How many American Colonists does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they didn't have light bulbs back then!!!!!
How many Founding Fathers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three, John Adams and Thomas Jefferson hold the ladder, Ben
Franklin thinks of a way to invent one.
How many French Revolutionaries does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they were all guillotined.
What was the First President's bathroom called?
The Washingroom.
What college did Lord Charles Cornwallis attend?
Yorktown U. (and he failed miserably!)
What do you get when a steamroller hits James Madison?
Madison Avenue.
James Madison is expecting an appointment.
His secretary says to the visitor, "I'm soory, sir, the President
STILL can't see you!"
What is another name for King George III?
George the Nerd.
New slogan on T-shirts: Patrick Henry- Radical Dude!
Another T-shirt slogan: My grandfather went to Philadelphia to sign
to Constitution and all I got was this lousy T-shirt!
What do you get when you put Thomas Jefferson in a Cuisernart?
Jeffercelery.
What do you get when you put Jefferson's home in a Cuisernart?
Monticelery.
What do you get when you put Dolly Madison in a Cuisernart?
Ice cream.
What go you get when you put William Pitt-Earl of Chatham in
a Cuisernart?
Split Pitt.
What do you call a religious Pitt?
PulPitt.
What do you call a wet Pitt?
PoolPitt.
Some interesting names:
Marquis duh Laughayette
Marie Antuhnette
Napoleon Bunnyparte
Robert R. Livingroom
George Washingroom
Chief Justice John Marshmellow
Henry Clay-Playdoh
Qbert Gallatin
John Quincy Adams-Iggy the Iguana Man
Samuel Adams-Tiny Toon
Franklin Pierce-14th President: Frankie Goes to Hollywood
James Puchanan-15th President
To the tune of the Addams family:
Sam Adams was a rebel
He rang the Liberty Bell
The tea fell in the water
The Adams family.
John Adams became President
HIs son followed in his footsteps
Oh! the country's a mess
The Adams family.
His wife was Abigail
She fell in a garbage pail
And rolled down a hill
The Adams family!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What do you get when you cross a Founding Father with an American
novel?
Moby Dickinson.
What is the least likely saying you'd hear from John Paul Jones?
"I have not yet begun to puke!!!"
What do you get when you cross a simiam with a President?
Ape Lincoln.
What do you get when Napoleon attempts to get British artillery?
Napoleon Blownapart.
What do you get when you put Napoleon in a microwave?
Napoleon Nukaparte
Why to bomb Saddam Hussein with condoms?
Because he's the mother of all wars.
This young man walks into one of those variety stores that sells just
about everything. He asks the manager for a job.
Manager: Well son, I usually don't like to hire people unless they have
some experience but I like the looks of you so I tell you what, do
you see that man over there? He's the best salesman in the country. He'll
show you how its done, but pay close attention because you only have
one chance to get it right.
The first customer walks in and sets a box of grass seed down on the
counter. The salesman tells the young man to watch closely.
Salesman: Sir, would you like a lawnmower with your grass seed?
Customer: No thank you. Just the grass seed today.
Salesman: Well sir, I'm just trying to save you a trip. When you get home and
plant that grass, its going to spring up in no time and you'll
have to come back down here to buy a lawnmower. Right now, I just so happen
to have lawnmowers on sale...
Customer: Ok. Sure, I'll take a lawnmower too.
The next customer walks in and sets a box on tampons down on the
counter. The salesman tells the young man its his turn to try it out.
Young Man: Would you like a lawnmower with that sir?
Customer: A LAWNMOWER????
Young Man: Well it looks like your weekend's shot anyway, so you might as well
mow the grass.
Sung to the tune of 'Lola' by the Kinks.
I met him in a swamp down in Dagobar
where it bubbles all the time
like a giant carbonated soda,
S O D A, soda,
I saw the little runt sitting there on a log
well, I asked him his name
and in a raspy voice he said Yoda,
Y O D A, Yoda,
Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
Well, I've ben around but I ain't never seen
a guy who looks like a muppet
but he's wrinkled and green
Oh my Yoda,
Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
Now, I left home just a week before,
and I ain't never been a Jedi before
but Obi-Wan said "You stay the course,
You go to Yoda and he'll show you the Force."
Now, I'm not the kind that'll argue with Ben
So it looks I'm gonna start all over again
with my Yoda,
Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
So I picked up some rocks,
Just by using my head,
But I won't forget what Yoda said, he said
"Luke, stay away from the darker side,
and if yo ustart to go astray let the Force be your guide."
Oh my Yoda,
Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
He said, "I know Darth Vader's really got you annoyed,
But, remember if you kill him then
you'll be unemployed!"
Oh my Yoda,
Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
Well, I heard my friends really got in a mess
so it looks like I'll be leaving Yoda, I guess
But I know that I'll be coming back some day
I'll be making these movies till I'm old and grey!
The Long-term contract I hadda sign
means I'll be making these movies till the end of time
with my Yoda
Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
(continue to fade...)
What's the difference between
a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
You can only get 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
What's the difference between
a sorority girl and a porta-toilet?
On a porta-toilet, the hole is smaller and it smells better.
What's the difference between
a sorority girl and a pay toilet?
A pay toilet doesn't follow you around after you use it.
What's the difference between
a sorority girl and a porshe?
Not _everybody_ has been in a porshe.
What's the difference between
a sorority girl and a 747?
About 50 pounds.
What's the difference between
a sorority girl and a cinder block?
If somebody held a gun to your head, you could eat a cinder block.
W H Y C O P S H A T E Y O U <<<<&l <
-if you have to ask get out of the way-
Have you ever been stopped by a traffic cop and, while he was
writing a ticket or giving you a warning, you got the feeling that
he would just love to yank you out of the car, right through the
window, and smash your face into the front fender?...
