M E M O R A N D U M
DEPARTMENT OF THE TREASURY INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE
TO: All male employees:
FROM: Internal Revenue Service
RE: Notice of tax increase.
To date, the only thing the IRS has not taxed is your "Ding Dong".
This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed,
30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off, and 10% of the
time it is in a hole. On top of this, it has two dependents and they are both
nuts.
However, effective for tax years beginning on or after January 1, 1988,
your "Ding Dong" will be taxed according to it's size. Your category must be
indicated on page 2, section 7, line 3 of your Form 1040.
Failure to comply with this new tax will result in a severe case of V.D.
NOTE: Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund. Males over 12 inches
must pay a capital gains tax. Please do not request an extension.
Very truly yours,
T. Pecker Checker
Internal Revenue Service
Washington, D.C.
SNIGLETS:
`110 AT THE EQUATOR (won' ten at the ek way' tawr)
n. Any burning sensation experienced directly below
the navel when putting on a pair of jeans straight
from the dryer.
AETS (ehtz)
n. Greek symbols on water fountain handles.
AGONOSIS (ag uh no' sis)
n. The syndrome of tuning into "Wide World of Sports" every
Saturday just to watch the skier rack himself.
AIRDIRT (ayr' dirt)
n. A hanging plant that's been ignored for three weeks or more.
ALPOPUCK (al' po puck)
n. Any empty dish pushed around the kitchen floor by a dog
trying to get the last morsel.
ANCHORITY (an chor' ih tee)
n. A group's final, hard-fought decision on what toppings to
order on a pizza.
ARG (AUDIO RETINAL GYRATION) (ay ahr gee)
v. To move the head in a circular fashion while attempting to
read a rotating record label.
B+ STAMPEDE (bee' plus stam peed)
n. The attempt by half the classroom to claim the paper with no
name on it.
BACKSPACKLE (bak' spak uhl)
n. Markings on the back of one's shirt from riding a fenderless
bicycle.
BACKSPUBBLE (bak' suph bul)
n. Dishwater that disappears down one drain of a double sink
and comes up the other.
BALDAGE (bald' aj)
n. The accumulation of hair in the drain after showering.
BANECTOMY (bah nek' to mee)
n. The removal of bruises on a banana.
BARGUS (bar' jus)
n. The area on the windshield that the wipers can't reach.
BAZOOKACIDAL TENDENCIES (bah zew' kuh sy dal ten' den seez)
n. The overwhelming desire of most individuals to reach out and
pop the gigantic gum bubble billowing from someone's mouth.
BEAVO (bee' vo)
n. A pencil with teeth marks all over it.
BIMP (bimp)
n. A blurry or "double-edged" felt-tip marker.
BIXPLEX (biks' pleks)
n. Psychological block in which a person cannot choose which colour
of disposable lighter to purchase.
BIZOOS (bih zews')
n. The millions of tiny individual bumps that make up a basketball.
BLINDELIZE (blin' dul eyes)
v. To scratch an album beyond recognition trying to maneuver it
over the record spindle.
BLITHWAPPING (blith' wap ing)
v. Using anything BUT a hammer to hammer a nail into wall, such
as shoes, lamp bases, doorstops, etc.
BLIVETT (blih' vit)
v. To run one's pillow over and over, looking for the cool spot.
BLOOAGE (blew' ij)
n. The residue left on fingers after using an S.O.S. pad.
BLOTCH (blahch)
v. To slap the bottom a a catsup bottle with increasing intensity,
ultimately resulting in BLOTCHSLIDE.
BLURFLE (bler' ful)
v. To be caught talking at the top of one's lungs when the
music at the bar or disco suddenly stops.
BOBBLOGESTURE (bah blo jes' cher)
n. The classroom activity of not knowing an answer but raising
one's hand anyway (after determining a sufficient number of
other people have also raised their hands, thus reducing the
likelihood of actually being called on).
BOMCA (bahm' ka)
n. A lubricant derived from the salivary gland used
for turning book pages.
Dingleberries: (Ding 'el Berys) n. The little balls of poop that hang
on your anal hair.
BOMCA (bahm' ka) n. A lubricant derived from the salivary gland used for turni
book pages.
BOSLUM (bahz' lum)
n. The small metal ring on a ballpoint pen that separates the top
half (MELANEXUS) from the bottom half (MOOSTERUS).
BOVILEXIA (bo vil eks' e uh)
n. The uncontrollable urge to lean out of the car window and yell
"Moo!!" every time you pass a cow.
BOWLIKINETICS (boh lih kih neh' tiks)
n. The act of trying to control a released bowling ball by twisting
one's body in the direction one wants it to go.
BRATTLED (brat' uld)
adj. The unsettling feeling, at a stoplight, that the busload of
kids that just pulled up beside you is making fun of you.
BRAZEL (brah' zel)
n. The scratch plate on a matchbook
BRIMPLET (brim' plit)
n. A frayed shoelace that must be moistened to pass through
a shoe eyelet.
BUBBLIC (buh' blik)
adj. Addicted to the systematic popping of the bubbles in
packing material.
BUCKLINT (buck' lint)
n. The fine red and blue threads running through new dollar bills.
BUCULETS (buk' u lets)
n. The bumper guards on the underside of a toilet seats.
BUGPEDAL (bug' ped uhl)
v. To accelerate or decelerate rapidly in an attempt to
remove a clinging insect from a cars windshield.
BUMPERGLINTS (bump' ur glintz)
n. The small reflective obstacles in the middle of interstate
highways which supposedly keep drivers awake and on the track.
BURBULATION (ber byu lay' shun)
n. The obsessive act of opening and closing a refrigerator
door in an attempt to catch it before the little automatic
light comes on.
BURGACIDE (burg' uh side)
n. When a hamburger can't take any more torture and
hurls itself through the grill into the coals.
BUSBLENDER (bus' blen dur)
n. The device at the front of the bus that tosses your fare
around for awhile, then swallows it.
BUTTHENGE (but' henj)
n. A pile of cigarette butts occupying a parking lot space.
BUTTNICK (but' nik)
n. The crevice on an ashtray where the cigarette rests.
BUZZACKS (buz' aks)
n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display
phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the
phones are not connected.
CABNICREEP (kab' nih kreep)
n. The structural condition in which the closing of one
kitchen cabinet causes another to open.
CAFFIDGET (ka fij' it)
v. To break up a Styrofoam coffee cup into several hundred
pieces after consuming its contents.
CALTITUDE (kal' tih tood)
n. The height to which a cat's rear end can rise to meet the
hand stroking it.
CAREENA (ka reen' uh)
n. Any mangled or missing piece of highway guard rail.
CARPERIMETER (kar pur ihm' ih tur)
n. The zone between the wall and the end of the vacuum
cleaner where dirt is "safe".
CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun)
n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or piece of
lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up,
examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one
more chance.
CATLAPSE (kat' laps)
n. The amount of time a cat sleeping on his owner's lap has to
awake and prepare to hit the floor before the owner stands up.
CELLOSTATIC (sel oh stat' ik)
adj. The electrical property of cracker and cigarette wrappers that
causes them to stick to your hand.
CEREOALLOCATIVE (ser e o al' o ka tuv)
adj. Describes the ability of a seasoned breakfast eater to
establish a perfect cereal/banana ratio, assuring there will be
at least one slice of banana left for the final spoonful of
cereal.
CHAIN GANG WALK (chayn gang wok)
n. Activity observed in the footwear section of cheap department
stores where the shoes are wired together "for your convenience".
CHALKTRAUMA (chawk' traw ma)
n. The body's reaction to someone running his fingernails down
a chalkboard.
CHARP (charp)
n. The green, mutant patato chip found in every bag.
CHECKUARY (chek' yew air ee)
n. The 13th month of the year. Begins New Year's Day and ends when
a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his checks.
CHEEDLE (chee' dul)
n. The residue left on one's fingertips after consuming a
bag of Cheetos.
CHEERIOMAGNETIZATION (cheer ee oh mag net i zay' shun)
the tendency of the last four or five Cheerios in the bowl
to cling together for survival.
CHICLEXODUS (chik ul eks' oh dus)
n. Any attempt by a gum ball to sneak out of the chute
and roll past the buyer.
CHIPFAULT (chip' fawlt)
n. The stress point on a potato chip where it breaks off and
stays behind in the dip.
CHOCONIVEROUS (chahk o niv' ur us)
adj. The tendency when eating a chocolate Easter bunny to
bite off the head first.
CHUBBLE (chub' bul)
n. The aerobic movement combining deep-knee bends and sideward
hops used when trying to fit into panty hose.
CIRCUMPOPULATE (sur kum pop' yew layt)
v. To finish off a popsicle "laterally" because the "frontal"
approach causes one to gag.
COMBILOOPS (kom' bih lewps)
n. The two or three unsuccessful passes before finally opening
a combination locker.
CORNICLE (kor' nih kul)
n. Breaded "washer" left on the stick after eating a corndog.
COUNTERSAURUS (kown tur sawr' us)
n. Any person who orders two pieces of cheesecake and a Tab.
CRAYOLLIA (kray oh' lee uh)
n. The area on the refrigerator where kindergarten drawing
are displayed.
CRINKS (krinks)
n. Crevices and junctions where car wax gets in but
doesn't get out.
CRUMBPLUMB (krum' plum)
v. To attack a cereal box in an attempt to retrieve the prize.
CUBELO (kyew' beh lo)
n. The one cube left by the person too lazy to refill the ice tray.
