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• Hello, is this the party to whom I am speaking?
• Well, this isn't strictly from an answering machine, but.
  .. >From Calvin and Hobbes: (phone rings) (you answer) Hello, this is &l...
• PARDON me, am I speaking ENGLISH?
• Here I sit, in a tizzy; all my favorite boards are busy
• She (to passing man): Excuse me, do you have the time?
  He: Do you have the energy? What is your favorite position on extramarital sex?...
• Letter to the Bank Manager Dear Bank Manager, I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
  By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it....
• WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN AN OAKIE' AND A DAMN FOOL?
  THE RED RIVER. In Texas, we're proud to have the best politicians that money can buy....
• Hello dad...I'm in jail and I LIKE IT here!
• Hello, epicenter of the Universe, God speaking. If you leave your name, number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you back as soon as I can.
  Please note that I answer all prayers, but sometimes the answer is NO....