A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd
scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant.
To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu.
Appetizers, lobster, champagne. . .the works. Finally he asked her, "Does
your Mother feed you like this at home?"
"No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to get laid, either."
*******
Jessica was toweling off in front of the mirror when she noticed a few gray
pubic hairs. She bent down and said to her privates... "I know you haven't
been getting much lately...but I didn't know you were so worried about it!"
*******
A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of
dogs mating on the sidewalk.
"What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl.
The grandmother was embarrased, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt his
paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor."
They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?" said the little one.
"How do you mean?" asked the Grandma.
"Offer someone a helping hand," said the little girl, "and they f**k you
everytime!"
*******
My aunt used to tell me there were three kinds of sex in a marriage. There
was exciting sex, necessary sex, and hallway sex. "Exciting sex is when
you're first married and you can't wait to get at each other. Necessary sex
is after you've been married for seven or eight years and it's more of a
chore than anything else. . . .
AND Hallway sex is after you've been married for thirty or forty years and
you pass each other in the hallway and say "f**k You!"
*******
"Do you have any batteries?" a woman asks the hardware store clerk.
"Yes, m'am." The clerk gestures with his finger. "Can you come this way?"
"If I could come that way," the woman says, "I wouldn't need the batteries."
*******
Crazy Sally went to her gynecologist when she got her vibrator stuck inside
of her.
"To remove that vibrator," said the doctor, "I'm going to have to perform a
very long and delicate operation."
"I don't think I can afford that," said Sally. "Could you just replace the
batteries?"
*******
A little girl came running into the house crying and miserable from a small
cut she just received. She asked her mom for a glass of cider.
"Why do you want cider?" asked Mom.
"To take the pain away," sobbed the little girl.
Tired of all the tears, Mom poured her a glass.
The little girl immediately put her hand into the drink.
"It doesn't work!" she yelled.
"What do you mean?" asked Mom.
"Well," sniffed the little girl, "I overheard my sister say that whenever
she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."
*******
The husband was furious when he found out the checking account was empty.
When he confronted his wife, she simply said, "It's my turn."
"What do you mean, your turn?" yelled the husband.
"In bed," she explained, "you've been making early withdrawals for years.
Now, it's my turn."
