From The Wit of Steven Wright:
** Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went
nuts.
** If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that
considered a hostage situation?
** Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live
there.
** If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
** Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
** If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
** I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I
said, "The whole time."
** So what's the speed of dark?
** How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been
dis-ing them anyhow?
** After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of
the water?
** Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
** If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
** I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are
furious.
** Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
** Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special
Olympics?
** Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
** When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman
talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.
** If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
** Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
** Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
** Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak?
** How come abbreviated is such a long word?
** If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold
tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
** Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is
dead?
** Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
** Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't
they be called builts?
** Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
** Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they
already know you don't have?
** If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is
expanding, what is it expanding into?
** If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the
taxi driver end up owing you money?
** What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
** If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the
other trees make fun of it?
** Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
** When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It
sounds like a near hit to me!!
** Do fish get cramps after eating?
** Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
** Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of
everything outdoors?
** Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
** If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
** When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
** Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's
not a door?
** Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell
him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
** How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked
when someone threw a gun at him?
** If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?
** Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but
dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
** Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
** Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
** Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
** Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
** Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
** Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
** What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
** Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
** If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and
apes?
** Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
** Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
** Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM
longer?
** I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help
section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
** If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all
still working?
** Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
** War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.
