never ask for any help, and if you want
it done right, do it yourself!
* BECOME A WORKAHOLIC: Put work before everything else, and be sure to take
work home evenings and weekends. Keep reminding yourself that vacations are
for sissies.
* DISCARD GOOD TIME MANAGEMENT SKILLS: Schedule more activities every day
than you can possibly get done, then worry about it all whenever you get a
chance.
* PROCRASTINATE: Putting things off to the last second always produces a
marvelous amount of stress.
* WORRY ABOUT THINGS YOU CAN'T CONTROL: Worry about the stock market,
earthquakes, the approaching Ice Age. You know, all the big issues.
* BECOME NOT ONLY A PERFECTIONIST BUT SET IMPOSSIBLY HIGH STANDARDS: and
either beat yourself up, or fell guilty, depressed, discouraged, and or
inadequate when you don't meet them.
