Answering machines. Nowadays almost everyone has one, complete
with a snappymessage of their own device. Wait for the beep and then read on.
This is a short adaptation of Simon Butler-White's and Clive Archer's
"could-be" phone messages released in Australian Cleo, August 1989.
(Some of them are bit old, Maggie ain't prime minister of the UK, and
Kylie Minogue isn't seeing Jason Donovan anymore, but you'll get the meaning
anyway,I'm sure).
John McEnroe, Tennis Mouth
You dummy! You've called while I'm OUT! Five minutes You've missed
me by ATLEAST five minutes. Are you stupid or what? Can't you get
anything right?You people make me sick! Leave a message and
I'll call you back! BEEP.
----
Sarah Ferguson, Another Royal
(Giggle) Hello, this is Fergie...er (sound of hand being placed over
receiver and a loud whisper). Andrew! What'sthat title again? What? Oh hello,
this is the Duchess of York. The Duke and I are out skiing, so when you hear
the jolly old pip pip, leave your message and we'll give you a tinkle when
we get back - in November. BEEP.
----
Elvis Presley, Corpse
Hi. I can't come to the phone right now. Actually I can't do much of anything
right now because I've been dead since 1977. But my spirit lives on and if
you'd like to leave your name and number, I'll try to contact you via ouija
board, Madame Zenda or garbled tape recording. This is also the number of
John F. Kennedy, Adolf Hitler, Harold Holt, Lucille Ball, Roy Orbison...BEEP.
----
Mikhail Gorbachev, Commie Birthmark
Hello. This is Nonoxynol-9, the persona and private telephone number of
Mikhail Vladivostok Gorbachev, General Secretary of the Supreme Council of
the glorious Communist Party of the Union of Sovjet Socialist Republics,
Commander-In-Chief of the Combined Armies of the Proletariat Peoples of
Russia, First Citizen of the Order of Lenin, Supreme Patron of the Soviet
Institute of Literature and Domestic Sciences, President of the Soviet
People's Council of Peace and Happines and Captain of the Kremlin B Squash
Team. But hey, call me Mike. BEEP.
----
Arnold Schwarzenegger, Thespian
Gutten day to you. Here I'm being on ze set of mein latest moofie. Eet's
the latest moofie in mein strings of mega-hits. First zere was za Terminator,
zen zere was za Predator...zis one's called za Laminator. Eet's about zis
handyman on a mission. Eet's drama. Very funny stuff. You'll chust luff it.
I know you vill. Leaf a messich after za beep. Don't say you can't. Ve haf
vays off making you talk, you know. BEEP.
----
Margaret Thatcher, Iron Woman
You have reached the residence of the Prime Minister at No. 10 Downing
Street. When you hear the beep, sit up straight, speak clearly and
distinctly and STOP doodling when you're talking to me! And Dennis, if that's
you, how many time have I told you abut staying at the club after 9.30?
We've been a very naughty boy, haven't we? BEEP.
----
Kylie Minogue, Singing Budgie
Gee, hi, um, I'm unable to come to the phone right now cos I'm making a
movie, or a video, or a new album or something, but I'll get back to you
next time I'm in Australia. and if that's you Jason, I stick by what I
said last night: You wear your underwear and I'll wear mine. BEEP.
----
The Pope, Spiritual Leader
Bless you my child. This is John Paul Ringo...heh heh, I tell a liddle
Beatles choke, yes? I'm out kissing airport runways (hey, so would you
if you flew Boeing) and am unable to pontificate at present. Please
leave your name and number when you hear the amen and I'll get back to
you, God willing. BEEP.
----
[to the tune of "I'm not your stepping stone"]
"I I I I I'm just an answering machine... I said 'a I I I I I'm just an
answering machine. BEEP."
