BOSTON CELTICS:
Show up for a St. Patrick's day game wearing orange.
MINNESOTA TWINS:
Hack the stadium TV monitors to show continuous clips from "The
Other" and reruns of "The Patty Duke Show".
SAN DIEGO PADRES/NEW ORLEANS SAINTS:
Dress up as nuns and sing "The Vatican Rag" in the stadium.
OAKLAND ATHLETICS:
Surround the stadium with angry members of Overeaters
Anonymous. Bring in the members of a men's sensitivity group to
tell emotionally charged stories of being cut from the junior varsity
baseball team.
NEW YORK YANKEES:
Yell nasty insults involving dry martinis, white bread, and
mayonnaise. Refer to the players and coaches as "Binky", "Biff", and
"Chip".
LOS ANGELES DODGERS
Just throw stuff at them on the field. They were originally the
"Trolley Dodgers" in Brooklyn. Serves 'em right for moving to a city
with such abysmal public transportation.
VANCOUVER CANUCKS
Show tapes of old Ed Muskie speeches. (This is a subtle, 70's-kid,
Watergate-related activity.)
TORONTO BLUE JAYS
Quote noted ornithologists on the thuggish habits of the
aforementioned birds.
ST. LOUIS/PHOENIX CARDINALS
If you're Catholic, complain about the use of a distinguished Church
title to describe both a mere bird and two secular sports teams. If
you're anti-Catholic, bring up the Spanish Inquisition.
LOS ANGELES RAIDERS
Initiate a protest by "The Friends of T. Boone Pickens."
CALGARY FLAMES
Plaster the stadium with fire-prevention posters. Complain that the
team name encourages children to play with matches.
UTAH JAZZ
If you're a puritanical type, complain about the original sexual
connotations of the word "jazz." If you're a music scholar, point out
the geographic inaccuracy inherent in the name.
MINNESOTA VIKINGS
Complain that Christopher Columbus got all the attention. Eat
lutefisk in the stadium upwind of the most expensive seats.
INDIANAPOLIS COLTS
Bring over a contingent of unemployed Detroit auto workers to stage
a protest over naming the team for a Japanese-manufactured car.
MONTREAL CANADIENS
Claim that Francophones spell things funny.
CHICAGO BEARS/BOSTON BRUINS/CINCINNATI REDS
Symbols of now-discredited Soviet COMMUNISM? Bring back Joe
McCarthy!
DETROIT PISTONS
They exist. Isn't that nasty enough?
W H Y C O P S H A T E Y O U <<<<&l <
-if you have to ask get out of the way-
Have you ever been stopped by a traffic cop and, while he was
writing a ticket or giving you a warning, you got the feeling that
he would just love to yank you out of the car, right through the
window, and smash your face into the front fender?...
