The ark lands after The Flood. Noah lets all the animals out. Says,
"Go and multiply." Several months pass. Noah decides to check up on the
animals. All are doing fine except a pair of snakes. "What's the problem?"
says Noah. "Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes.
Noah follows their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the
snakes again. Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks,
"Want to tell me how the trees helped?" "Certainly", say the snakes.
"We're adders, and we need logs to multiply."
What is "pi"?
Mathematician: Pi is thenumber expressing the relationship between the
circumference of a circle and its diameter.
Physicist: Pi is 3.1415927plus or minus 0.000000005
Engineer: Pi is about 3.
Lemma: All horses are the same color.
Proof (by induction):
Case n=1: In a set with only one horse, it is obvious that all horses
in that set are the same color.
Case n=k: Suppose you have a set of k+1 horses. Pull one of these
horses out of the set, so that you have k horses. Suppose that all of
these horses are the same color. Now put back the horse that you took
out, and pull out a different one. Suppose that all of the k horses
now in the set are the same color. Then the set of k+1 horses are all
the same color. We have k true => k+1 true; therefore all horses are
the same color.
Ya' hear about the geometer who went to the beach to
catch the rays and became a tangent ?
My geometry teacher was sometimes acute, and sometimes
obtuse, but always, he was right.
And now, for some really bad picture jokes (that I heard at Cal Poly SLO) :
Q: A dust storm blows through, now how much do you have ?
A: 99, dirty tree + dirty tree + dirty tree
Q: Some birds go flying by and leave their droppings,
one per tree, how many is that ?
A: 100, dirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and a turd
+ dirty tree and a turd
A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer
scientist are on a photo-safari in africa. They drive out on the
savannah in their jeep, stop and scout the horizon with
their binoculars.
The biologist : "Look! There's a herd of zebras! And there,
in the middle : A white zebra! It's fantastic !
There are white zebra's ! We'll be famous !"
The statistician : "It's not significant. We only know there's one
white zebra."
The mathematician : "Actually, we only know there exists a zebra,
which is white on one side."
The computer scientist : "Oh, no! A special case!"
I saw the following scrawled on a math office blackboard in college:
1 + 1 = 3, for large values of 1
lim ----
8-->9 \/ 8 = 3
Asked how his pet parrot died, the mathmatican answered
"Polynomial. polygon."
Lumberjacks make good musicians because of their natural
logarithms.
Pie are not square. Pie are round. Cornbread are square.
A physics joke:
"Energy equals milk chocolate square"
Statisticians probably do it
Algebraists do it in groups.
Von Neumann and Nobert Weiner were both the subject of many dotty
professor stories. Von Neumann supposedly had the habit of simply
writing answers to homework assignments on the board (the method
of solution being, of course, obvious) when he was asked how to solve
problems. One time one of his students tried to get more helpful
information by asking if there was another way to solve the problem.
Von Neumann looked blank for a moment, thought, and then answered,
"Yes.".
Weiner was in fact very absent minded. The following story is told
about him: When they moved from Cambridge to Newton his wife, knowing
that he would be absolutely useless on the move, packed him off to
MIT while she directed the move. Since she was certain that he would
forget that they had moved and where they had moved to, she wrote down
the new address on a piece of paper, and gave it to him. Naturally,
in the course of the day, an insight occurred to him. He reached in
his pocket, found a piece of paper on which he furiously scribbled
some notes, thought it over, decided there was a fallacy in his idea,
and threw the piece of paper away. At the end of the day he went
home (to the old address in Cambridge, of course). When he got there
he realized that they had moved, that he had no idea where they had
moved to, and that the piece of paper with the address was long gone.
Fortunately inspiration struck. There was a young girl on the street
and he conceived the idea of asking her where he had moved to, saying,
"Excuse me, perhaps you know me. I'm Norbert Weiner and we've just
moved. Would you know where we've moved to?" To which the young
girl replied, "Yes daddy, mommy thought you would forget."
C programmers do it with long pointers.
(Logicians do it) or [not (logicians do it)].
Theorem: a cat has nine tails.
Proof:
No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat. Therefore,
a cat has nine tails.
These Jokes were collected by me, Chris Litchfield.
They can be offensive and so if you have a delicate taste, forget reading them.
I take no resposibility for the jokes contained in the JOKIN series. I
am the collector and the editor.
I felt the need for good jokes files around the country and I have
collected a few good ones, very few. I have scanned many a message and have
written many a good joke to put together the JOKIN series. Leave any jokes you
have in many of the NetMail systems around the country and it may eventually
get into the JOKIN series. Above all.. I want this to be FUNNY!
Enjoy!
P.S. Please do not split the files up or rename them! Jokes should be seen in
only one place and duplicated jokes are a pain!
A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam.
The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he
would be with him in just a few minutes. Well, when the man sat down
in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a
stand next to the doctor's desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove,
and a beer.
When the doctor came in, the man said, "Look Doc, this is my
first exam... I know what the K-Y is for... and I know what the glove
is for... but what's the BEER for?"
At this instant, the doctor became noticably outraged and
stormed over to the door. The Doc flung the door open and yelled to
his nurse, "Dammit all!!! I said `a BUTT LIGHT'!!!"
^^^^
Dain bramage caused my peach imspediment.
The Ideal Wife should be beautiful, but not so beautiful
that people think you married her only for her beauty. And The
Ideal Wife should be wealthy, but not so wealthy that people
think you married her only for her money. And The Ideal Wife
should be gentle, but not so gentle that she can't suck a tennis
ball through a fifty-foot garden hose.
People felt sorry for the poor little Russian boy with his arms
full of newspapers. But Ivan held his head high with pride, for
after all, he did have a clutch of Tass.
Jesus saves - Gretzky scores on the rebound
" " - but Moses invests!
" " - Green Stamps.
" " - at the 1st National Savings Bank.
What do Marilyn Quayle and Marion Berry (mayor of Washington,
DC) have in common?
A: They both like to blow a little dope!
There's one behind every Zipper!
There once was a yellow toad. He was a very unhappy toad because he had
no friends. Thus, he consulted a magician, who was able to turn him
brown, except for his private parts. When queried, the magician said,
For that you must see the Wizard; I never have much luck with those."
On the way to see the Wizard, the toad encountered a pink elephant, who
was leaning against a rock and crying. "What's the matter?" asked the
toad. "I'm pink! That's what's the matter." said the elephant. "No
problem," said the toad, "just go see the magician." So the elephant
did, and the magician turned him grey - except, again, for his private
parts. "For that you must see the Wizard," said the magician. "How do
I find the Wizard?" asked the elephant.
"Simple," said the magician, "just follow the yellow-prick toad!"
As Ensigns in the Navy, Bill and Bob were assigned to the detail
that goes to the parents' house to break the sad news, in this case
that a son had been killed at sea in a plane crash. Bill was very
uncomfortable with the role, and is barely able to stammer through
these words:
"Mrs. Jones, ah, it's my sad duty to, um, inform you your son was
killed in the service of your country."
She breaks down in tears and moans, "Oh, I'll never be able to look
at him in his coffin."
And Bob says, "Oh, don't worry about that; it's no problem... They
didn't recover his body."
My comm port + Your comm port = wakawaka
What are you smiling about?
What's for dinner ?
Meatloaf
What about the vegitables ?
The're not home from school yet
Ronnie is now selling Contra-ceptives
A rope went into a bar where a sign prominently displayed proclaimed "NO
ROPES SERVED". "Can't you read the sign? It says 'NO ROPES SERVED',"
said the beertender.
Dejected, the rope went home and put on a disguise--dark glasses, heavy
overcoat, mussy hair. Back to the bar he went.
"Hey, I know you, you were in here before. You're a rope, and the sign
says .;.. well you know what it says. Now >O*U*T
Truly down in the mouth now, the rope was at his wits' end. He went
home and cut off his ends and unraveled himself into his component
twiney parts, and tied himself up into a big half-hitch. He then
returned to the bar, tattered ends dragging, and draped himself over the
chair. "May I help you?" asked the barman. "Wait ... there's something
awfully familiar about you ... didn't I throw you outa here twice
already? Are you a rope?" "No," replied the rope, "I'm a frayed knot."
Bob, Don and Joe were lifelong friends. Suddenly one day Joe
disappeared. Everybody was helping Bob and Don find Joe, until Bob and
Don remembered that Joe had two assholes. "How do you know >that<?"
someone asked Bob. "Simple," he replied, "Every time we're with Joe,
somebody always says 'Here comes Joe with the two assholes.'"
Practice safe hex, type in surgical gloves.
I was watching Wizard of Oz the other day.. and it occured to me
that there was some major glitches in it.
Who in their right mind who keep a bucket of the stuff that meltys
them "Just laying around"
Think about it.. The Witch meltsz at the touch of water... SHE NEVER
HAD A BATH.. no wonder she was green and had no friends!
AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie
a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and
impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over and over
again. People think you are stupid.
PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by
the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your associates and
people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack confidence and
you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to small
animals.
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are
quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not very
nice.
TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and
work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull headed.
You are a Communist.
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you
are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too
little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for committing
incest.
CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. They
think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That's why
you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare recipients are
Cancer people.
LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) You consider yourself a born leader. Oth
think you are pushy. Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and
dislike honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are
thieves.
VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is
sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes
fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers.
LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If
you are a man, you are more than likely gay. Chances for employment
and monetary gains are excellent. Most Libra women are prostitutes.
All Libra people die of Venereal disease.
SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve the
pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most Scorpio
people are murdered.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
You are optinistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendancy to
rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority of Sagittarians are
drunks or dope fiends or both. People laugh at you a great deal.
CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19)
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do much of
anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any
importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as
they take root and become trees.
An elderly man walked into the church and took
a seat in a confessional.
"Father," he said, "I am making love twice a day
to an eighteen-year-old girl."
"Mr. Solomon, you're Jewish," the priest replied.
"Why are you telling me?"
"I'm telling everyone!"
"Make it a double, Joe," the dejected man told the
bartender. "I just got the shock of my life. I
caught my wife srewing my best friend."
"Paul, that's awful. What did you do?"
"I hit him in the nose with a newspaper and sent
him to bed with no Kibbles N Bits."
