When I was in a six person suite of rooms, one of my room mates was a
witch, and by coincidence, another room mate had a key to his room.
One night the witch room mate returned to find that all six calendars
in his room were set to October, and there was a pentagram of
pencils on his desk. Since the door was still locked, he explained
it by assuming his familiar had taken physical form.
This type of thing continued for several months, during which time
he would often threaten to sick his familiar on people. Finally,
I think he got a little suspicious and called campus security.
Unfortunately, when they arrived, he was wearing a full length,
hooded black velvet cape with stars on it and carrying a staff,
so I don't think they took him seriously when he said someone
was rearranging his stuff without unlocking the doors or windows.
Here are some examples:
You pompous bunch of drivelling garbage.
You laughable clump of smelly puke lups.
You pitiful bag of bizarre blue whale snot.
You repulsive heap of uneducated ear wax.
You smelly truck-load of uncultured cigar butts.
You dreadful excuse for deeply disturbed barf.
You drivelling excuse for laughable shark fleas.
You uneducated mountain of irrational shark livers.
You dim-witted crate of awful whale parts.
You deeply disturbed blob of laughable drain clogs.
You drivelling excuse for stinking toe jam.
You awful tub of pitiful leopard innards.
One day two missionaries, a french one and one from belgium are captured
by some indigens in some lost part of africa.
The indigen chief turn to them and tell them :you've got the choice, either you
die now, either you have to undergo incredible difficults trials." After thinking
a while the two missionaries decide that trials are, after all, better than death.
So the chief tell them :
- "you've got to find each of you one hundred of fruits, from the same
species before tonight". The two missionaries aggree and set off the jungle
escorted by indigens.
The evening happens and both of them had come back with the right number of fruit.
The chiefs then say :
- "It was only the first part of the trial, now we're going to put one by one
each of the fruit up to your ass, and if you ever show a sign on your face we
kill you.
Then begin the last trial. The french guy decide to go first and is so happy
he had chosen to pick strawberries. So the chief begin to push one by one
the strawberries up to the french missionary ass. This one resist, resist,
and count to give himself courage 56, ... 57, ... 89, ... 90, ...96, and then
burst out laughing, and start rolling on the ground, laughing to death.
The chief very surprised say :
- "why are you laughing ? you almost did it, now we have to kill you"
And the french missionary to reply :
- "sorry, but i couldn't help, i couldn't forget the missionary from belgium
has brought back coconuts !"
>WHY is -1 X -1 = +1 ?
Well, it all started like this.
Long long ago,
So long ago,
Nobody can say how long ago,
there were many numbers. So many numbers that they themselves lost count of
how many numbers they were (Part of the problem arose because these numbers
were able to multiply and divide with great rapidity). And they all lived
on a line, which, for simplicity, we shall refer to as The Number Line. It
is left as a trivial exercise to the gentle reader to figure out who lived
in The Clothes Line, The Bee Line and The Dead Line.
They had politics too. They had the right wing and the left wing
parties. The right wing party numbers prefixed their names with a '+'. The
left wing party numbers prefixed their names with a '-'. There were also
numbers that didn't belong to either of these parties. But they wished to
remain anonymous (because, they knew that if their identity matrix was
revealed, their days were numbered) and called themselves '0'. Sometimes,
some numbers rebelled and formed their own fractions.
There were different kinds of numbers. Some numbers were admired
quite a lot by other numbers. These were called real numbers, as in, "There
goes a REAL number!!". Some numbers were deep thinkers and were called
Rational numbers. Numbers, that other numbers couldn't understand, were
considered to be Complex numbers. Some numbers were very religious and were
frequently meditating. These were called Transcendental numbers. Some
numbers that were suspected of practising witchcraft were called Hex
numbers. Numbers that were perpetually high on drugs were called Floating
Point numbers. Then there were Phone numbers, Card numbers, Apartment numbers,
Strength-In numbers (these were the professional body builders),... The
list goes on and on. But one thing was common to all - the numbers spoke
for themselves.
The numbers interacted with each other quite frequently. The
product of all these interactions were also numbers. The numbers sometimes
squared off with each other. Frequently, when this happened, other numbers
used to gather around and root for their favorite number (we know this
event as the square root of numbers. But it appears that no number rooted
for the left wing numbers when they squared off, which is probably why we
do not know of square root of numbers that start with a '-'). When left
wing numbers wanted to defect to the right wing, they just squared off with
themselves.
The numbers gave a lot of importance to sports. They regularly held
sports meets, called Math Olympiads, in which a lot of numbers
participated. One number from the right wing, was hailed as the all-time
greatest sprinter. This number was called +1 (*).
Two brothers from the left wing -1 and -1 (*) wanted to
prove that either of them were as fast as, if not faster than, +1. { (*)
All numbers have been changed to preserve the identity of the real numbers.
Naturally! }. So, one -1 decided to run against +1. The other -1 was the
official who was in-charge of timing the race. (The astute reader may have
already guessed the answer to Mr. Koon-Jan LIM's question).
The race was run. The outcome of the race was the expected value -
+1 reached the Finish Line (not to be confused with the Finnish Line)
atleast 10 seconds ahead of -1 and set a new record. But when the official
result was announced, all numbers were completely shocked! For the results
said that -1 equalled +1's record!!
All right wing numbers demanded an immediate numerical analysis of
the race. They all suspected -1, the official who timed the race. The
next day, the news papers carried the following news item:
"-1 times -1: Equals +1 !!!"
The left wing numbers insisted that the timings were correct while the
right wing numbers insisted that they were wrong. A war broke out. A lot of
number crunching occurred and still occurs quite frequently. The zeros
became fighter airplanes.
The newspaper item has been handed down through generations mostly
by word of mouth and so has lost all the punctuations. So we know it as
-1 times -1 equals +1
AND SO, Mr. Koon-Jan LIM, that is WHY -1 X -1 = +1.
Why do Aggies eat beans on Friday?
So that they can take a bubble bath on Saturday!!!
Buy the new Anita Hill doll-
Squeeze it and in ten years it squeals.
I saw a poem in Carmel Valley on a public urinal:
In the land of sun and fun
We don't flush for number one.
"Rape at the Gas Station"
by: Who Pumped Ethyl
The secretary asked the man, that just arrived to the office, wanting
to meet the manager:
-"Are you a bussiness-collegue, a lawyer or a personal friend."
-"All three of them."
-"Then, according to the instructions he gave me - he's in a meeting,
he's abroad for the next six months and he'll be with you in five minutes."
The manager is trying to calm his wife down after she has found him
in bed with his secretary:
-"Don't you understand that what my secretary is doing when she's
not at work is strictly her bussiness."
At a motel, far away, accidently bumping into the chief accountant,
the manager is introducing the blonde by his side:
...and ms Kyner you already know from our annual balance under
the heading 4various4..."
Q: Why do cowgirls walk bowlegged?
A: Because cowboys always eat with their hats on.
Little girl goes into thwe kitchen and says to her mother:
"Mummy, Mummy, can I get pregnant??"
The mother replies:
"Of course you can't, you're only eight."
The girl goes outside again and shouts:
"OKAY LADS, SAME AGAIN."
Would you rather have a Steinway or a Henway?
What's a Henway?
About a pound and a half.
(M)indlessly
(A)cting
(C)omputer
Maybe
A
Computer:
Idiots,
Nitwits, and
Twit
Operating
System
Here in.
Mary, her mom and dad were cruising the square one Sunday evening when Mary
started getting fed up of talking to her parents.....so she started checking
things out on the square etc......
.....and then she spotted something in the middle of the square crossing....it
looked shiny and indicated money...so she told her dad to stop and go get her
that quarter....but daddy said, forget it Mary, i am driving here; if you want
a quarter, here and he pulled a quarter out of his coat pocket.
But Mary wouldn't budge...she wanted the one in the middle of the streett so
daddy decided what the heck...he'd go get it and get the witch off his back.
He parked the car next to "KUM and GO" and walked over to the
intersection....and as he bent down to pick up the money a 18 wheeler whizzed
by and flattenned him!! Mary's mom started crying and hitting Mary and said
look you witch....you killed your other father for a mere quarter!
^&$%^$%#^^#%^#)%#%
but Mary Jane just laughed and laughed and luaghed.....
....cuz she knew it was only a bottlecap!
One thursday evening as Mary was walking the stroller downhill, she came across
some of her friends and started talking to them. It didn't take long before
she got so engrossed in the chat that she forgot all about the stroller which
after overcoming some of the blocks, was now happily accelerating downhill.
ONe of her friends saw the stroller and shouted,
" MARY YOUR BROTHER....HE IS HEADED DOWNHILL....HE'LL DIE IF WE DON'T
CATCH THE STROLLER PRETTY QUICK. DON'T FORGET THE MAJOR
INTERSECTION AT THE BOTTOM OF THE HILL!!!!!!!!!"
Her friends panicked, but Mary Jane just laughed and laughed and laughed...
Cuz she knew there was a stop sign at the bottom of the hill......
Mary Jane was pestering her mother to let her go out and play in the barn but..
MJ: mommmy, mommmmmy, please let me go play in the barn, pleeeease
MO: No!...it is getting dark and you can't go play outside..
MJ: but please mommy.
MO NO
MJ please please please pretty please please please
MO: oh all right ...go but be back before 7:30
MJ kissing mommyy....okay ma!!!
SO Mary Jane went outside to the barn and stasrted playing in there....and soon
she found a box of matches and set the barn on fire....by the time mommy came
out and realized what here brat daughter had done, the barn was all gone.
MO: Look you bitch what you've done...you burnt the damn barn down...now where
will the hay for the cows come from you cow!!! Wait till I tell your...he'll
set you right. &%^@$&@#&)&#$&%#$@%&)^@$#)@^&#$%
But may jane laughed and laughed and laughed.
......cause she knew Daddy was in the barn!
Mommy, Mommy, why is my hair so slimey?
Shut up, you little snot!
But Mommy, I don't want to learn how to swim!
Shut up, or I'll flush it!
