George Bush and Saddam Hussein decide to settle their differences in a
civilized manner by discussing the matter. So they meet on neutral
ground, midway between the swings and the sandbox, while all the
little kids respectfully gather round. Bush is clumsily carrying
several rolled-up carpets, and Saddam is holding some empty cans of
Budweiser.
Bush: You shouldn't have taken my toy.
Saddam: It was not your toy. It was my toy.
Bush: Since you won't give me back my toy, we are at war.
Saddam: I am not at war with you. I am at war with Israel.
Bush: You are not at war with Israel.
Saddam: Yes I am.
Bush: No you're not.
Saddam: Yes I am.
Bush: No you're not.
Saddam: I am the leader of this miserable little country, and if I say
I am at war with Israel, then I am at war with Israel.
Bush: Well, I am the leader of a very much bigger country with every
weapon known to man, and I say you're not at war with Israel but
you're at war with me.
Saddam: No I'm not.
Bush: Yes you are.
Saddam: No I'm not.
Bush: Look, if we were not at war, would I do this? [Throws several
carpets on Saddam.]
Saddam: But if I were not at war with Israel would I do this? [Throws
a can of Bud at Israel. Israel ducks and screams bloody murder.]
Bush: You're just trying to evade the issue.
Saddam: No I'm not. I was retaliating.
Bush: You can't retaliate like that.
Saddam: Yes I can.
Bush: No you can't.
Saddam: Yes I can.
Bush: No you can't.
Saddam: Yes I can.
Bush: Be quiet or I will hit you.
Saddam: If you hit me, I will use my secret weapon. Then you will be
very sorry.
[Bush hits Saddam, and Saddam falls down.]
Saddam: MOMMY!!
[Bush looks around nervously, but when no mother appears, he becomes
more confident.]
Bush: Aw, your mother wears combat boots.
Saddam: Yeah, well, so what? At least my mother didn't marry me.
Bush: Don't ever say such terrible things, Mr. SOD-OM Hussein.
Saddam: Stop mispronouncing my name. You always mispronounce my name.
Bush: SOD-OM, SOD-OM, SOD-OM.
Saddam: Well, at least I can. Perhaps there's a reason why you're
called BUSH.
Bush: Now stop saying that. I don't have a bush.
Saddam: Yes you do.
Bush: No I don't.
Saddam: Yes you do.
Bush: No I don't.
Saddam: Yes you do.
[Bush pulls his pants down and wiggles his waggle at Saddam.]
Bush: See, I don't.
[Faced with this open act of aggression, Saddam drops his pants too.
For a long time Bush and Saddam wiggle their waggles at each other,
and all the little kids who watch are greatly impressed.]
