There is a married couple with two children. To avoid corrupting
the children's minds, the couple uses the word "laundry" to represent sex.
One night, the man rolls over to the wife and says "Honey, would you like
to do laundry tonight?"
The wife replies "No dear, I'm tired."
The husband waits a while and then says "Honey, now would you like to do
some laundry?"
The wife replies "No dear."
Finally a while later, the wife rolls over and says to the husband:
"Let's do some laundry."
The husband replies "Sorry, but it was a small load and I did it myself."
TOP TEN REASONS WHY MAGIC JOHNSON GOT AIDS
10. He wanted to contend against Lyle Alzado in a contest
to see who will die first.
9. They don't make condoms the size of his penis. He's
not called Johnson for nothing.
8. G-d f*cked up. He meant to give it to Izaiah Thomas
instead, with that gay voice of his.
7. He mistook them for basket'balls'.
6. It was an excuse for early retirement.
5. Now we know why Pat Riley left the team to go elsewhere.
4. He bought a 'trick' from a hooker.
3. He should have used safe sex. "Abra Cadabra" doesn't do it.
2. Converse needed a new ad campaign.
AND THE NUMBER 1 REASON WHY MAGIC JOHNSON GOT AIDS:
1. Richard Simmons liked to have 'jungle fever'.
The current issue of Prevention has as its cover story
How to Lose Weight Like "Magic"
Useful phrases to know when traveling in Moslem areas
AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOTFAN.
Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.
FEKR GABUL CARDAN DAVAT PAEH GUSH DIVAR.
I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down on the
floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart.
SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH OEH GOFTEH BANDE.
I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life.
AUTO ARRAREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH-HAST.
It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk
of your car.
FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMARA
JEBEHKESHVAREHMAN.
If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages
I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.
KHREL JEPAHEH MANEH VAJAYELL AMRIKAHEY.
I will tell you the names an addresses of many American spies traveiling
as reporters.
BALLI, BALLI, BALLI!
Whatever you say!
MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLIEH, GHORBAN.
The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency.
TIKEH NUNEH BA OB KHRELLEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM.
The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I must
have the recipe.
Yitzhak Shamir's Ten Top Tips on How To Be An Acceptable Nazi
-------------------------------------------------------------
1. Make friends with someone powerful like the Americans, and ensure there are
plenty of them on your side.
2. Pick on someone to persecute who nobody seems to like anyway.
3. Your leader should preferably be a chimpanzee with piles or a comical
bearing, because people like funny animals.
4. Hijack a generic term for people in your region, and make out that it refers
to your nation alone. Then, call anyone who maligns you an anti-whatever. Of
course, the people you pick on will be likely to fall into the same
category, so you will actually be the real anti-whatever. But that's what
Nazism is all about - hypocrisy.
5. Don't set up "concentration camps" for your enemies, unless these is
somewhere convenient that everybody thinks of as being as good as one, like
Lebanon. Instead, set up "quarters" of each city, and then fence them off.
This is a good, Politically Correct, form of concentration camp.
6. Don't do anything really nasty to them, like gasing them, just in case
anyone realises the connection. Instead, make them mad enough to riot, and
then just shoot them.
7. Pretend to want peace with your neighbouring countries, while at the same
time refusing to consider returning any land you have stolen, and also
being as stubborn as possible about your "proposals". Then you can
point at the old British and French empires, or early American history,
if anyone kicks up a fuss.
8. Ensure that blame for your acts can always be directed at someone else,
however tentative the connection may be. Give everyone a way out of
believing you are a Nazi.
9. Make any peacemakers jump through hoops before allowing yourself to attend
any conferences on what they will call the "problem".
10. Finally, make sure your cause can be linked with the prevailing religion in
your country, as this not only makes people more inclined to do as you say,
but also makes Politically Correct nay-sayers hesitate to criticise because
of not wanting to appear to be religious bigots.
What article of clothing holds the most animals?
Pantyhose--10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 beaver and a fish no one can
seem to find.
Did you hear that JC Penneys is having a Pee Wee Herman sale?
All men's pants half off.
Did you hear what they found in Pee Wee Herman's pants?
Michael Jackson's other glove.
Freshman: Hey man, can you tell me where the cafeteria is at ?
PROF:Young man, this is PRINCETON. We do not end a sentence with a preposition!
Freshman: Oh. Well then, can you tell me where the cafeteria is at, ASSHOLE?
A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says,
"Mommy, why does the girl wear white?"
his mom replies,
"The bride is in white because she's happy and this
is the happiest day of her life."
The boys thinks about this, and then says,
"Well then why is the boy wearing black..."
what do you call a woman with 90% of her intelligence gone?
divorced
There was a young lady from ALASKA
Who would do ANYTHING you ASKA
She would take you to the woods
And give you the goods
And later you would be
Damned sorry you ASKA!
1) Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water
God knows what they did up there,
They came down with a daughter.
2) Hickory Dickory Dock,
3 mice ran up the clock,
The clock struck one,
The other 2 got away with minor injuries.
3) Hickory Dickory Dock,
An elephant ran up the clock,
The clock is being repaired.
what do you call a quadrapeligic flying over a fence?
Homer
