NEWS FLASH - Men And Women Are NOT Alike
Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have proof! After
countless hours of surveys and studies on the following topics, these facts
have emerged:
Relationships: First of all, a man does not call a relationship a
relationship -- he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing
it on a semi-regular basis". When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and
pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All
Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more
trouble letting go. Six months after the break- up, at 3:00 a.m. on a
Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you
ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a
total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us".
This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99%
of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer
courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove
effective.
Sex: Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of
foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.
Maturity: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can
function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards
and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school
romances rarely work out.
Magazines: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's
magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female
body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and
should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a
naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter
from women.
Handwriting: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They
just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot
their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in
their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even
when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
Comedy: Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching
television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on. Immediately, the
men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to
imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite Stooge. The women will roll
their eyes and groan and wait it out.
Bathrooms: A man has six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste,
shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man
would not be able to identify most of these items.
Groceries: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the
store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his
fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys
everything that looks good. By the time a man reached the checkout counter,
his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies.
Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
Shoes: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and
then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic
bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes.
Five minutes later she will kick them off because her feet are under the
desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.
Leg Warmers: Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or
doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time
she wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the
"Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."
Going Out: When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go
out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to
go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup...
Cats: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
looking, men kick cats.
Offspring: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows
about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends
and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely
aware of some short people living in the house.
Low Blows: Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One
of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee. That must
have hurt." The man groans and doubles over, and actually FEELS the pain.
Dressing Up: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty
the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress
up for: weddings, funerals.
David Letterman: Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face
of the Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad
haircut.
Laundry: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every
article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip
about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out
of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and
take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet
beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of
old episodes of "Love, American Style."
Weddings: When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony".
Men talk about "the bachelor party".
Socks: Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women
wear strange socks. Socks that are cut way below the ankles, that have
pictures of clouds on them, that have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
Nicknames: If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch,
they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if
Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately
refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Brain and Useless.
Eating out: ...and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each
throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have
anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When
the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
Mirrors: Men are vain; they will always check themselves out in a mirror.
Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny
surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head.
Menopause: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of
complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and
degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man
provokes a uniform reaction --- he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap
and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.
The Telephone: Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the
telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her
girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same
friend and they will talk for three hours.
Directions: If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar
surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men
consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for
directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying
things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there." and, "I know
I'm in the general neighborhood. I recognize that 7-11 store."
Admitting Mistakes: Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last
man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.
Richard Gere: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.
Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at
the health club and dates only married women.
Madonna: Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.
Toys: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of
11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with
toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly
and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones.
Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that
serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and
requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.
Plants: A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The
man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an
apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.
Cameras: Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for
state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography
classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course women always end up
taking better pictures.
Locker Rooms: In the locker room men talk about three things: money,
football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football
nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about
women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room -- sex. And not in
abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they
never lie.
Garages: Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers.
Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they
watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.
Movies: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene.
This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a
man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard
Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.
Jewelry: Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with
wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a
lounge singer named Vic.
