There were these two men drinking together in a bar. One was of Chinese
extraction, the other Jewish. After a few drinks, the Jew hit the Asian
to the floor. After picking himself up, the man asked, "What was that for?".
The Jew said, "That was for Pearl Harbor." The Chinese man said, "But that
was the Japanese, and I'm Chinese!" The Jewish man said, "Japanese - Chinese,
What the Hay?" After a few more drinks, the Chinese man decks the Jew and
says, "That's for the sinking of the Titanic!" After picking himself up,
the man says, "The Titanic was sunk by an iceberg." The Chinese man says,
"Iceberg - Goldberg, What the Hay?"
Q. Why was the casualty rate so high among black GIs in Viet Nam?
A. Because every time somebody hollered, "Get down!", they all
started singing and dancing.
Q. Why do Mexicans lower their cars?
A. So they can pick lettuce without getting out.
Q. Why do the Mexicans have those little-bitty steering wheels?
A. So they can drive with handcuffs on.
The fellow who was half Mexican, half Polish: He painted graffiti
on chain-link fences.
An Englishman's wife had died. Somewhat later, he met a friend who
said, "I'm sorry to hear that your wife passed away". The Englishman
being rather deaf, he said, "What did you say?". The friend repeated,
louder, "I'm sorry to hear that you buried your wife". The Englishman
replied quietly, "I had to, old fellow. She was dead, y' know".
Tony had not been outside of New York City since he got off the
boat. One day he took a notion to get on a train and go to visit
his son and daughter-in-law who lived in Miami. When he arrived,
his son picked him up at the train station. "How was the train
ride, Dad?", he asked. "No good", the old man replied, "They no
letcha do nuthin on a train". "What do you mean,'They no letcha
do nuthin'?", the son asked. The father explained: "Im-a sittin
on-a the train for a long-a time. Pretty soon, Im-a get hungry, so
Im-a take out some-a salami an some-a bread. The conductor he come-a
by an say, 'If-a you wanna eat, you gotta go down to the dining-a
car'. I no want no trouble, so I put it away. Pretty soon Im-a
get thirsty, so I take-a out my jug an have a little vino. The
conductor come-a by an say, 'If-a you wanna drink you gotta go
down to the bar car'. Well I no want no trouble, so I go down to
the bar car. While Im in-a the bar car, I meet a nice-a girl.
One-a thing an another an pretty soon we go down to her compartment.
Things are just-a gettin really nice when the damn-a conductor
come-a by an holler,'No-fok-a Virginia! No-fok-a Virginia!'".
Of course there's the one about the Vietnamese cookbook:
"101 Ways to Wok your Dog".
A black man, a Jew, and an Italian were riding in the same
compartment on a european train. A fly flew into the compartment.
It flew around the black man's face for a while and was waved off.
It flew around the Jew's face for a while and was again shooed off.
It flew around the Italian's face for a while when the man, taking
careful aim, caught it and immediately popped it into his mouth.
Pretty soon, a second fly flew into the compartment.
It flew around the black man's face for a while and was waved off.
It flew around the Jew's face for a while and was again shooed off.
It flew around the Italian's face for a while when the man, taking
careful aim, caught it and immediately popped it into his mouth.
After a while, a third fly flew into the compartment.
It flew around the black man's face for a while and was waved off.
It flew around the Jew's face for a while. Then, taking careful aim,
he grabbed it and, turning to the Italian, said, "Do you want to
buy a fly?".
A Scotsman's little boy fell into the river and was drowning.
A man who happened to be walking by saw the boy's plight and
jumped in and rescued him. Thinking it was no big thing, he then
went home. A short time later, he got a phone call from the Scotsman
who asked if he was the man who had saved his son. The man said that
he was, whereupon the Scotsman asked him to come over to his house.
Assuming that he was going to get a reward, he was rather embarrassed,
but agreed to go to the Scotsman's house. When he got there, he
identified himself and modestly began to explain than it was really
not a big thing. But without waiting for an explanation, the
Scotsman looked him in the eye and said, "Well, wherrre's his hat?".
Q. What do you call ten Jewish women in a basement?
A. A whine cellar.
A column of Italian soldiers was marching through the woods when
they came to a small stream that they had to cross. As they
approached the stream, they began to get sniper fire from the other
side. So they fell back and sent out a scout to go downstream
a ways, cross the river, and get rid of the sniper. They waited -
and waited - and waited. They had just about given him up for lost
when suddenly there was an incredible crashing through the brush.
It was the scout in total panic. As he got within earshot, he
screamed, "Run for your lives! It's a trap! There's two of them!".
Of course, there's the one about the team of Italian astronauts
who were planning a mission to the sun. Someone asked, "How are
you going to keep from burning up?". "No problem", replied the
astronaut, "We'll go at night".
An Englishman was rowing on the Thames one Sunday afternoon when
he dropped his oars into the water. As the poor fellow was drifting
helplessly out to sea, he happened to come across another boat in
which were a guy and a couple of girls. He hollered over to the
guy, "Say mite, lend me one o' yer oars!". The fellow hollered back,
"They ain't 'ores! It's me wife and sister!".
There was a big medical convention at a plush resort located on a
lake in upstate New York. Monday and Tuesday the doctors held their
learned sessions. Wednesday was a free day, so all the doctors
went fishing on the lake. Each had brought along his favorite bait.
There was the throat specialist who had a jar full of tonsils that
he had removed. Another had pieces of stomachs. Yet another had
old appendixes that he had removed. And so it went. None of them
was catching anything but a cold, except for one fellow who was
off by himself in one corner of the lake. He was hauling in fish
as if there were no tomorrow. One of the doctors who had been
watching this for some time finally paddled over to the guy in
frustration and said, "Excuse me Doctor, but I simply have to ask
what on earth you are using for bait". The fellow replied in a
heavy Jewish accent, "All right, so who's a doctor?".
An Italian guy came over from the old country and went to
Southern California. First thing he did was to get a silver ice
bucket and some expensive wines. Then he set himself up on the
beach and waited for the girls to arrive. Nobody paid a bit of
attention to him. Meanwhile, he noticed the local lifeguard who
had girls swarming all over him. So he went over and asked the
lifeguard how come he wasn't getting anywhere. The lifeguard
said, "Look man, this is Southern California. You gotta get with
the program. First you build up your muscles and get a real good
tan. Then you get a skimpy pair of Bikini briefs. Then you get
a medium sized potato and put it in the briefs. Then stroll up
and down the beach and see what happens".
The Italian followed the instructions. He signed up at the local
health spa, worked out on the weights, and spent his time under the
sun lamp. Then he got himself a pair of skimpy Bikini briefs, put
a potato in the briefs, and hit the beach.
No results. Quite the contrary, every time he walked passed
a couple of girls they turned away in obvious disgust, "Gross!
Disgusting!". So he went back to the lifeguard and asked him how
come he still wasn't getting anywhere. The lifeguard took one look
at him and said in dismay, "Oh, no! You got the potato in the
wrong side!".
Q. How do you keep an Englishman happy in his old age?
A. You tell him jokes when he's young.
Q. What are the three most dangerous things in the world?
A. An Italian with brains, a Polack with money, and a Greek wearing
tennis shoes.
Q. Why don't black people marry Mexicans?
A. They are afraid the children would be too lazy to steal.
From LA:
Q. What's the fastest thing on two wheels?
A. An Arab on a bicycle going down Fairfax Avenue.
Q. What's the definition of mass confusion?
A. Fathers and Sons Day in Harlem.
There's also the one about the rock band that was banned from
performing in Israel. They called themselves "The Four Skins".
The Irishman who didn't have sense enough to come in out of the rain:
Paddy O'Furniture.
Two black dudes were standing in front of a Synagogue, when they
heard the sound of a horn from inside. One of them said, "Man,
dig dat crazy horn!". Pretty soon someone came out, and the dude
says, "Man, what's dat crazy horn we heard in dere?". The man
replied, "That was the rabbi blowing the Shofar". The dude turns
to his buddy and says, "Man, dey sho' treats de help good around
here!".
Q. How do you tell who the Irishman is on an oil drilling platform?
A. He's the one throwing bread to the helicopters.
Q. There are 100 Irishmen in a room. What is the sum of their IQ's?
A. 101 - One of them is the Prime Minister.
Alternate version:
Q. What has an IQ of 102?
A. Dublin.
Q. What's a level-headed Irishman?
A. One that dribbles out of both sides of his mouth.
Q. How do you identify an Italian airliner?
A. It has hair under the wings.
A man suffered a cardiac arrest and was effectively dead. After a
while, they managed to revive him, and someone asked, "What was it
like to be dead?". He replied, "Oh, I visited heaven, and then I
visited hell". "What was heaven like?", asked the questioner. "It
was sort of like Europe", said the man. "What do you mean, 'It was
like Europe'?". "Well, all the chefs were French, all the car
mechanics were German, all the watchmakers were Swiss, all the
lovers were Italian, and all the cops were English". Then the
questioner asked, "What was hell like?". The man replied,
"It was sort of like Europe, too". "What do you mean, 'It was like
Europe too'?". "Well, all the chefs were English, all the car
mechanics were Italian, all the watchmakers were Polish, all the
lovers were Greek, and all the cops were German".
A French couple were in bed making love when the telephone rang.
"You get it, dear", he said, "It's at your end".
A black guy was walking down the street having to pee something
awful. There was noplace to go, but he happened to notice a house
under construction. They were in the process of putting on the roof,
so there was nobody inside. When he thought no one was looking, he
sneaked inside the house, went into a corner, and began to take care
of the problem. Just then, the foreman walked in, saw him and said,
"Hey do you work here?" The black guy replied, "No, man." The
foreman said to him, "Well then, put down that roll of roofing paper
and get out of here!".
Q. What does Pontiac stand for?
A. Poor Old N_____ Thinks It's A Cadillac.
Q. Why do Jews have big noses?
A. Because air is free.
Q. What does a Jewish dirty old man say?
A. You wanna buy a piece of candy, little girl?
Q. French women prefer which American car?
A. The Os mobile.
