Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have proof!
After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following
topics, these facts have emerged:
Relationships:
First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship -
he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie was doing it on a
semi-regular basis". When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and
pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem
titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the
break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I
just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never
forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want
you to know there's always a chance for us". This is known as the
"I Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have
made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses
to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove
effective.
Sex:
Women prefer 30 - 45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 - 45
seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part
of the foreplay.
Maturity:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can
function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading
baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This
is why high school romances rarely work.
Hats:
Women look good in hats; men look like dinks.
Comedy:
Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television,
and an episode of "The Three Stooges" comes on. Immediately, the men will
get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the
actions of Curly, man's favorite stooge. The women will roll their eys
and groan and wait it out.
Handwriting:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot
their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large
loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note
>from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face
at the end of the note.
Bathrooms:
A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush,
toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel
>from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A
man would not be able to identify most of these items.
Magazines:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies. Women's
magazine also feature pictures of naked ladies. This is because
the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is
hairy and lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day.
Groceries:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store
and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his
fridge are half a lemon and something turning green. Then he goes
grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a
man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter that
the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not
stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
Going out:
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go
out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be
ready to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes
putting on her makeup...
Shoes:
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then
slip into Reebok sneakers. She wil carry her dress shoes in a plastic
bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes.
Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under
her desk.
A man will wear one pair of shoes for the entire day.
Leg warmers:
Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or
doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them
any time she wants.
A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme
the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line".
Cats:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
looking, men kick cats.
Mirrors:
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror.
Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any
shiny surface--mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head.
Garages:
Women use garages to park their cars and to store their lawnmowers.
Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages,
and they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches
in garages.
Movies:
For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien
Leigh for the first time in "Gone With The Wind".
For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clark's
face in "Public Enemy".
Jewelry:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry.
A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it. Any more than
that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.
Menopause:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated
emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of
the changes varies with the individual.
Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction--he buys aviator glasses,
a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a
Porsche.
The Telephone:
Men see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the telephone to
send short messages to other people.
A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home,
she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
Low Blows:
Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television.
One of the fighters is felled by a low blow.
The woman says "Oh, gee, that must hurt." The man doubles over and
actually feels pain.
Directions:
If a woman is out driving and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings,
she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this
to be a sign of weakness.
Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle
for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found
a new way to get there", and, "I know I'm in the neighborhood. I recognize
that White Hen store".
Admitting Mistakes:
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.
The last man who admitted that he was wrong was Gen. George Custer.
Richard Gere:
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.
Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works
at the health club and dates only married women.
Offspring:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows
about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best
friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A
man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Dressing up:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will
dress up for: weddings, funerals.
Nudity in Movies:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene.
This is because every movie in the history of movies has been
produced by a *man*.
The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere.
This is another reason why men hate him.
David Letterman:
Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the
Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a
bad haircut.
Cameras:
Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4,000 for
state-of-the-art equipment, and build darkrooms, and take photography classes.
Women purchase Kodak Instamatics.
Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.
Politics:
Men love to talk politics, but often they forget to do political things
such as voting.
Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedys is growing up and
getting into politics, because they will be able to campaign for them and cry on
election night.
Locker Rooms:
In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and
women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as
well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.
Women talk about one thing in the locker room--sex. And not in abstract
terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and THEY NEVER LIE.
Laundry:
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every
article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were
hip about eight years ago, before he will do the laundry. When he
is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside
out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the
laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the
laundromat. This is a myth.
Weddings:
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony".
Men talk about "the bachelor party".
Cheerleaders:
Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all-American.
Male cheerleaders are scary.
Socks:
Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks.
Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have
pictues of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
Toys:
Little girls love to play with toys. Then, when they reach the age of 11
or 12, they lose interest.
Men never grow out of their obsession wih toys. As they older, their
toys simply become more expensive and impractical. Examples of men's toys:
little miniature TV's, car phones, complicated juicers and blenders, graphic
equalizers, small robots that serve cocktails on command, video games, anything
that blinks, beeps, and requires at least six "D" batteries to operate.
Plants:
A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man
waters the plants. The woman comes home five days later, to an apartment
full of dead plants.
No one knows why this happens.
Mustaches:
Some men look good with mustaches. Those men are Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds.
There are no women who look good with mustaches.
Nicknames:
WIth the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names
like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk", women eschew the use of nicknames.
If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch,
they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.
But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will
affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut
Brain and Useless.
me a HANDJOB first, si?"
[children scream, yell, cheer]
[another knock at the door; Miss Evonne bounces over and answers; an older
black man dressed in a stunning outfit with a crown, and a middle-aged
woman dress in surfing-movie garb of the 60's]
Peewee: "Look, boys and girls; its Miss Renee and the King of Cartoons!"
Miss Renee: "Well... I always knew you people were swingers..."
[attention focuses on the King; the king postures, throws his arm in the
air and exclaims his royal decree:]
the King: "Ladies and Gentlemen; Boys and Girls; Let the HANDJOBS begin!!!"
[children scream, yell, cheer; Peewee giggles impishly;
story deteriorates to a low-budget porn flick.....
There were two male students pissing in a bathroom. One was from MIT and
the other from Carnegie Mellon. After they finished the MIT student
washed his hands and the CMU student didn't. Sarcastically the MIT
student said, 'You know, we wash our hands after pissing in MIT.'
'Well', says the CMU student, 'We don't piss on our hands in CMU.'
What do Polish women and hockey play have in common?
They both change their pad every three periods.
Two Polish guys are in the forest chopping wood. One of them raises his ax, but
it slips and he cuts his ear off. His friend rushes him to the hospital. The
doctor tells the friend, go back and find his ear; we can re-attach it. The
friend rushes back to the woods, searches around, and finds an ear lying in
the leaves. He picks it up and rushes back to the hospital. I found your
ear, he exclaims to the injured guy, showing him the ear he picked up. That's
not my ear, he says. Mine had a pencil behind it.
