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10 Things That Piss Me Off:
1. People who point at their wrist while
asking for the time. I know where my watch is,
buddy...where the hell is yours? Do I point at
my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is??
2. People in the supermarket check out line
who wait until their entire bill is rung up
before they begin writing their check.
Hello...is the store name going to change,
or the date, or your signature before the
clerk finishes? Get a clue!
3. People who are willing to get off their
ass to search the entire room for the damn TV
remote because they refuse to walk to the TV
and change it manually!
4. When people say..."Oh, you just want to
have your cake and eat it, too." Screw that!!!
What good is a damn piece of cake if you can't
eat it? What should I do...eat someone else's
piece of cake instead.
5. When people say..."It's always the last
place you look." No shit!! Why the hell would
you keep looking for it after you've already
found it?? Do people do this?? Who and where
are they??
6. When people say, while watching a movie
.."Did you see that?" No, dumb ass, I paid
$7.50 to come to a theater and stare at the
ceiling up there. What did you come here for??.
7. People who ask, "Can I ask you a question?"
Didn't really give me a choice there, did
ya buddy?
8. When something is "New & Improved," Which
is it? If it's new, there has never been anything
before it. If it's an improvement then there must
have been something before it!
9. When a cop pulls you over and then asks
if you know how fast you were going. "You should
know, asshole. You're the one that pulled me
over!"
Here's the 10TH thing that really bugs
me....
10. Chain letters! Who the hell thinks that
by annoying other people with stupid mail with
no meaning, that they will grant you a wish, or
make your long-lost love fall into your arms.
Bullshit! I'm so sure that by breaking a stupid
chain letter that the computer gods are going to
curse me!! What a crock of shit!!!
By the way, if you send this to 10
people, shit won't happen, and that person you're
in love with won't come crawling to you...so if
you feel this is funny, go on and send it to some
one else, but don't expect one damn thing in return!
1. People who point at their wrist while
asking for the time. I know where my watch is,
buddy...where the hell is yours? Do I point at
my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is??
2. People in the supermarket check out line
who wait until their entire bill is rung up
before they begin writing their check.
Hello...is the store name going to change,
or the date, or your signature before the
clerk finishes? Get a clue!
3. People who are willing to get off their
ass to search the entire room for the damn TV
remote because they refuse to walk to the TV
and change it manually!
4. When people say..."Oh, you just want to
have your cake and eat it, too." Screw that!!!
What good is a damn piece of cake if you can't
eat it? What should I do...eat someone else's
piece of cake instead.
5. When people say..."It's always the last
place you look." No shit!! Why the hell would
you keep looking for it after you've already
found it?? Do people do this?? Who and where
are they??
6. When people say, while watching a movie
.."Did you see that?" No, dumb ass, I paid
$7.50 to come to a theater and stare at the
ceiling up there. What did you come here for??.
7. People who ask, "Can I ask you a question?"
Didn't really give me a choice there, did
ya buddy?
8. When something is "New & Improved," Which
is it? If it's new, there has never been anything
before it. If it's an improvement then there must
have been something before it!
9. When a cop pulls you over and then asks
if you know how fast you were going. "You should
know, asshole. You're the one that pulled me
over!"
Here's the 10TH thing that really bugs
me....
10. Chain letters! Who the hell thinks that
by annoying other people with stupid mail with
no meaning, that they will grant you a wish, or
make your long-lost love fall into your arms.
Bullshit! I'm so sure that by breaking a stupid
chain letter that the computer gods are going to
curse me!! What a crock of shit!!!
By the way, if you send this to 10
people, shit won't happen, and that person you're
in love with won't come crawling to you...so if
you feel this is funny, go on and send it to some
one else, but don't expect one damn thing in return!
Comments
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Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience.
Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five. One to change the bulb, and four more to chase off the Californians who have come up to relate to the experience.
Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A1: None of your damn business!
A2: 50. 50? Yeah, 50! It's in the contract.
Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.
Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, One to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure that nobody else tries to change the bulb at the same time.
Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Both of them.
Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to change the bulb and one not to change it. Note: 1 to change and 1 not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen answer is four. One to change the bulb.
Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Billions and billions.
Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
Q: How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three: One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew a light bulb.
Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number to dial one of their subordinates to actually change it.
Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A ------" consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.
Q: How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it in, and the other to say "Fabulous!"
Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.
Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: One to change the bulb, one to witness, and the third to shoot the witness.
Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. That's a hardware problem.
Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway.
Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment of license fee.
Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.
Q: How many "Real Men" does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: None. "Real Men" aren't afraid of the dark.
A2: None of your damn business!
Q: How many "Real Women" does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. A "Real Woman" would have plenty of real men around to do it.
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. ("That's all right... I'll just sit here in the dark...")
Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. (Hint: they are small enough to fit inside)
Q: How many Polacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike!
Q: How many WASPs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Silly, WASPs don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub.
Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
Q: How many Generals/Politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb, and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
Q: How many med students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him.
Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, but they're really one.
Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's not funny!
Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
Q: How many supply-side economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.
Q: How many does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 10: One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.
Q: How many strong does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 115: One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house.
Q: How many gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.
Q: How many people does it take to throw away a one Watt bulb?
A: Five: A Black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple...
Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turned itself in.
Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifty-one: One to install the new bulb, and fifty to figure what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
Q: How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three: One to screw it in, and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man.
Q: How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. There never *was* any light bulb.
Q: How many federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Sorry, that item was cut from the budget!
Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One-third less than for a regular bulb.
Q: How many Jewish-American Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to get a Tab, and one to call Daddy.
Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What kind of answer did you have in mind?
Q: How many economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: One to change the bulb, and the other to assume the ladder.
Q: How many civil servants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 45: One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.
Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.
Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a cosmos of nothingness.
Q: How many junkies does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Who says it's dark?
Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
Q: How many U.S. Marines does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 50: One to screw in the bulb and 49 to guard him.
Q: How many members of the Impossible Missions Force does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five: While Cinnamon creates a diversion by wearing a skimpy dress, I use a tiny narcotic dart to knock out the fascist dictator and remove his body. Rollin, wearing a plastic mask, masquerades as the dictator long enough for Barney to sneak up to the next floor, drill a hole down into the light fixture, remove the burned-out bulb, and replace it with a new super-high wattage model of his own design. Meanwhile, Willie has driven up to the door in a laundry truck. Just before Rollin's real identity is revealed, we escape to the laundry truck, drive to the airfield, and return to the United States.
Q: How many technical writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it.
Q: How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace a light bulb?
A: Many hands make light work.
Q: How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one. He holds the light bulb and the universe revolves around him.
Seth Croston Barber <kn1ght@cyberis.net>
Last modified: Wed Oct 06 13:29:35 PDT 1999
A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience.
Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five. One to change the bulb, and four more to chase off the Californians who have come up to relate to the experience.
Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A1: None of your damn business!
A2: 50. 50? Yeah, 50! It's in the contract.
Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.
Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, One to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure that nobody else tries to change the bulb at the same time.
Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Both of them.
Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to change the bulb and one not to change it. Note: 1 to change and 1 not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen answer is four. One to change the bulb.
Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Billions and billions.
Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
Q: How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three: One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew a light bulb.
Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number to dial one of their subordinates to actually change it.
Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A ------" consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.
Q: How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it in, and the other to say "Fabulous!"
Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.
Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: One to change the bulb, one to witness, and the third to shoot the witness.
Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. That's a hardware problem.
Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway.
Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment of license fee.
Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.
Q: How many "Real Men" does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: None. "Real Men" aren't afraid of the dark.
A2: None of your damn business!
Q: How many "Real Women" does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. A "Real Woman" would have plenty of real men around to do it.
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. ("That's all right... I'll just sit here in the dark...")
Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. (Hint: they are small enough to fit inside)
Q: How many Polacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike!
Q: How many WASPs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Silly, WASPs don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub.
Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
Q: How many Generals/Politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb, and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
Q: How many med students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him.
Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, but they're really one.
Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's not funny!
Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
Q: How many supply-side economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.
Q: How many does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 10: One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.
Q: How many strong does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 115: One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house.
Q: How many gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.
Q: How many people does it take to throw away a one Watt bulb?
A: Five: A Black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple...
Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turned itself in.
Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifty-one: One to install the new bulb, and fifty to figure what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
Q: How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three: One to screw it in, and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man.
Q: How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. There never *was* any light bulb.
Q: How many federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Sorry, that item was cut from the budget!
Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One-third less than for a regular bulb.
Q: How many Jewish-American Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to get a Tab, and one to call Daddy.
Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What kind of answer did you have in mind?
Q: How many economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: One to change the bulb, and the other to assume the ladder.
Q: How many civil servants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 45: One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.
Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.
Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a cosmos of nothingness.
Q: How many junkies does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Who says it's dark?
Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
Q: How many U.S. Marines does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 50: One to screw in the bulb and 49 to guard him.
Q: How many members of the Impossible Missions Force does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five: While Cinnamon creates a diversion by wearing a skimpy dress, I use a tiny narcotic dart to knock out the fascist dictator and remove his body. Rollin, wearing a plastic mask, masquerades as the dictator long enough for Barney to sneak up to the next floor, drill a hole down into the light fixture, remove the burned-out bulb, and replace it with a new super-high wattage model of his own design. Meanwhile, Willie has driven up to the door in a laundry truck. Just before Rollin's real identity is revealed, we escape to the laundry truck, drive to the airfield, and return to the United States.
Q: How many technical writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it.
Q: How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace a light bulb?
A: Many hands make light work.
Q: How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one. He holds the light bulb and the universe revolves around him.
Seth Croston Barber <kn1ght@cyberis.net>
Last modified: Wed Oct 06 13:29:35 PDT 1999
Next time think it over for a day off!!!!
Employee: Boss can I have the day off tomorrow?
Boss: So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what
you are asking
for:
There are 365 days per year available for work.
There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have
2 days off per
week,
leaving 261 days available for work.
Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you
have used up 170
days, leaving only 91 days available.
You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which
counts for 23 days
each year, leaving only 68 days available.
With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46
days, leaving only
22
days available for work.
You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This
leaves you only
20
days per year available for work.
We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available
working time is down
to
15 days.
We generously give 14 days vacation per year which
leaves only 1 day
available for work and I'll be damned if you are going
to take that day
off !!
Employee: Boss can I have the day off tomorrow?
Boss: So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what
you are asking
for:
There are 365 days per year available for work.
There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have
2 days off per
week,
leaving 261 days available for work.
Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you
have used up 170
days, leaving only 91 days available.
You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which
counts for 23 days
each year, leaving only 68 days available.
With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46
days, leaving only
22
days available for work.
You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This
leaves you only
20
days per year available for work.
We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available
working time is down
to
15 days.
We generously give 14 days vacation per year which
leaves only 1 day
available for work and I'll be damned if you are going
to take that day
off !!
'Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through the shack
Not a creature was stirrin', cept the lice on muh back.
The skoal cans wuz nailed to the screen door with care,
With hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
The children were sleepin', all snug in their beds,
While visions of tractor pulls danced in their heads.
And Ma in her nightgown all stained with pound cake.
Had just settled down to watch Ricki Lake.
When out in the driveway, a loud noise I heard,
I opened the winder to check muh T-bird.
I ran to the door, like I's on a mission,
But I tripped on some parts from muh granny's transmission.
The moon shone outside, the hound dog wuz barkin'.
Muh daughter weren't home yet, she wuz still out parkin'.
When what to muh whiskey blind eyes should I see
But a Chevy S-10, pulled by eight flyin' sheep.
With a fat nasty driver, so disgustin' and sick
I said "Shoot Fire!" That must be St. Nick!
More rapid than X-lax his wooly sheep came
And he belched and he hollered, and he called 'em by name.
Now CLIFFORD! Now VERNON! Now LESTER and ENUS!
On FESTUS! On ELMER! On ROSCOE and CLETUS!
From the top of the shack to them there garbage bins
Now Dash Away! Dash Away! Dash Away youins!
I heard a loud sound on the roof of muh shack.
Pud down muh beer and went fer muh gun rack.
He fell through the roof, plum killed my dog,
I swear that ole' Santa looked just like Boss Hog.
He wore a T-shirt, rebel flag on the front,
And his jeans were all bloody from that morning's hunt.
A big nekkid lady tattooed on his arm,
And he wore black boots that he'd picked up in 'Nam.
His eyes, how they glazed from too much Wild Turkey.
From the side of his mouth hung a stick of beef jerky.
A scar on his cheek from a fight with the cops.
The veins on his face looked ready to pop.
The butt of a Marlboro clung to his lip
He wore a hip pack full of B-B-Q chips.
He had a fat face and a hairy beer belly.
I ain't seen one that big since muh ex-wife Shelly.
He was gap-toothed and dumb with an I.Q. of three
And I laughed cause that redneck was smarter than me.
A wink of his eye, a fierce shake of his head,
From his hair came a rat that ran under the bed.
He reached in his sack, sipped his gin and tonic,
Then filled the kid's stockings with Hooked on Phonics.
His toys came from Big Lots and they weren't very nice
But he had lots of them and yuh can't beat the price.
He gave us a tape of them hound dogs that sing Jingle Bells.
Some Crisco, some Spam, some Oatmeal Cream pies,
And a Nascar T-shirt in Double X size.
When the presents were gone and he had no more,
He staggered and stumbled right through muh screen door.
He hopped in his truck, to his sheep gave an order
"Hurry up youins! To the Tennessee border!"
And I heard him cry out, with a strong southern drawl,
"MERRY CHRISTMAS YOU REDNECKS! MERRY CHRISTMAS Y'ALL!"
YEE HAWWWW!
Not a creature was stirrin', cept the lice on muh back.
The skoal cans wuz nailed to the screen door with care,
With hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
The children were sleepin', all snug in their beds,
While visions of tractor pulls danced in their heads.
And Ma in her nightgown all stained with pound cake.
Had just settled down to watch Ricki Lake.
When out in the driveway, a loud noise I heard,
I opened the winder to check muh T-bird.
I ran to the door, like I's on a mission,
But I tripped on some parts from muh granny's transmission.
The moon shone outside, the hound dog wuz barkin'.
Muh daughter weren't home yet, she wuz still out parkin'.
When what to muh whiskey blind eyes should I see
But a Chevy S-10, pulled by eight flyin' sheep.
With a fat nasty driver, so disgustin' and sick
I said "Shoot Fire!" That must be St. Nick!
More rapid than X-lax his wooly sheep came
And he belched and he hollered, and he called 'em by name.
Now CLIFFORD! Now VERNON! Now LESTER and ENUS!
On FESTUS! On ELMER! On ROSCOE and CLETUS!
From the top of the shack to them there garbage bins
Now Dash Away! Dash Away! Dash Away youins!
I heard a loud sound on the roof of muh shack.
Pud down muh beer and went fer muh gun rack.
He fell through the roof, plum killed my dog,
I swear that ole' Santa looked just like Boss Hog.
He wore a T-shirt, rebel flag on the front,
And his jeans were all bloody from that morning's hunt.
A big nekkid lady tattooed on his arm,
And he wore black boots that he'd picked up in 'Nam.
His eyes, how they glazed from too much Wild Turkey.
From the side of his mouth hung a stick of beef jerky.
A scar on his cheek from a fight with the cops.
The veins on his face looked ready to pop.
The butt of a Marlboro clung to his lip
He wore a hip pack full of B-B-Q chips.
He had a fat face and a hairy beer belly.
I ain't seen one that big since muh ex-wife Shelly.
He was gap-toothed and dumb with an I.Q. of three
And I laughed cause that redneck was smarter than me.
A wink of his eye, a fierce shake of his head,
From his hair came a rat that ran under the bed.
He reached in his sack, sipped his gin and tonic,
Then filled the kid's stockings with Hooked on Phonics.
His toys came from Big Lots and they weren't very nice
But he had lots of them and yuh can't beat the price.
He gave us a tape of them hound dogs that sing Jingle Bells.
Some Crisco, some Spam, some Oatmeal Cream pies,
And a Nascar T-shirt in Double X size.
When the presents were gone and he had no more,
He staggered and stumbled right through muh screen door.
He hopped in his truck, to his sheep gave an order
"Hurry up youins! To the Tennessee border!"
And I heard him cry out, with a strong southern drawl,
"MERRY CHRISTMAS YOU REDNECKS! MERRY CHRISTMAS Y'ALL!"
YEE HAWWWW!
A SECRETARY COMPLAINS ABOUT HER BOSS
She says, "My boss is so sex-crazed.
Everytime he comes into the office, I must do the LAPTOP
position, and then the DESKTOP position, followed by
the SPREADSHEET format.
I must LOAD UP his SOFT DISK into a HARD DISK,
so that he can INSERT in my C DRIVE and then the A DRIVE.
Then he'll ask me to EJECT his SOFTWARE outside my C DRIVE so
that he is VIRUS FREE.
Then he changes his mind and decides to ENTER, ENTER, and ENTER
the whole day till he is in MICROSOFT stage.
Once I tried to ESC (escape) but he caught me and Shifted me to
his HOME
where he started pressing BACKSPACE, and said "TURNOVER"
Today, many a times he works without CAPSLOCK (without "cap" or
"helmet")
and sometimes as an Alternative he CRASHES @ my SYSTEM until he
looses his CTRL (control) and again he LOGS IN...
This process may continue until I SHUT DOWN his MAIN SYSTEM.
"A WISH........ "
As I sat there in english class, I stared at the girl next to me. She
was my so called 'best friend'. I stared at her long, silky hair, and
wished
she was mine. But she didn't notice me like that, and I knew it. After
class, she walked up to me and asked me for the notes she had
missed the day before.I handed them to her. She said 'thanks' and gave
me a
kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I dont
want
to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I
dont know why.
11th grade
The phone rang. On the other end, it was her. She was in tears,
mumbling on
and on about how her love had broke her heart. She asked me to come
over
because she didn't want to be alone, so I did. As I sat next to her on
the
sofa, I stared at her soft eyes, wishing she was mine. After 2 hours,
one
Drew Barrymore movie, and three bags of chips, she decided to go to
sleep.
She looked at me, said 'thanks' and gave me a kiss on the cheak. I want
to
tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I
love
her but I'm just too shy, and I dont know why.
Seinor year
The day before prom she walked to my locker. "My date is sick" she
said, hes
not gonna go" well, I didn't have a date, and in 7th grade, we made a
promise that if neither of us had dates, we would go together-just as
'best
friends'. So we did. Prom night, after everything was over, I was
standing
at her front door step. I stared at her as she she
smiled at me and stared at me with her crystal eyes. I want her to be
mine,
but she doesn't think of me like that, and I know it. Then she said- "I
had
the best time, thanks!" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell
her,
I want her to know that I dont want to be just friends, I love her but
I'm
just too shy, and I don't know why.
A day passed, then a week, then a month.
Before I could blink, it was graduation day. I watched as her perfect
body
floated likean angle up on stage to get her diploma. I wanted her to be
mine- but she didn't notice me like that, and I knew it. Before
everyone went home, she came to me in her smock and hat, and cried as i
hugged her. Then she lifted her head from myshoulder and said- 'you're
my
best friend, thanks' and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell
her, I
want her to know that I dont want to be just friends, I love her but
I'm
just too shy, and I don't know why.
Now I sit in the pews of the church.
That girl is getting married. That girl is getting married now. I
watched
her say 'i do' and drive off to her new life, married to another man. I
wanted her to be mine, but she didn't see me like that, and I knew it.
But
before she drove gtaway, she came to me and said 'you came!'. She said
'thanks' and kissed me on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to
know
that I dont want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy,
and I
don't know why.
Years passed, I looked down at the coffin of a girl
who used to be my 'best friend'. At the service, they read a diary
entry she
had wrote in her high school years. This is what it read:
I stare at him wishing he was mine; but he doesn't notice me like that,
and
I know it. I want to tell him, I want him to know that I don't want to
be
just friends, I love him but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why. I
wish
he would tell me he loved me!
'I wish I did too...' I thought to my self, and i
cried. Do yourself a favor, tell her/him you love
them. they won't be there forever.
_________________________________________________________________________
This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a British
Naval ship and the Irish, off the coast of Kerry, Oct 95. Radio
conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations. 10 - 10 - 95:
IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a
collision.
BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to
avoid a collision.
IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the
South to avoid a collision.
BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British navy ship. I say again, divert
YOUR course.
IRISH: Negative. I say again, You will have to divert your course.
BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITIANNIA. THE SECOND LARGEST
SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE
DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT
YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES
NORTH, OR COUNTER- MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF
THIS SHIP.
IRISH: We are a lighthouse. Your call.
Naval ship and the Irish, off the coast of Kerry, Oct 95. Radio
conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations. 10 - 10 - 95:
IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a
collision.
BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to
avoid a collision.
IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the
South to avoid a collision.
BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British navy ship. I say again, divert
YOUR course.
IRISH: Negative. I say again, You will have to divert your course.
BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITIANNIA. THE SECOND LARGEST
SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE
DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT
YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES
NORTH, OR COUNTER- MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF
THIS SHIP.
IRISH: We are a lighthouse. Your call.
An Israeli doctor said,
"Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a
kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have
him looking for work in six weeks".
A German doctor said, "That's nothing!
In Germany we can take a lung out of one person, put
it in another, and have him looking for work in four
weeks".
A Russian doctor said,
"In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take
half a heart from one person, put it in another, and
have them both looking for work in two weeks".
The American doctor, not to be outdone, said,
"You guys are all the way behind. In my country we
have just taken an idiot out of Texas and put him in
the White House and now half the country is looking
for work!!!"
"Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a
kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have
him looking for work in six weeks".
A German doctor said, "That's nothing!
In Germany we can take a lung out of one person, put
it in another, and have him looking for work in four
weeks".
A Russian doctor said,
"In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take
half a heart from one person, put it in another, and
have them both looking for work in two weeks".
The American doctor, not to be outdone, said,
"You guys are all the way behind. In my country we
have just taken an idiot out of Texas and put him in
the White House and now half the country is looking
for work!!!"
1. Never trust a dog to watch your food.
- Patrick, age 10
2. When your dad is mad and asks you,
"Do I look stupid?" don't answer him.
- Michael, 14
3. Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
- Michael, 14
4. Stay away from prunes.
- Randy, 9
5. Never pee on an electric fence.
- Robert, 13
6. Don't squat with your spurs on.
- Noronha, 13
7. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to.
- Emily, 10
8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let
her brush your hair.
- Taylia, 11
9. Never allow your three-year old brother in
the same room as your school assignment.
- Traci, 14
10. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the
same time.
- Kyoyo, 9
11. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass
of milk.
- Armir, 9
12. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick.
- Lauren, 9
13. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding
a baseball bat.
- Joel, 10
14. When you get a bad grade in school, show it
to your mom when she's on the phone.
- Alyesha, 13
15. Never try to baptize a cat.
- Eileen, 8
- Patrick, age 10
2. When your dad is mad and asks you,
"Do I look stupid?" don't answer him.
- Michael, 14
3. Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
- Michael, 14
4. Stay away from prunes.
- Randy, 9
5. Never pee on an electric fence.
- Robert, 13
6. Don't squat with your spurs on.
- Noronha, 13
7. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to.
- Emily, 10
8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let
her brush your hair.
- Taylia, 11
9. Never allow your three-year old brother in
the same room as your school assignment.
- Traci, 14
10. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the
same time.
- Kyoyo, 9
11. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass
of milk.
- Armir, 9
12. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick.
- Lauren, 9
13. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding
a baseball bat.
- Joel, 10
14. When you get a bad grade in school, show it
to your mom when she's on the phone.
- Alyesha, 13
15. Never try to baptize a cat.
- Eileen, 8
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Why do men like love at first sight? It saves them a lot of time.
A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? Dating children.
>
How do you know if a man is lying? His lips are moving!
>
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be Hell!
How can you tell soap operas are fictional? In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
How does a man show he's planning for the Future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. (my favorite)!!
Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera? Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.
>
Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them.
>
What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted.
>
What did God say after creating man? I can do better.
Husband: Want a quickie? Wife: As opposed to what?
Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism.
What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand? A man's undivided attention.
How is a man like a snowstorm? Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.
What do you call an intelligent man in America? A tourist.
Why do jocks play on artificial turf? To keep them from grazing.
if men got pregnant.... abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows.
Why do men name their penises? Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the
one who makes all their decisions.
Why do men like masturbation? Its sex with someone they love.
Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?
What is a man's view of safe sex? A padded headboard.
Why did God create man? Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
What is a man's idea of foreplay? half hour of begging.
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
What do men and beer have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.
How can you tell if a man is happy? Who cares?
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? Who knows? - did it ever happen??
>
How are men and parking spots alike? The good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly
handicapped or extremely small.
What is a man's idea of doing housework? Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.
What is the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phoned home.
>
Do you know why bankers are good lovers? They know first hand the penalty for early withdrawal.
>
Why are men like laxatives? They can irritate the shit out of you.
Do you know why men have holes in the end of their penises? So oxygen can get into their brains
Why is it good that there are women astronauts? So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask for directions
Why is a woman different from a PC? A woman won't accept a 3½" floppy
Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
>
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common? Men always miss them.
>
Why are men like blenders? You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
What are the words women hate to hear when they are enjoying great sex? "Honey! I'm home!"
>
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.
>
Why do men need instant replays on TV-sports? Because they have forgotten what happened after 30 seconds.
Why did God create man first? Easy, He needed a rough draft.
>
>A man makes love like he drives a car...
>Never checks to see if you come before he pulls out.
>
>What is a husband? It's an attachment you screw to the bed to get shelves
put up.
>
We don't know, we never met a man who cares.
>
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so
dumb?" God says: "So she would love you."
>
>How are boyfriends like cockroaches? They hang around the kitchen and it's hard to get rid
of them.
>
What do you do if your bank account stops working? Divorce him.
>
Which of the following lines will do a better job of frightening a man away?
a) Get away or I'll call the police!!!
b) I love you and want to marry you and have your children.
>
How many male chauvinistic pigs does it take to open a beer can?
>None. The bitch should have had it open when she brought it.
>What's the best way to kill a man? Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
>
>Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes.
>It's our job to stomp them, and then keep them in the
>dark until they mature. And hopefully they'll turn out to be something we
>would like to have dinner with.
>
Q. Why do men prefer the woman to be on top ?
A. Because men always fuck up.
A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? Dating children.
>
How do you know if a man is lying? His lips are moving!
>
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be Hell!
How can you tell soap operas are fictional? In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
How does a man show he's planning for the Future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. (my favorite)!!
Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera? Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.
>
Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them.
>
What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted.
>
What did God say after creating man? I can do better.
Husband: Want a quickie? Wife: As opposed to what?
Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism.
What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand? A man's undivided attention.
How is a man like a snowstorm? Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.
What do you call an intelligent man in America? A tourist.
Why do jocks play on artificial turf? To keep them from grazing.
if men got pregnant.... abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows.
Why do men name their penises? Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the
one who makes all their decisions.
Why do men like masturbation? Its sex with someone they love.
Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?
What is a man's view of safe sex? A padded headboard.
Why did God create man? Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
What is a man's idea of foreplay? half hour of begging.
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
What do men and beer have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.
How can you tell if a man is happy? Who cares?
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? Who knows? - did it ever happen??
>
How are men and parking spots alike? The good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly
handicapped or extremely small.
What is a man's idea of doing housework? Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.
What is the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phoned home.
>
Do you know why bankers are good lovers? They know first hand the penalty for early withdrawal.
>
Why are men like laxatives? They can irritate the shit out of you.
Do you know why men have holes in the end of their penises? So oxygen can get into their brains
Why is it good that there are women astronauts? So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask for directions
Why is a woman different from a PC? A woman won't accept a 3½" floppy
Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
>
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common? Men always miss them.
>
Why are men like blenders? You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
What are the words women hate to hear when they are enjoying great sex? "Honey! I'm home!"
>
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.
>
Why do men need instant replays on TV-sports? Because they have forgotten what happened after 30 seconds.
Why did God create man first? Easy, He needed a rough draft.
>
>A man makes love like he drives a car...
>Never checks to see if you come before he pulls out.
>
>What is a husband? It's an attachment you screw to the bed to get shelves
put up.
>
We don't know, we never met a man who cares.
>
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so
dumb?" God says: "So she would love you."
>
>How are boyfriends like cockroaches? They hang around the kitchen and it's hard to get rid
of them.
>
What do you do if your bank account stops working? Divorce him.
>
Which of the following lines will do a better job of frightening a man away?
a) Get away or I'll call the police!!!
b) I love you and want to marry you and have your children.
>
How many male chauvinistic pigs does it take to open a beer can?
>None. The bitch should have had it open when she brought it.
>What's the best way to kill a man? Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
>
>Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes.
>It's our job to stomp them, and then keep them in the
>dark until they mature. And hopefully they'll turn out to be something we
>would like to have dinner with.
>
Q. Why do men prefer the woman to be on top ?
A. Because men always fuck up.
A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph.
The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him
and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but,
I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it,
because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and
he's a better lover than you."
Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches
his hands on the wheels.
She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and
now is doing 70 mph.
She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving
faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph.
She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the
credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a
bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need right here."
She asks, "What's that?"
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph,
"I've got the airbag!"
The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him
and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but,
I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it,
because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and
he's a better lover than you."
Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches
his hands on the wheels.
She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and
now is doing 70 mph.
She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving
faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph.
She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the
credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a
bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need right here."
She asks, "What's that?"
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph,
"I've got the airbag!"
>
>> It's all in a KISS!!! The body part where you love to kiss most
>>reflects
>> your personality type!
>>
>> Please choose the part you love to kiss most: And be honest!!!!
>>
>> 1) Forehead
>> 2) Eyes
>> 3) Nose
>> 4) Face
>> 5) Ear
>> 6) Lips
>> 7) Neck
>>
>> The following is your personality:
>>
>> Forehead:
>> You have a strong passion for life and at the same time a peaceful
>> nature.Though you are a forgiving person, you demand respect from
>> other people. Your talents are expressed well and you have good
>> interpersonal skills. As such, you have a fulfilling social life and
>> your friends around you will find you to be gentle and
>>understanding.
>>
>> Eyes:
>> You are die-hard Romeo who requires lots of love and you can
>>sacrifice
>> everything for love as well. You express your love in a wild and
>> passionate way. However, you are equally capable of becoming a
>>vicious
>> lover, manipulating your partner to achieve certain selfish goals.
>>
>> Nose:
>> In a relationship, sex is something essential to you! You value
>> friendship,loyalty and you have a strong desire for love and sex.
>>You
>> are playful by nature and you cannot stay long at a place without
>> feeling uneasy. As a result, it is very difficult for you to
>>establish
>> a strong foundation for your career and it is advisable that you do
>> not change your job with no strong reasons.
>>
>> Face:
>> You value peace above all other things and friends are very
>>important
>> to you. You willingly share all your prized possessions with them
>>and
>> you are not easily bothered if you are short-changed. Also, you have
>> a kind heart and you try not to harbor bad thoughts about other
>>people. Maintaining a long lasting and affectionate relationship is
>> your forte.
>>
>> Ear:
>> As a very understanding person, you can accurately guess what is on
>>a
>> person's mind. You posses a disposition to appreciate or share the
>> feelings and thoughts of others. However, you can also be someone
>>who
>> cracks jokes at the expense of others and in wanting to achieve your
>> goals, you can easily sacrifice others. Towards relationships, you
>>are
>> not affected by emotional constraints and is very expressive. Your
>> behavior is 100% congruent with your inner feelings.
>>
>> Lips:
>> You are someone who is governed by a great sense of loyalty. When
>>you
>> kiss someone's lips, you are atcually expressing the hope of having
>> one true love. Always radiating an aura of confidence, you are
>> someone with very strong moral codes.
>>
>> Neck:
>> Flirtatious by nature, you are unlikely to be someone that dreams of
>> everlasting love. Although your passion for things is very strong,
>>it
>> fades away in just a while. Even when you are no longer in love with
>> your partner, you selfishly demand him/her to love you still. You
>>are
>> unlikely to have great ambitions towards your own life and you are
>> not particular about gender roles.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> It's all in a KISS!!! The body part where you love to kiss most
>>reflects
>> your personality type!
>>
>> Please choose the part you love to kiss most: And be honest!!!!
>>
>> 1) Forehead
>> 2) Eyes
>> 3) Nose
>> 4) Face
>> 5) Ear
>> 6) Lips
>> 7) Neck
>>
>> The following is your personality:
>>
>> Forehead:
>> You have a strong passion for life and at the same time a peaceful
>> nature.Though you are a forgiving person, you demand respect from
>> other people. Your talents are expressed well and you have good
>> interpersonal skills. As such, you have a fulfilling social life and
>> your friends around you will find you to be gentle and
>>understanding.
>>
>> Eyes:
>> You are die-hard Romeo who requires lots of love and you can
>>sacrifice
>> everything for love as well. You express your love in a wild and
>> passionate way. However, you are equally capable of becoming a
>>vicious
>> lover, manipulating your partner to achieve certain selfish goals.
>>
>> Nose:
>> In a relationship, sex is something essential to you! You value
>> friendship,loyalty and you have a strong desire for love and sex.
>>You
>> are playful by nature and you cannot stay long at a place without
>> feeling uneasy. As a result, it is very difficult for you to
>>establish
>> a strong foundation for your career and it is advisable that you do
>> not change your job with no strong reasons.
>>
>> Face:
>> You value peace above all other things and friends are very
>>important
>> to you. You willingly share all your prized possessions with them
>>and
>> you are not easily bothered if you are short-changed. Also, you have
>> a kind heart and you try not to harbor bad thoughts about other
>>people. Maintaining a long lasting and affectionate relationship is
>> your forte.
>>
>> Ear:
>> As a very understanding person, you can accurately guess what is on
>>a
>> person's mind. You posses a disposition to appreciate or share the
>> feelings and thoughts of others. However, you can also be someone
>>who
>> cracks jokes at the expense of others and in wanting to achieve your
>> goals, you can easily sacrifice others. Towards relationships, you
>>are
>> not affected by emotional constraints and is very expressive. Your
>> behavior is 100% congruent with your inner feelings.
>>
>> Lips:
>> You are someone who is governed by a great sense of loyalty. When
>>you
>> kiss someone's lips, you are atcually expressing the hope of having
>> one true love. Always radiating an aura of confidence, you are
>> someone with very strong moral codes.
>>
>> Neck:
>> Flirtatious by nature, you are unlikely to be someone that dreams of
>> everlasting love. Although your passion for things is very strong,
>>it
>> fades away in just a while. Even when you are no longer in love with
>> your partner, you selfishly demand him/her to love you still. You
>>are
>> unlikely to have great ambitions towards your own life and you are
>> not particular about gender roles.
>>
>>
>>
>>
An American is having breakfast one morning (coffee, croissants,
bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing gum, sits down
next to him. The American ignores the Frenchman who,
nevertheless, starts a conversation.
French man: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"
American (in a bad mood): "Of course."
French: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we
only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container,
recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the
states." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face. The American
listens in silence.
The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"
American: "Of Course."
Frenchman: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling).
"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we
put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle
them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to the states."
The American then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"
Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.
American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used
them?"
Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."
American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container,
recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to
France."
bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing gum, sits down
next to him. The American ignores the Frenchman who,
nevertheless, starts a conversation.
French man: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"
American (in a bad mood): "Of course."
French: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we
only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container,
recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the
states." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face. The American
listens in silence.
The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"
American: "Of Course."
Frenchman: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling).
"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we
put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle
them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to the states."
The American then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"
Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.
American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used
them?"
Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."
American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container,
recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to
France."
Are you aware of the discovery in the human body of a
nerve that connects the eyeball to the butthole? It is
called the anal optic nerve. It is responsible for
giving people a crappy outlook on life. If you don't
believe me, pull a hair from your butt and see if it
doesn't bring tears to your eyes.
nerve that connects the eyeball to the butthole? It is
called the anal optic nerve. It is responsible for
giving people a crappy outlook on life. If you don't
believe me, pull a hair from your butt and see if it
doesn't bring tears to your eyes.
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Comments
ption 1 "My lover and I can't come to the phone right now but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished."
Option 2 "A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message."
Option 3 "Hi! This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money."
Option 4 "Hi! Now you say something."
Option 5 "Hi! I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep."
Option 6 "Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"
Option 7 "Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner!"
Option 8 "Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. ?Please speak very slowly and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."
Option 9 "Hello! You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their pictures taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."
Option 10 "This is not an answering machine This is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number and your reason for calling, and I'll think about returning your call."
Option 11 "Hi! I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message and if I don't call back, it's you."
Option 12 "Hi! This is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back."
Option 13 "Hi! If you are a burglar, we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message."
Option 14 "Hello! You've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right, real slowly. So leave a message and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you."
These words are lovely dark and deep, but I've got promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep, so leave a message at the beep.
Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I die before I wake, Remember to erase the tape!
Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. So leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my component particles have been restored to their normal charges.
I'm gone.
You have reached 555-6238. Why?
This is you-know-who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what you-know-when.
You have reached 234-1243. This is an answering machine. This is the nineties. You know what to do.
You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep.
This is a boring answering machine message. Leave a message anyway. [Useful to keep people from calling at odd hours to hear your latest exciting message.]
[Classical music in background, slow stoned voice:] Don't you ever wonder what life would be like? ...
So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.
This is 234-3249, and no, it's not Pete's Pizzaria. It's not the Credit Union either, and no one named Pam lives here. You can leave a message though.
Hi. Do you ever feel, like, your head is full of sand, not your regular loose sand mind you, but compacted sand, and there were like, I dunno, bugs or something jumping up and down on the compacted sand? Well, sometimes I do. Bye.
------------------
>Here are five funny phone answering machine messages:
>a). Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone
>right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya
>likes
>doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real
>slowly.
>So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get
>back to you.
>(b). Hi, this is John. If you are the phone company, I've already
>sent
>the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my
>financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you
>are
>my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I
>have
>plenty of money.
>(c). Hi, I'm probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
>Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
>(d). Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain
>silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
>(e). (Sexy female voice with heavy panting).. Hi, you've reached
>555-3456.
>John is in... (Sigh) Oh no, he's out... (aah) Yes, he's in
>again...(ooh)
>No he's out... (aah) Why don't you just leave your name and number
>and
>he'll call you as soon as he... comes.
Option 2 "A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message."
Option 3 "Hi! This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money."
Option 4 "Hi! Now you say something."
Option 5 "Hi! I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep."
Option 6 "Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"
Option 7 "Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner!"
Option 8 "Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. ?Please speak very slowly and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."
Option 9 "Hello! You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their pictures taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."
Option 10 "This is not an answering machine This is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number and your reason for calling, and I'll think about returning your call."
Option 11 "Hi! I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message and if I don't call back, it's you."
Option 12 "Hi! This is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back."
Option 13 "Hi! If you are a burglar, we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message."
Option 14 "Hello! You've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right, real slowly. So leave a message and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you."
These words are lovely dark and deep, but I've got promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep, so leave a message at the beep.
Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I die before I wake, Remember to erase the tape!
Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. So leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my component particles have been restored to their normal charges.
I'm gone.
You have reached 555-6238. Why?
This is you-know-who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what you-know-when.
You have reached 234-1243. This is an answering machine. This is the nineties. You know what to do.
You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep.
This is a boring answering machine message. Leave a message anyway. [Useful to keep people from calling at odd hours to hear your latest exciting message.]
[Classical music in background, slow stoned voice:] Don't you ever wonder what life would be like? ...
So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.
This is 234-3249, and no, it's not Pete's Pizzaria. It's not the Credit Union either, and no one named Pam lives here. You can leave a message though.
Hi. Do you ever feel, like, your head is full of sand, not your regular loose sand mind you, but compacted sand, and there were like, I dunno, bugs or something jumping up and down on the compacted sand? Well, sometimes I do. Bye.
------------------
>Here are five funny phone answering machine messages:
>a). Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone
>right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya
>likes
>doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real
>slowly.
>So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get
>back to you.
>(b). Hi, this is John. If you are the phone company, I've already
>sent
>the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my
>financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you
>are
>my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I
>have
>plenty of money.
>(c). Hi, I'm probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
>Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
>(d). Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain
>silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
>(e). (Sexy female voice with heavy panting).. Hi, you've reached
>555-3456.
>John is in... (Sigh) Oh no, he's out... (aah) Yes, he's in
>again...(ooh)
>No he's out... (aah) Why don't you just leave your name and number
>and
>he'll call you as soon as he... comes.
On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 lunar module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon. His first words after stepping on the moon, "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind," were televised to earth and heard by millions. But just before he re-entered the lunar module, he made the enigmatic remark,"Good luck, Mr. Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had died, so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question. In 1938, when he was a kid in a small Midwest town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit the ball, which landed in his neighbor's yard by the bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs.Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs.Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Sex! You want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
A very beautiful woman was walking on the roof of a building
and she suddenly trips over something and falls down.
On her way falling down, an American man catches her,
she says: "Oh thank you, you saved my life, I'll do ANYTHING for you..."
The man says: "Okay then, sleep with me."
She says: "You PIG!! NEVER!!"
So he says: "FINE!"
and he drops her down....
So she's falling and screaming...
Suddenly, a German man catches her in the air from his balcony,
she says: "Oh thank you, you saved me, I'll do anything that you
ask..."
The guy says: "Fraulein, sleep with me."
She replies: "Oh you nasty pig!!! NEVER!"
So the man says: "Fine!!!"
...And he also drops her down again. She's falling and thinking that it was
better if she slept with one of those men and now she's going to die.
Suddenly, a Muslim man catches the woman from his balcony, she says :
"Oh thank you, you saved my life, I'll SLEEP with you!!"
The Muslim man replies "Astakhforillah!"
...And he drops her!
and she suddenly trips over something and falls down.
On her way falling down, an American man catches her,
she says: "Oh thank you, you saved my life, I'll do ANYTHING for you..."
The man says: "Okay then, sleep with me."
She says: "You PIG!! NEVER!!"
So he says: "FINE!"
and he drops her down....
So she's falling and screaming...
Suddenly, a German man catches her in the air from his balcony,
she says: "Oh thank you, you saved me, I'll do anything that you
ask..."
The guy says: "Fraulein, sleep with me."
She replies: "Oh you nasty pig!!! NEVER!"
So the man says: "Fine!!!"
...And he also drops her down again. She's falling and thinking that it was
better if she slept with one of those men and now she's going to die.
Suddenly, a Muslim man catches the woman from his balcony, she says :
"Oh thank you, you saved my life, I'll SLEEP with you!!"
The Muslim man replies "Astakhforillah!"
...And he drops her!
AT THE BEEP..."
>
> Actual Answering Machine Messages Recorded and
> Verified By The World
> Famous
> International Institute of Answering Machine Messages:
>
> 10. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now,
> but if you'll
> leave
> your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as
> we're finished.
>
> 9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable
> of receiving
> messages.
> My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub,
> and their carpets
> are
> clean. They give to charity at the office and don't
> need their picture
> taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and
> home phone number
> and
> they will get back to you.
>
> 8. This is not an answering machine - this is a
> telepathic
> thought-recording
> device. After the tone, think about your name, your
> number, and your
> reason
> for calling.... and I'll think about returning your
> call.
>
> 7. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his
> refrigerator.
> Please
> speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to
> myself with one of
> these
> magnets.
>
> 6. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I
> already sent the
> money.
> If you are my parents, please send money. If you are
> my bank, you
> didn't
> lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe
> me money. If you
> are a
> female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money.
>
> 5. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those
> reasons is why we're
> not
> here. So, leave a message.
>
> 4. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon.
> If you leave a
> "sexy"
> message, I'll call sooner.
>
> 3. Hi. Now YOU say something.
>
> 2. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I
> don't like. Leave
> me a
> message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
>
> And the Number 1 Actual Answering Machine Message
> Recorded and Verified
> by
> The World Famous International Institute of Answering
> Machine Messages.
>
> 1. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick
> up the phone
> right
> now, because we're doing something we really enjoy.
> Sonya likes doing
> it up
> and down, and I like doing it left to right... real
> slowly. So leave a
> message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll
> call you back.
>
> Actual Answering Machine Messages Recorded and
> Verified By The World
> Famous
> International Institute of Answering Machine Messages:
>
> 10. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now,
> but if you'll
> leave
> your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as
> we're finished.
>
> 9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable
> of receiving
> messages.
> My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub,
> and their carpets
> are
> clean. They give to charity at the office and don't
> need their picture
> taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and
> home phone number
> and
> they will get back to you.
>
> 8. This is not an answering machine - this is a
> telepathic
> thought-recording
> device. After the tone, think about your name, your
> number, and your
> reason
> for calling.... and I'll think about returning your
> call.
>
> 7. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his
> refrigerator.
> Please
> speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to
> myself with one of
> these
> magnets.
>
> 6. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I
> already sent the
> money.
> If you are my parents, please send money. If you are
> my bank, you
> didn't
> lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe
> me money. If you
> are a
> female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money.
>
> 5. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those
> reasons is why we're
> not
> here. So, leave a message.
>
> 4. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon.
> If you leave a
> "sexy"
> message, I'll call sooner.
>
> 3. Hi. Now YOU say something.
>
> 2. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I
> don't like. Leave
> me a
> message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
>
> And the Number 1 Actual Answering Machine Message
> Recorded and Verified
> by
> The World Famous International Institute of Answering
> Machine Messages.
>
> 1. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick
> up the phone
> right
> now, because we're doing something we really enjoy.
> Sonya likes doing
> it up
> and down, and I like doing it left to right... real
> slowly. So leave a
> message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll
> call you back.
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I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
"Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restrooms at a rest
stop but, I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat
embarrassedly: "Doin Just Fine!"
And the other guy says: "So what are you up too?"
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too
bizarre so I say: "Uhhh I'm like you, just traveling east!"
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear
another question.
Can I come over to your place after while?
Ok, this question is just wacky but I figured I could just be polite and end
the conversation.
I tell him, "Well, I have company over so today is a bad day for me!"
Then I hear the guy say nervously...
"LISTEN!!! I'll have to call you back, there's an idiot in the other stall
who keeps answering all my questions.
"Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restrooms at a rest
stop but, I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat
embarrassedly: "Doin Just Fine!"
And the other guy says: "So what are you up too?"
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too
bizarre so I say: "Uhhh I'm like you, just traveling east!"
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear
another question.
Can I come over to your place after while?
Ok, this question is just wacky but I figured I could just be polite and end
the conversation.
I tell him, "Well, I have company over so today is a bad day for me!"
Then I hear the guy say nervously...
"LISTEN!!! I'll have to call you back, there's an idiot in the other stall
who keeps answering all my questions.
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second Mom, Ann, "Your obsession is with money. Again it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." He turns to the third Mom, Joyce, "Your obsession is alcohol. This, too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy." At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on Dick, we're leaving."
> > Subject: YOU ARE AN IRANIAN, IF ...
>
>
> > * If your mother messes up your marriage.
> > * If you are a car salesman and at the same time a singer.
> > * If you talk behind your wife's back with your mother.
> > * If you dress up to go to grocery store.
> > * If you go to concert, but you never see the singer and stay in the
> > hallways with your drink and check out girls.
> > * If you never wear your wedding ring.
> > * If you smoke 5 packs a day and tell everyone you don't smoke.
> > * If you pronounce "Sure", "SHOOR".
> > * If your favorite drink is Vodka.
> > * If you are about 35 and have no hair on your head.
> > * If you watch Iranian program on TV, but always nag for bad programming.
> > * If you are good in playing backgammon and chess but can't do your taxes.
> > * If you pronounce "gas station", "gas esstation".
> > * If you ask someone to marry and they want to know if you own a house.
> > * If you claim you are Italian.
> > * If you divorce your wife but still don't let her date anyone else.
> > * If your wife divorces you, but still goes shopping with your sister.
> > * If you used to be a brain surgeon in Iran butnow you work in a
> > chelokababy.
> > * If you carry 3 pagers and 2 cellular phone and no one ever calls you.
> > * If you claim your dad was a very good friend of SHAH.
> > * If you don't own a house and have no job, but still can afford a BMW.
> > * If you have to shave more than once a day.
> > * If you were a 4 star general in Iran and now drive a cab in Washington
> > D.C.
> > * If your in-laws come to visit and they never leave.
>
>
>
>
> > * If your mother messes up your marriage.
> > * If you are a car salesman and at the same time a singer.
> > * If you talk behind your wife's back with your mother.
> > * If you dress up to go to grocery store.
> > * If you go to concert, but you never see the singer and stay in the
> > hallways with your drink and check out girls.
> > * If you never wear your wedding ring.
> > * If you smoke 5 packs a day and tell everyone you don't smoke.
> > * If you pronounce "Sure", "SHOOR".
> > * If your favorite drink is Vodka.
> > * If you are about 35 and have no hair on your head.
> > * If you watch Iranian program on TV, but always nag for bad programming.
> > * If you are good in playing backgammon and chess but can't do your taxes.
> > * If you pronounce "gas station", "gas esstation".
> > * If you ask someone to marry and they want to know if you own a house.
> > * If you claim you are Italian.
> > * If you divorce your wife but still don't let her date anyone else.
> > * If your wife divorces you, but still goes shopping with your sister.
> > * If you used to be a brain surgeon in Iran butnow you work in a
> > chelokababy.
> > * If you carry 3 pagers and 2 cellular phone and no one ever calls you.
> > * If you claim your dad was a very good friend of SHAH.
> > * If you don't own a house and have no job, but still can afford a BMW.
> > * If you have to shave more than once a day.
> > * If you were a 4 star general in Iran and now drive a cab in Washington
> > D.C.
> > * If your in-laws come to visit and they never leave.
>
>
1. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
2. Don’t bother me. I’m living happily ever after.
3. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
4. You! Off my planet!
5. Therapy is expensive, poppin’ bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
6. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
7. Bottomless pit of needs & wants.
8. I like cats, too. Let’s exchange recipes.
9. Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way!
10. If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I’ll put shoes on my cat.
11. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
12. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
13. I’m not crazy, I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
14. If only you’d use your powers for good instead of evil...
15. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
16. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
17. Allow me to introduce my selves.
18. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
19. Whisper my favorite words: “I’ll buy it for you.”
20. Better living through denial.
21. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
22. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
23. Adult child of alien invaders.
24. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
25. I’m just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
26. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
27. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
28. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
29. Back off! You’re standing in my aura.
30. I can’t remember if I’m the good twin or the evil one.
31. Don’t worry. I forgot your name, too!
32. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
33. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #2?
34. Macho Law forbids me from admitting I’m wrong.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
37. Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.
38. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
39. Everyone thinks I’m psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
40. Earth is full. Go home.
41. Is it time for your medication or mine?
42. I plead contemporary insanity.
43. And which dwarf are you?
44. I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
45. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
46. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
47. Meandering to a different drummer.
48. I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
49. I majored in Liberal Arts. Will that be for here or to go?
2. Don’t bother me. I’m living happily ever after.
3. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
4. You! Off my planet!
5. Therapy is expensive, poppin’ bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
6. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
7. Bottomless pit of needs & wants.
8. I like cats, too. Let’s exchange recipes.
9. Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way!
10. If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I’ll put shoes on my cat.
11. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
12. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
13. I’m not crazy, I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
14. If only you’d use your powers for good instead of evil...
15. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
16. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
17. Allow me to introduce my selves.
18. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
19. Whisper my favorite words: “I’ll buy it for you.”
20. Better living through denial.
21. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
22. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
23. Adult child of alien invaders.
24. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
25. I’m just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
26. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
27. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
28. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
29. Back off! You’re standing in my aura.
30. I can’t remember if I’m the good twin or the evil one.
31. Don’t worry. I forgot your name, too!
32. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
33. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #2?
34. Macho Law forbids me from admitting I’m wrong.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
37. Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.
38. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
39. Everyone thinks I’m psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
40. Earth is full. Go home.
41. Is it time for your medication or mine?
42. I plead contemporary insanity.
43. And which dwarf are you?
44. I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
45. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
46. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
47. Meandering to a different drummer.
48. I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
49. I majored in Liberal Arts. Will that be for here or to go?
Best Country-Western Song Titles of All-Time...
1. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In Bed
2. Get Your Tongue Otta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing
You Goodbye
3. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
4. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
5. Can't Get Over You, So Why Don't You Get Under Me?
6. Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
7. Got In At 2 With a 10, And Woke Up At 10 With a 2.
8. Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except For Mine
9. Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl,
But The Car Don't Run, So I Figure We Got An Even Deal
10. Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
11. Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
12. Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
13. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid
She'd Win
14. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonite
15. I'm So miserable Without You, It's Like Having You
Here
16. I've Got Tears in My Ears From Lying On My Back
While I Cry Over You
17. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number
Two On You
18. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By
Now
19. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
20. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love
Jesus
21. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do
Miss Him
22. Please Bypass this Heart
23. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger
24. You're the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly (My
favorite)
And here are worst titles!
All I Want From You (Is Away)
Written by Bobby Harden (ASCAP)
All My Exes Live In Texas
All the Guys that Turn Me On Turn Me Down
Written by Gene Plott, Harold Powell & Roni Stoneman (BMI) (courtesy of "Narkspud")
Am I Double Parked by the Curbstone of Your Heart? (courtesy of Michael)
Double Parked Heart by Jim Pollock (BMI) (Could this be the same song?)
Are You Drinkin With Me Jesus? (courtesy of Sylvester)
by Mojo Nixon, Country Dick Montana, Peter & Louise Berryman (BMI)
According to Sylvester, the song contains the truly touching lyrics:
"Does your head pound Jesus as hung over you do rise....how does paradise look Jesus, through holy bloodshot eyes...
Should we take a cab home Jesus...aw man we can hoof it from here...
I know you can walk on the water but can you walk on this much beer?"
Are You on the Top 40 of the Lord? (courtesy of Joel)
At the Gas Station of Love, I Got the Self Service Pump (courtesy of Barry)
Apparently this is from a Weird Al Yankovic song, "One More Minute." But it sounds like a country title, so I'll keep it!
Billy Broke My Heart at Walgreens and I Cried All the Way to Sears (courtesy of Jim)
Bubba Shot The Jukebox
Bubba's Inconvenience Store
by Bett Butler (BMI)
Come out of the Wheatfield Nellie, You're Going Against the Grain (courtesy of Louis)
Apparently heard in Liverpool, 30 years ago. Wasn't there anything better to listen to in Liverpool 30 years ago???
Cow Cow Blues Written by Charles "Cow Cow" Davenport (ACAP), and recorded by Bing Crosby, among others.
Not a country song at all, as it turns out, but I've left it on the list because of the title's similarity to...
Cow Cow Boogie (Moo Moo My Love)
This one's been performed by everyone from The Judds to Mel Torme, according to ASCAP. Also not to be confused with...
Cow Cow Strut
by Barbara Chamberlin (SOCAN)
Did I Shave my Legs for This? by Deana Carter (courtesy of Scott)
Don't Believe My Heart Can Stand Another You.
by Tanya Tucker (BMI)
Don't Chop Any Wood Mother, I'm Comin' in With a Load! (courtesy of Garnet)
Don't Come Home a-Drinkin' With Lovin' on Yo-mind
by Loretta Lynn (BMI) (courtesy of Hamp)
Don't Give Me A Plastic Saddle 'Cuz I Want To Feel That Leather When I Ride (courtesy of Diane)
Don't Squeeze My Sharmon. (Yes, that IS the correct spelling)
Written by Carl Belew & Van Givens (BMI)
Don't Strike A Match (To The Book Of Love)
Written by Pat Alger & Hal Ketchum (BMI)
Drop Kick Me Jesus (Through The Goal Posts Of Life.)
Written by Paul Charles Craft
Four on the Floor and a Fifth Under the Seat
Written by Rex Pearce (BMI) (courtesy of Rick)
Get Off the Table, Mabel (The Two Dollars is for the Beer)
by Bull Moose Jackson
Get Your Biscuits In The Oven, And Your Buns In The Bed.
Written by Richard Friedman (BMI)
Git Up Off'n the Floor Hannah (a Bitter New Year's Eve)
by Red Ingle and the Natural Seven, Written by Foster Carling & Joe Washburne (ASCAP) (courtesy of "Narkspud")
Going to Hell in Your Heavenly Arms
by the Austin Lounge Lizards (ASCAP)
Guess My Eyes Were Bigger Than My Heart.
Written by Liz Anderson (BMI)
Hand me the Pool Cue and Call Yourself an Ambulance (courtesy of Tom, who isn't sure it's a real song)
Her Only Bad Habit Is Me
Believe it or not, three songs with this title in the BMI database.
Here's A Quarter (Call Someone Who Cares)
by Travis Tritt - "It's All About to Change" (several folks submitted this one)
High Cost of Low Living
by John Steele & James Sloane (ASCAP)
Hold On To Your Men..Cause she's Single Again (courtesy of Susan)
How Can I Get Over You if You Won't Get Out from Under Me? (courtesy of Dan)
How Can I Get Over You Till You Get Out from Under Him? (alternate title courtesy of Mike)
How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?
Written by Leonard Linnehan & Louis Philip Perry (ASCAP) (courtesy of Charles)
But there are a half-dozen songs with this title in the BMI database!
How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You, When You Know I've Been A Liar All My Life?
According to Murphy, this song was written for the film Royal Wedding starring Fred Astaire, and was a novelty dance number.
This is confirmed by Esther, who remembers hearing the song as a little girl in the 1930s and 40s. She thinks it may have originated in Vaudeville.
How Come Your Dog Don't Bite Nobody But Me?
by Mel Tillis (BMI)
How Did You Get so Ugly Overnight? (courtesy of Mark, who's not sure it's a real song either)
I Bought the Shoes that Just Walked Out on Me
2 songs with this title in the BMI database (courtesy of Rick)
I Can't Pass the Bar, and There's One on my Way Home (courtesy of Rick)
I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life (courtesy of Charles)
I Don't Care if it Rains or Freezes 'Long as I Have My Plastic Jesus Sittin' on the Dashboard of my Car
a.k.a. "Plastic Jesus" by Ernie Marrs (courtesy of Bill)
I Don't Do Floors
by Don Cook & Charles Victor Rains (ASCAP)
I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
by Thom Sharpe (courtesy of Gail, who tells me he wrote a number of comedy songs)
I Fell for Her, She Fell for Him, and He Fell for Me (courtesy of "Narkspud")
I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me (courtesy of Charles)
I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart
Written by Jack Clement (BMI) (courtesy of Charles)
I Gave Her My Heart And A Diamond And She Clubbed Me With A Spade (courtesy of Bruce)
I Gave Her the Ring, and She Gave Me the Finger (courtesy of Maureen)
I Got Tears In My Ears From Lying On My Bed Crying On My Pillow Over You.
According to ASCAP, the acutal title is simply, "Tears In My Ears"
I Got the Hungries for Your Love, and I'm Waitin In Your Welfare Line (courtesy of John)
I Got Through Everything But The Door
I Guess I Had Your Leavin' Coming
by Vern Gosdin (ASCAP)
I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
Written by Byron Gallimore, Don Pfrimmer & William Shore (BMI) (courtesy of Charles)
I May Be Used, But Baby I Ain't Used Up
I Only Miss You On The Days That End In " Y " (courtesy of Frank)
I Sat Down On A Beartrap (Just This Morning)
I Sent Her Artifical Flowers For Her Artificial Love
There are 4 songs called "Artificial Flowers" in the BMI database (courtesy of Jerry)
I Still Miss You Baby... But My Aim is Getting Better (courtesy of Eric)
I Want a Beer as Cold as My Ex-Wife's Heart (courtesy of Dan)
I Wanted You To Leave Until You Left Me.
I Wanna Whip Your Cow (courtesy of Charles)
I Was Looking Back to See If You Were Looking Back to See If I Was Looking Back to See if You Were Looking Back at Me
According to Sean, this may be "I Looked Back" by Jimmy Eaton & Larry Wagner, recorded by Perry Como.
If that's the case, I think we can safely move it out of the "country" category!
On the other hand, according to Steve, it was a duet performed by Buck Owens and Susan Raye in the 1960s, called "Looking Back to See,"
which would move it right back into the "country" category.
I Went Back to My Fourth Wife for the Third Time and Gave Her a Second Chance to Make a First Class Fool Out of Me
by Rev.Billy C. Wirtz (courtesy of Zev)
I Wish I Were A Lesbian
by Loudon Wainwright III (ASCAP)
I Wish I Were A Woman (So I Could Go Out With A Guy Like Me) (courtesy of Mick)
I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck! (courtesy of Charles)
I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win (courtesy of Charles)
I'd Rather Hear A Fat Girl Fart Than A Pretty Boy Sing (courtesy of Mike)
I'd Rather Pass a Kidney Stone than Another Night With You
If Fingerprints Showed Up On Skin, Wonder Whose I'd Find On You.
by Freddie Hart (BMI)
If I Ain't Got It, You Don't Need It.
Two songs with this title in the BMI database
If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You (courtesy of Charles)
If I'd Killed You When I Wanted To, I'd be Out of Jail By Now (courtesy of Tom)
by Reuben Darnell
If I Had It To Do All Over Again, I'd Do It All Over You
by Dan Hicks and his Hot Licks (courtesy of Peter)
If I Had My Life to Live Over, I'd Live Over a Delicatessen (courtesy of Mike)
If I Were In Your Shoes, I'd Walk Right Back To Me
Five songs in the BMI database caleed "If I Were In Your e for the Roundhouse Nellie (He Can't Corner You There)
by Zeke Masters and his Band, Written by Julian Kay & Zeke Manners (ASCAP) (courtesy of "Narkspud")
Saddle Up the Stove Ma, I'm Riding the Range Tonight (courtesy of Garnet)
She Broke My Heart, I Broke Her Jaw (courtesy of Katrina)
by Rick Stanley.
She Can Put Her Shoes Under My Bed Anytime
by Johnny Duncan (courtesy of Bill)
She Feels Like A New Man Tonight.
Five songs with this title in the BMI database.
She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft
by Jerry Reed (courtesy of Charles)
She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger (courtesy of Charles)
She Looks Good Through the Bottom of My Shot Glass (courtesy of Marc)
She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart (courtesy of Charles)
She Offered Her Honor, He Honored Her Offer, and All Through the Night It Was Honor and Offer
by Sligo Studio Band, written by Robert Bivens (BMI) (courtesy of "Narkspud")
She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy
Written by Jim Collins & Paul Overstreet (BMI)
She Walked Across My Heart Like It Was Texas (courtesy of James)
She's Actin' Single..... I'm Drinkin' Doubles
by Gary Stewart (BMI).
She's Got the Rhythm (And I Got the Blues)
Slap 'Er Down Again Paw
by Arthur Godfrey (courtesy of "Narkspud")
Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone
by Roy Clark (BMI)
Thanks To The Cathouse, I'm In The Doghouse With You
Written by Max Barnes, Frank Saulino & James Valentini (BMI)
The Alcohall of Fame
by Wayne Kemp - from the album of the same name.
The Bridge Washed Out and I Can't Swim and My Baby's On the Other Side
The Last Word in Lonesome is Me
The Man That Came Between Us (Was Me)
The Old Home Fill 'er Up and Keep On Truckin' Cafe"
by C. W. McCall (courtesy of "Narkspud")
The Pint Of No Return.
There Ain't Enough Room in my Fruit Of The Looms to Hold All My Lovin' For You (courtesy of Atley)
There's A Tear In My Beer
by Hank Williams
They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out (courtesy of Charles)
This Good Girl's Gonna Go Bad
by Tammy Wynette(courtesy of Bill)
This White Circle on My Finger Means We're Through
by Kitty Wells (courtesy of Bill)
Tight Fittin' Jeans
Two songs in the BMI database with this title.
Timber... I'm Fallin In Love (courtesy of Kathy)
by Patty Loveless. Written by "Kostas" (BMI)
Trainwreck Of Emotion
Written by Allen Kohnhurst & Jonathan Vezner (ASCAP)
Up Against the Wall, Redneck Mother
by Jerry Jeff Walker "Great Gonzos" (courtesy of Ed) Also recorded by Willie Nelson, written by Ray Hubbard (ASCAP)
Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart (courtesy of Charles)
Did find a song in the BMI database called "Velcro Heart"
Waitin' In Your Welfare Line
by Buck Owens (BMI)
Walk Out Backwards Slowly So I'll Think You're Walking In
Four songs in the BMI database called "Walk Out Backwards"
Warm Beer and Cold Kisses
by Stallins & Crowe (BMI)
Warm Beer Cold Women
by Tom Waits (ASCAP) Wouldn'Grass?
by Buck Owens (BMI)
Who's Gonna Take The Garbage Out When I'm Dead And Gone?
Who's Makin' Time with the Time Keeper's Daughter, when the Time Keeper's Keepin' Time? (courtesy of Steve)
Whose Bed Have Your Boots Been Under?
by Shania Twain & Mutt Lange (ASCAP)
Why Have You Left the One You Left Me For?
by Crystal Gayle, also recorded by Ronnie Milsap (courtesy of the Johnson family)
Why Don't We Get Drunk and Screw
by Jimmy Buffett "All the Great Hits" (courtesy of Karen, James & Ed)
Would Jesus Wear A Rolex On His Television Show?
by Ray Stevens, Written by Chet Atkins & Margaret Archer (BMI)
Yard Sale (12 exciting songs share this title in the BMI database)
You Ain't Much Fun Since I Quit Drinkin'
by Toby Keith (BMI) (courtesy of Chili)
You Ain't Woman Enough To Take My Man
by Loretta Lynn (courtesy of Bill)
You Ain't Nothin' But a Hound Dog ('s Leavins') (courtesy of Jim)
You can Lock Me Up in Jail & Throw Away the Key, But You Can't Keep My Face from Breaking Out
by Randy Scruggs (courtesy of Dave )
You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too.
You Can't Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd
by Roger Miller (BMI)
You Changed Your Name From Brown to Jones, and Mine From Brown to Blue
Apparently by a British spoof country singer, "Hank Wangford." Courtesy of Jan from Essex.
You Done Stomped On my Heart (and You Mashed That Sucker Flat)
According to multiple emails, this was written by Mason Williams (yes, the "Classical Gas" guy) and recorded by various artists including John Denver.
"You done stomped on my heart and mashed that sucker flat, you just sorta, stomped on my aorta.
You started going out with guys, I felt us drift apart, and every step you took, was a stomp right on my heart."
You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Banister Of Life (courtesy of Charles)
You'd think my Bed was a Bus Stop, the Way You Come and Go (several submissions)
Your Negligee Has Turned To Flannel Nightgowns.
You're The Hangnail In My Life, And I Can't Bite You Off
by Hoyt Axton, Written by Woody Bowles (BMI)(courtesy of Eli)
You're a Hard Dog To Keep Under The Porch
by Gail Davies (BMI) (courtesy of Susan)
You're Going To Ruin My Bad Reputation
Could this be "My Bad Reputation" by Woody Guthrie?
You're Out Of Step (With The Beat Of My Heart)
You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly (courtesy of Charles, with more info from Ray))
By Lola Jean Dillon & L.E. White (BMI) Apparently also recorded by Loretta Lynn & Conway Twitty
You're The Ring Around My Bathtub, You're The Hangnail Of My Life
You've Already Put Big Old Tears In My Eyes, Must You Throw Dirt In My Face?
by The Louvin Brothers (courtesy of Art)
You've Got Sawdust On The Floor Of Your Heart
by Sneezy Waters (courtesy of Paul)
80 Proof Bottle of Tear Stopper
800 Pound Jesus
by Sawyer Brown. Written by Billy Maddox & Paul Thorn (BMI)
1. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In Bed
2. Get Your Tongue Otta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing
You Goodbye
3. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
4. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
5. Can't Get Over You, So Why Don't You Get Under Me?
6. Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
7. Got In At 2 With a 10, And Woke Up At 10 With a 2.
8. Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except For Mine
9. Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl,
But The Car Don't Run, So I Figure We Got An Even Deal
10. Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
11. Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
12. Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
13. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid
She'd Win
14. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonite
15. I'm So miserable Without You, It's Like Having You
Here
16. I've Got Tears in My Ears From Lying On My Back
While I Cry Over You
17. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number
Two On You
18. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By
Now
19. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
20. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love
Jesus
21. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do
Miss Him
22. Please Bypass this Heart
23. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger
24. You're the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly (My
favorite)
And here are worst titles!
All I Want From You (Is Away)
Written by Bobby Harden (ASCAP)
All My Exes Live In Texas
All the Guys that Turn Me On Turn Me Down
Written by Gene Plott, Harold Powell & Roni Stoneman (BMI) (courtesy of "Narkspud")
Am I Double Parked by the Curbstone of Your Heart? (courtesy of Michael)
Double Parked Heart by Jim Pollock (BMI) (Could this be the same song?)
Are You Drinkin With Me Jesus? (courtesy of Sylvester)
by Mojo Nixon, Country Dick Montana, Peter & Louise Berryman (BMI)
According to Sylvester, the song contains the truly touching lyrics:
"Does your head pound Jesus as hung over you do rise....how does paradise look Jesus, through holy bloodshot eyes...
Should we take a cab home Jesus...aw man we can hoof it from here...
I know you can walk on the water but can you walk on this much beer?"
Are You on the Top 40 of the Lord? (courtesy of Joel)
At the Gas Station of Love, I Got the Self Service Pump (courtesy of Barry)
Apparently this is from a Weird Al Yankovic song, "One More Minute." But it sounds like a country title, so I'll keep it!
Billy Broke My Heart at Walgreens and I Cried All the Way to Sears (courtesy of Jim)
Bubba Shot The Jukebox
Bubba's Inconvenience Store
by Bett Butler (BMI)
Come out of the Wheatfield Nellie, You're Going Against the Grain (courtesy of Louis)
Apparently heard in Liverpool, 30 years ago. Wasn't there anything better to listen to in Liverpool 30 years ago???
Cow Cow Blues Written by Charles "Cow Cow" Davenport (ACAP), and recorded by Bing Crosby, among others.
Not a country song at all, as it turns out, but I've left it on the list because of the title's similarity to...
Cow Cow Boogie (Moo Moo My Love)
This one's been performed by everyone from The Judds to Mel Torme, according to ASCAP. Also not to be confused with...
Cow Cow Strut
by Barbara Chamberlin (SOCAN)
Did I Shave my Legs for This? by Deana Carter (courtesy of Scott)
Don't Believe My Heart Can Stand Another You.
by Tanya Tucker (BMI)
Don't Chop Any Wood Mother, I'm Comin' in With a Load! (courtesy of Garnet)
Don't Come Home a-Drinkin' With Lovin' on Yo-mind
by Loretta Lynn (BMI) (courtesy of Hamp)
Don't Give Me A Plastic Saddle 'Cuz I Want To Feel That Leather When I Ride (courtesy of Diane)
Don't Squeeze My Sharmon. (Yes, that IS the correct spelling)
Written by Carl Belew & Van Givens (BMI)
Don't Strike A Match (To The Book Of Love)
Written by Pat Alger & Hal Ketchum (BMI)
Drop Kick Me Jesus (Through The Goal Posts Of Life.)
Written by Paul Charles Craft
Four on the Floor and a Fifth Under the Seat
Written by Rex Pearce (BMI) (courtesy of Rick)
Get Off the Table, Mabel (The Two Dollars is for the Beer)
by Bull Moose Jackson
Get Your Biscuits In The Oven, And Your Buns In The Bed.
Written by Richard Friedman (BMI)
Git Up Off'n the Floor Hannah (a Bitter New Year's Eve)
by Red Ingle and the Natural Seven, Written by Foster Carling & Joe Washburne (ASCAP) (courtesy of "Narkspud")
Going to Hell in Your Heavenly Arms
by the Austin Lounge Lizards (ASCAP)
Guess My Eyes Were Bigger Than My Heart.
Written by Liz Anderson (BMI)
Hand me the Pool Cue and Call Yourself an Ambulance (courtesy of Tom, who isn't sure it's a real song)
Her Only Bad Habit Is Me
Believe it or not, three songs with this title in the BMI database.
Here's A Quarter (Call Someone Who Cares)
by Travis Tritt - "It's All About to Change" (several folks submitted this one)
High Cost of Low Living
by John Steele & James Sloane (ASCAP)
Hold On To Your Men..Cause she's Single Again (courtesy of Susan)
How Can I Get Over You if You Won't Get Out from Under Me? (courtesy of Dan)
How Can I Get Over You Till You Get Out from Under Him? (alternate title courtesy of Mike)
How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?
Written by Leonard Linnehan & Louis Philip Perry (ASCAP) (courtesy of Charles)
But there are a half-dozen songs with this title in the BMI database!
How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You, When You Know I've Been A Liar All My Life?
According to Murphy, this song was written for the film Royal Wedding starring Fred Astaire, and was a novelty dance number.
This is confirmed by Esther, who remembers hearing the song as a little girl in the 1930s and 40s. She thinks it may have originated in Vaudeville.
How Come Your Dog Don't Bite Nobody But Me?
by Mel Tillis (BMI)
How Did You Get so Ugly Overnight? (courtesy of Mark, who's not sure it's a real song either)
I Bought the Shoes that Just Walked Out on Me
2 songs with this title in the BMI database (courtesy of Rick)
I Can't Pass the Bar, and There's One on my Way Home (courtesy of Rick)
I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life (courtesy of Charles)
I Don't Care if it Rains or Freezes 'Long as I Have My Plastic Jesus Sittin' on the Dashboard of my Car
a.k.a. "Plastic Jesus" by Ernie Marrs (courtesy of Bill)
I Don't Do Floors
by Don Cook & Charles Victor Rains (ASCAP)
I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
by Thom Sharpe (courtesy of Gail, who tells me he wrote a number of comedy songs)
I Fell for Her, She Fell for Him, and He Fell for Me (courtesy of "Narkspud")
I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me (courtesy of Charles)
I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart
Written by Jack Clement (BMI) (courtesy of Charles)
I Gave Her My Heart And A Diamond And She Clubbed Me With A Spade (courtesy of Bruce)
I Gave Her the Ring, and She Gave Me the Finger (courtesy of Maureen)
I Got Tears In My Ears From Lying On My Bed Crying On My Pillow Over You.
According to ASCAP, the acutal title is simply, "Tears In My Ears"
I Got the Hungries for Your Love, and I'm Waitin In Your Welfare Line (courtesy of John)
I Got Through Everything But The Door
I Guess I Had Your Leavin' Coming
by Vern Gosdin (ASCAP)
I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
Written by Byron Gallimore, Don Pfrimmer & William Shore (BMI) (courtesy of Charles)
I May Be Used, But Baby I Ain't Used Up
I Only Miss You On The Days That End In " Y " (courtesy of Frank)
I Sat Down On A Beartrap (Just This Morning)
I Sent Her Artifical Flowers For Her Artificial Love
There are 4 songs called "Artificial Flowers" in the BMI database (courtesy of Jerry)
I Still Miss You Baby... But My Aim is Getting Better (courtesy of Eric)
I Want a Beer as Cold as My Ex-Wife's Heart (courtesy of Dan)
I Wanted You To Leave Until You Left Me.
I Wanna Whip Your Cow (courtesy of Charles)
I Was Looking Back to See If You Were Looking Back to See If I Was Looking Back to See if You Were Looking Back at Me
According to Sean, this may be "I Looked Back" by Jimmy Eaton & Larry Wagner, recorded by Perry Como.
If that's the case, I think we can safely move it out of the "country" category!
On the other hand, according to Steve, it was a duet performed by Buck Owens and Susan Raye in the 1960s, called "Looking Back to See,"
which would move it right back into the "country" category.
I Went Back to My Fourth Wife for the Third Time and Gave Her a Second Chance to Make a First Class Fool Out of Me
by Rev.Billy C. Wirtz (courtesy of Zev)
I Wish I Were A Lesbian
by Loudon Wainwright III (ASCAP)
I Wish I Were A Woman (So I Could Go Out With A Guy Like Me) (courtesy of Mick)
I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck! (courtesy of Charles)
I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win (courtesy of Charles)
I'd Rather Hear A Fat Girl Fart Than A Pretty Boy Sing (courtesy of Mike)
I'd Rather Pass a Kidney Stone than Another Night With You
If Fingerprints Showed Up On Skin, Wonder Whose I'd Find On You.
by Freddie Hart (BMI)
If I Ain't Got It, You Don't Need It.
Two songs with this title in the BMI database
If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You (courtesy of Charles)
If I'd Killed You When I Wanted To, I'd be Out of Jail By Now (courtesy of Tom)
by Reuben Darnell
If I Had It To Do All Over Again, I'd Do It All Over You
by Dan Hicks and his Hot Licks (courtesy of Peter)
If I Had My Life to Live Over, I'd Live Over a Delicatessen (courtesy of Mike)
If I Were In Your Shoes, I'd Walk Right Back To Me
Five songs in the BMI database caleed "If I Were In Your e for the Roundhouse Nellie (He Can't Corner You There)
by Zeke Masters and his Band, Written by Julian Kay & Zeke Manners (ASCAP) (courtesy of "Narkspud")
Saddle Up the Stove Ma, I'm Riding the Range Tonight (courtesy of Garnet)
She Broke My Heart, I Broke Her Jaw (courtesy of Katrina)
by Rick Stanley.
She Can Put Her Shoes Under My Bed Anytime
by Johnny Duncan (courtesy of Bill)
She Feels Like A New Man Tonight.
Five songs with this title in the BMI database.
She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft
by Jerry Reed (courtesy of Charles)
She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger (courtesy of Charles)
She Looks Good Through the Bottom of My Shot Glass (courtesy of Marc)
She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart (courtesy of Charles)
She Offered Her Honor, He Honored Her Offer, and All Through the Night It Was Honor and Offer
by Sligo Studio Band, written by Robert Bivens (BMI) (courtesy of "Narkspud")
She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy
Written by Jim Collins & Paul Overstreet (BMI)
She Walked Across My Heart Like It Was Texas (courtesy of James)
She's Actin' Single..... I'm Drinkin' Doubles
by Gary Stewart (BMI).
She's Got the Rhythm (And I Got the Blues)
Slap 'Er Down Again Paw
by Arthur Godfrey (courtesy of "Narkspud")
Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone
by Roy Clark (BMI)
Thanks To The Cathouse, I'm In The Doghouse With You
Written by Max Barnes, Frank Saulino & James Valentini (BMI)
The Alcohall of Fame
by Wayne Kemp - from the album of the same name.
The Bridge Washed Out and I Can't Swim and My Baby's On the Other Side
The Last Word in Lonesome is Me
The Man That Came Between Us (Was Me)
The Old Home Fill 'er Up and Keep On Truckin' Cafe"
by C. W. McCall (courtesy of "Narkspud")
The Pint Of No Return.
There Ain't Enough Room in my Fruit Of The Looms to Hold All My Lovin' For You (courtesy of Atley)
There's A Tear In My Beer
by Hank Williams
They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out (courtesy of Charles)
This Good Girl's Gonna Go Bad
by Tammy Wynette(courtesy of Bill)
This White Circle on My Finger Means We're Through
by Kitty Wells (courtesy of Bill)
Tight Fittin' Jeans
Two songs in the BMI database with this title.
Timber... I'm Fallin In Love (courtesy of Kathy)
by Patty Loveless. Written by "Kostas" (BMI)
Trainwreck Of Emotion
Written by Allen Kohnhurst & Jonathan Vezner (ASCAP)
Up Against the Wall, Redneck Mother
by Jerry Jeff Walker "Great Gonzos" (courtesy of Ed) Also recorded by Willie Nelson, written by Ray Hubbard (ASCAP)
Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart (courtesy of Charles)
Did find a song in the BMI database called "Velcro Heart"
Waitin' In Your Welfare Line
by Buck Owens (BMI)
Walk Out Backwards Slowly So I'll Think You're Walking In
Four songs in the BMI database called "Walk Out Backwards"
Warm Beer and Cold Kisses
by Stallins & Crowe (BMI)
Warm Beer Cold Women
by Tom Waits (ASCAP) Wouldn'Grass?
by Buck Owens (BMI)
Who's Gonna Take The Garbage Out When I'm Dead And Gone?
Who's Makin' Time with the Time Keeper's Daughter, when the Time Keeper's Keepin' Time? (courtesy of Steve)
Whose Bed Have Your Boots Been Under?
by Shania Twain & Mutt Lange (ASCAP)
Why Have You Left the One You Left Me For?
by Crystal Gayle, also recorded by Ronnie Milsap (courtesy of the Johnson family)
Why Don't We Get Drunk and Screw
by Jimmy Buffett "All the Great Hits" (courtesy of Karen, James & Ed)
Would Jesus Wear A Rolex On His Television Show?
by Ray Stevens, Written by Chet Atkins & Margaret Archer (BMI)
Yard Sale (12 exciting songs share this title in the BMI database)
You Ain't Much Fun Since I Quit Drinkin'
by Toby Keith (BMI) (courtesy of Chili)
You Ain't Woman Enough To Take My Man
by Loretta Lynn (courtesy of Bill)
You Ain't Nothin' But a Hound Dog ('s Leavins') (courtesy of Jim)
You can Lock Me Up in Jail & Throw Away the Key, But You Can't Keep My Face from Breaking Out
by Randy Scruggs (courtesy of Dave )
You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too.
You Can't Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd
by Roger Miller (BMI)
You Changed Your Name From Brown to Jones, and Mine From Brown to Blue
Apparently by a British spoof country singer, "Hank Wangford." Courtesy of Jan from Essex.
You Done Stomped On my Heart (and You Mashed That Sucker Flat)
According to multiple emails, this was written by Mason Williams (yes, the "Classical Gas" guy) and recorded by various artists including John Denver.
"You done stomped on my heart and mashed that sucker flat, you just sorta, stomped on my aorta.
You started going out with guys, I felt us drift apart, and every step you took, was a stomp right on my heart."
You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Banister Of Life (courtesy of Charles)
You'd think my Bed was a Bus Stop, the Way You Come and Go (several submissions)
Your Negligee Has Turned To Flannel Nightgowns.
You're The Hangnail In My Life, And I Can't Bite You Off
by Hoyt Axton, Written by Woody Bowles (BMI)(courtesy of Eli)
You're a Hard Dog To Keep Under The Porch
by Gail Davies (BMI) (courtesy of Susan)
You're Going To Ruin My Bad Reputation
Could this be "My Bad Reputation" by Woody Guthrie?
You're Out Of Step (With The Beat Of My Heart)
You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly (courtesy of Charles, with more info from Ray))
By Lola Jean Dillon & L.E. White (BMI) Apparently also recorded by Loretta Lynn & Conway Twitty
You're The Ring Around My Bathtub, You're The Hangnail Of My Life
You've Already Put Big Old Tears In My Eyes, Must You Throw Dirt In My Face?
by The Louvin Brothers (courtesy of Art)
You've Got Sawdust On The Floor Of Your Heart
by Sneezy Waters (courtesy of Paul)
80 Proof Bottle of Tear Stopper
800 Pound Jesus
by Sawyer Brown. Written by Billy Maddox & Paul Thorn (BMI)
Top 20 Best Excuses If Your Boss Catches You Visiting Entertainment Web Sites
1. I was trying to establish a link with reality.
-cymbidium6
2. The help desk changed my default home page.
- e-nnoyed
3. I was researching our competition.
- What do we make again?
4. Look at the number of hits these guys have racked up - we have GOT to figure out their marketing strategy!
- Alan in Chicago
5. I'm testing my monitor to make sure it gets all 4 million colors.
- 2 million so far b e r t
6. I need to download all these MP3s to thoroughly test the sound drivers. The user is having intermittent problems with the sound.
- Erika the Red
7. I'm checking out reports of bandwidth problems.
- Our IT guy uses this all the time!
8. I'm testing the new content filters. Here's a list of porn sites try to access them from your office. Come back later to let me know if any of them got through the filter.
- There ain't no filter, and he didn't come back
9. I found this site listed in the web history of a user's browser and was viewing the content to determine if it was appropriate or should be blocked. I'm going to audit your PC next.
- Itbert
10. I don't know HOW my browser got to this site...damn Microsoft.
- Bill Gates is ALWAYS to blame...
11. Mutter, "Dang these pop-up ads."
- GoL
12. Dang viruses... did you know they can change ALL your bookmarks?
- DynBert
13. I was just checking out the nav on this site. We should consider implementing a similar structure.
- what's a nav?
14. Isn't it frustrating how many irrelevant hot links they put into bona-fide news articles?
- Deputy Baron Og
15. I quit smoking, and this takes only half of the time the smokers use daily for that.
- never smoked-bert
16. It was a link on HR's web page, showing the fun the side of our area to prospective employees.
- Also-A-Barn-Sized-Hole-In-The-Firewall-Bert
17. Our firewall is worthless. I need 30K for an upgrade!
- surfin' all day long
18. It's a support site for some software I'm working with. (He has no clue what I'm working with!)
- unix-bert in a windows world
19. Just because Nicolas Cage and Johnny Depp are in the movie doesn't mean that it's not about our product.
- Yes you can watch movies online
20. My boss complained because he "caught" me playing a game. It happened to be the game I was programming! We're a games company!
- p*g* bert
1. I was trying to establish a link with reality.
-cymbidium6
2. The help desk changed my default home page.
- e-nnoyed
3. I was researching our competition.
- What do we make again?
4. Look at the number of hits these guys have racked up - we have GOT to figure out their marketing strategy!
- Alan in Chicago
5. I'm testing my monitor to make sure it gets all 4 million colors.
- 2 million so far b e r t
6. I need to download all these MP3s to thoroughly test the sound drivers. The user is having intermittent problems with the sound.
- Erika the Red
7. I'm checking out reports of bandwidth problems.
- Our IT guy uses this all the time!
8. I'm testing the new content filters. Here's a list of porn sites try to access them from your office. Come back later to let me know if any of them got through the filter.
- There ain't no filter, and he didn't come back
9. I found this site listed in the web history of a user's browser and was viewing the content to determine if it was appropriate or should be blocked. I'm going to audit your PC next.
- Itbert
10. I don't know HOW my browser got to this site...damn Microsoft.
- Bill Gates is ALWAYS to blame...
11. Mutter, "Dang these pop-up ads."
- GoL
12. Dang viruses... did you know they can change ALL your bookmarks?
- DynBert
13. I was just checking out the nav on this site. We should consider implementing a similar structure.
- what's a nav?
14. Isn't it frustrating how many irrelevant hot links they put into bona-fide news articles?
- Deputy Baron Og
15. I quit smoking, and this takes only half of the time the smokers use daily for that.
- never smoked-bert
16. It was a link on HR's web page, showing the fun the side of our area to prospective employees.
- Also-A-Barn-Sized-Hole-In-The-Firewall-Bert
17. Our firewall is worthless. I need 30K for an upgrade!
- surfin' all day long
18. It's a support site for some software I'm working with. (He has no clue what I'm working with!)
- unix-bert in a windows world
19. Just because Nicolas Cage and Johnny Depp are in the movie doesn't mean that it's not about our product.
- Yes you can watch movies online
20. My boss complained because he "caught" me playing a game. It happened to be the game I was programming! We're a games company!
- p*g* bert
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This was in the “Bob Levey’s Washington” column in the Washington Post. Every year he compiles and prints the “Best T-shirts of the Summer”:
1) (around a picture of dandelions) I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won
2) So Few Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me
3) I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy
4) God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends
5) If They Don’t Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain’t Going
6) At My Age, I’ve Seen It All, Done It All, Heard It All...
I Just Can’t Remember It All
7) My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips
8) I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me To Do
9) (Worn by a pregnant woman) A Man Did This To Me, Oprah
10)If It’s Called Tourist Season, Why Can’t We Hunt Them?
11)Senior Citizen: Give Me My Damn Discount
12)Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog
13)No, It Doesn’t Hurt (on a “well-tattooed gentleman”)
14)(on the back of a passing motorcyclist)
If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off
15)I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We’re OK Now
16)(Over the outline of the state of Minnesota)
My Governor Can Beat Up Your Governor
17)Veni, Vedi, Visa: I came. I Saw. I Did a Little Shopping.
18)What If The Hokey Pokey Is Really What It’s All About
19)I Didn’t Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian
20)(on the Front) Yale Is Just One Big Party (on the back) With a $25,000 Cover Charge
21)Coffee, Chocolate, Men...Some Things Are Just Better Rich
22)Liberal Arts Major...Will Think For Money
23)Growing Old is Inevitable; Growing Up is Optional
24)IRS—Be Audit You Can Be
25)Gravity...It’s Not Just a Good Idea. It’s the Law.
26)If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In the Kitchen
27)Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship
28)The Old Pro...Often Wrong...Never In Doubt
29)If At First You Don’t Succeed, Skydiving Isn’t For You
30)Old Age Comes at a Bad Time
31)In America, Anyone Can Be President. That’s One of the Risks You Take.
32)First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order.
1) (around a picture of dandelions) I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won
2) So Few Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me
3) I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy
4) God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends
5) If They Don’t Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain’t Going
6) At My Age, I’ve Seen It All, Done It All, Heard It All...
I Just Can’t Remember It All
7) My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips
8) I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me To Do
9) (Worn by a pregnant woman) A Man Did This To Me, Oprah
10)If It’s Called Tourist Season, Why Can’t We Hunt Them?
11)Senior Citizen: Give Me My Damn Discount
12)Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog
13)No, It Doesn’t Hurt (on a “well-tattooed gentleman”)
14)(on the back of a passing motorcyclist)
If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off
15)I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We’re OK Now
16)(Over the outline of the state of Minnesota)
My Governor Can Beat Up Your Governor
17)Veni, Vedi, Visa: I came. I Saw. I Did a Little Shopping.
18)What If The Hokey Pokey Is Really What It’s All About
19)I Didn’t Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian
20)(on the Front) Yale Is Just One Big Party (on the back) With a $25,000 Cover Charge
21)Coffee, Chocolate, Men...Some Things Are Just Better Rich
22)Liberal Arts Major...Will Think For Money
23)Growing Old is Inevitable; Growing Up is Optional
24)IRS—Be Audit You Can Be
25)Gravity...It’s Not Just a Good Idea. It’s the Law.
26)If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In the Kitchen
27)Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship
28)The Old Pro...Often Wrong...Never In Doubt
29)If At First You Don’t Succeed, Skydiving Isn’t For You
30)Old Age Comes at a Bad Time
31)In America, Anyone Can Be President. That’s One of the Risks You Take.
32)First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order.
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A not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom, staring at a question on the final exam paper.
The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk."
"What to write?" he sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:
1. No need to boil.
2. Never goes sour.
3. Available whenever necessary.
So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a fourth answer.
Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. Suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:
4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.
He received an A.
The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk."
"What to write?" he sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:
1. No need to boil.
2. Never goes sour.
3. Available whenever necessary.
So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a fourth answer.
Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. Suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:
4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.
He received an A.
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ALFA
Always Looking For Another
AUDI
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
BMW
Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster
BUICK
Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer
CHEVROLET
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
DAEWOO
Does Any Engtineer Wanna Own One?
Dangerous And Energy-Wasting Oriental Object
DODGE
Damn Old Dirty Gas Eater
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
FERRARI
Fast, Exciting, Racy, Red, And Really Impractical
FIAT
Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
Fix It All the Time
Fix it again, Tony!
FORD
backwards: Driver Returns On Foot
First On Recall Day
First On Rust and Deterioration
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road, Dead
Fault Of R&D
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
Features O.J. and Ron's DNA
Flip Over Read Directions (Festiva)
GM
General Maintenance
GMC
Garage Man's Companion
Got A Mechanic Coming?
HONDA
Had One Never Did Again
HYUNDAI
Hope You Understand Nothing's Drivable And Inexpensive...
MAZDA
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
KIA
Kick It Again
OLDSMOBILE
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everyday.
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment
SAAB
Send Another Automobile Back
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.
TOYOTA
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
VOLVO
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
VW
Virtually Worthless
VW BEETLE
Visually Weird, But Everyone Enjoys The Look, Eh?
Seth Croston Barber <kn1ght@cyberis.net>
Last modified: Fri Jan 07 09:48:57 PDT 2000
AUDI : Another Ugly Deutsche Invention
BMW : Brings Me Women but Broke My Wallet
FIAT : Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
FORD : Fast Only Rolling Downhill
SAAB : Shape Appears Ass-Backwards
HYUNDAI : Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...
SUBARU : Screwed Up Beyond All Repair Usually
VOLVO : Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
PORSCHE : Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything
BMW : Brings Me Women but Broke My Wallet
FIAT : Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
FORD : Fast Only Rolling Downhill
SAAB : Shape Appears Ass-Backwards
HYUNDAI : Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...
SUBARU : Screwed Up Beyond All Repair Usually
VOLVO : Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
PORSCHE : Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything
Comments
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Today's Joke:
1. Cats do what they want, when they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. They whine when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play they want to be left alone.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8. They're moody.
9. They leave their hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts.
Conclusion: Cats are small women in fur coats.
1. Cats do what they want, when they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. They whine when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play they want to be left alone.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8. They're moody.
9. They leave their hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts.
Conclusion: Cats are small women in fur coats.
To all my friends, thanks to you sending me chain letters in 2003, the following occurred:
* I stopped drinking Coca Cola after I found out that it's good for
removing toilet stains.
* I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected
with AIDS.
* I smell like a dog since I stopped using deodorants because they cause
cancer.
* I don't leave my car in the parking lot or any other place and sometimes
I even have to walk about 7 blocks for fear that someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and try to rob me.
* I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they ask me to dial a
stupid number and then I get a phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda,
Singapore and Tokyo.
* I stopped consuming several foods for fear that the estrogens they
contain may turn me gay.
* I also stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because they are nothing
other than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers that are bred in
a lab so that places like McDonalds can sell their Big Macs.
* I also stopped drinking anything out of a can for fear that I will get
sick from the rat feces and urine.
* I think I am turning gay because when I go to parties, I don't look at
any babe no matter how hot she is, for fear that she will take my kidneys and
leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.
* I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account, a sick girl that
was about to die in the hospital about 7,000 times. Funny that girl,
she's been 7 since 1993.......
* I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I wrote expecting the $150,000
total that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in
their special e-mail program.
* But I am positive that all this is the cause of a stinking chain that I
broke or forgot to follow and I got a curse from Satan himself.
IMPORTANT NOTE: If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in
the next 10 seconds, a bird will crap on you today.
If you didn't get it, this means: don't send me any more chain letters ;)
* I stopped drinking Coca Cola after I found out that it's good for
removing toilet stains.
* I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected
with AIDS.
* I smell like a dog since I stopped using deodorants because they cause
cancer.
* I don't leave my car in the parking lot or any other place and sometimes
I even have to walk about 7 blocks for fear that someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and try to rob me.
* I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they ask me to dial a
stupid number and then I get a phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda,
Singapore and Tokyo.
* I stopped consuming several foods for fear that the estrogens they
contain may turn me gay.
* I also stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because they are nothing
other than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers that are bred in
a lab so that places like McDonalds can sell their Big Macs.
* I also stopped drinking anything out of a can for fear that I will get
sick from the rat feces and urine.
* I think I am turning gay because when I go to parties, I don't look at
any babe no matter how hot she is, for fear that she will take my kidneys and
leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.
* I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account, a sick girl that
was about to die in the hospital about 7,000 times. Funny that girl,
she's been 7 since 1993.......
* I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I wrote expecting the $150,000
total that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in
their special e-mail program.
* But I am positive that all this is the cause of a stinking chain that I
broke or forgot to follow and I got a curse from Satan himself.
IMPORTANT NOTE: If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in
the next 10 seconds, a bird will crap on you today.
If you didn't get it, this means: don't send me any more chain letters ;)
Comments
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> > > The following is an actual answer given to a
> > > question in a UCLA chemistry
> > > mid-term. The answer was so "profound" that the
> > > professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we
> > > now have the> > >> > > pleasure of enjoying it as well.
> > >> > >> > >
> > > Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat)
> > > or endothermic (absorbs heat)?> > >> > >> > >
> > > Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs
> > > using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and
> > > heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One
> > > student, however, wrote the following:> > >> > >
> > >> > > First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is
> > > changing in time.> > >> > >> > >
> > > So we need to know the rate that souls are moving
> > > into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think
> > > that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to
> > > Hell, it will not leave - therefore, no souls are
> > > leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell,
> > > lets look at the different religions that exist in
> > > the world today. Some of these religions state that
> > > if you are not a member of their religion, you will
> > > go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these
> > > religions and since people do not belong to more
> > > than one religion, we can project that all souls go
> > > to Hell.> > >> > >> > >
> > > With birth and death rates as they are, we can
> > > expect the number of souls in Hell to increase
> > > exponentially.> > >> > >> > >
> > > Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in
> > > Hell since Boyle's Law states that in order for the
> > > temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same,
> > > the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.
> > > This gives two possibilities:> > >> > >> > >
> > > 1.. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the
> > > rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature
> > > and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell
> > > breaks loose.
> > > 2.. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate
> > > faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the
> > > temperature and pressure will drop until Hell
> > > freezes over> > >> > >
> > > So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to
> > > me by Ms Andrea Banyan during my Freshman year, that
> > > "...it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep
> > > with you" and take into account the fact that I
> > > still have not had sexual relations with her, then,
> > > #2 cannot be true. Thus I am sure that Hell is
> > > exothermic and will not freeze.> > >> > >> > >
> > >> > >> > > The student received the only "A" given!
> > >> > >> >>
> > > question in a UCLA chemistry
> > > mid-term. The answer was so "profound" that the
> > > professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we
> > > now have the> > >> > > pleasure of enjoying it as well.
> > >> > >> > >
> > > Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat)
> > > or endothermic (absorbs heat)?> > >> > >> > >
> > > Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs
> > > using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and
> > > heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One
> > > student, however, wrote the following:> > >> > >
> > >> > > First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is
> > > changing in time.> > >> > >> > >
> > > So we need to know the rate that souls are moving
> > > into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think
> > > that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to
> > > Hell, it will not leave - therefore, no souls are
> > > leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell,
> > > lets look at the different religions that exist in
> > > the world today. Some of these religions state that
> > > if you are not a member of their religion, you will
> > > go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these
> > > religions and since people do not belong to more
> > > than one religion, we can project that all souls go
> > > to Hell.> > >> > >> > >
> > > With birth and death rates as they are, we can
> > > expect the number of souls in Hell to increase
> > > exponentially.> > >> > >> > >
> > > Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in
> > > Hell since Boyle's Law states that in order for the
> > > temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same,
> > > the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.
> > > This gives two possibilities:> > >> > >> > >
> > > 1.. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the
> > > rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature
> > > and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell
> > > breaks loose.
> > > 2.. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate
> > > faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the
> > > temperature and pressure will drop until Hell
> > > freezes over> > >> > >
> > > So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to
> > > me by Ms Andrea Banyan during my Freshman year, that
> > > "...it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep
> > > with you" and take into account the fact that I
> > > still have not had sexual relations with her, then,
> > > #2 cannot be true. Thus I am sure that Hell is
> > > exothermic and will not freeze.> > >> > >> > >
> > >> > >> > > The student received the only "A" given!
> > >> > >> >>
>Child's Play
Shhhh!
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees
about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He
dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a
child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a
youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy
there?"
"Yes," came the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left
home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with
the person who should be there watching over the child.
"Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes," whispered the child "A policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employees home, the
boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he is busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered
answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like
a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked,
"What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team
just landed the hello-copper!"
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the
boss asked, "Why are they there?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled
giggle, "They are looking for me!"
Shhhh!
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees
about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He
dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a
child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a
youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy
there?"
"Yes," came the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left
home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with
the person who should be there watching over the child.
"Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes," whispered the child "A policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employees home, the
boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he is busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered
answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like
a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked,
"What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team
just landed the hello-copper!"
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the
boss asked, "Why are they there?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled
giggle, "They are looking for me!"
That's not right Sum Ting Wong
See me A.S.A.P. Kum Hai Nao
Stupid Man Dum Gai
Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table. Ai Bang Mai Ni
It's very dark in here. Wai So Dim?
I thought you were on a diet. Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone. No Pah King
You are not very bright. Yu So Dum
I got this for free. Ai No Pei
Please stay a while longer. Wai Go Nao?
Meeting was scheduled for next week. Wai Yu Kum Nao?
They have arrived. Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight. Lei Lo
Your body odor is offensive. Yu Stin Ki Pu
See me A.S.A.P. Kum Hai Nao
Stupid Man Dum Gai
Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table. Ai Bang Mai Ni
It's very dark in here. Wai So Dim?
I thought you were on a diet. Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone. No Pah King
You are not very bright. Yu So Dum
I got this for free. Ai No Pei
Please stay a while longer. Wai Go Nao?
Meeting was scheduled for next week. Wai Yu Kum Nao?
They have arrived. Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight. Lei Lo
Your body odor is offensive. Yu Stin Ki Pu
3 Chinese men wanted to become US citizen and
"Americanize" themselves.
Their names were Bu, Chu, and Fu.
Bu named himself "Buck",
Chu name himself "Chuck", and
Fu decided to back to china....
By the time Ted arrived at the football game, the first quarter was
almost
over. "Why are you so late?" his friend asked.
"I had to toss a coin to decide between going to church and coming to
the
game."
"How long could that have taken you?"
"Well, I had to toss it 14 times."
almost
over. "Why are you so late?" his friend asked.
"I had to toss a coin to decide between going to church and coming to
the
game."
"How long could that have taken you?"
"Well, I had to toss it 14 times."
Medical studies have proven you can still live with only one lung.
Most forms of cancer are treatable at least for a while.
This is only one of hundreds of products that are slowly killing you.
Smoking does not affect the fetuses of women who aren't pregnant.
Refusing to inhale drastically reduces risk of lung cancer.
Go ahead and drive or operate heavy machinery. It's perfectly fine.
Secondhand smoke only affects those who might breath it.
Cigarettes don't kill, matches do.
Nicotine is not addictive because you know you could quit if you
really wanted to.
There have been no medical tests to conclusively prove smoking is
a teeth-staining, smelly, pukey habit. And we're not all that ready
to concede the tumor-causing part either.
Eleanor Roosevelt wrote:
Many people will walk in and out of your life,
To handle yourself, use your head;
To handle others, use your heart.
Anger is only one letter short of danger.
Great minds discuss ideas;
Average minds discuss events;
Small minds discuss people.
He who loses money, loses much;
He who loses a friend, loses much more;
He who loses faith, loses all.
Beautiful young people are accidents of nature,
But beautiful old people are works of art.
Learn from the mistakes of others
You can't live long enough to make them all
yourself. Friends, you and me.......You brought another
friend....and we started our group....our circle of
friends.....and like a circle.....there is no
beginning or end......Yesterday is history. Tomorrow
is mystery. Today is a gift.
It's National friendship week. Show your friends
how much. Send this to
everyone you consider a Friend. If it comes back
then you'll know you have a circle of friends.
Many people will walk in and out of your life,
To handle yourself, use your head;
To handle others, use your heart.
Anger is only one letter short of danger.
Great minds discuss ideas;
Average minds discuss events;
Small minds discuss people.
He who loses money, loses much;
He who loses a friend, loses much more;
He who loses faith, loses all.
Beautiful young people are accidents of nature,
But beautiful old people are works of art.
Learn from the mistakes of others
You can't live long enough to make them all
yourself. Friends, you and me.......You brought another
friend....and we started our group....our circle of
friends.....and like a circle.....there is no
beginning or end......Yesterday is history. Tomorrow
is mystery. Today is a gift.
It's National friendship week. Show your friends
how much. Send this to
everyone you consider a Friend. If it comes back
then you'll know you have a circle of friends.
Comments
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A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink.
Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on
strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found
his horse had been stolen.
He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air,
caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot
into the ceiling.
"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with
surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back
outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas!
And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his
word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been
returned to the post.
He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender
wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go...
what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on
strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found
his horse had been stolen.
He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air,
caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot
into the ceiling.
"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with
surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back
outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas!
And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his
word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been
returned to the post.
He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender
wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go...
what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
One woman says to another, "how did you die"?
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful" says the first woman. "How does it feel
to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second
woman. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all
your fingers and toes. But eventually,it's a very calm
way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off,
as if you're sleeping."
"How about you, how did you die?" asked the second
woman.
"I had a heart attack," says the first woman. "You see
I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I
showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the
bedroom, and found him alone watching TV. I ran to
the basement, but no one was hiding there either. I
ran to the second floor, but no one was hiding there
either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and
just as I get there, I had a massive heart attack and
died.
The second woman shakes her head. "What a pity ... if
you had only looked in the freezer, we'd both still be
alive!!!!!!
Comments
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A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100. When the postal
authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send
it to President Clinton.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his
secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.
President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little
boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a
thank you note to GOD, which read:Dear GOD,
Thank you very much for sending the money but, I noticed that for some
reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those jerks
deducted $95.00..
Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100. When the postal
authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send
it to President Clinton.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his
secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.
President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little
boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a
thank you note to GOD, which read:Dear GOD,
Thank you very much for sending the money but, I noticed that for some
reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those jerks
deducted $95.00..
Comments
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Prof. of Algebra : Kiss is infinity because two divided by nothing.
Prof. of Geometry : Kiss is the shortest distance between two lips.
Prof. of Physics : Kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.
Prof. of Chemistry : Kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.
Prof. of Zoology : Kiss is the interchange of salivary bacteria.
Prof. of Physiology : Kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicularis oris muscles in the state of contraction.
Prof. of Dentistry : Kiss is infectious and antiseptic.
Prof. of Accountancy : Kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.
Prof. of Economics : Kiss is that thing for which the demand is always higher than the supply.
Prof. of Statistics : Kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of 36-24-36.
Prof. of Philosophy : Kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.
Prof. of English : Kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction, it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.
Prof. of Comp.Science : What is a kiss? It looks to be an undefined variable
Prof. of Architecture : Kiss is a process which builds a solid bond between the two dynamic objects.
Prof. of Geometry : Kiss is the shortest distance between two lips.
Prof. of Physics : Kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.
Prof. of Chemistry : Kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.
Prof. of Zoology : Kiss is the interchange of salivary bacteria.
Prof. of Physiology : Kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicularis oris muscles in the state of contraction.
Prof. of Dentistry : Kiss is infectious and antiseptic.
Prof. of Accountancy : Kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.
Prof. of Economics : Kiss is that thing for which the demand is always higher than the supply.
Prof. of Statistics : Kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of 36-24-36.
Prof. of Philosophy : Kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.
Prof. of English : Kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction, it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.
Prof. of Comp.Science : What is a kiss? It looks to be an undefined variable
Prof. of Architecture : Kiss is a process which builds a solid bond between the two dynamic objects.
After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together. Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for another flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told that the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain.
Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost uncomfortable hot as Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an email, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address. The message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the day before. When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead! Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen. It read:
Dearest wife,
Departed yesterday as you know. Just got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.
Your loving husband,
P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.
Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost uncomfortable hot as Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an email, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address. The message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the day before. When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead! Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen. It read:
Dearest wife,
Departed yesterday as you know. Just got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.
Your loving husband,
P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.
Comments
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From grebyn!karl@haven.UMD.EDU Wed Dec 14 08:19:29 1988
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Date: Wed, 14 Dec 88 09:06:30 EST
From: karl@grebyn.com (Karl Nyberg)
Message-Id: <8812141406.AA10296@grebyn.com>
Organization: Grebyn Corporation
Phone: 703-281-2194
To: werner@rascal.ics.UTEXAS.EDU
Subject: add this to your collection of funnies
...
-- Karl --
For your edification and enjoyment, here are a few selected
daffynitions from Ambrose Bierce, " The Devil's Dictionary"
Published 1911, Neale Publishing Co.
=============================================================
Academe: An ancient school where morality and philosophy
were taught.
Academy: A modern school where football is taught.
Accomplice: One associated with another in a crime, having guilty
knowledge and complicity, as an attorney who defends a
criminal, knowing him guilty. This view of the attorney's
position in the matter has not hitherto commanded the
assent of attorneys, no one having offered them a sufficient
fee for assenting.
Accountability: The mother of caution.
Accuse: To affirm another's guilt or unworth; most commonly as a
justification of ourselves for having wronged them.
Alderman: An ingenious criminal who covers his secret thieving
with a pretense of open marauding.
Alliance: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have
their hands so deeply inserted into each others' pockets that
they cannot separately plunder a third.
Back: That part of your friend which it is your privilege to
contemplate in your adversity.
Backbite: To speak of a man as you find him, when he can't
find you.
Bait: A preparation that renders the hook more palatable. The
best kind is beauty.
Beauty: That power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies
a husband.
Belldonna: In Italian, a beautiful lady. In English, a deadly
poison. A striking example of the essential identity of
the two tongues.
Bigot: One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion
that you do not entertain.
Cannon: An instrument used in the rectification of national
boundaries.
Cat: A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be
kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle.
Childhood: The period of human life intermediate between the
idiocy of infancy and the folly of youth -- two removes
from the sin of manhood and three from the remorse of age.
Christian: One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely
inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of
his neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ in
so far as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.
Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit
without individual responsibility.
Day: A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent. This period
is divided into two parts; the day proper, and the night, or
day improper -- the former devoted to sins of business, and
the latter consecrated to the other sort. These two kinds of
social activity overlap.
Deluge: A notable first experiment in baptism which washed away
the sins (and sinners) of the world.
Diplomacy: The patriotic art of lying for one's country.
Education: That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the
fool their lack of understanding.
Egotist: A person of low taste, more interested in themselves
than in me.
Emotion: A prostrating disease caused by the determination of the
heart to the head. It is sometimes accompanied by a copious
discharge of hydrated chloride of sodium from the eyes.
Eulogy: Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth
and power, or the consideration to be dead.
Female: One of the opposing, or unfair, sex.
Fidelity: A vice peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
Forefinger: The finger commonly used in pointing out two malefactors.
Gallows: A stage for the performance of miracle plays, in which
the leading actor is transported to heaven. In this country,
the gallows is chiefly remarkable for the number of persons
who escape it.
Guillotine: A machine which makes the Frenchman shrug his
shoulders with good reason.
Hand: A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and
commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.
Happiness: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating
the misery of another.
Hatred: A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's
superiority.
Helpmate: A wife, or bitter half.
Incompatibility: In matrimony a similarity of tastes, particularly
the taste for domination.
Influence: In politics, a visionary 'quo' given in return for a
substantial 'quid'.
Intimacy: A relation into which fools are providentially drawn
for their mutual destruction.
Joss-sticks: Small sticks burned by the Chinese in their pagan
tomfoolery, in imitation of certain sacred rites of our
holy religion.
Justice: A commodity which (in a more or less adulterated condition)
the State sells to the citizen as a reward for his allegiance,
taxes, and personal service.
Labor: One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
Language: The music with which we charm the serpents guarding
another's treasure.
Lap: One of the most important organs of the female system; an
admirable provision of nature for the repose of infancy,
but chiefly used in rural festivities to support plates
of cold chicken and the heads of adult males. The male of
our species has a rudimentary lap, imperfectly developed and
in no way contributing to the animal's substantial welfare.
Lawyer: One skilled in the circumvention of the law.
Lead: A heavy blue-grey mineral most useful in imparting a sense
of responsibility to those who love not wisely but other
men's wives.
Legacy: A gift from one who is legging it out of this vale of tears.
Liar: A lawyer with a roving commission.
Liberty: One of Imagination's most precious posessions.
Litigation: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as
a sausage.
Liver: A large red organ thoughtfully provided by nature to be
bilious with.
Love: A temporary insanity curable either by marriage or by
removal of the patient from the influences under which
he incurred the disorder... It is sometimes fatal, but
more frequently to the physician than the patient.
Luminary: One who throws light on a subject; as a reporter, by
not writing about it.
Mace: A staff of office signifying authority. Its form, that of a
heavy club, indicates its original purpose and use in
dissuading from dissent.
Machination: The method employed by one's opponents in baffling
one's open and honorable efforts to do the right thing.
Magpie: A bird whose thievish disposition has suggested to some
that it might be taught to talk.
Maiden: A young person of the unfair sex addicted to clueless
conduct and views that madden to crime. The genus has wide
geographical distribution, being found wherever sought and
deplored wherever found. The maiden is not altogether
unpleasing to the eye, nor (without her piano and her views)
insupportable to the ear, though in respect to comeliness
distinctly inferior to the rainbow, and, with regard to
the part of her that is audible, beaten out of the field by
the canary -- which, also, is more portable.
Male: A member of the unconsidered, or negligible, sex. The male
of the human race is commonly known (to the female) as
Mere Man. The genus has 2 varieties: Good Providers and
Bad Providers.
Malefactor: The chief factor in the progress of the human race.
Manicheism: The ancient Persian doctrine of an incessant warfare
between Good and Evil. When Good gave up the fight, the
Persians joined the victorious Opposition.
Marriage: The state or condition of a community consisting of
a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making (in all) two.
Me: The objectional case of "I". The personal pronoun in English
has three cases, the diminutive, the objectional, and the
oppressive. Each is in all three.
Meekness: Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worthwhile.
Mercy: An attribute beloved of detected offenders.
Mine: Belonging to me if I can hold or seize it.
Miracle: An act or event out of the order of nature and unaccountable,
as in beating a normal hand of four kings and an ace with
four aces and a king.
Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses.
Monday: In Christian countries, the day after the ball game.
Mouth: In man, the gateway to the soul; In woman, the outlet of
the heart.
Noise: A stench in the ear. Undomesticated music. The chief
product and authenticating sign of civilization.
Occident: The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient.
It is largely inhabited by Christians, a powerful sub-tribe
of the Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder
and cheating, which they are pleased to call "war" and
"commerce". These, also, are the principal industries of
the Orient.
Overeat: To dine.
Patience: A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.
Pedestrian: The variable (and audible) part of a roadway.
Piety: Reverence for the Supreme Being, based upon His
supposed resemblance to man.
Piracy: Commerce without its folly-swaddles, just as God made it.
Plebescite: A popular vote to ascertain the will of the sovereign.
Plunder: To take the property of another without the decent and
customary reticences of theft. To effect a change of
ownership with the candid concomitance of a brass band.
To wrest the wealth of A from B and leave C lamenting a
missed opportunity.
Pocket: The cradle of motive and the grave of conscience. In woman,
this organ is lacking; so she acts without motive, and her
conscience, denied burial, remains ever alive, confessing
the sins of others.
Politics: A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of
principles. The conduct of public affairs for private
advantage.
Pray: To ask that the laws of the universe be nullified on
behalf of a single petitioner, admittedly unworthy.
Price: Value, plus a reasonable sum for the wear of conscience in
demanding it.
Non-Combatant: A dead Quaker.
Politeness: The most acceptable hypocrisy.
Prescription: A physician's guess at what will best prolong the
situation with least harm to the patient.
Proof: Evidence having a shade more of plausibility than of
unliklihood. The testimony of two credible witnesses as
opposed to that of only one.
Quorum: A sufficient number of members of a deliberative body to
have their own way and their own way of having it. In the
United States Senate a quorum consists of the chairman of the
Committee on Finance and a messenger from the White House;
in the House of Representatives, the Speaker and the devil.
Rabble: In a republic, those who hold supreme power tempered by
fraudulent elections.
Rear: In American military affairs, that exposed part of the army
that is nearest to Congress.
Recollect: To recall with additions something not previously known.
Recount: In American politics, another throw of the dice, accorded
to the player against whom they are loaded.
Repartee: Prudent insult in retort. Practiced by gentlemen with
a constitutional aversion to violence, but a strong
disposition to offend.
Reporter: A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels
it with a tempest of words.
Responsibility: A detachable burden easily shifted to the shoulders
of God, Fate, Fortune, Luck, or one's neighbor. In the days
of astrology, it was customary to unload it upon a star.
Retaliation: The natural rock upon which is reared the Temple
of Law.
Riot: A popular entertainment given to the military by innocent
bystanders.
Rope: An obsolescent appliance for reminding assassins that they
too are mortal. It is put about the neck and remains in
place one's whole life long.
Russian: (1) A person with a Caucasian body and a Mongolian soul.
(2) A Tartar emetic.
Self-Esteem: An erroneous appraisal.
Tariff: A scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect the
domestic producer from the greed of his customer.
Urbanity: The kind of civility that urban observers ascribe to
dwellers in all cities but New York. Its commonest
expression is heard in the words "I beg your pardon",
and it is not inconsistent with disregard of the
rights of others.
Vote: The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make
a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.
Weaknesses: Certain primal powers of Tyrant Woman wherewith
she holds dominion over the male of the species,
binding him to the service of her will, and paralyzing
his rebellious energies.
Witch: (1) An ugly and repulsive old woman, in a wicked
league with the devil. (2) A beautiful and attractive
young woman, in wickedness a league beyond the devil.
Yoke: An implement to whose latin name "jugum" we owe one of
the most illuminating words in our language-- a word
that defines the matrimonial situation with precision,
point, and poignancy.
Zeal: A certain nervous disorder afflicing the young and
inexperienced. A passion that goeth before a sprawl.
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id AA10296; Wed, 14 Dec 88 09:06:30 EST
Date: Wed, 14 Dec 88 09:06:30 EST
From: karl@grebyn.com (Karl Nyberg)
Message-Id: <8812141406.AA10296@grebyn.com>
Organization: Grebyn Corporation
Phone: 703-281-2194
To: werner@rascal.ics.UTEXAS.EDU
Subject: add this to your collection of funnies
...
-- Karl --
For your edification and enjoyment, here are a few selected
daffynitions from Ambrose Bierce, " The Devil's Dictionary"
Published 1911, Neale Publishing Co.
=============================================================
Academe: An ancient school where morality and philosophy
were taught.
Academy: A modern school where football is taught.
Accomplice: One associated with another in a crime, having guilty
knowledge and complicity, as an attorney who defends a
criminal, knowing him guilty. This view of the attorney's
position in the matter has not hitherto commanded the
assent of attorneys, no one having offered them a sufficient
fee for assenting.
Accountability: The mother of caution.
Accuse: To affirm another's guilt or unworth; most commonly as a
justification of ourselves for having wronged them.
Alderman: An ingenious criminal who covers his secret thieving
with a pretense of open marauding.
Alliance: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have
their hands so deeply inserted into each others' pockets that
they cannot separately plunder a third.
Back: That part of your friend which it is your privilege to
contemplate in your adversity.
Backbite: To speak of a man as you find him, when he can't
find you.
Bait: A preparation that renders the hook more palatable. The
best kind is beauty.
Beauty: That power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies
a husband.
Belldonna: In Italian, a beautiful lady. In English, a deadly
poison. A striking example of the essential identity of
the two tongues.
Bigot: One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion
that you do not entertain.
Cannon: An instrument used in the rectification of national
boundaries.
Cat: A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be
kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle.
Childhood: The period of human life intermediate between the
idiocy of infancy and the folly of youth -- two removes
from the sin of manhood and three from the remorse of age.
Christian: One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely
inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of
his neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ in
so far as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.
Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit
without individual responsibility.
Day: A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent. This period
is divided into two parts; the day proper, and the night, or
day improper -- the former devoted to sins of business, and
the latter consecrated to the other sort. These two kinds of
social activity overlap.
Deluge: A notable first experiment in baptism which washed away
the sins (and sinners) of the world.
Diplomacy: The patriotic art of lying for one's country.
Education: That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the
fool their lack of understanding.
Egotist: A person of low taste, more interested in themselves
than in me.
Emotion: A prostrating disease caused by the determination of the
heart to the head. It is sometimes accompanied by a copious
discharge of hydrated chloride of sodium from the eyes.
Eulogy: Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth
and power, or the consideration to be dead.
Female: One of the opposing, or unfair, sex.
Fidelity: A vice peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
Forefinger: The finger commonly used in pointing out two malefactors.
Gallows: A stage for the performance of miracle plays, in which
the leading actor is transported to heaven. In this country,
the gallows is chiefly remarkable for the number of persons
who escape it.
Guillotine: A machine which makes the Frenchman shrug his
shoulders with good reason.
Hand: A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and
commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.
Happiness: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating
the misery of another.
Hatred: A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's
superiority.
Helpmate: A wife, or bitter half.
Incompatibility: In matrimony a similarity of tastes, particularly
the taste for domination.
Influence: In politics, a visionary 'quo' given in return for a
substantial 'quid'.
Intimacy: A relation into which fools are providentially drawn
for their mutual destruction.
Joss-sticks: Small sticks burned by the Chinese in their pagan
tomfoolery, in imitation of certain sacred rites of our
holy religion.
Justice: A commodity which (in a more or less adulterated condition)
the State sells to the citizen as a reward for his allegiance,
taxes, and personal service.
Labor: One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
Language: The music with which we charm the serpents guarding
another's treasure.
Lap: One of the most important organs of the female system; an
admirable provision of nature for the repose of infancy,
but chiefly used in rural festivities to support plates
of cold chicken and the heads of adult males. The male of
our species has a rudimentary lap, imperfectly developed and
in no way contributing to the animal's substantial welfare.
Lawyer: One skilled in the circumvention of the law.
Lead: A heavy blue-grey mineral most useful in imparting a sense
of responsibility to those who love not wisely but other
men's wives.
Legacy: A gift from one who is legging it out of this vale of tears.
Liar: A lawyer with a roving commission.
Liberty: One of Imagination's most precious posessions.
Litigation: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as
a sausage.
Liver: A large red organ thoughtfully provided by nature to be
bilious with.
Love: A temporary insanity curable either by marriage or by
removal of the patient from the influences under which
he incurred the disorder... It is sometimes fatal, but
more frequently to the physician than the patient.
Luminary: One who throws light on a subject; as a reporter, by
not writing about it.
Mace: A staff of office signifying authority. Its form, that of a
heavy club, indicates its original purpose and use in
dissuading from dissent.
Machination: The method employed by one's opponents in baffling
one's open and honorable efforts to do the right thing.
Magpie: A bird whose thievish disposition has suggested to some
that it might be taught to talk.
Maiden: A young person of the unfair sex addicted to clueless
conduct and views that madden to crime. The genus has wide
geographical distribution, being found wherever sought and
deplored wherever found. The maiden is not altogether
unpleasing to the eye, nor (without her piano and her views)
insupportable to the ear, though in respect to comeliness
distinctly inferior to the rainbow, and, with regard to
the part of her that is audible, beaten out of the field by
the canary -- which, also, is more portable.
Male: A member of the unconsidered, or negligible, sex. The male
of the human race is commonly known (to the female) as
Mere Man. The genus has 2 varieties: Good Providers and
Bad Providers.
Malefactor: The chief factor in the progress of the human race.
Manicheism: The ancient Persian doctrine of an incessant warfare
between Good and Evil. When Good gave up the fight, the
Persians joined the victorious Opposition.
Marriage: The state or condition of a community consisting of
a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making (in all) two.
Me: The objectional case of "I". The personal pronoun in English
has three cases, the diminutive, the objectional, and the
oppressive. Each is in all three.
Meekness: Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worthwhile.
Mercy: An attribute beloved of detected offenders.
Mine: Belonging to me if I can hold or seize it.
Miracle: An act or event out of the order of nature and unaccountable,
as in beating a normal hand of four kings and an ace with
four aces and a king.
Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses.
Monday: In Christian countries, the day after the ball game.
Mouth: In man, the gateway to the soul; In woman, the outlet of
the heart.
Noise: A stench in the ear. Undomesticated music. The chief
product and authenticating sign of civilization.
Occident: The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient.
It is largely inhabited by Christians, a powerful sub-tribe
of the Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder
and cheating, which they are pleased to call "war" and
"commerce". These, also, are the principal industries of
the Orient.
Overeat: To dine.
Patience: A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.
Pedestrian: The variable (and audible) part of a roadway.
Piety: Reverence for the Supreme Being, based upon His
supposed resemblance to man.
Piracy: Commerce without its folly-swaddles, just as God made it.
Plebescite: A popular vote to ascertain the will of the sovereign.
Plunder: To take the property of another without the decent and
customary reticences of theft. To effect a change of
ownership with the candid concomitance of a brass band.
To wrest the wealth of A from B and leave C lamenting a
missed opportunity.
Pocket: The cradle of motive and the grave of conscience. In woman,
this organ is lacking; so she acts without motive, and her
conscience, denied burial, remains ever alive, confessing
the sins of others.
Politics: A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of
principles. The conduct of public affairs for private
advantage.
Pray: To ask that the laws of the universe be nullified on
behalf of a single petitioner, admittedly unworthy.
Price: Value, plus a reasonable sum for the wear of conscience in
demanding it.
Non-Combatant: A dead Quaker.
Politeness: The most acceptable hypocrisy.
Prescription: A physician's guess at what will best prolong the
situation with least harm to the patient.
Proof: Evidence having a shade more of plausibility than of
unliklihood. The testimony of two credible witnesses as
opposed to that of only one.
Quorum: A sufficient number of members of a deliberative body to
have their own way and their own way of having it. In the
United States Senate a quorum consists of the chairman of the
Committee on Finance and a messenger from the White House;
in the House of Representatives, the Speaker and the devil.
Rabble: In a republic, those who hold supreme power tempered by
fraudulent elections.
Rear: In American military affairs, that exposed part of the army
that is nearest to Congress.
Recollect: To recall with additions something not previously known.
Recount: In American politics, another throw of the dice, accorded
to the player against whom they are loaded.
Repartee: Prudent insult in retort. Practiced by gentlemen with
a constitutional aversion to violence, but a strong
disposition to offend.
Reporter: A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels
it with a tempest of words.
Responsibility: A detachable burden easily shifted to the shoulders
of God, Fate, Fortune, Luck, or one's neighbor. In the days
of astrology, it was customary to unload it upon a star.
Retaliation: The natural rock upon which is reared the Temple
of Law.
Riot: A popular entertainment given to the military by innocent
bystanders.
Rope: An obsolescent appliance for reminding assassins that they
too are mortal. It is put about the neck and remains in
place one's whole life long.
Russian: (1) A person with a Caucasian body and a Mongolian soul.
(2) A Tartar emetic.
Self-Esteem: An erroneous appraisal.
Tariff: A scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect the
domestic producer from the greed of his customer.
Urbanity: The kind of civility that urban observers ascribe to
dwellers in all cities but New York. Its commonest
expression is heard in the words "I beg your pardon",
and it is not inconsistent with disregard of the
rights of others.
Vote: The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make
a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.
Weaknesses: Certain primal powers of Tyrant Woman wherewith
she holds dominion over the male of the species,
binding him to the service of her will, and paralyzing
his rebellious energies.
Witch: (1) An ugly and repulsive old woman, in a wicked
league with the devil. (2) A beautiful and attractive
young woman, in wickedness a league beyond the devil.
Yoke: An implement to whose latin name "jugum" we owe one of
the most illuminating words in our language-- a word
that defines the matrimonial situation with precision,
point, and poignancy.
Zeal: A certain nervous disorder afflicing the young and
inexperienced. A passion that goeth before a sprawl.
One was searching in the dictionary for the word 'Dictionary'.
He Found This meaning:
(Dictionary is the thing you are holding now,Stupid).
Wondering what the definition of stupid was, he
searched for the word Stupid, he found:
(Is that you again?)
He Found This meaning:
(Dictionary is the thing you are holding now,Stupid).
Wondering what the definition of stupid was, he
searched for the word Stupid, he found:
(Is that you again?)
Youngest Son: Tell me Daddy, what is the difference between
"potentially" and "in reality"
Dad: I will show you
Dad turns to his wife and asks her: Would you sleep with Robert Redford for 1 million dollars?
Wife: Yes of course! I would never waste such an opportunity!
Then Dad asks his daughter if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 million dollars?
Daughter: Waoh! Yes! This is my fantasy!
So Dad turns to his elder son and asks him: Would you sleep with Tom
Cruise for 1 million dollars?
Elder Son : Yeah! Why not? Imagine what I could do with 1 million
dollars! I would never hesitate!
So the father turns back to his younger son saying: You see son,
"potentially" we are sitting on 3 million dollars, but "in reality" we
are living with 2 bitches and 1 gay!
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and
civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control
tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an
aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an
American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force,
it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is
an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand
is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday
afternoon."
civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control
tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an
aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an
American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force,
it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is
an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand
is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday
afternoon."
Prime Minister Vajpayee, was awoken at 3am by the telephone. "Sir, it's the
Minister of Health Pramod Mahajan here. Sorry to bother you
at this hour but there is a real emergency! I've just received word
through Advani jee that all three Latex and Durex factories in Kerala,
Assam and Haryana have been burnt down and bombed to the ground by
terrorists. It is estimated that the entire Indian supply of condoms will
be gone by the end of the week."
"What a disaster! The economy will never be able to cope with all those
unwanted babies- we'll be ruined!"
"We're going to have to ship some condoms in from abroad...
"China?..."
"No chance!! The tabloids will have a field day on this one!"
"What about Pakistan?"
"Maybe- but we don't want them to know that we are stuck. Call the
President General Musharaf - tell him we need one million condoms;
coloured gold and green; ten inches long and eight inches thick!
That way they'll know how big the Indian guns really are!!"
Vajpayee called President Musharaf, who agreed to help the India out in
their hour of need. Three days later a flight arrived from
Islamabad-full of boxes. A delighted Vajpayee rushed out to open the boxes.
He found condoms; 10 inches long; 8 inches thick, all coloured green and
gold. He then noticed in small writing on each and every one:-
MADE IN PESHAWAR, PAKISTAN. SIZE : SMALL
Minister of Health Pramod Mahajan here. Sorry to bother you
at this hour but there is a real emergency! I've just received word
through Advani jee that all three Latex and Durex factories in Kerala,
Assam and Haryana have been burnt down and bombed to the ground by
terrorists. It is estimated that the entire Indian supply of condoms will
be gone by the end of the week."
"What a disaster! The economy will never be able to cope with all those
unwanted babies- we'll be ruined!"
"We're going to have to ship some condoms in from abroad...
"China?..."
"No chance!! The tabloids will have a field day on this one!"
"What about Pakistan?"
"Maybe- but we don't want them to know that we are stuck. Call the
President General Musharaf - tell him we need one million condoms;
coloured gold and green; ten inches long and eight inches thick!
That way they'll know how big the Indian guns really are!!"
Vajpayee called President Musharaf, who agreed to help the India out in
their hour of need. Three days later a flight arrived from
Islamabad-full of boxes. A delighted Vajpayee rushed out to open the boxes.
He found condoms; 10 inches long; 8 inches thick, all coloured green and
gold. He then noticed in small writing on each and every one:-
MADE IN PESHAWAR, PAKISTAN. SIZE : SMALL
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A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague
on
the other end of the line.
"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.
"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"
"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, there are
three
doctors there already!"
on
the other end of the line.
"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.
"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"
"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, there are
three
doctors there already!"
Author: Fido Dalmatian, Professor of Doglish, Dog University
LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.
DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.
SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.
GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.
BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.
DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.
WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home
SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.
BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.
LEAN: Every good dogs's response to the command "sit !", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.
BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require.....especially effective when combined with The Sniff. See above.
LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.
LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.
DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.
SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.
GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.
BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.
DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.
WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home
SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.
BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.
LEAN: Every good dogs's response to the command "sit !", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.
BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require.....especially effective when combined with The Sniff. See above.
LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.
Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs. "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush
and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
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An Englishman, an Aussie and a South African are in a bar one night, having a
beer. All of a sudden the South African downs his beer, throws his glass in
the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says:
"In Sath Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the
same one twice."
The Aussie, obviously impressed by this , drinks his beer, throws his glass
into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says:
"Well mate, in 'Straaaaailia we have so much sand to make the glasses that we
don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."
The Englishman, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws
his glass into the air, pulls out his gun, shoots the South African and the
Australian and then says:
"In London we have so many ***ing South Africans and Australians that we
don't need to drink with the same ones twice.
beer. All of a sudden the South African downs his beer, throws his glass in
the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says:
"In Sath Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the
same one twice."
The Aussie, obviously impressed by this , drinks his beer, throws his glass
into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says:
"Well mate, in 'Straaaaailia we have so much sand to make the glasses that we
don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."
The Englishman, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws
his glass into the air, pulls out his gun, shoots the South African and the
Australian and then says:
"In London we have so many ***ing South Africans and Australians that we
don't need to drink with the same ones twice.
* One hand on wheel, one hand out of window : Chicago.
* One hand on wheel, one hand on horn : New York.
* One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot
solidly
on accelerator: Boston.
* Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake,
quivering in terror : Ohio, but driving in California.
* Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on
accelerator,
head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy.
* One hand on horn, one hand greeting, one ear on
cell phone, one ear listening to loud music, foot on
accelerator, eyes on female pedestrians, conversation
with
someone in next car : Welcome to Iran!
* One hand on wheel, one hand on horn : New York.
* One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot
solidly
on accelerator: Boston.
* Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake,
quivering in terror : Ohio, but driving in California.
* Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on
accelerator,
head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy.
* One hand on horn, one hand greeting, one ear on
cell phone, one ear listening to loud music, foot on
accelerator, eyes on female pedestrians, conversation
with
someone in next car : Welcome to Iran!
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Dave, sadly was born without ears. Although successful in business this problem did annoy him greatly. One day he needed to hire a new manager for his company. He set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to know and was very interesting. But at the end of the interview, Dave asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" "Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears," came the reply. Dave did not appreciate his candor and threw him out of the office. The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. But he asked her the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" "Well," she said stammering, "you have no ears." Dave again got upset and chucked her out in a rage. The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch, he was a young man who had recently earned his B.S. He was smart. He was handsome, and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Dave was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" And much to his surprise, the young man answered,"Yes, you wear contact lenses, don't you?" Dave was shocked and realized this was an incredibly observant person. "How in the world did you know that?", he asked. The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no f***ing ears!"
Comments
Make sure this does not happen to you ok?
Embarrassing First Date
This just tells you how hard it is to be single nowadays...
This was on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno on September 7, 1999.
Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date
that a woman ever had. When the winner described her worst
first date experience, there was absolutely no question as to why
her tale took the prize.
Marilyn said it was midwinter...snowing and quite cold.
The guy had taken her skiing to Lake Arrowhead. It was a day trip (no
overnight).
The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed
home late that afternoon. They were driving backdown the mountain
when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that
extra latte.
They were about an hour awayfrom anywhere with a rest room and
in the middle of nowhere.
Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.
Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came
a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee
beside the road, or she would go on the front seat of his car.
They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked
down her pants and started.
Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so
she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her
companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and
indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All
she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather
embarrassing nature of the situation.
Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another
sensation.
As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered
her buttocks were firmly glued to the car's fender. Thoughts of
tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as
she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was
quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the
extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor,
she answered her date's concerns about "what was taking so
long" with a reply that indeed, she was freezing her butt off
and needed some assistance. He came around the car as she tried
to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked
imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She, too, got the
giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves,
they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation
was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it
would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip
of the icy metal. Thinking about what had gotten her into the
predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there
was only one way to get her free so, as she looked the other
way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her
butt off the fender. As for the Tonight Show...she took the prize
hands down...or perhaps that should be "pants down." And you
thought your first date was embarrassing... ? A whole new
definition of being "pissed off."
"Integrity is doing the right thing when no one is watching"
Embarrassing First Date
This just tells you how hard it is to be single nowadays...
This was on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno on September 7, 1999.
Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date
that a woman ever had. When the winner described her worst
first date experience, there was absolutely no question as to why
her tale took the prize.
Marilyn said it was midwinter...snowing and quite cold.
The guy had taken her skiing to Lake Arrowhead. It was a day trip (no
overnight).
The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed
home late that afternoon. They were driving backdown the mountain
when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that
extra latte.
They were about an hour awayfrom anywhere with a rest room and
in the middle of nowhere.
Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.
Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came
a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee
beside the road, or she would go on the front seat of his car.
They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked
down her pants and started.
Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so
she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her
companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and
indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All
she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather
embarrassing nature of the situation.
Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another
sensation.
As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered
her buttocks were firmly glued to the car's fender. Thoughts of
tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as
she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was
quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the
extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor,
she answered her date's concerns about "what was taking so
long" with a reply that indeed, she was freezing her butt off
and needed some assistance. He came around the car as she tried
to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked
imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She, too, got the
giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves,
they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation
was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it
would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip
of the icy metal. Thinking about what had gotten her into the
predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there
was only one way to get her free so, as she looked the other
way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her
butt off the fender. As for the Tonight Show...she took the prize
hands down...or perhaps that should be "pants down." And you
thought your first date was embarrassing... ? A whole new
definition of being "pissed off."
"Integrity is doing the right thing when no one is watching"
Forwarded to Mohanes Anvari with all respects.
looooooooooooool
Parisa J Holmes!!!
******************************
Comprehending Engineers - Take One
******************************
Two engineering students were walking across
campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great
bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was
walking along yesterday minding my own business when a
beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to
the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take
what you want."
"The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good
choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
*****************************
Comprehending Engineers - Take Two
*****************************
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To
the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer,
the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
*******************************
Comprehending Engineers-Take Three
*******************************
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were
waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been
waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but
I've never seen such ineptitude!
"The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the
greenskeeper. Let's have a word
with him." [dramatic pause]
"Hi George. Say, what's with that group
ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a
group of blind firefighters.
They lost their sight saving our club house from
a fire last year, so we always let them play
for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will
say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to
contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's
anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys
play at night?"
*******************************
Comprehending Engineers-Take Four
*******************************
There was an engineer who had an exceptional
gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company
loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years
later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly
impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion
dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else
to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation,
they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of
their problems in the past.The engineer reluctantly took the challenge.
He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he
marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component
of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is".
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.
The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his
service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded briefly:
One chalk mark $1 Knowing where to put it $49,999
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
*****************************
Comprehending Engineers-Take Five
*****************************
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil
Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build
targets.
*****************************
Comprehending Engineers-Take Six
*****************************
Three engineering students were gathered
together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One
said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the
joints," Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous
system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run
a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
*****************************
Comprehending Engineers-Take Seven
*****************************
"Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough
features yet."
----- Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle
**********************************
Comprehending Engineers-Take Eight
**********************************
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing
whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid
foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of
the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like
both."
"Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a
mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with
the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work
done."
**************************************
Comprehending Engineers - Take Nine
**************************************
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called
out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful
princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into
a
beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned
it
to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and
turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you
want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it
back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter?
I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a
week
and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time
for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
looooooooooooool
Parisa J Holmes!!!
******************************
Comprehending Engineers - Take One
******************************
Two engineering students were walking across
campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great
bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was
walking along yesterday minding my own business when a
beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to
the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take
what you want."
"The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good
choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
*****************************
Comprehending Engineers - Take Two
*****************************
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To
the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer,
the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
*******************************
Comprehending Engineers-Take Three
*******************************
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were
waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been
waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but
I've never seen such ineptitude!
"The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the
greenskeeper. Let's have a word
with him." [dramatic pause]
"Hi George. Say, what's with that group
ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a
group of blind firefighters.
They lost their sight saving our club house from
a fire last year, so we always let them play
for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will
say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to
contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's
anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys
play at night?"
*******************************
Comprehending Engineers-Take Four
*******************************
There was an engineer who had an exceptional
gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company
loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years
later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly
impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion
dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else
to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation,
they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of
their problems in the past.The engineer reluctantly took the challenge.
He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he
marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component
of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is".
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.
The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his
service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded briefly:
One chalk mark $1 Knowing where to put it $49,999
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
*****************************
Comprehending Engineers-Take Five
*****************************
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil
Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build
targets.
*****************************
Comprehending Engineers-Take Six
*****************************
Three engineering students were gathered
together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One
said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the
joints," Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous
system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run
a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
*****************************
Comprehending Engineers-Take Seven
*****************************
"Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough
features yet."
----- Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle
**********************************
Comprehending Engineers-Take Eight
**********************************
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing
whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid
foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of
the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like
both."
"Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a
mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with
the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work
done."
**************************************
Comprehending Engineers - Take Nine
**************************************
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called
out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful
princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into
a
beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned
it
to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and
turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you
want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it
back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter?
I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a
week
and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time
for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
I was alone and all was dark
Beneath me and above
My life was full of volts and amps
But not the spark of love
But now that you are here with me
My heart is overjoyed
You've turned the square of my heart
Into a sinusoid
You load things from my memory
Onto my system bus
My life was once assembly code
It's now like C++
I love the way you solder things
My circuits you can fix
The voltage 'cross your diode is
much more than just point six
With your op-amps and resistors
You have built my integrator
I cannot survive without you
You're my function generator
You've changed my world, increased my gain
And made my disceret math
So now I'll end my poem here
Control, Alt, and Delete.
The European Commission has just announced an agreement where by
English will be the official language of the EU rather than German,
which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her
Majesty's government conceded that English spelling had some room for
improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would be known
as "EuroEnglish".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will
make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear
up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words
like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted
to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters,which have
always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the
horible mes of the silent "e"'s in the language is disgraceful, and
they
should go away.
By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"
with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords
containing "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer
kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be
no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu
understandech
ozer.
ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!
And zen ve vil take over ze vorld!!!
English will be the official language of the EU rather than German,
which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her
Majesty's government conceded that English spelling had some room for
improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would be known
as "EuroEnglish".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will
make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear
up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words
like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted
to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters,which have
always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the
horible mes of the silent "e"'s in the language is disgraceful, and
they
should go away.
By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"
with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords
containing "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer
kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be
no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu
understandech
ozer.
ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!
And zen ve vil take over ze vorld!!!
Examples of how English is being used in different
parts of the world:
In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel
towels please. If you are not person to do such
thing is please not to read notis.
In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe
inside the tub.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being
fixed for the next day. During that time we regret
that you will beunbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift
backwards, and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin,
push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should
enter more persons, each one should press a number of
wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by
national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your
values at the front desk.
In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to
complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11
A.M. daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear
with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take
advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a
Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit
the cemetery where famous Russian and Sovietcomposers,
artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to
perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in
the boots of ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave
you nothing tohope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own
make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in
the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef
rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience,
we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a
fit upstairs.
In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit.
Because is big rush we will execute customers in
strict rotation.
Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a
Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic
painters and sculptors. These were executed over the
past two years.
In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool
is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have
thrown in the bulk of their workers.
In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost
to alarm the hotel porter.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is
strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site
that people of different sex, for instance, men and
women, live together in one tent unless they are
married with each other for that purpose.
In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of
entertainingguests of the opposite sex in the
bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for
this purpose.
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth
extracted by the latest Methodists.
A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A
lot of water has been passed under the bridge since
this variation has been played.
In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here
and spend the afternoon having a good time.
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of
our horse-driven city tours -- we guarantee no
miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would
you like to ride on your own ass?
On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: To stop the
drip, turn cock to right.
In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made
for ladies from their own skin.
On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.
Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive
Sideways.
In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice
cream.
In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a
woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
parts of the world:
In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel
towels please. If you are not person to do such
thing is please not to read notis.
In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe
inside the tub.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being
fixed for the next day. During that time we regret
that you will beunbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift
backwards, and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin,
push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should
enter more persons, each one should press a number of
wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by
national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your
values at the front desk.
In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to
complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11
A.M. daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear
with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take
advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a
Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit
the cemetery where famous Russian and Sovietcomposers,
artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to
perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in
the boots of ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave
you nothing tohope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own
make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in
the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef
rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience,
we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a
fit upstairs.
In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit.
Because is big rush we will execute customers in
strict rotation.
Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a
Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic
painters and sculptors. These were executed over the
past two years.
In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool
is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have
thrown in the bulk of their workers.
In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost
to alarm the hotel porter.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is
strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site
that people of different sex, for instance, men and
women, live together in one tent unless they are
married with each other for that purpose.
In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of
entertainingguests of the opposite sex in the
bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for
this purpose.
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth
extracted by the latest Methodists.
A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A
lot of water has been passed under the bridge since
this variation has been played.
In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here
and spend the afternoon having a good time.
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of
our horse-driven city tours -- we guarantee no
miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would
you like to ride on your own ass?
On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: To stop the
drip, turn cock to right.
In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made
for ladies from their own skin.
On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.
Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive
Sideways.
In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice
cream.
In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a
woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
Comments
![[email]](/mailer.php?attach=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.anvari.org%2Fdb%2Ffun%2FMisc%2FEuro_vs_Dollar.gif&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.anvari.org%2Ffun%2FMisc%2FEuro_vs_Dollar.html&subject=Euro vs Dollar)
> > I have one
> >
> > You have one
> >
> >
> > Your mother uses your father's one
> >
> > And your auntie uses your uncle's one
> >
> > A married lady would acquire one
> >
> > But a divorced lady would lose her one
> >
> > Arnold Schwarzenneger has a longer one
> >
> > Michael J. Fox has a shorter one
> >
> > Madonna doesn't have one
> >
> > The Chinese usually have short ones
> >
> > While the Indian usually have long ones
> >
> > Do you have one?
> >
> > How long is your one?
> >
> > Which one is your preferred one?
> >
> >
> > (see below for answer)
> >
> > what you are thinking of! go down......
> >
> > .
> >
> > .
> >
> >
> > .
> >
> > .
> >
> > .
> >
> > .
> >
> > .
> >
> > .
> >
> > .
> >
> > .
> >
> > .
> > Answer : its your Surname, what else !!
> >
> > but I like the way you think .........
> >
> > You have one
> >
> >
> > Your mother uses your father's one
> >
> > And your auntie uses your uncle's one
> >
> > A married lady would acquire one
> >
> > But a divorced lady would lose her one
> >
> > Arnold Schwarzenneger has a longer one
> >
> > Michael J. Fox has a shorter one
> >
> > Madonna doesn't have one
> >
> > The Chinese usually have short ones
> >
> > While the Indian usually have long ones
> >
> > Do you have one?
> >
> > How long is your one?
> >
> > Which one is your preferred one?
> >
> >
> > (see below for answer)
> >
> > what you are thinking of! go down......
> >
> > .
> >
> > .
> >
> >
> > .
> >
> > .
> >
> > .
> >
> > .
> >
> > .
> >
> > .
> >
> > .
> >
> > .
> >
> > .
> > Answer : its your Surname, what else !!
> >
> > but I like the way you think .........
Three men want to become agents for the FBI. After a day of intensive interviews, they are told there is one more test to prove their dedication to the FBI. The head FBI agent takes the first guy into a private room. He hands him a gun and says, "Go into that room and kill your wife." The guy says, "No way," and leaves FBI headquarters. The second guy goes through the same proceedings. He walks into the second room, but on seeing his wife decides that she is worth more than a good job, and he, too, refuses. Finally the third guy is given the gun and told to kill his wife. He walks into the second room and six shots are heard. A few seconds later, the head FBI agent hears crashing and banging from the room. After a few minutes, the guy comes out of the room. "What happened?" asks the FBI agent. "Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks... I had to kill her with the chair."
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas." The barman says, "Wow!, you must have had one hell of a day." "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay." The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!" On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" "Yeah, my wife..."
Comments
![[email]](/mailer.php?attach=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.anvari.org%2Fdb%2Ffun%2FMisc%2FFamous_Stuff_Gradually_Turn_Into_Famous_People.jpg&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.anvari.org%2Ffun%2FMisc%2FFamous_Stuff_Gradually_Turn_Into_Famous_People.html&subject=Famous Stuff Gradually Turn Into Famous People)
Comments
![[email]](/mailer.php?attach=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.anvari.org%2Fdb%2Ffun%2FMisc%2FFarsi_Slang.jpg&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.anvari.org%2Ffun%2FMisc%2FFarsi_Slang.html&subject=Farsi Slang)
3 young boys were trying to figure out whose dad was
the best:
The first boy said, "my dad is so good he can shoot an
arrow run after it, get in front of it and catch it in
his bare hand."
The second boy said, "my dad is so good that he can
shoot a gun, run after the bullet, get in front of it
and catch it in his bare hand."
The third boy said, "I've got you both beat, my dad so
good because he works for the state of Florida. He
gets off work at 5:00pm and is home by 4:30pm."
the best:
The first boy said, "my dad is so good he can shoot an
arrow run after it, get in front of it and catch it in
his bare hand."
The second boy said, "my dad is so good that he can
shoot a gun, run after the bullet, get in front of it
and catch it in his bare hand."
The third boy said, "I've got you both beat, my dad so
good because he works for the state of Florida. He
gets off work at 5:00pm and is home by 4:30pm."
Comments
![[email]](/mailer.php?attach=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.anvari.org%2Fdb%2Ffun%2FMisc%2FFat_Cat.gif&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.anvari.org%2Ffun%2FMisc%2FFat_Cat.html&subject=Fat Cat)
Comments
![[email]](/mailer.php?attach=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.anvari.org%2Fdb%2Ffun%2FMisc%2FFather_Joseph.jpg&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.anvari.org%2Ffun%2FMisc%2FFather_Joseph.html&subject=Father Joseph)
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.
With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you
would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even
an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a
NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.
With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you
would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even
an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a
NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need
to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take
it out on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten
to make. I found the number, and dialed it. A man answered saying,
"Hello?"
I politely said, "This is Fred Hanifin, could I please speak with Robin
Carter?"
Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone
could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number, and called her.
(I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number).
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!"
and hung up.
I wrote his number down, with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in
my
desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a
really
bad day, I'd call him. He'd answer and I'd yell, "You're an asshole!"
It always cheered me up. When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my
therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number
and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company.
I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the caller ID program?"
he yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back
and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"
So, one day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some boy in a black BMW cut me off, and pulled into the spot I had
patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting
for
the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car
window,
so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling
the
first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better
call
the BMW asshole, too.
I dialed and someone said, "Hello?" I said, "Is this the man with the
black BMW for sale?" "Yes it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car's
parked
right out front." "What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen,"
he said. "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home every evening
after five." "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?" "Don, you're an asshole!"
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I
had a problem, I had two assholes to call. But after several months of
calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with
an idea:
I called Asshole #1. "Hello" "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked. "Yeah," I said. "Stop calling me," he
screamed. "Make me," I said. "Who are you?" he asked. "My name is Don
Hansen." "Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house with my black
Beemer our front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had
better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared,
asshole."
Then I called asshole # 2: "Hello?" he said. "Hello Asshole," I said. He
yelled,
"If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll what?" I said. "I'll kick your
ass,"
he exclaimed. I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming
over right now."
Then, I hung up, and immediately called the police saying that I lived at
1802 West 34th Street, and I was on my way over there to kill my gay
lover.
Then, I called Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th
Street.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th St. There, I saw two
assholes
beating the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars, a police
helicopter,
and news crew.
Now, I feel better. - Have a great day!
to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take
it out on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten
to make. I found the number, and dialed it. A man answered saying,
"Hello?"
I politely said, "This is Fred Hanifin, could I please speak with Robin
Carter?"
Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone
could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number, and called her.
(I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number).
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!"
and hung up.
I wrote his number down, with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in
my
desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a
really
bad day, I'd call him. He'd answer and I'd yell, "You're an asshole!"
It always cheered me up. When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my
therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number
and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company.
I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the caller ID program?"
he yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back
and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"
So, one day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some boy in a black BMW cut me off, and pulled into the spot I had
patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting
for
the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car
window,
so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling
the
first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better
call
the BMW asshole, too.
I dialed and someone said, "Hello?" I said, "Is this the man with the
black BMW for sale?" "Yes it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car's
parked
right out front." "What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen,"
he said. "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home every evening
after five." "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?" "Don, you're an asshole!"
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I
had a problem, I had two assholes to call. But after several months of
calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with
an idea:
I called Asshole #1. "Hello" "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked. "Yeah," I said. "Stop calling me," he
screamed. "Make me," I said. "Who are you?" he asked. "My name is Don
Hansen." "Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house with my black
Beemer our front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had
better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared,
asshole."
Then I called asshole # 2: "Hello?" he said. "Hello Asshole," I said. He
yelled,
"If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll what?" I said. "I'll kick your
ass,"
he exclaimed. I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming
over right now."
Then, I hung up, and immediately called the police saying that I lived at
1802 West 34th Street, and I was on my way over there to kill my gay
lover.
Then, I called Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th
Street.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th St. There, I saw two
assholes
beating the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars, a police
helicopter,
and news crew.
Now, I feel better. - Have a great day!
Comments
It was the final examination for an introductory English course
at the local university. The examination was two hours long, and
exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and
told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly
two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. A
half hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the
professor for an exam booklet.
"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor
stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.
"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began
writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams,
and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the
late student, who continued writing. A half hour later, the last
student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk
preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on
the stack of exam booklets already there.
"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late." The
student looked incredulous and angry.
"Do you know WHO I am?"
"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor.
"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" The student asked again.
"No, and I don't care." Replied the professor with an air of
superiority.
"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of
completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of
the room.
at the local university. The examination was two hours long, and
exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and
told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly
two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. A
half hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the
professor for an exam booklet.
"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor
stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.
"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began
writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams,
and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the
late student, who continued writing. A half hour later, the last
student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk
preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on
the stack of exam booklets already there.
"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late." The
student looked incredulous and angry.
"Do you know WHO I am?"
"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor.
"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" The student asked again.
"No, and I don't care." Replied the professor with an air of
superiority.
"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of
completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of
the room.
First-year students at Med School were receiving
their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the
body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them,
"In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important
qualities as a doctor: The first is that you
not be disgusted by anything involving the human
body."
As an example, the Professor pulled back the
sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse,
withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth.
Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his
students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several
minutes, but eventually took
turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead
body and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at
them and told them: "The second most important
quality is observation. I stuck in my middle
finger and sucked on my index finger. Now, learn to pay
attention."
their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the
body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them,
"In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important
qualities as a doctor: The first is that you
not be disgusted by anything involving the human
body."
As an example, the Professor pulled back the
sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse,
withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth.
Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his
students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several
minutes, but eventually took
turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead
body and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at
them and told them: "The second most important
quality is observation. I stuck in my middle
finger and sucked on my index finger. Now, learn to pay
attention."
Comments
![[email]](/mailer.php?attach=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.anvari.org%2Fdb%2Ffun%2FMisc%2FFirst_Flight_Letter.jpg&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.anvari.org%2Ffun%2FMisc%2FFirst_Flight_Letter.html&subject=First Flight Letter)
nto the proctologist's office for his first exam. The
doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would
be with him in just a few minutes. When the man sat down and began
observing the tools. He noticed there were three items on a stand next
to the exam table.
A tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.
When the doctor finally came in the man said, "Look Doc, I'm a little
confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I
know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"
At that the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the
the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his
nurse......Dammit, Helen! I said a BUTT LIGHT!!
doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would
be with him in just a few minutes. When the man sat down and began
observing the tools. He noticed there were three items on a stand next
to the exam table.
A tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.
When the doctor finally came in the man said, "Look Doc, I'm a little
confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I
know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"
At that the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the
the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his
nurse......Dammit, Helen! I said a BUTT LIGHT!!
Comments
If a fly falls in the cup of coffee of
1.. Englishman: Throws his cup away and walks out.
2.. American: Takes the insect out and drinks the coffee.
3.. Chinese: Eats the insect and throws the coffee away.
4.. Japanese: Drinks the coffee with insect as it is coming free.
5.. Palestinian: Sells the coffee to the American and insect to the Chinese and gets a new cup of coffee.
6.. Israeli: Accuses the Palestinian for throwing insect into his coffee, relates the issue to violence. Asks the Americans for Military aid, and takes a loan from America to buy one more cup of coffee.
1.. Englishman: Throws his cup away and walks out.
2.. American: Takes the insect out and drinks the coffee.
3.. Chinese: Eats the insect and throws the coffee away.
4.. Japanese: Drinks the coffee with insect as it is coming free.
5.. Palestinian: Sells the coffee to the American and insect to the Chinese and gets a new cup of coffee.
6.. Israeli: Accuses the Palestinian for throwing insect into his coffee, relates the issue to violence. Asks the Americans for Military aid, and takes a loan from America to buy one more cup of coffee.
An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight
attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them
food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came
swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvin has
asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly,
lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays
that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic
looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those
big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so
the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a
princess. I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant
replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm
called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up bitch."
attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them
food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came
swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvin has
asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly,
lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays
that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic
looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those
big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so
the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a
princess. I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant
replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm
called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up bitch."
A man in a bar has a couple of beers, and the bartender tells
him he owes $4.
"But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.
"Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did."
The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees
that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers
have paid.
The second man then ruses in, orders a beer and later pulls the
same stunt.
The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for
it."
Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and
tells him how to get free drinks.
The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls
when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You
know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were
drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The
next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the
nose."
"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds.
"Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
him he owes $4.
"But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.
"Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did."
The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees
that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers
have paid.
The second man then ruses in, orders a beer and later pulls the
same stunt.
The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for
it."
Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and
tells him how to get free drinks.
The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls
when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You
know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were
drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The
next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the
nose."
"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds.
"Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
Comments
![[email]](/mailer.php?attach=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.anvari.org%2Fdb%2Ffun%2FMisc%2FFree_at_Last_or_the_Sticky_Bunch.gif&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.anvari.org%2Ffun%2FMisc%2FFree_at_Last_or_the_Sticky_Bunch.html&subject=Free at Last or the Sticky Bunch)
>A simple friend has never seen you cry.
>A real friend has shoulders soggy from your tears.
>A simple friend doesn't know your parents' first names
>A real friend has their phone numbers in their address book.
>A simple friend brings a bottle of wine to your party.
>A real friend come early to help you cook and stays late to help you
>clean.
>A simple friend hates it when you call after he/she has gone to bed.
>A real friend ask you why you took so long to call.
>A simple friend seeks to talk with you about your problems.
>A real friend seeks to help you with your problems.
>A simple friend wonders about your romantic history.
>A real friend could blackmail you with it.
>A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest.
>A real friend opens your refrigerator and helps their selves.
>A simple friend thinks the friendship is over when you HAVE an
argument.
>A real friend knows that it's not a friendship until after you've had
a
>fight.
>A simple friend expects you to always be there for them.
>A real friend expects to always be there for you!
>
>Pass this on to anyone you care about.....if you get it back you have
found
>your true friends! A ball is a circle, no beginning no end.
>
>It keeps us together, like our circle of friends. But the treasure
>inside for you to see is the treasure of friendship you've granted to
me.
>Today I pass the friendship ball to you.
>Pass it on to someone who is a friend to you....
>INSTANTLY WHEN YOU RECEIVE THIS LETTER, YOU'RE REQUESTED TO SEND IT TO
AT
>LEAST 10 PEOPLE, INCLUDING THE PERSON WHO SENT IT TO YOU
>A real friend has shoulders soggy from your tears.
>A simple friend doesn't know your parents' first names
>A real friend has their phone numbers in their address book.
>A simple friend brings a bottle of wine to your party.
>A real friend come early to help you cook and stays late to help you
>clean.
>A simple friend hates it when you call after he/she has gone to bed.
>A real friend ask you why you took so long to call.
>A simple friend seeks to talk with you about your problems.
>A real friend seeks to help you with your problems.
>A simple friend wonders about your romantic history.
>A real friend could blackmail you with it.
>A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest.
>A real friend opens your refrigerator and helps their selves.
>A simple friend thinks the friendship is over when you HAVE an
argument.
>A real friend knows that it's not a friendship until after you've had
a
>fight.
>A simple friend expects you to always be there for them.
>A real friend expects to always be there for you!
>
>Pass this on to anyone you care about.....if you get it back you have
found
>your true friends! A ball is a circle, no beginning no end.
>
>It keeps us together, like our circle of friends. But the treasure
>inside for you to see is the treasure of friendship you've granted to
me.
>Today I pass the friendship ball to you.
>Pass it on to someone who is a friend to you....
>INSTANTLY WHEN YOU RECEIVE THIS LETTER, YOU'RE REQUESTED TO SEND IT TO
AT
>LEAST 10 PEOPLE, INCLUDING THE PERSON WHO SENT IT TO YOU
Comments
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Comments
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Question: What is the height of globalization?
Answer: Princess Diana's death!
Question: How come?
Answer:
An English princess
with an Egyptian boyfriend
crashes in a French tunnel,
driving a German car
with a Dutch engine,
driven by a Belgian
who was pissed on Scottish whiskey,
followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,
on Japanese motorcycles,
treated by an American doctor,
using Brazilian medicines!
And this is sent to you by an Iranian
using Bill Gates' technology
which he stole from the Taiwanese!
[of course, this is NOT Bill Gates technology!
his is GW-Basic and Visual Basic, and now VB.NET ]
----
Another version:
AT ITS BEST! (maybe)
Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer: Princess Diana's death.
Question: How come?
Answer: An English princess
with an Egyptian boyfriend
crashes in a French tunnel,
driving a German car
with a Dutch engine,
driven by a Belgian who was drunk
on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling)
followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,
on Japanese motorcycles;
treated by an American doctor,
using Brazilian medicines.
This is sent to you by an American,
using Bill Gate's technology,
and you're probably reading this on your computer,
that use Taiwanese chips,
and a Korean monitor,
assembled by Bangladeshi workers
in a Singapore plant,
transported by Indian lorry-drivers,
hijacked by Indonesians,
unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,
and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....
That, my friends, is Globalization
Answer: Princess Diana's death!
Question: How come?
Answer:
An English princess
with an Egyptian boyfriend
crashes in a French tunnel,
driving a German car
with a Dutch engine,
driven by a Belgian
who was pissed on Scottish whiskey,
followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,
on Japanese motorcycles,
treated by an American doctor,
using Brazilian medicines!
And this is sent to you by an Iranian
using Bill Gates' technology
which he stole from the Taiwanese!
[of course, this is NOT Bill Gates technology!
his is GW-Basic and Visual Basic, and now VB.NET ]
----
Another version:
AT ITS BEST! (maybe)
Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer: Princess Diana's death.
Question: How come?
Answer: An English princess
with an Egyptian boyfriend
crashes in a French tunnel,
driving a German car
with a Dutch engine,
driven by a Belgian who was drunk
on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling)
followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,
on Japanese motorcycles;
treated by an American doctor,
using Brazilian medicines.
This is sent to you by an American,
using Bill Gate's technology,
and you're probably reading this on your computer,
that use Taiwanese chips,
and a Korean monitor,
assembled by Bangladeshi workers
in a Singapore plant,
transported by Indian lorry-drivers,
hijacked by Indonesians,
unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,
and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....
That, my friends, is Globalization
Comments
![[email]](/mailer.php?attach=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.anvari.org%2Fdb%2Ffun%2FMisc%2FGod_At_His_Computer.jpg&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.anvari.org%2Ffun%2FMisc%2FGod_At_His_Computer.html&subject=God At His Computer)
> > > > > > >>> >> > > God's Boxes
> > > > > > >>> >> > >
> > > > > > >>> >> > > I have in my hands two boxes
> > > > > > >>> >> > > Which God gave me to hold.
> > > > > > >>> >> > > He said, "Put all your sorrows in the black box,
> > > > > > >>> >> > > And all your joys in the gold."
> > > > > > >>> >> > >
> > > > > > >>> >> > > I heeded His words, and in the two boxes
> > > > > > >>> >> > > Both my joys and sorrows I stored,
> > > > > > >>> >> > > But though the gold became heavier each day
> > > > > > >>> >> > > The black was as light as before.
> > > > > > >>> >> > >
> > > > > > >>> >> > > With curiosity, I opened the black,
> > > > > > >>> >> > > I wanted to find out why,
> > > > > > >>> >> > > And I saw, in the base of the box, a hole
> > > > > > >>> >> > > Which my sorrows had fallen out by.
> > > > > > >>> >> > >
> > > > > > >>> >> > > I showed the hole to God, and mused,
> > > > > > >>> >> > > "I wonder where my sorrows could be."
> > > > > > >>> >> > > He smiled a gentle smile and said,
> > > > > > >>> >> > > "My child, they're all here with me."
> > > > > > >>> >> > >
> > > > > > >>> >> > > I asked, "God, why give me the boxes,
> > > > > > >>> >> > > Why the gold, and the black with the hole?"
> > > > > > >>> >> > > "My child, the gold is for you to count your blessings,
> > > > > > >>> >> > > The black is for you to let go."
> > > > > > >>> >> > >
> > > > > > >>> >> > > We should consider all of our friends a blessing.
> > > > > > >>> >> > > Send this to a friend today just to let them > > know you are
> > > > > > >>> >> > > Thinking of them and that they are a joy in your life:
> > > > > > >>> >> > > A ball is a circle, no beginning, no end.
> > > > > > >>> >> > > It keeps us together like our Circle of Friends
> > > > > > >>> >> > > But the treasure inside for you to see
> > > > > > >>> >> > > Is the treasure of friendship you've granted to me.
> > > > > > >>> >> > >
> > > > > > >>> >> > > Today I pass the friendship ball to you.
> > > > > > >>> >> > > pass it on to someone who is a friend to you...
> > > > > > >>> >> > > Ok, here goes, instantly when you receive this letter,
> > > > > > >>> >> > > you're requested to send it to at least 10 people,
> > > > > > >>> >> > > including the person who sent it to you.
> > > > > > >>> >> > >
> > > > > > >>> >> > > I have in my hands two boxes
> > > > > > >>> >> > > Which God gave me to hold.
> > > > > > >>> >> > > He said, "Put all your sorrows in the black box,
> > > > > > >>> >> > > And all your joys in the gold."
> > > > > > >>> >> > >
> > > > > > >>> >> > > I heeded His words, and in the two boxes
> > > > > > >>> >> > > Both my joys and sorrows I stored,
> > > > > > >>> >> > > But though the gold became heavier each day
> > > > > > >>> >> > > The black was as light as before.
> > > > > > >>> >> > >
> > > > > > >>> >> > > With curiosity, I opened the black,
> > > > > > >>> >> > > I wanted to find out why,
> > > > > > >>> >> > > And I saw, in the base of the box, a hole
> > > > > > >>> >> > > Which my sorrows had fallen out by.
> > > > > > >>> >> > >
> > > > > > >>> >> > > I showed the hole to God, and mused,
> > > > > > >>> >> > > "I wonder where my sorrows could be."
> > > > > > >>> >> > > He smiled a gentle smile and said,
> > > > > > >>> >> > > "My child, they're all here with me."
> > > > > > >>> >> > >
> > > > > > >>> >> > > I asked, "God, why give me the boxes,
> > > > > > >>> >> > > Why the gold, and the black with the hole?"
> > > > > > >>> >> > > "My child, the gold is for you to count your blessings,
> > > > > > >>> >> > > The black is for you to let go."
> > > > > > >>> >> > >
> > > > > > >>> >> > > We should consider all of our friends a blessing.
> > > > > > >>> >> > > Send this to a friend today just to let them > > know you are
> > > > > > >>> >> > > Thinking of them and that they are a joy in your life:
> > > > > > >>> >> > > A ball is a circle, no beginning, no end.
> > > > > > >>> >> > > It keeps us together like our Circle of Friends
> > > > > > >>> >> > > But the treasure inside for you to see
> > > > > > >>> >> > > Is the treasure of friendship you've granted to me.
> > > > > > >>> >> > >
> > > > > > >>> >> > > Today I pass the friendship ball to you.
> > > > > > >>> >> > > pass it on to someone who is a friend to you...
> > > > > > >>> >> > > Ok, here goes, instantly when you receive this letter,
> > > > > > >>> >> > > you're requested to send it to at least 10 people,
> > > > > > >>> >> > > including the person who sent it to you.
> 1. Q: What's the difference between Biology and
Sociology?
> A: When the baby look like the father, its Biology.
When the baby looks
like
> the neighbor, its Sociology!
>
>
> 2. A wife one evening drew her husband's attention
to the couple next door
> and said, "Do you see that couple ? How loving they
are ?
> He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do
that ? she asked.
>
> The husband replied " I tried once but she slapped
me."
>
>
> 3. The nervous blonde sat on the dentist's chair to
have her tooth
> extracted. Seeing so many instruments, she got
frightened. "Doc, I would
> rather have a baby than have my tooth pulled out."
>
> The dentist retorted, "Well, make up your mind so
that I can adjust the
chair
> accordingly."
>
>
> 4. Q: What is the difference between a good
secretary & an excellent one?
> A: A good secretary says, "Good morning, sir." & an
excellent secretary
says,
> "It's morning, sir."
Sociology?
> A: When the baby look like the father, its Biology.
When the baby looks
like
> the neighbor, its Sociology!
>
>
> 2. A wife one evening drew her husband's attention
to the couple next door
> and said, "Do you see that couple ? How loving they
are ?
> He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do
that ? she asked.
>
> The husband replied " I tried once but she slapped
me."
>
>
> 3. The nervous blonde sat on the dentist's chair to
have her tooth
> extracted. Seeing so many instruments, she got
frightened. "Doc, I would
> rather have a baby than have my tooth pulled out."
>
> The dentist retorted, "Well, make up your mind so
that I can adjust the
chair
> accordingly."
>
>
> 4. Q: What is the difference between a good
secretary & an excellent one?
> A: A good secretary says, "Good morning, sir." & an
excellent secretary
says,
> "It's morning, sir."
Comments
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An Italian, French and Indian went for a job interview in England.
Before the interview, they were told that they must compose a sentence in
English with three main words: green, pink and yellow..
The Italian was first: "I wake up in the morning. I see the yellow
sun. I see the green grass and I think to myself, I hope it will be a pink
day.."
The French was next: " I wake up in the morning, I eat a yellow banana,
a green pepper and in the evening I watch the pink panter on TV..
Last was the Indian, : "I wake up in the morning, I hear the phone
"green green", I "pink" up the phone and I say "Yellow"
Before the interview, they were told that they must compose a sentence in
English with three main words: green, pink and yellow..
The Italian was first: "I wake up in the morning. I see the yellow
sun. I see the green grass and I think to myself, I hope it will be a pink
day.."
The French was next: " I wake up in the morning, I eat a yellow banana,
a green pepper and in the evening I watch the pink panter on TV..
Last was the Indian, : "I wake up in the morning, I hear the phone
"green green", I "pink" up the phone and I say "Yellow"
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A young man had just graduated from Harvard and was so
excited just thinking about his future. He gets into a
taxi and the driver says, "How are you on this lovely day?"
"I'm the Class of 2000 just graduated from Harvard and I
just can't wait to go out there and see what the world
has in store for me."
The driver looks back to shake the young man's hand and says,
"Congratulations, I'm Mitch Class of 1949."
excited just thinking about his future. He gets into a
taxi and the driver says, "How are you on this lovely day?"
"I'm the Class of 2000 just graduated from Harvard and I
just can't wait to go out there and see what the world
has in store for me."
The driver looks back to shake the young man's hand and says,
"Congratulations, I'm Mitch Class of 1949."
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An elderly gentleman of 85 feared his wife was getting hard of hearing.
So one day he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The Doctor made an appointment for a hearing test in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the state of her problem.
'Here's what you do," said the doctor, "start out about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for supper?" No response.
So the husband moved to the other end of the room, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for supper?" Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for supper?" Again he gets no response.
So he walks up to> the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"
(I just love this!)
"Damn it Earl, for the fifth time, CHICKEN!"
So one day he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The Doctor made an appointment for a hearing test in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the state of her problem.
'Here's what you do," said the doctor, "start out about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for supper?" No response.
So the husband moved to the other end of the room, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for supper?" Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for supper?" Again he gets no response.
So he walks up to> the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"
(I just love this!)
"Damn it Earl, for the fifth time, CHICKEN!"
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> > AMERICAN SALARY
> > BRITISH HOME
> > CHINESE FOOD
> > GERMAN CAR
> > IRANIAN WIFE
> >
> > HELL IS WHEN YOU HAVE
> > AMERICAN CAR
> > BRITISH WIFE
> > CHINESE HOME
> > GERMAN FOOD
> > IRANIAN SALARY
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Mother had 3 daughters. They were all getting married within a short time
period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get
started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon
with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card
said nothing but "Nescafe". Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the
kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom
blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the
card read: "Benson & Hedges". Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's
cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King
Size." She was again slightly embarrassed, but still happy for her
daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a
week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole
month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the
words: "British Airways". Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine,
flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for
the airline. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."
Mom fainted.
A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your face and hands."
He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."
The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so she marched over to inquire what was wrong. "Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"
Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing wrong with them!!!"
At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, "Are my test results back???"
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your face and hands."
He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."
The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so she marched over to inquire what was wrong. "Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"
Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing wrong with them!!!"
At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, "Are my test results back???"
How To Cook A Turkey
Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey (scotch)
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for hours
Step 14: Test the lurkey for numbness
Step 15: Take the oven out of the lurkey
Step 16: Floor the lurkey up off of the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself nuther scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of
turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out
"A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $1.37. Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars."
Get rich quick the Chinese method.
Get rich quick the Chinese method.
>
>It's not the fault of the student if he fails,
> because the year has ONLY
> 365' days.
>
> Typical academic year for a student.
>
>
> 1. Fridays -52, Fridays in a year, you know
> Fridays are for rest.
> days left 313.
>
>
> 2. Summer holidays-50 where weather is very hot
> and difficult to study.
> days left 263.
>
>
> 3. 8 hours daily sleep-means 30 days. days left
> 141.
>
>
> 4. 1 hour for daily playing-(good for health)
> means 15 days. days left
> 126.
>
>
> 5. 2 hours daily for food & other delicacies(chew
> properly & eat)-means
> 30days. days left 96.
>
>
> 6. 1 hour for talking (man is a social
> animal)-means 15 days days left
> 81.
>
>
> 7. Exam days per year atleast 35 days. days left
> 46.
>
>
> 8. Quarterly, Half yearly and festival
> (holidays)-40 days.Balance 6 days.
>
>
> 9. For sickness atleast 3 days. remaining days 3.
>
>
> 10. Movies and functions atleast 2 days. 1 day
> left.
>
>
> 11. That 1 day is your birthday. "How can you
> study at that day?" Balance
> days 0
>
>
> "How then can a student pass ?????"
>It's not the fault of the student if he fails,
> because the year has ONLY
> 365' days.
>
> Typical academic year for a student.
>
>
> 1. Fridays -52, Fridays in a year, you know
> Fridays are for rest.
> days left 313.
>
>
> 2. Summer holidays-50 where weather is very hot
> and difficult to study.
> days left 263.
>
>
> 3. 8 hours daily sleep-means 30 days. days left
> 141.
>
>
> 4. 1 hour for daily playing-(good for health)
> means 15 days. days left
> 126.
>
>
> 5. 2 hours daily for food & other delicacies(chew
> properly & eat)-means
> 30days. days left 96.
>
>
> 6. 1 hour for talking (man is a social
> animal)-means 15 days days left
> 81.
>
>
> 7. Exam days per year atleast 35 days. days left
> 46.
>
>
> 8. Quarterly, Half yearly and festival
> (holidays)-40 days.Balance 6 days.
>
>
> 9. For sickness atleast 3 days. remaining days 3.
>
>
> 10. Movies and functions atleast 2 days. 1 day
> left.
>
>
> 11. That 1 day is your birthday. "How can you
> study at that day?" Balance
> days 0
>
>
> "How then can a student pass ?????"
Two men are in court on drug charges. The judge says, "If, over the weekend, you can persuade enough people to give up drugs, I'll let you two off."
Back in court on Monday, the judge asks for their results.
"I persuaded 10 people to give up drugs forever," the first man says.
"That's great," the judge replies. "What did you tell them?"
"I drew two circles; one big, one small. I told them the big circle was their brain before drugs, and the little circle was their brain after drugs."
The other defendant says, "I got 100 people to give up drugs!"
"One hundred! How?" asks the judge.
"Well, I drew the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and said, 'This is your asshole before going to prison on drug charges ...'"
Back in court on Monday, the judge asks for their results.
"I persuaded 10 people to give up drugs forever," the first man says.
"That's great," the judge replies. "What did you tell them?"
"I drew two circles; one big, one small. I told them the big circle was their brain before drugs, and the little circle was their brain after drugs."
The other defendant says, "I got 100 people to give up drugs!"
"One hundred! How?" asks the judge.
"Well, I drew the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and said, 'This is your asshole before going to prison on drug charges ...'"
HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY
1. AT LUNCH TIME, SIT IN YOUR PARKED CAR WITH SUNGLASSES ON AND POINT
A HAIR DRYER AT PASSING CARS. SEE IF THEY SLOW DOWN.
2. PAGE YOURSELF OVER THE INTERCOM, DON'T DISGUISE YOUR VOICE.
3. EVERY TIME SOMEONE ASKS YOU TO DO SOMETHING, ASK IF THEY WANT
THAT SUPER SIZED.
4. PUT YOUR GARBAGE CAN ON YOUR DESK AND LABEL IT "IN."
5. PUT DECAF IN THE COFFEE MAKER FOR 3 WEEKS. ONCE EVERYONE HAS
GOTTEN OVER THEIR CAFFEINE ADDICTIONS, SWITCH TO ESPRESSO.
6. IN THE MEMO FIELD OF ALL YOUR CHECKS, WRITE "FOR SEXUAL FAVORS."
7. FINISH ALL YOUR SENTENCES WITH "IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE PROPHECY."
8. DON'T USE PUNCTUATION
9. AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE, SKIP RATHER THAN WALK.
10. ASK PEOPLE WHAT GENDER THEY ARE.
11. SPECIFY THAT YOUR DRIVE-THROUGH ORDER IS "TO GO."
12. SING ALONG AT THE OPERA.
13. GO TO A POETRY RECITAL AND ASK WHY THE POEMS DON'T RHYME.
14. PUT MOSQUITO NETTING AROUND YOUR WORK AREA & PLAY A TAPE OF
JUNGLE SOUNDS ALL DAY.
15. FIVE DAYS IN ADVANCE, TELL YOUR FRIENDS YOU CAN'T ATTEND THEIR
PARTY BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT IN THE MOOD.
16. HAVE YOUR COWORKERS ADDRESS YOU BY YOUR WRESTLING NAME, ROCK HARD
17. WHEN THE MONEY COMES OUT OF THE ATM, SCREAM "I WON, I WON! 3RD
TIME THIS WEEK!!!!!"
18. WHEN LEAVING THE ZOO, START RUNNING TOWARDS THE PARKING LOT,
YELLING "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES, THEY'RE LOOSE!!"
19. TELL YOUR CHILDREN OVER DINNER, "DUE TO THE ECONOMY, WE ARE
GOING TO HAVE TO LET ONE OF YOU GO."
AND THE FINAL WAY TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY.......
20. SEND THIS E-MAIL TO EVERYONE IN YOUR ADDRESS BOOK, EVEN IF THEY
SENT IT TO YOU.
1. AT LUNCH TIME, SIT IN YOUR PARKED CAR WITH SUNGLASSES ON AND POINT
A HAIR DRYER AT PASSING CARS. SEE IF THEY SLOW DOWN.
2. PAGE YOURSELF OVER THE INTERCOM, DON'T DISGUISE YOUR VOICE.
3. EVERY TIME SOMEONE ASKS YOU TO DO SOMETHING, ASK IF THEY WANT
THAT SUPER SIZED.
4. PUT YOUR GARBAGE CAN ON YOUR DESK AND LABEL IT "IN."
5. PUT DECAF IN THE COFFEE MAKER FOR 3 WEEKS. ONCE EVERYONE HAS
GOTTEN OVER THEIR CAFFEINE ADDICTIONS, SWITCH TO ESPRESSO.
6. IN THE MEMO FIELD OF ALL YOUR CHECKS, WRITE "FOR SEXUAL FAVORS."
7. FINISH ALL YOUR SENTENCES WITH "IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE PROPHECY."
8. DON'T USE PUNCTUATION
9. AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE, SKIP RATHER THAN WALK.
10. ASK PEOPLE WHAT GENDER THEY ARE.
11. SPECIFY THAT YOUR DRIVE-THROUGH ORDER IS "TO GO."
12. SING ALONG AT THE OPERA.
13. GO TO A POETRY RECITAL AND ASK WHY THE POEMS DON'T RHYME.
14. PUT MOSQUITO NETTING AROUND YOUR WORK AREA & PLAY A TAPE OF
JUNGLE SOUNDS ALL DAY.
15. FIVE DAYS IN ADVANCE, TELL YOUR FRIENDS YOU CAN'T ATTEND THEIR
PARTY BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT IN THE MOOD.
16. HAVE YOUR COWORKERS ADDRESS YOU BY YOUR WRESTLING NAME, ROCK HARD
17. WHEN THE MONEY COMES OUT OF THE ATM, SCREAM "I WON, I WON! 3RD
TIME THIS WEEK!!!!!"
18. WHEN LEAVING THE ZOO, START RUNNING TOWARDS THE PARKING LOT,
YELLING "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES, THEY'RE LOOSE!!"
19. TELL YOUR CHILDREN OVER DINNER, "DUE TO THE ECONOMY, WE ARE
GOING TO HAVE TO LET ONE OF YOU GO."
AND THE FINAL WAY TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY.......
20. SEND THIS E-MAIL TO EVERYONE IN YOUR ADDRESS BOOK, EVEN IF THEY
SENT IT TO YOU.
Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a
downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of
$5,000.
The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral. So the man said,
"Well,
then here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce." The loan officer promptly
had the
car driven into the bank's underground parking garage for safekeeping,
and
gave him $5,000.
Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors and asked to
settle
up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal,
and
$15.40 in interest," the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check
and
started to walk away.
"Wait, sir," the loan officer said. "While you were gone, I found out
that
you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow
$5,000?"
The man smiled. "Where else in Manhattan could I park my Rolls-Royce
for two
weeks and pay only $15.40?"
downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of
$5,000.
The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral. So the man said,
"Well,
then here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce." The loan officer promptly
had the
car driven into the bank's underground parking garage for safekeeping,
and
gave him $5,000.
Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors and asked to
settle
up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal,
and
$15.40 in interest," the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check
and
started to walk away.
"Wait, sir," the loan officer said. "While you were gone, I found out
that
you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow
$5,000?"
The man smiled. "Where else in Manhattan could I park my Rolls-Royce
for two
weeks and pay only $15.40?"
"An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much
in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never
achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they
decide to ask the rabbi.
The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the
following suggestion. "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are
making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the
wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."
They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man
and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn't help and
she is still unsatisfied.
Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi."Okay",says the rabbi, "let's try it
reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the
towel over them."
Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed
with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work
with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking,
screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly,
"Now, THAT'S how you wave a towel!"
in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never
achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they
decide to ask the rabbi.
The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the
following suggestion. "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are
making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the
wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."
They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man
and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn't help and
she is still unsatisfied.
Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi."Okay",says the rabbi, "let's try it
reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the
towel over them."
Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed
with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work
with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking,
screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly,
"Now, THAT'S how you wave a towel!"
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A couple of hunters are out in the woods in the deep south when one of
them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, and his eyes
are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the
operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm and soothing voice, says, "Alright, take it
easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is silence, and then a gun shot is heard.
The hunter comes back on the line. "OK. Now what??"
them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, and his eyes
are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the
operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm and soothing voice, says, "Alright, take it
easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is silence, and then a gun shot is heard.
The hunter comes back on the line. "OK. Now what??"
A big city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot a duck off a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it." The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the US and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly ripped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot now it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
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At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are
hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very
easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth"
even when you don't know anything.
The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted
by his mother at the front door he says, "I know the whole
truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just
don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from
work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The
father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a
word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day,
when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets
him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman drops
the mail, opens his arms and says, "Then come give your
FATHER a big hug."
hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very
easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth"
even when you don't know anything.
The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted
by his mother at the front door he says, "I know the whole
truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just
don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from
work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The
father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a
word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day,
when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets
him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman drops
the mail, opens his arms and says, "Then come give your
FATHER a big hug."
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>Many many years ago when I was twenty three,
>I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
>
>This widow had a grown-up daughter
>Who had hair of red.
>My father fell in love with her,
>And soon the two were wed.
>
>This made my dad my son-in-law
>And changed my very life.
>My daughter was my mother,
>For she was my father's wife.
>
>To complicate the matters worse,
>Although it brought me joy,
>I soon became the father
>Of a bouncing baby boy.
>
>My little baby then became
>A brother-in-law to dad.
>And so became my uncle,
>Though it made me very sad.
>
>For if he was my uncle,
>Then that also made him brother
>To the widow's grown-up daughter
>Who, of course, was my step-mother.
>
>Father's wife then had a son,
>Who kept them on the run.
>And he became my grandson,
>For he was my daughter's son.
>
>My wife is now my mother's mother
>And it makes me blue.
>Because, although she is my wife,
>She's my grandmother too.
>
>If my wife is my grandmother,
>Then I am her grandchild.
>And every time I think of it,
>It simply drives me wild.
>
>For now I have become
>The strangest case you ever saw.
>As the husband of my grandmother,
>I am my own grandpa!
>
>I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
>
>This widow had a grown-up daughter
>Who had hair of red.
>My father fell in love with her,
>And soon the two were wed.
>
>This made my dad my son-in-law
>And changed my very life.
>My daughter was my mother,
>For she was my father's wife.
>
>To complicate the matters worse,
>Although it brought me joy,
>I soon became the father
>Of a bouncing baby boy.
>
>My little baby then became
>A brother-in-law to dad.
>And so became my uncle,
>Though it made me very sad.
>
>For if he was my uncle,
>Then that also made him brother
>To the widow's grown-up daughter
>Who, of course, was my step-mother.
>
>Father's wife then had a son,
>Who kept them on the run.
>And he became my grandson,
>For he was my daughter's son.
>
>My wife is now my mother's mother
>And it makes me blue.
>Because, although she is my wife,
>She's my grandmother too.
>
>If my wife is my grandmother,
>Then I am her grandchild.
>And every time I think of it,
>It simply drives me wild.
>
>For now I have become
>The strangest case you ever saw.
>As the husband of my grandmother,
>I am my own grandpa!
>
IDIOTS IN SERVICE: This week, our phones went dead and I had to contact
the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m.
and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the
pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?"
I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that since our
phones weren't working. He also requested that we report future outages
by email.(Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?).
IDIOTS AT WORK: I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase
when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the
credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction
unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was
necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So
I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the
signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would
have it, they matched.
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: I live in a semi-rural area. We recently
had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request
the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: too many deer
were being hit by cars and she didn't want
them to cross there anymore.
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and
ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal
lettuce."
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
IDIOT SIGHTING #1: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an
airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without
your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how
would I know?" She smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
IDIOT SIGHTING #2: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to
cross the street. I was crossing with a coworker of mine when she asked
if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind
people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth
are blind people doing driving?"
IDIOT SIGHTING #3: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker
who is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented
cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word
was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that
deer-in-the-headlights stare.
IDIOT SIGHTING #4: I work with an individual who plugged her power
strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her
system would not turn on.
IDIOT SIGHTING #5: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile
dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in
it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working
feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the
passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered
that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To
which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."
the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m.
and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the
pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?"
I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that since our
phones weren't working. He also requested that we report future outages
by email.(Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?).
IDIOTS AT WORK: I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase
when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the
credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction
unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was
necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So
I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the
signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would
have it, they matched.
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: I live in a semi-rural area. We recently
had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request
the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: too many deer
were being hit by cars and she didn't want
them to cross there anymore.
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and
ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal
lettuce."
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
IDIOT SIGHTING #1: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an
airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without
your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how
would I know?" She smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
IDIOT SIGHTING #2: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to
cross the street. I was crossing with a coworker of mine when she asked
if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind
people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth
are blind people doing driving?"
IDIOT SIGHTING #3: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker
who is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented
cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word
was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that
deer-in-the-headlights stare.
IDIOT SIGHTING #4: I work with an individual who plugged her power
strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her
system would not turn on.
IDIOT SIGHTING #5: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile
dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in
it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working
feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the
passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered
that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To
which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."
Comments
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Comments
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The Perfect Employee?
1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.
Addendum:
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the
report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd
numbered lines.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Funny Thoughts
"The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him."
- Robert Benchley
-------------------------------------------------------------
QUICK WIT:
Teacher: "Well, at least there's one thing I can say about
your son."
Father: "What's that?"
Teacher: "With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating."
***********************************************************************
Interesting Facts
1) In February, the average temperature in the high Arctic is -34 C.
2) Built in 1697, the Frankford Avenue Bridge which crosses Pennypack
Creek
in Philadelphia is the oldest U.S. bridge in continuous use.
3) Flies mate during the first 5 days of life.
4) Each link of the anchor chain on the Titanic was about 80 kg.
5) Polar bears have more problems with overheating than they do with
cold.
Even in very cold weather, they quickly overheat when they try to run.
6) The Great Wall stretches for 6,693 kilometers across North China.
7) The moose is the largest member of the deer family. Its scientific
name
is Alces alces.
8) Gandhi was born in 1869.
9) A new born baby breathes five times faster than an adult man.
10) Johnson & Johnson's "BAND-AID" brand adhesive bandages have been
around
for 75 years.
Interesting Facts
1) Levi Strauss first wanted to sell his denim material to the miners
who
were searching for gold in 1850, in order to make tents and covers for
their
wagons.
2) Noah Ketchup, an American Indian, began selling the tomato sauce
which
his wife used to make. Unfortunately, he made little money from his
invention.
3) John Montague, the fourth Earl of Sandwich, liked gambling but since
he
did not want to stop to eat a meal, he invented sandwiches in the
second
half of the 18th century.
4) Otis P. Walkman's first walkman was rather poor - the device had to
be
pulled behind the wearer on a small wheeled cart.
5) The majority of the men of the 1849 Gold Rush never came back home
and
died in poverty.
6) Thomas Edison, a famous American inventor, was almost deaf, but did
not
want to be operated on because he said his deafness helped him
concentrate
better.
7) The first bicycles were bumpy and had iron rims fitted to wooden
wheels.
8) When bees detect the source of food, they return to the hive and
dance
waving their abdomens to indicate to other bees that they had found
food.
9) If a man is stung by 500 bees, he can die.
10) After eating onion, you should eat two teaspoons of honey in order
to
remove the unpleasant smell of the onion.
1) Jeanne Louise Calment of France, is the oldest fully authenticated
human
that has ever lived. She lived for 122 years and 164 days.
2) Frogs drink and breathe through their skin.
3) Elephants spend approximately 75% of their time feeding. They eat
about
200kg of food per day and produce about 100kg of dung.
4) An elephant's trunk contains more than 50,000 muscles.
5) A car is stolen every 30 seconds in the United States.
6) It is estimated that only 5-10% of the worlds information has been
digitized.
7) When horses lift their heads up high to look at something, they're
looking far into the distance. To see things that are closer, they
lower
their heads.
8) A typical lightning bolt is four to eight centimetres wide and 3
kilometres long.
9) The wristwatch was invented in 1904 by Louis Cartier.
10) When honey is swallowed, it enters the blood stream within 20
minutes.
1) Coffee is the world's most popular stimulant.
2) Bees do not have ears.
3) The chocolate chip cookie was invented in 1933.
4) When John Lennon divorced Julian Lennon's mother Cynthia, Paul
McCartney
composed "Hey Jude", to cheer Julian up.
5) The blue whale is the largest animal on earth.
6) The largest known kidney stone weighed 1.36 kilograms.
7) You can keep mice on a table without a cage because mice are afraid
to
jump off high vertical drops.
8) There are about 420 seats on the standard 747 jumbo jet.
9) The number 4 is the only number in the English language that has the
same
number of letters in its name as its meaning.
10) By age sixty, most people have lost half of their taste buds.
1) Air pollution may contribute to two percent of all deaths in the US, some
50,000 cases per year.2) Lemon sharks grow a new set of teeth every two weeks.
3) There is a course offered at the Univeristy of San Diego, "An
Introduction to Sand Castle Building."4) Belonephobia is the fear of needles.
5) A soccer ball has 32 panels.
6) The city of London was lit by gaslights for the first time in 1807.
7) The fallopian tubes are named for Italian anatomist Gabriel Fallopius.
8) The speed of sound is known as Mach 1.9) The Nile catfish swims upside down.
10) England and Portugal have never had a war with each other.
Interesting Facts
1) The D.C. in Washington D.C. stands for "District of Columbia."
2) Statistics prove that deaf people live longer than hearing people.
3) One third of Canada's population is located within 160 km radius of Toronto.
4)Construction started on the Tower of London in 1078.
5) Elizabeth I of Russia (1762) had over 15,000 dresses.
6) American Samuel F. B. Morse invented the morse code.
7) The world's first iron bridge was built in 1782 at Coalbrookdale, England.
8) Elephants sleep about two hours a day.
9) Queen Catherine Howard, the fifth wife of Henry VIII, practiced her own
execution with an axe and block in her cell.
10) McDonalds uses beef extract to flavor their french fries.
1) Jeanne Louise Calment of France, is the oldest fully authenticated human
that has ever lived. She lived for 122 years and 164 days.
2) Frogs drink and breathe through their skin.
3) Elephants spend approximately 75% of their time feeding. They eat about
200kg of food per day and produce about 100kg of dung.
4) An elephant's trunk contains more than 50,000 muscles.
5) A car is stolen every 30 seconds in the United States.
6) It is estimated that only 5-10% of the worlds information has been digitized.
7) When horses lift their heads up high to look at something, they're
looking far into the distance. To see things that are closer, they lower
their heads.8) A typical lightning bolt is four to eight centimetres wide and 3
kilometres long.9) The wristwatch was invented in 1904 by Louis Cartier.
10) When honey is swallowed, it enters the blood stream within 20 minutes
CAUCASIAN WOMAN:
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex in the missionary position.
BLACK WOMAN:
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: Your get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive
dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you!
IRISH WOMAN:
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
MIDDLE EASTERN WOMAN:
First Date: You fill out the mandatory family questionnaire listing all
your
assets.
Second Date: You go out to the park with her and her whole family comes
along.
Third Date: She claims she's a virgin and refuses to have sex with you.
Fourth Date: She makes up for the past ten years of sexual deprivation
in
one night. You're rushed to a hospital for exhaustion.
KOREAN WOMAN:
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but nothing
happens
again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you have already
realized nothing is going to happen.
IRANIAN WOMAN:
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex in the missionary position.
BLACK WOMAN:
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: Your get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive
dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you!
IRISH WOMAN:
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
MIDDLE EASTERN WOMAN:
First Date: You fill out the mandatory family questionnaire listing all
your
assets.
Second Date: You go out to the park with her and her whole family comes
along.
Third Date: She claims she's a virgin and refuses to have sex with you.
Fourth Date: She makes up for the past ten years of sexual deprivation
in
one night. You're rushed to a hospital for exhaustion.
KOREAN WOMAN:
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but nothing
happens
again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you have already
realized nothing is going to happen.
IRANIAN WOMAN:
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Comments
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Internet Relay Chat
(Sung to the tune of "Hotel California")
On a dark winter's evening, the web to explore
Warm Domino's Pizza arriving at the door,
Up a ways in the listings, one more channel had been born,
I was curious and my interest peeked, so I quickly typed /join.
There she sat on the channel - I was home, I could tell.
And I was thinking to myself, 'This could be Heaven or this could be Hell'
Then she messaged me a greeting and welcomed me that day
There were no voices on the channel, I thought I heard them say.....
Welcome to the Internet Relay Chat,
Such a lovely place (such a lovely place),
Plenty of room on the Internet Relay Chat,
Any time of year, you can find us here.
Her mind is banter-twisted, the channel she tried to defend,
She's got a lot of witty, witty boys, that she calls friends,
How they fight on the channel, all without regret.
Some come to remember, some come to forget.
So I /queried the operator, 'Please make me an op!'
He said, 'We haven't had that priviledge here since my nick moved to the top',
And still those /queries are calling from far away.
Wake you up in the middle of the night, just to hear them say.......
Welcome to the Internet Relay Chat.
Such a lovely Place (such a lovely pace).
They're chattin' it up on the Internet Relay Chat.
What a nice surprise, bring your alibis.
Fights on the channels, bots will never suffice -
And she said 'We are all just prisoners here, of our own device',
And in the private meetings, they gathered for the feast.
They fight it with their battle scripts, but they just can't kill the beast.
Last thing I remember, I was running for the door,
I had to find the passage back to the place I was before.
'K-lined!' said the IRCop, We rule! no reprieve.
You can log off any time you like, but you can never leave.
(Sung to the tune of "Hotel California")
On a dark winter's evening, the web to explore
Warm Domino's Pizza arriving at the door,
Up a ways in the listings, one more channel had been born,
I was curious and my interest peeked, so I quickly typed /join.
There she sat on the channel - I was home, I could tell.
And I was thinking to myself, 'This could be Heaven or this could be Hell'
Then she messaged me a greeting and welcomed me that day
There were no voices on the channel, I thought I heard them say.....
Welcome to the Internet Relay Chat,
Such a lovely place (such a lovely place),
Plenty of room on the Internet Relay Chat,
Any time of year, you can find us here.
Her mind is banter-twisted, the channel she tried to defend,
She's got a lot of witty, witty boys, that she calls friends,
How they fight on the channel, all without regret.
Some come to remember, some come to forget.
So I /queried the operator, 'Please make me an op!'
He said, 'We haven't had that priviledge here since my nick moved to the top',
And still those /queries are calling from far away.
Wake you up in the middle of the night, just to hear them say.......
Welcome to the Internet Relay Chat.
Such a lovely Place (such a lovely pace).
They're chattin' it up on the Internet Relay Chat.
What a nice surprise, bring your alibis.
Fights on the channels, bots will never suffice -
And she said 'We are all just prisoners here, of our own device',
And in the private meetings, they gathered for the feast.
They fight it with their battle scripts, but they just can't kill the beast.
Last thing I remember, I was running for the door,
I had to find the passage back to the place I was before.
'K-lined!' said the IRCop, We rule! no reprieve.
You can log off any time you like, but you can never leave.
A concerned patient asked the doctor if masturbation is harmful.
"Not usually," answered the doctor. "Not unless you do it too often."
"How about three times a day?" the patient asked.
"That seems a little excessive. Why don't you get a girlfriend?"
"Oh,... I already have a girlfriend," the patient replied.
"I mean a girl you can live with and have sex with?" asked the doctor.
The patient said, "I've got one just like that!"
So the doctor asked, "Then why do you masturbate three times a day?"
"Because,... she won't have sex during mealtimes!"
"Not usually," answered the doctor. "Not unless you do it too often."
"How about three times a day?" the patient asked.
"That seems a little excessive. Why don't you get a girlfriend?"
"Oh,... I already have a girlfriend," the patient replied.
"I mean a girl you can live with and have sex with?" asked the doctor.
The patient said, "I've got one just like that!"
So the doctor asked, "Then why do you masturbate three times a day?"
"Because,... she won't have sex during mealtimes!"
> > > >It's so simple...
> > > >
> > > >To make a woman happy, men just have to be:
> > > >
> > > >A friend...
> > > >A partner...
> > > >A lover...
> > > >A brother...
> > > >A father...
> > > >A teacher...
> > > >A cook...
> > > >A carpenter...
> > > >A mechanic...
> > > >A plumber...
> > > >An interior decorator...
> > > >A stylist...
> > > >An electrician...
> > > >A sex therapist...
> > > >A psychologist...
> > > >A psychiatrist...
> > > >A therapist...
> > > >Handsome...
> > > >Athletic...
> > > >Caring...
> > > >Loving...
> > > >Affectionate...
> > > >A gentleman...
> > > >Intelligent...
> > > >Creative...
> > > >Sweet...
> > > >Strong...
> > > >Understanding...
> > > >Tolerant...
> > > >Prudent...
> > > >Ambitious...
> > > >Capable...
> > > >Trustworthy...
> > > >Respectful...
> > > >Romantic...
> > > >And most of all passionate...
> > > >
> > > >And you must pay attention to:
> > > >Make sure you are not jealous...
> > > >Make sure you are interested...
> > > >Get along with your family, but dedicate most of your
> > > time to her...
> > > >Get along with her family...
> > > >Give her space, but show her you care where she
> > > was...
> > > >
> > > >It is very important that:
> > > >You do not forget birthdays and anniversaries (your
> > > first date, your
> > > >first kiss, when you started dating, when you got
> > > engaged, when you got
> > > >married).
> > > >
> > > >You get the idea. It is THAT simple!
> > >
> > >
> > > >
> > > >To make a woman happy, men just have to be:
> > > >
> > > >A friend...
> > > >A partner...
> > > >A lover...
> > > >A brother...
> > > >A father...
> > > >A teacher...
> > > >A cook...
> > > >A carpenter...
> > > >A mechanic...
> > > >A plumber...
> > > >An interior decorator...
> > > >A stylist...
> > > >An electrician...
> > > >A sex therapist...
> > > >A psychologist...
> > > >A psychiatrist...
> > > >A therapist...
> > > >Handsome...
> > > >Athletic...
> > > >Caring...
> > > >Loving...
> > > >Affectionate...
> > > >A gentleman...
> > > >Intelligent...
> > > >Creative...
> > > >Sweet...
> > > >Strong...
> > > >Understanding...
> > > >Tolerant...
> > > >Prudent...
> > > >Ambitious...
> > > >Capable...
> > > >Trustworthy...
> > > >Respectful...
> > > >Romantic...
> > > >And most of all passionate...
> > > >
> > > >And you must pay attention to:
> > > >Make sure you are not jealous...
> > > >Make sure you are interested...
> > > >Get along with your family, but dedicate most of your
> > > time to her...
> > > >Get along with her family...
> > > >Give her space, but show her you care where she
> > > was...
> > > >
> > > >It is very important that:
> > > >You do not forget birthdays and anniversaries (your
> > > first date, your
> > > >first kiss, when you started dating, when you got
> > > engaged, when you got
> > > >married).
> > > >
> > > >You get the idea. It is THAT simple!
> > >
> > >
Comments
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A black Jewish kid says to his mom, "Mom, am I more black or more
Jewish?"
His mom says, "Well, that's a very good question. You should ask your
father."
When his dad gets home, the kid confronts him. "Dad, am I more Jewish
or
more black?"
Dad replies, "That's a heck of a question, son. May I ask why you want
to
know?"
So the kid says, "Well, Tommy down the street is selling his bike for
$15,
and I don't know whether to Jew him down to $10 or just steal the
thing."
Jewish?"
His mom says, "Well, that's a very good question. You should ask your
father."
When his dad gets home, the kid confronts him. "Dad, am I more Jewish
or
more black?"
Dad replies, "That's a heck of a question, son. May I ask why you want
to
know?"
So the kid says, "Well, Tommy down the street is selling his bike for
$15,
and I don't know whether to Jew him down to $10 or just steal the
thing."
Is It Better To Be a Jock or a Nerd?
$ Michael Jordan having "retired," with $40 million in endorsements,
makes
$178,100 a day, working or not.
$ If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while
visions
of sugarplums dance in his head.
$ If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make
$18,550
while he's there.
$ If he decides to have a 5-minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling
it.
$ He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.
$ He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.
$ If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take
him a
whole 12 hours.
$ If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they
would
have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.
$ He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be
reimbursed $33,390 for that round.
$ Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax
deferred account (401k), his contributions will hit the federal cap of
$9500
at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st.
$ If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you'd be
living
comfortably at $65,000 a year.
$ He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the
Olympics,
and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.
$ While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his
trendy
Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.
$ This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past
presidents
for all of their terms combined. Amazing isn't it? However...
$ If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 450 years, he'll
still
have less than Bill Gates has today.
$$$ Game over. Nerd wins.
$ Michael Jordan having "retired," with $40 million in endorsements,
makes
$178,100 a day, working or not.
$ If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while
visions
of sugarplums dance in his head.
$ If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make
$18,550
while he's there.
$ If he decides to have a 5-minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling
it.
$ He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.
$ He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.
$ If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take
him a
whole 12 hours.
$ If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they
would
have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.
$ He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be
reimbursed $33,390 for that round.
$ Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax
deferred account (401k), his contributions will hit the federal cap of
$9500
at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st.
$ If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you'd be
living
comfortably at $65,000 a year.
$ He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the
Olympics,
and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.
$ While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his
trendy
Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.
$ This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past
presidents
for all of their terms combined. Amazing isn't it? However...
$ If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 450 years, he'll
still
have less than Bill Gates has today.
$$$ Game over. Nerd wins.
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Oxford Dictionary's latest definition of the
following words:
Divorce : Future tense of marriage.
Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper
with fire at one end & a fool on the other.
Lecture : An art of transferring information
from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the
students without passing through "the minds of
either"
Conference : The confusion of one man
multiplied by the number present.
Tears : The hydraulic force by which
masculine willpower is defeated by feminine
waterpower...
Conference Room : A place where everybody talks,
nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Office : A place where you can relax after
your strenuous home life.
Yawn : The only time some married men
ever get to open their mouth.
Etc : A sign to make others believe that you
know more than you actually do.
Committee : Individuals who can do nothing
individually and sit to decide that nothing can be
done together.
Experience : The name men give to their
mistakes.
Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during
life, to be spoken of when dead.
Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if
he accidentally falls into a river.
Optimist : A person who while falling from
Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured
yet."
Miser : A person who lives poor so that he
can die rich.
Criminal : A guy no different from the
rest....except that he got caught.
Doctor : A person who kills your ills by
pills, and kills you with his bills.
following words:
Divorce : Future tense of marriage.
Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper
with fire at one end & a fool on the other.
Lecture : An art of transferring information
from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the
students without passing through "the minds of
either"
Conference : The confusion of one man
multiplied by the number present.
Tears : The hydraulic force by which
masculine willpower is defeated by feminine
waterpower...
Conference Room : A place where everybody talks,
nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Office : A place where you can relax after
your strenuous home life.
Yawn : The only time some married men
ever get to open their mouth.
Etc : A sign to make others believe that you
know more than you actually do.
Committee : Individuals who can do nothing
individually and sit to decide that nothing can be
done together.
Experience : The name men give to their
mistakes.
Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during
life, to be spoken of when dead.
Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if
he accidentally falls into a river.
Optimist : A person who while falling from
Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured
yet."
Miser : A person who lives poor so that he
can die rich.
Criminal : A guy no different from the
rest....except that he got caught.
Doctor : A person who kills your ills by
pills, and kills you with his bills.
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While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen.
He
asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to
surround
herself with intelligent people.
He asks how she knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them
the
right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."
She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this
question:
Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is
not
your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up
and
says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"
"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman
of the
Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms
to
the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a
question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?" "Uhh, your mother has a
child,
and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your
sister. Who is it?"
Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get
back to
you?" Bush agrees, and Helms leaves.
Helms immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators,
and
they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up
with
an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the
State
Department and explains his problem.
"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a
child,
and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Powell
answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb cracker."
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I
know
the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"
And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, it's Tony Blair."
He
asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to
surround
herself with intelligent people.
He asks how she knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them
the
right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."
She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this
question:
Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is
not
your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up
and
says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"
"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman
of the
Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms
to
the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a
question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?" "Uhh, your mother has a
child,
and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your
sister. Who is it?"
Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get
back to
you?" Bush agrees, and Helms leaves.
Helms immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators,
and
they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up
with
an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the
State
Department and explains his problem.
"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a
child,
and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Powell
answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb cracker."
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I
know
the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"
And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, it's Tony Blair."
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Learn Chinese in 5 minutes... (YOU MUST read them out loud)
---
1) That's not right ......... Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harbouring a fugitive?..... Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP..........Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man ..............Dum Gai
5) Small Horse ...........Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach? ........Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table ........Ai Bang Mai Ni
8) I think you need a face lift .......Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here .....Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet ......Wai Yu Mun Ching?
11) This is a tow away zone .......No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week ........Wai Yu Kum Nao?
13) Staying out of sight .........Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile ..... Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive .......Yu Stin Ki Pu
---
1) That's not right ......... Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harbouring a fugitive?..... Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP..........Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man ..............Dum Gai
5) Small Horse ...........Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach? ........Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table ........Ai Bang Mai Ni
8) I think you need a face lift .......Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here .....Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet ......Wai Yu Mun Ching?
11) This is a tow away zone .......No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week ........Wai Yu Kum Nao?
13) Staying out of sight .........Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile ..... Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive .......Yu Stin Ki Pu
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Diagram I
|
RELATION TO EGO |
CHINESE TERM |
ENGLISH TERM |
|
Paternal grandfather Maternal grandfather |
Zu fu Wai zu fu |
Grandfather |
|
Paternal grandmother Maternal grandmother |
Zu mu Wai zu mu |
Grandmother |
|
Father |
Fu qin |
Father |
|
Mother |
Mu qin |
Mother |
|
Son |
Er zi |
Son |
|
Daughter |
Nu er |
Daughter |
|
Son.s son Daughter.s son |
Sun zi Wai sun |
Grandson |
|
Son.s daughter Daughter.s daughter |
Sun nu Wai sun nu |
Granddaughter |
Diagram II
|
RELATION TO EGO |
CHINESE TERM |
ENGLISH TERM |
|
Father.s elder brother Father.s younger brother Father.s sister.s husband Mother.s brother Mother.s sister.s husband |
Bo fu Shu fu Gu fu Jiu fu Yi fu |
Uncle |
|
Father.s elder brother.s wife Father.s younger brother.s wife Father.s sister Mothers brother.s wife Mother.s sister |
Bo mu Shu mu Gu mu Jiu mu Yi mu |
Aunt |
Diagram III
|
RELATION TO EGO |
CHINESE TERM |
ENGLISH TERM |
|
Elder brother Younger brother |
Ge ge Di di |
Brother |
|
Elder sister.s husband Younger sister.s husband |
Jie fu Mei fu |
Brother-in-law |
|
Elder sister Younger sister |
Jie jie Mei mei |
Sister |
|
Elder brother.s wife Younger brother.s wife |
Sao zi Di mei |
Sister-in-law |
Diagram IV
|
RELATION TO EGO |
AGE TO EGO |
CHINESE TERM |
ENGLISH TERM |
|
Father.s brother.s son Father.s sister.s son Mother.s brother.s son Mother.s sister.s son Father.s brother.s daughter Father.s sister.s daughter Mother.s brother.s daughter Mother.s sister.s daughter |
Older Younger Older Younger Older Younger Older Younger Older Younger Older Younger Older Younger Older younger |
Tang ge Tang di Gu biao ge Gu biao di Jiu biao ge Jiu biao di Yi biao ge Yi biao di Tang jie Tang mei Gu biao jie Gu biao mei Jiu biao jie Jiu biao mei Yi biao jie Yi biao mei |
Cousin |
Diagram V
|
RELATION TO EGO |
CHINESE TERM |
ENGLISH TERM |
|
Brother.s son Sister.s son Wife.s sibling.s son |
Tang zhi Wai sheng Biao zhi |
Nephew |
|
Brother.s daughter Sister.s daughter Wife.s sibling.s daughter |
Tang zhi nu Wai sheng nu Biao zhi nu |
Niece |
>DEAR WHITE FELLA,
>
>COUPLA THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW
>
>WHEN I BORN, I BLACK
>WHEN I GROW UP, I BLACK
>WHEN I GO IN SUN, I BLACK
>WHEN I COLD, I BLACK
>WHEN I SCARED, I BLACK
>WHEN I SICK, I BLACK
>AND WHEN I DIE, I STILL BLACK
>
>AND YOU WHITE FELLA,
>WHEN YOU BORN, YOU PINK
>WHEN YOU GROW UP, YOU WHITE
>WHEN YOU GO IN SUN, YOU RED
>WHEN YOU COLD, YOU BLUE
>WHEN YOU SCARED, YOU YELLOW
>WHEN YOU SICK, YOU GREEN
>WHEN YOU DIE, YOU GRAY.
>
>AND YOU CALLING ME COLORED???
>
>COUPLA THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW
>
>WHEN I BORN, I BLACK
>WHEN I GROW UP, I BLACK
>WHEN I GO IN SUN, I BLACK
>WHEN I COLD, I BLACK
>WHEN I SCARED, I BLACK
>WHEN I SICK, I BLACK
>AND WHEN I DIE, I STILL BLACK
>
>AND YOU WHITE FELLA,
>WHEN YOU BORN, YOU PINK
>WHEN YOU GROW UP, YOU WHITE
>WHEN YOU GO IN SUN, YOU RED
>WHEN YOU COLD, YOU BLUE
>WHEN YOU SCARED, YOU YELLOW
>WHEN YOU SICK, YOU GREEN
>WHEN YOU DIE, YOU GRAY.
>
>AND YOU CALLING ME COLORED???
A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter over the
bed. With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that eloped with my new boyfriend.
I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercings and
tattoos and his big motorcycle.
But it's not only that mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we
will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more
children with me and that's one of my dreams.
I've learned that marihuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his friends,
who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasies we may want.
In the meantime, we'll pray for the science to find the AIDS cure,
for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it.
Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care
of myself. Some day I'll visit for you to know your grandchildren.
Your daughter,
Judith
PS: Mom, it's not true. I'm at the neighbor's house. I just wanted
to show you that there are worst things in life than the school's report
card that's in my desk's drawer...I love you!
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1. It hurts to love someone
and not be loved in return,
But what is more painful is
to love someone and never find the courage
to let that person know how you feel.
2. A sad thing in life is
when you meet someone who means a
lot to you, only to find out in the end that it was
never meant to be and you just have to let go.
3. The best kind of friend
is the kind you can sit on a porch
swing with, never say a word, and then walk
away feeling like it was the best conversation
you've ever had.
4. It's true that we don't know what
we've got until we lose it, but
it's also true that we don't know what we've
been missing until it arrives.
5. It takes only a minute
to get a crush on someone, an hour to
like someone, and a day to love someone- but it takes
a lifetime to forget someone.
6. Don't go for looks; they can deceive. Don't go
for wealth; even that fades away.
Go for someone who makes you smile because it
takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright.
7. Dream what you want to dream; go where you want
to go; be what you want to be, because you have only
one life and one chance to do all the things you want to
do.
8. Always put yourself in the other's shoes. If you
feel that it hurts you, it probably hurts the person too.
9. A careless word may kindle strife; a cruel word may
wreck a life; a timely word may level stress; a loving
word may heal and bless.
10. The happiest of people don't necessarily have the
best of everything they just make the most of everything
that comes along their way.
11. Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, ends
with a tear.
When you were born, you were crying and everyone around
you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die,
you're the one smiling and everyone around you is crying.
Send this to your friends and send it back to the person
who sent it to you. Print this out and keep it in your
pocket or purse and pull it out whenever you need a
hint for Life. Always remember:
- Life is precious, don't let it slip by.
and not be loved in return,
But what is more painful is
to love someone and never find the courage
to let that person know how you feel.
2. A sad thing in life is
when you meet someone who means a
lot to you, only to find out in the end that it was
never meant to be and you just have to let go.
3. The best kind of friend
is the kind you can sit on a porch
swing with, never say a word, and then walk
away feeling like it was the best conversation
you've ever had.
4. It's true that we don't know what
we've got until we lose it, but
it's also true that we don't know what we've
been missing until it arrives.
5. It takes only a minute
to get a crush on someone, an hour to
like someone, and a day to love someone- but it takes
a lifetime to forget someone.
6. Don't go for looks; they can deceive. Don't go
for wealth; even that fades away.
Go for someone who makes you smile because it
takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright.
7. Dream what you want to dream; go where you want
to go; be what you want to be, because you have only
one life and one chance to do all the things you want to
do.
8. Always put yourself in the other's shoes. If you
feel that it hurts you, it probably hurts the person too.
9. A careless word may kindle strife; a cruel word may
wreck a life; a timely word may level stress; a loving
word may heal and bless.
10. The happiest of people don't necessarily have the
best of everything they just make the most of everything
that comes along their way.
11. Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, ends
with a tear.
When you were born, you were crying and everyone around
you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die,
you're the one smiling and everyone around you is crying.
Send this to your friends and send it back to the person
who sent it to you. Print this out and keep it in your
pocket or purse and pull it out whenever you need a
hint for Life. Always remember:
- Life is precious, don't let it slip by.
A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom, they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints. Before it got out of hand, he thought of a way to stop it.
He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm. They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them. The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was, and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean. The custodian then demonstrated. He took a brush on a long handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and scrubbed the lipstick stains. And that was the very last day that the girls pressed their lips on the mirror!
He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm. They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them. The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was, and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean. The custodian then demonstrated. He took a brush on a long handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and scrubbed the lipstick stains. And that was the very last day that the girls pressed their lips on the mirror!
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she
slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while
she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?"
When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated
in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Mary and the teacher said, "Very good,"
and Mary fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"
But, Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny
came to the rescue and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted
Mary and the teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. "What did Eve say to
Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny Jabbed
her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick
that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
The Teacher fainted.
slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while
she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?"
When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated
in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Mary and the teacher said, "Very good,"
and Mary fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"
But, Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny
came to the rescue and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted
Mary and the teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. "What did Eve say to
Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny Jabbed
her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick
that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
The Teacher fainted.
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered
over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he
politely asked, "What are you doing there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've
just buried him."
The neighbor was very concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a
goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied,
"That's because he's inside your fucking cat."
over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he
politely asked, "What are you doing there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've
just buried him."
The neighbor was very concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a
goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied,
"That's because he's inside your fucking cat."
You're from California if:
1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a
conversation in English.
4. Your child's third-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is
named Breeze.
5. You can't remember...is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are
grown and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
8. You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
9. You can't remember.....is pot illegal?
10. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
11. A low-speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.
12. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
13 . A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps.
You don't even notice.
14. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing the
baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney.
15. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
16. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who
delivers your mail is into S&M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
17. You can't remember...is pot illegal?
18. It's barely sprinkling rain, and there's a report on every news
station about "STORM WATCH 2003."
19. You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks
himself is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class.
20. You pass an elementary school playground, and the children are all
busy with their cell phones or pagers.
21. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour
early to avoid all of the we ather-related accidents.
22. Hey!!!! Is Pot Illegal????
23. Both you AND your dog have and need therapists.
1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a
conversation in English.
4. Your child's third-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is
named Breeze.
5. You can't remember...is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are
grown and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
8. You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
9. You can't remember.....is pot illegal?
10. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
11. A low-speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.
12. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
13 . A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps.
You don't even notice.
14. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing the
baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney.
15. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
16. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who
delivers your mail is into S&M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
17. You can't remember...is pot illegal?
18. It's barely sprinkling rain, and there's a report on every news
station about "STORM WATCH 2003."
19. You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks
himself is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class.
20. You pass an elementary school playground, and the children are all
busy with their cell phones or pagers.
21. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour
early to avoid all of the we ather-related accidents.
22. Hey!!!! Is Pot Illegal????
23. Both you AND your dog have and need therapists.
> >>January
> >> Moved to Silicon Valley for a job.
> >> My salary is 30% higher!
> >> I have stock options!
> >> The temperature outside is 65F in winter!
> >> California is the best place on earth!!!
> >>
> >>
> >>February
> >>
> >> Still looking for an apartment.
> >> Freeways everywhere to take you places.
> >> Still love California!
> >>March
> >>
> >> Found a 1 bedroom apartment for $1900/mo.
> >> California is more expensive than I thought.
> >>April
> >>
> >> Gas hit $2.29/gal.
> >> Somebody stole the gas from my car.
> >> This sucks....
> >>
> >>May
> >>
> >> A small earthquake!
> >> And this is what my mother was so worried about?
> >> Almost didn't feel it.
> >>June
> >>
> >> A forest fire and a mud slide near LA.
> >> Who cares, that is far away from me!
> >>
> >>July
> >>
> >> A big earthquake...
> >> Spent 4 hours in my bathtub.
> >> Boy, that was scary.
> >> We had no stinking earthquakes where I came from.
> >>
> >>August
> >>
> >> Drought! They turn on the water once a day.
> >> This sucks big time!
> >> Somebody stole the water from my car's radiator.
> >> Why did I come to California?
> >>September
> >>
> >> Decided to buy a house.
> >> Found a 2-bedroom fixer- upper for $800K.
> >> Borrowed against my stock options for down payment.
> >> Freeway traffic is worse. Today it took nearly two hours.
> >>One way.
> >>October
> >>
> >> My startup fired 90% of the work force, including me.
> >> The stock lost 98% of its value.
> >> My options are underwater.
> >>November
> >>
> >> Had to sell my house. Couldn't make the payments.
> >> Found a studio apartment for $2300/mo.
> >> Traffic unbearable
> >>December
> >>
> >> Problems with electricity.
> >> They turn the electricity off several times a day.
> >> It's called "rolling blackouts."
> >> Who stole my car battery, and what do I do now?
> >>January 2001
> >>
> >> I'm typing this, stuck in an elevator, in complete darkness.
> >> The battery of my laptop is dying.
> >> Silicon Valley is no more. Angry hordes of former
> >>dot-commers are looting in the dark.
> >> It was fun while it lasted.
> >> I'm coming back home.
> >>
> >>
> >> Moved to Silicon Valley for a job.
> >> My salary is 30% higher!
> >> I have stock options!
> >> The temperature outside is 65F in winter!
> >> California is the best place on earth!!!
> >>
> >>
> >>February
> >>
> >> Still looking for an apartment.
> >> Freeways everywhere to take you places.
> >> Still love California!
> >>March
> >>
> >> Found a 1 bedroom apartment for $1900/mo.
> >> California is more expensive than I thought.
> >>April
> >>
> >> Gas hit $2.29/gal.
> >> Somebody stole the gas from my car.
> >> This sucks....
> >>
> >>May
> >>
> >> A small earthquake!
> >> And this is what my mother was so worried about?
> >> Almost didn't feel it.
> >>June
> >>
> >> A forest fire and a mud slide near LA.
> >> Who cares, that is far away from me!
> >>
> >>July
> >>
> >> A big earthquake...
> >> Spent 4 hours in my bathtub.
> >> Boy, that was scary.
> >> We had no stinking earthquakes where I came from.
> >>
> >>August
> >>
> >> Drought! They turn on the water once a day.
> >> This sucks big time!
> >> Somebody stole the water from my car's radiator.
> >> Why did I come to California?
> >>September
> >>
> >> Decided to buy a house.
> >> Found a 2-bedroom fixer- upper for $800K.
> >> Borrowed against my stock options for down payment.
> >> Freeway traffic is worse. Today it took nearly two hours.
> >>One way.
> >>October
> >>
> >> My startup fired 90% of the work force, including me.
> >> The stock lost 98% of its value.
> >> My options are underwater.
> >>November
> >>
> >> Had to sell my house. Couldn't make the payments.
> >> Found a studio apartment for $2300/mo.
> >> Traffic unbearable
> >>December
> >>
> >> Problems with electricity.
> >> They turn the electricity off several times a day.
> >> It's called "rolling blackouts."
> >> Who stole my car battery, and what do I do now?
> >>January 2001
> >>
> >> I'm typing this, stuck in an elevator, in complete darkness.
> >> The battery of my laptop is dying.
> >> Silicon Valley is no more. Angry hordes of former
> >>dot-commers are looting in the dark.
> >> It was fun while it lasted.
> >> I'm coming back home.
> >>
> >>
>
You know you're living in the Bay Area when
-------------------------------------------
>
1. Your household income is $140,000 and you can't
afford shoes
for the kids.
2. You think anything slower than DSL is barbaric,
but can't get
it in your neighborhood.
3. You know what DSL stands for.
4. You think that American food includes sushi,
naan, pho and pad
thai.
5. You met your neighbors once.
6. When asked about your commute you answer in time,
not distance.
7. Even though you work 80 hours per week on a
computer, for
relaxation you read your email and peruse eBay.
8. You have worked at the same job for a year and
people call you
an"old-timer".
9. You have a special drawer devoted to T-shirts
with the company
logo.
10. The T-shirts you value most were for products
that never made
it to market.
11. You can name four different programming
languages and you are
not a programmer.
12. You remember the names of the three closest
cheap sushi joints,
the location of all the Fry's in the area and which
companies
your friends work for that are going public in the
next year,
but don't know the name of the mayor.
13. Standing in line at Starbucks you wonder why the
employees
don't call a head hunter.
14. You work 6 miles from your home and spend two
hours a day
commuting and $40 a week on gas.
15. Winter is when your lawn grows too fast and
summer is when it
dies.
16. You live on some of the richest farm land in the
world but most
of what you eat comes from South America.
17. Your best friend lives across town but you
hardly ever see each
other because after your commute you're too pooped
to spend
another hour driving to their home.
18. You cringe when you see people in suits at your
office,
wondering if someone in management will make you
stop wearing
sandals.
19. You plan your vacation so that you don't have to
drive back in
commute traffic.
20. You could walk to the mall in 45 minutes, but
taking public
transit adds another three hours and you still have
to walk 45
minutes.
21. You don't go to sporting events unless you are
given tickets by
your employer.
22. You could sell your home and live like a king in
99% of the
rest of the world, but don't because it would be
difficult to
move back.
You know you're living in the Bay Area when
-------------------------------------------
>
1. Your household income is $140,000 and you can't
afford shoes
for the kids.
2. You think anything slower than DSL is barbaric,
but can't get
it in your neighborhood.
3. You know what DSL stands for.
4. You think that American food includes sushi,
naan, pho and pad
thai.
5. You met your neighbors once.
6. When asked about your commute you answer in time,
not distance.
7. Even though you work 80 hours per week on a
computer, for
relaxation you read your email and peruse eBay.
8. You have worked at the same job for a year and
people call you
an"old-timer".
9. You have a special drawer devoted to T-shirts
with the company
logo.
10. The T-shirts you value most were for products
that never made
it to market.
11. You can name four different programming
languages and you are
not a programmer.
12. You remember the names of the three closest
cheap sushi joints,
the location of all the Fry's in the area and which
companies
your friends work for that are going public in the
next year,
but don't know the name of the mayor.
13. Standing in line at Starbucks you wonder why the
employees
don't call a head hunter.
14. You work 6 miles from your home and spend two
hours a day
commuting and $40 a week on gas.
15. Winter is when your lawn grows too fast and
summer is when it
dies.
16. You live on some of the richest farm land in the
world but most
of what you eat comes from South America.
17. Your best friend lives across town but you
hardly ever see each
other because after your commute you're too pooped
to spend
another hour driving to their home.
18. You cringe when you see people in suits at your
office,
wondering if someone in management will make you
stop wearing
sandals.
19. You plan your vacation so that you don't have to
drive back in
commute traffic.
20. You could walk to the mall in 45 minutes, but
taking public
transit adds another three hours and you still have
to walk 45
minutes.
21. You don't go to sporting events unless you are
given tickets by
your employer.
22. You could sell your home and live like a king in
99% of the
rest of the world, but don't because it would be
difficult to
move back.
"The great love that I have for youis gone, and I find my dislike for you
grows every day. When I see you,I do not even like your face;
the one thing that I want to do is tolook at other girls. I never wanted to
marry you. Our last conversationwas very boring and has not
made me look forward to seeing you again.You think only of yourself.
If we were married, I know that I would find
life very difficult, and I would have no
pleasure in living with you. I have a heartto give, but it is not something that
I want to give to you. No one is more
foolish and selfish than you, and you are notable to care for me and help me.
I sincerely want you to understand thatI speak the truth. You will do me a favor
if you think this is the end. Do not tryto answer this. Your letters are full of
things that do not interest me. You have no
true love for me. Good-bye! Believe me,
I do not care for you. Please do not think thatI am still your boyfriend."
So bad!! However, before handing over the letter to the girl, the boy
told the girl to "READ BETWEEN THE LINES", meaning-only to read the
first line and skip the second continuouslySo..Please try reading it again!...
=~=~=~=~=~=~=~=~=~=~=~=~=~=~=~=~="Love is the irresistible desire...
To be irresistibly desired..."-Robert Frost
grows every day. When I see you,I do not even like your face;
the one thing that I want to do is tolook at other girls. I never wanted to
marry you. Our last conversationwas very boring and has not
made me look forward to seeing you again.You think only of yourself.
If we were married, I know that I would find
life very difficult, and I would have no
pleasure in living with you. I have a heartto give, but it is not something that
I want to give to you. No one is more
foolish and selfish than you, and you are notable to care for me and help me.
I sincerely want you to understand thatI speak the truth. You will do me a favor
if you think this is the end. Do not tryto answer this. Your letters are full of
things that do not interest me. You have no
true love for me. Good-bye! Believe me,
I do not care for you. Please do not think thatI am still your boyfriend."
So bad!! However, before handing over the letter to the girl, the boy
told the girl to "READ BETWEEN THE LINES", meaning-only to read the
first line and skip the second continuouslySo..Please try reading it again!...
=~=~=~=~=~=~=~=~=~=~=~=~=~=~=~=~="Love is the irresistible desire...
To be irresistibly desired..."-Robert Frost
1. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
2. Memorize your favorite poem.
3. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have, or laugh all you want.
4. When you say, "I love you," mean it.
5. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.
6. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
7. Believe in love at first sight.
8. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
9. Love deeply and passionately. You may get hurt, but it's the only way to live life completely.
10. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name-calling.
11. Don't judge people by their relatives, or by the life they were born into.
12. Teach yourself to speak slowly but think quickly.
13. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer smile and ask, "Why do you want know?"
14. Take into account that great love and great achievement involve great risk.
15. Call your mother.
16. Say, "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
17. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
18. Follow the three Rs: Respect for self, Respect for others,
Responsibility for all your actions.
19. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
20. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
21. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
22. Marry a person you love to talk to. As you get older, his/her
conversational skills will be even more important.
23. Spend some time alone.
24. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
25. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
26. Read more books. Television is no substitute.
27. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
28. Trust in God but lock your car.
29. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life. Do all you can to create a tranquil, harmonious home.
30. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
31. Don't just listen to what someone is saying. Listen to why they are saying it.
32. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
33. Be gentle with the earth.
34. Pray or meditate. There's immeasurable power in it.
35. Never interrupt when you are being flattered.
36. Don't trust anyone who doesn't close his/her eyes when you kiss.
37. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
38. If you make a lot of money, put it to use helping others while you are living. It is wealth's greatest satisfaction.
39. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
40. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
41. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
42. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
43. Live with the knowledge that your character is your destiny.
44. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.
2. Memorize your favorite poem.
3. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have, or laugh all you want.
4. When you say, "I love you," mean it.
5. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.
6. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
7. Believe in love at first sight.
8. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
9. Love deeply and passionately. You may get hurt, but it's the only way to live life completely.
10. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name-calling.
11. Don't judge people by their relatives, or by the life they were born into.
12. Teach yourself to speak slowly but think quickly.
13. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer smile and ask, "Why do you want know?"
14. Take into account that great love and great achievement involve great risk.
15. Call your mother.
16. Say, "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
17. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
18. Follow the three Rs: Respect for self, Respect for others,
Responsibility for all your actions.
19. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
20. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
21. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
22. Marry a person you love to talk to. As you get older, his/her
conversational skills will be even more important.
23. Spend some time alone.
24. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
25. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
26. Read more books. Television is no substitute.
27. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
28. Trust in God but lock your car.
29. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life. Do all you can to create a tranquil, harmonious home.
30. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
31. Don't just listen to what someone is saying. Listen to why they are saying it.
32. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
33. Be gentle with the earth.
34. Pray or meditate. There's immeasurable power in it.
35. Never interrupt when you are being flattered.
36. Don't trust anyone who doesn't close his/her eyes when you kiss.
37. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
38. If you make a lot of money, put it to use helping others while you are living. It is wealth's greatest satisfaction.
39. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
40. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
41. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
42. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
43. Live with the knowledge that your character is your destiny.
44. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.
A 55-year old man, who was born on May 5th, has been married 5
years, has 5 children, makes $55,555.55 a year, and who's lucky number
is 5, receives a phonecall from a friend. The friend informs the man
that a horse named Lucky 5 will be running in the fifth race at the
local track that evening. Excitedly, the man withdraws 5,555.55 cash
from his bank account, goes to the races and bets on Lucky 5.
Sure enough, the horse comes in fifth.
years, has 5 children, makes $55,555.55 a year, and who's lucky number
is 5, receives a phonecall from a friend. The friend informs the man
that a horse named Lucky 5 will be running in the fifth race at the
local track that evening. Excitedly, the man withdraws 5,555.55 cash
from his bank account, goes to the races and bets on Lucky 5.
Sure enough, the horse comes in fifth.
Once upon a time
There lived a king. The King had a
beautiful daughter, the Princess.
But the kingdom was a sad place.
There was no laughter, and no joy.
The problem was, that
everything the Princess touched would melt.
No matter what, metal, wood,
plastic...anthing she touched would melt!!
Because of this, men were afraid of her.
Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired.
What could he do to help his
beautiful daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians.
One wizard told the king, "If your
daughter touches one thing that
does not melt in her hands, she
will be cured."
The King was overjoyed. The next
day, he held a competition. Any man
who could bring his daughter an
object that would not melt at her
touch, would marry her and inherit
the King's wealth.
Three young princes took up the challenge.
The first Prince brought a very hard
alloy of titanium.
When the Princess touched it, it
melted. The Prince went away sadly.
The second Prince brought a huge
diamond, thinking that diamond is
the hardest substance in the world
and will not melt.
But, alas, once the Princess touched
it, it melted. He too went away disappointed.
The third Prince approached. He
told the Princess, "Put your hand
in my pocket and feel what is in there."
The Princess did as she was told,
though she turned red.
She felt something hard. She held
it in her hand...and it did not melt!!
The King was overjoyed!
Everybody in the kingdom was
overjoyed!
And the third Prince married the
Princess and the both lived
happily ever after.
The question is?!?!?!?
What WAS the object in the Prince's pocket???
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
They were M&M's, of course.
THEY melt in your MOUTH,
NOT in your HAND!!
(What were YOU thinking?)
This is like an optical illusion ... with numbers!
This riddle MUST be done in your head and NOT using pen and paper.
Do not scroll down until you get your answer.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it.
Now add another 1000.
Now add another 30.
Now add another 1000.
Now add 20.
Now add another 1000.
Now add 10.
What is the total?
Did you get 5000?
Seems most people do.
The answer actually is 4100. Don't believe it??
Try it with your calculator.
A magician worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was
different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks
over and over again.
There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week
and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he
understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat!"
"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table."
"Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the
captain's parrot.
One day, the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on
a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, and as fate would have it,
the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went
on for a day and then another.
On the third day, the parrot could not hold back any longer.
"Okay, I give up. Where did you hide the ship?"
different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks
over and over again.
There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week
and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he
understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat!"
"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table."
"Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the
captain's parrot.
One day, the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on
a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, and as fate would have it,
the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went
on for a day and then another.
On the third day, the parrot could not hold back any longer.
"Okay, I give up. Where did you hide the ship?"
Lesson Number One
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A
small rabbit saw the
crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do
nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat
on the ground below
the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared,
jumped on the rabbit
and ate it.
Management Lesson:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
very high up.
Lesson Number Two
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be
able to get to
the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I
haven't got the energy.
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?"
replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a
lump of dung and
found that it actually gave him enough strength to
reach the first
branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some
more dung, he
reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight,
there he was
proudly
perched at the top of the tree. Soon the turkey was
spotted by a
farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Management Lesson:
Bulls**t might get you to the top, but it won't keep
you there.
Lesson Number Three
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to
be Boss. The brain
said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole
body's responses and
functions." The feet said, "We should be Boss as we
carry the brain about
and get him to where he wants to go." The hands said,
"We should be the boss
because we do all the work and earn all the money."
And so it went on and on
with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally
the a**hole spoke up.
All the parts laughed at the idea of the a**hole being
the Boss. So the
a**hole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused
to work. Within a
short time the eyes became crossed, the hands
clenched, the feet twitched,
the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain
fevered. Eventually they
all decided that the a**hole should be the Boss, and
so the motion was
passed. All the other parts did all the work while
the Boss just sat and
passed out the s**t!
Management Lesson:
You don't need brains to be a Boss - any a**hole will
do.
Lesson Number 4:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was
so cold, the bird
froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While
it was lying there,
a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the
frozen bird lay there in
the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it
was. The dung was
actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and
happy and soon began to
sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and
came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under
the pile of cow dung
and promptly dug him out and ate him!
Management Lesson:
1) Not everyone who drops s**t on you is your
enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of s**t is your
friend.
3) And when you're in deep s**t, keep your mouth
shut!
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A
small rabbit saw the
crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do
nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat
on the ground below
the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared,
jumped on the rabbit
and ate it.
Management Lesson:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
very high up.
Lesson Number Two
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be
able to get to
the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I
haven't got the energy.
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?"
replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a
lump of dung and
found that it actually gave him enough strength to
reach the first
branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some
more dung, he
reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight,
there he was
proudly
perched at the top of the tree. Soon the turkey was
spotted by a
farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Management Lesson:
Bulls**t might get you to the top, but it won't keep
you there.
Lesson Number Three
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to
be Boss. The brain
said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole
body's responses and
functions." The feet said, "We should be Boss as we
carry the brain about
and get him to where he wants to go." The hands said,
"We should be the boss
because we do all the work and earn all the money."
And so it went on and on
with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally
the a**hole spoke up.
All the parts laughed at the idea of the a**hole being
the Boss. So the
a**hole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused
to work. Within a
short time the eyes became crossed, the hands
clenched, the feet twitched,
the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain
fevered. Eventually they
all decided that the a**hole should be the Boss, and
so the motion was
passed. All the other parts did all the work while
the Boss just sat and
passed out the s**t!
Management Lesson:
You don't need brains to be a Boss - any a**hole will
do.
Lesson Number 4:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was
so cold, the bird
froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While
it was lying there,
a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the
frozen bird lay there in
the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it
was. The dung was
actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and
happy and soon began to
sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and
came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under
the pile of cow dung
and promptly dug him out and ate him!
Management Lesson:
1) Not everyone who drops s**t on you is your
enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of s**t is your
friend.
3) And when you're in deep s**t, keep your mouth
shut!
Little Leroy was at home doing his Math homework. He said to himself, "Two
plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch
is nine."
In that moment, his mother comes in and hears what he is saying.
"Leroy, what are you doing? Why are you saying that?"
Little Leroy answered, "I'm doing my Math homework, Mom."
She said, "And is that what your teacher taught you?"
He replied, "Yes."
The next day, the mother, worried about the education her son is receiving,
goes to Little Leroy's school to talk to the teacher. The mother said to
his Math teacher, "I would like to know what you are teaching my son in
Math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition problems."
Little Leroy's mother asked, "And ... are you teaching them to say two plus
two, that son of a bitch is four?"
When the teacher stopped laughing she replied, "Not at all! What I taught
them was two plus two THE SUM OF WHICH IS four."
plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch
is nine."
In that moment, his mother comes in and hears what he is saying.
"Leroy, what are you doing? Why are you saying that?"
Little Leroy answered, "I'm doing my Math homework, Mom."
She said, "And is that what your teacher taught you?"
He replied, "Yes."
The next day, the mother, worried about the education her son is receiving,
goes to Little Leroy's school to talk to the teacher. The mother said to
his Math teacher, "I would like to know what you are teaching my son in
Math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition problems."
Little Leroy's mother asked, "And ... are you teaching them to say two plus
two, that son of a bitch is four?"
When the teacher stopped laughing she replied, "Not at all! What I taught
them was two plus two THE SUM OF WHICH IS four."
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Memo To All Staff!
Clear-Day MEMO TO ALL STAFF
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy in
the US since last Christmas,
Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of
age, on early retirement.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the
SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been
RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (Scheme Covering
Retired Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as
Management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for
Dependents of spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED
any further by management.
Persons staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity
Training) as possible.
Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives
employees.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring to the
attention of your Supervisor.
They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
Sincerely,
The Management
Clear-Day MEMO TO ALL STAFF
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy in
the US since last Christmas,
Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of
age, on early retirement.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the
SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been
RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (Scheme Covering
Retired Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as
Management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for
Dependents of spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED
any further by management.
Persons staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity
Training) as possible.
Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives
employees.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring to the
attention of your Supervisor.
They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
Sincerely,
The Management
> >John and David were both patients in a Mental hospital. One day, John
> >suddenly dived into the deep end of the swimming pool. David jumped in and
> >saved him, and the medical director came to know of his heroic act.. The
> >doctor immediately order David to be discharged from the Mental Hospital as
> >he is OK.
> >
> >Doctor: We have good news and bad news for you, David. The good news is
> >that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your
> >senses,since you are able to jump in and save another patient you are now a
> >normal person. The bad news is that, the patient Mr. John, whom you have
> >saved, hung himself in the toilet, and died. David: Doctor, he didn't hang
> >himself. I hung him there to dry !
> >suddenly dived into the deep end of the swimming pool. David jumped in and
> >saved him, and the medical director came to know of his heroic act.. The
> >doctor immediately order David to be discharged from the Mental Hospital as
> >he is OK.
> >
> >Doctor: We have good news and bad news for you, David. The good news is
> >that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your
> >senses,since you are able to jump in and save another patient you are now a
> >normal person. The bad news is that, the patient Mr. John, whom you have
> >saved, hung himself in the toilet, and died. David: Doctor, he didn't hang
> >himself. I hung him there to dry !
Jon and Dan were in a mental institution. This place had an annual
contest, picking two of the best patients and giving them two
questions. If they answered correctly, they were deemed cured and free
to go.
Jon was called into the doctor's office first and asked if he
understood that he'd be free if he answered the questions correctly.
The doctor said, "Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your
eyes?" Jon said, "I'd be half blind." "That's correct. What would
happen if I poked out both your eyes?" "I'd be completely blind." The
doctor stood up, shook his hand, and told him he was free.
On Jon's way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Jon
mentioned the questions to Dan. He told him what questions would be
asked and the answers. Dan was called in. The doctor went through the
formalities and asked, "What would happen if I cut off one of your
ears?" Dan, remembering what Jon had said, said, "I'd be half blind."
The doctor looked a litle puzzled, but went on. "What would happen if
I cut off both your ears?" "I'd be completely blind." "Dan, how can
you explain that you'd be blind?" asked the doctor. "Well," replied
Dan, "my hat would fall over my eyes."
contest, picking two of the best patients and giving them two
questions. If they answered correctly, they were deemed cured and free
to go.
Jon was called into the doctor's office first and asked if he
understood that he'd be free if he answered the questions correctly.
The doctor said, "Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your
eyes?" Jon said, "I'd be half blind." "That's correct. What would
happen if I poked out both your eyes?" "I'd be completely blind." The
doctor stood up, shook his hand, and told him he was free.
On Jon's way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Jon
mentioned the questions to Dan. He told him what questions would be
asked and the answers. Dan was called in. The doctor went through the
formalities and asked, "What would happen if I cut off one of your
ears?" Dan, remembering what Jon had said, said, "I'd be half blind."
The doctor looked a litle puzzled, but went on. "What would happen if
I cut off both your ears?" "I'd be completely blind." "Dan, how can
you explain that you'd be blind?" asked the doctor. "Well," replied
Dan, "my hat would fall over my eyes."
A man enters his favorite restaurant and sits at his regular table.
Looking around, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby, all
alone.
He calls the waiter over and asks him to send their most expensive bottle of
Merlot over to her, knowing that if she accepts it she is his.
The waiter gets the bottle and takes it over to the girl, saying, "This is
from the gentleman over there," indicating to him. She regards the wine
coolly for a second and decides to send a note over to the man.
The waiter, who was lingering for a response took the note from her and
conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle,
you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank,
and 7 inches in your pants."
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in
return. He handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the
lady. It read: "For your information - I happen to have a GMC Denali, a
BMWZ8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Corvette Z06 in my garage; plus I have over
ten million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as
you would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back!"
Looking around, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby, all
alone.
He calls the waiter over and asks him to send their most expensive bottle of
Merlot over to her, knowing that if she accepts it she is his.
The waiter gets the bottle and takes it over to the girl, saying, "This is
from the gentleman over there," indicating to him. She regards the wine
coolly for a second and decides to send a note over to the man.
The waiter, who was lingering for a response took the note from her and
conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle,
you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank,
and 7 inches in your pants."
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in
return. He handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the
lady. It read: "For your information - I happen to have a GMC Denali, a
BMWZ8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Corvette Z06 in my garage; plus I have over
ten million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as
you would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back!"
An attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet, rural pub.
She gesturens alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face
close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard,
which is full and bushy.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both
hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him..." she purrs,
running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I
can't" breathes the bartender, clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can
do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues
alluringly, popping a couple fingers into his mouth and allowing him
to suck them gently.
"Tell him there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."
She gesturens alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face
close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard,
which is full and bushy.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both
hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him..." she purrs,
running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I
can't" breathes the bartender, clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can
do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues
alluringly, popping a couple fingers into his mouth and allowing him
to suck them gently.
"Tell him there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."
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There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a French, who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appears.Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, he said, "Next to you are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish.
When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout What you want the pool of water to become, then your wish will come true." The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted WINE". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was happy, swimming and drinking from the pool. Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" and immersed himself into a pool of vodka. The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so contented with his beer pool. The last to go was the American. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he stepped on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, "SHIT!!!!!!!........."
When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout What you want the pool of water to become, then your wish will come true." The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted WINE". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was happy, swimming and drinking from the pool. Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" and immersed himself into a pool of vodka. The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so contented with his beer pool. The last to go was the American. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he stepped on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, "SHIT!!!!!!!........."
Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where in the
Ladies Room, there is a very special mirror. If you stand in
front of the mirror and tell the truth, you are granted a wish.
However, if you tell a lie, *POOF* you are instantly swallowed
up by the mirror, never to be seen again.
A redhead of questionable looks walked into the Ladies Room and
stood before the mirror and said, "I think I'm the most
beautiful woman in the world." *POOF* The mirror swallowed her.
Next, a rather large brunette stood before the mirror and said,
"I think I'm the sexiest woman alive! *POOF* The mirror swallowed
her.
Then an absolutely gorgeous blond came in and stood before the
mirror and said, "I think..." *POOF*
Ladies Room, there is a very special mirror. If you stand in
front of the mirror and tell the truth, you are granted a wish.
However, if you tell a lie, *POOF* you are instantly swallowed
up by the mirror, never to be seen again.
A redhead of questionable looks walked into the Ladies Room and
stood before the mirror and said, "I think I'm the most
beautiful woman in the world." *POOF* The mirror swallowed her.
Next, a rather large brunette stood before the mirror and said,
"I think I'm the sexiest woman alive! *POOF* The mirror swallowed
her.
Then an absolutely gorgeous blond came in and stood before the
mirror and said, "I think..." *POOF*
In Real Life!!!!
If a barber makes a mistake,
It's a new style...
If a driver makes a mistake,
It is an accident...
If a doctor makes a mistake,
It's an operation...
If a engineer makes a mistake,
It is a new venture...
If parents makes a mistake,
It is a new generation...
If a politician makes a mistake,
It is a new law...
If a scientist makes a mistake,
It is a new invention...
If a tailor makes a mistake,
It is a new fashion...
If a teacher makes a mistake ,
It is a new theory...
If our boss makes a mistake,
It is our mistake......
If an employee makes a mistake,
It is a "MISTAKE!!!!"
If a barber makes a mistake,
It's a new style...
If a driver makes a mistake,
It is an accident...
If a doctor makes a mistake,
It's an operation...
If a engineer makes a mistake,
It is a new venture...
If parents makes a mistake,
It is a new generation...
If a politician makes a mistake,
It is a new law...
If a scientist makes a mistake,
It is a new invention...
If a tailor makes a mistake,
It is a new fashion...
If a teacher makes a mistake ,
It is a new theory...
If our boss makes a mistake,
It is our mistake......
If an employee makes a mistake,
It is a "MISTAKE!!!!"
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Mullah Naserddin Jokes
Reliable Source
"How old are you, Molla?"
"Forty."
"But you said that two years ago when I asked."
"That's right. I always stand by my word!"
Good Swimmer?
In the old days, men were permitted to have more than one wife. Molla himself took a second wife who was younger than the first one. One evening he came home to find them quarreling about which of them Molla loved more.
At first, Molla told them he loved them both, but neither of them were satisfied with his answer. Then the older one asked, "Well, just suppose the three of us were in a boat, and it started to sink. Which of us would you try to save?"
Molla thought for a moment, and then said to his older wife, "My dear, you know how to swim, don't you?"
Secret of Longevity
One day Molla was asked the secret to longevity.
"Keep your feet warm, your head cool, be careful what you eat and don't think too much."
Chickens to the Defense
One day, some other mollas were complaining about Molla to Tamerlane, so Molla took a hen with its chicks to one of Tamerlane's advisors. The following day, Nasreddin and the mollas were summoned to the palace.
After the complaint was heard, the advisor began his defense for Molla. Then Tamerlane asked Molla, "What can you say to prove that you're not guilty?" Molla replied, "I have nothing more to say, your Majesty. The hen and chicks have already spoken in my favor."
To Make the People Stop Talking
One day, Molla and his son went on a journey. Molla preferred to let his son ride the donkey while he walked. Along the way, they passed some travelers.
"Look at that healthy young boy on the donkey! That's today's youth for you! They have no respect for their elders! He rides while his poor father walks!"
The words made the lad feel very ashamed, and he insisted that his father ride while he walked. So Molla climbed on the donkey and the boy walked by his side. Soon they met another group.
"Well, look at that! Poor little boy has to walk while his father rides the donkey," they exclaimed.
This time, Molla climbed onto the donkey behind his son.
Soon they met another group, who said, "Look at that poor donkey! He has to carry the weight of two people."
Molla then told his son, "The best thing is for both of us to walk. Then no one can complain."
So they continued their journey on foot. Again they met some travelers.
"Just look at those fools. Both of them are walking under this hot sun and neither of them is riding the donkey!"
In exasperation, Molla lifted the donkey onto his shoulders and said, "Come on, if we don't do this, it will be impossible to make people stop talking."
Tiger Powder
One day Molla Nasreddin was sprinkling some powder on the ground around his house.
"Molla, what are you doing?" a neighbor asked.
"I want to keep the tigers away."
"But there are no tigers within hundreds of miles."
"Effective, isn't it?" Molla replied.
Donkey's Word
One day a neighbor called on Molla.
"Molla, I want to borrow your donkey."
"I'm sorry," Molla said, "but I've already lent it out."
As soon as he had spoken, the sound of a donkey braying came from Molla's stable.
"But Molla, I can hear your donkey in there."
"Shame on you," Molla said indignantly, "that you would take the word of a donkey over my word."
Whatever You Say
One day the King invited Molla to his palace for dinner. The royal chef prepared, among others, a cabbage recipe for the occasion. After the dinner, the King asked, "How did you like the cabbage?"
"It was very delicious," complimented Molla.
"I thought it tasted awful," said the King.
"You're right," added Molla, "it was very bland."
"But you just said it tasted 'delicious,'" the King noted.
"Yes, but I'm the servant of His Majesty, not of the cabbage," he replied.
As Fast As Sound
One day Molla climbed up into a minaret and shouted at the top of his lungs. Immediately, he came down and started running.
"What's happening? Why are you running, Molla?" asked a passerby. "To see how far my voice carries," he replied.
Cat Tale
One day Molla bought three okes (an oke is 2.8 pounds) of meat and took it home to his wife. Then he returned to work. Immediately, his wife called her friends and prepared a superb dinner. In the evening, Molla returned for supper, and his wife offered him nothing but bread and onions.
He turned to her and said, "But why haven't you prepared anything from the meat?"
"I rinsed the meat and was going to put it on the stove when this damn cat came up and took it away," she said.
Molla at once ran to get the scales. Then he found the cat and weighed it. It was exactly three okes!
Then he turned to his wife and said, "Look here! If what I have just weighed is the cat, then where's the meat? But if this is the meat, then where's the cat?"
The Doctor's Cure
One day Molla fell seriously ill. His wife became very frightened and, thinking Molla might die, ran for the doctor.
"Oh, Doctor, my husband is gravely ill. We're very poor and have many children. I'm afraid something might happen to him, and then who will take care of the children?"
On hearing the word "poor," the doctor replied, "Why do you create problems for the poor man? Even if I prescribed medicine for him, how would you pay for it if you don't have any money?"
The wife returned home and told Molla. A few days later Molla recovered. Soon, he headed off to the doctor. "I've come to say 'thank you.' I've recovered, thanks to you."
The doctor replied, "How's that? I didn't treat you."
"And that's the very reason I recovered. Had your ugly breath touched me that day, who knows which cemetery I would be lying in today?"
Man's Best Qualities
One day someone asked Molla, "What are the best qualities of mankind?"
"Well," he replied, "a philosopher once told me that there are two. He had forgotten the one, but he told me the other. But to tell you the truth, I've since forgotten that one, too."
Beauty Unveiled
According to social rules existing during Molla's day, brides didn't show themselves to their future husbands prior to marriage.
On Molla's wedding day, his wife unveiled her face to him and asked, "Tell me, which of your relatives can I see without covering my face?" Molla replied, "Show your face to whomever you want; just make sure you keep it covered in my presence!"
Light at Night
One day, someone asked Molla, "Which is more valuable to man, the sun or the moon?"
"The moon, of course, because we need more light at night."
Dreams in Detail
Once Molla woke his wife in the middle of the night and said, "Hey, be quick, give me my glasses." The wife asked, "Why do you need your glasses in the middle of the night?" Molla replied, "I'm having a very interesting dream and need to see some of the details that are a bit blurry."
(Obviously, the reference to glasses would indicate that this story was added much later than the 13th century).
Questions as Answers
One day Molla was asked, "How is it you always answer a question with another question?"
"Do I?" he replied.
The Turkish Bath
One day Molla went to a Turkish bath but as he was dressed so poorly, the attendants didn't pay much attention to him. They gave him only a scrap of soap, a rag for a loin cloth and an old towel.
When Molla left, he gave each of the two attendants a gold coin. As he had not complained of their poor service, they were very surprised. They wondered had they treated him better whether he would have given them even a larger tip.
The next week, Molla came again. This time, they treated him like royalty and gave him embroidered towels and a loin cloth of silk. After being massaged and perfumed, he left the bath, handing each attendant the smallest copper coin possible. "This," said Molla, "is for the last visit. The gold coins are for today."
Mola Nasrodin
Reliable Source
"How old are you, Molla?"
"Forty."
"But you said that two years ago when I asked."
"That's right. I always stand by my word!"
Good Swimmer?
In the old days, men were permitted to have more than one wife. Molla himself took a second wife who was younger than the first one. One evening he came home to find them quarreling about which of them Molla loved more.
At first, Molla told them he loved them both, but neither of them were satisfied with his answer. Then the older one asked, "Well, just suppose the three of us were in a boat, and it started to sink. Which of us would you try to save?"
Molla thought for a moment, and then said to his older wife, "My dear, you know how to swim, don't you?"
Secret of Longevity
One day Molla was asked the secret to longevity.
"Keep your feet warm, your head cool, be careful what you eat and don't think too much."
Chickens to the Defense
One day, some other mollas were complaining about Molla to Tamerlane, so Molla took a hen with its chicks to one of Tamerlane's advisors. The following day, Nasreddin and the mollas were summoned to the palace.
After the complaint was heard, the advisor began his defense for Molla. Then Tamerlane asked Molla, "What can you say to prove that you're not guilty?" Molla replied, "I have nothing more to say, your Majesty. The hen and chicks have already spoken in my favor."
To Make the People Stop Talking
One day, Molla and his son went on a journey. Molla preferred to let his son ride the donkey while he walked. Along the way, they passed some travelers.
"Look at that healthy young boy on the donkey! That's today's youth for you! They have no respect for their elders! He rides while his poor father walks!"
The words made the lad feel very ashamed, and he insisted that his father ride while he walked. So Molla climbed on the donkey and the boy walked by his side. Soon they met another group.
"Well, look at that! Poor little boy has to walk while his father rides the donkey," they exclaimed.
This time, Molla climbed onto the donkey behind his son.
Soon they met another group, who said, "Look at that poor donkey! He has to carry the weight of two people."
Molla then told his son, "The best thing is for both of us to walk. Then no one can complain."
So they continued their journey on foot. Again they met some travelers.
"Just look at those fools. Both of them are walking under this hot sun and neither of them is riding the donkey!"
In exasperation, Molla lifted the donkey onto his shoulders and said, "Come on, if we don't do this, it will be impossible to make people stop talking."
Tiger Powder
One day Molla Nasreddin was sprinkling some powder on the ground around his house.
"Molla, what are you doing?" a neighbor asked.
"I want to keep the tigers away."
"But there are no tigers within hundreds of miles."
"Effective, isn't it?" Molla replied.
Donkey's Word
One day a neighbor called on Molla.
"Molla, I want to borrow your donkey."
"I'm sorry," Molla said, "but I've already lent it out."
As soon as he had spoken, the sound of a donkey braying came from Molla's stable.
"But Molla, I can hear your donkey in there."
"Shame on you," Molla said indignantly, "that you would take the word of a donkey over my word."
Whatever You Say
One day the King invited Molla to his palace for dinner. The royal chef prepared, among others, a cabbage recipe for the occasion. After the dinner, the King asked, "How did you like the cabbage?"
"It was very delicious," complimented Molla.
"I thought it tasted awful," said the King.
"You're right," added Molla, "it was very bland."
"But you just said it tasted 'delicious,'" the King noted.
"Yes, but I'm the servant of His Majesty, not of the cabbage," he replied.
As Fast As Sound
One day Molla climbed up into a minaret and shouted at the top of his lungs. Immediately, he came down and started running.
"What's happening? Why are you running, Molla?" asked a passerby. "To see how far my voice carries," he replied.
Cat Tale
One day Molla bought three okes (an oke is 2.8 pounds) of meat and took it home to his wife. Then he returned to work. Immediately, his wife called her friends and prepared a superb dinner. In the evening, Molla returned for supper, and his wife offered him nothing but bread and onions.
He turned to her and said, "But why haven't you prepared anything from the meat?"
"I rinsed the meat and was going to put it on the stove when this damn cat came up and took it away," she said.
Molla at once ran to get the scales. Then he found the cat and weighed it. It was exactly three okes!
Then he turned to his wife and said, "Look here! If what I have just weighed is the cat, then where's the meat? But if this is the meat, then where's the cat?"
The Doctor's Cure
One day Molla fell seriously ill. His wife became very frightened and, thinking Molla might die, ran for the doctor.
"Oh, Doctor, my husband is gravely ill. We're very poor and have many children. I'm afraid something might happen to him, and then who will take care of the children?"
On hearing the word "poor," the doctor replied, "Why do you create problems for the poor man? Even if I prescribed medicine for him, how would you pay for it if you don't have any money?"
The wife returned home and told Molla. A few days later Molla recovered. Soon, he headed off to the doctor. "I've come to say 'thank you.' I've recovered, thanks to you."
The doctor replied, "How's that? I didn't treat you."
"And that's the very reason I recovered. Had your ugly breath touched me that day, who knows which cemetery I would be lying in today?"
Man's Best Qualities
One day someone asked Molla, "What are the best qualities of mankind?"
"Well," he replied, "a philosopher once told me that there are two. He had forgotten the one, but he told me the other. But to tell you the truth, I've since forgotten that one, too."
Beauty Unveiled
According to social rules existing during Molla's day, brides didn't show themselves to their future husbands prior to marriage.
On Molla's wedding day, his wife unveiled her face to him and asked, "Tell me, which of your relatives can I see without covering my face?" Molla replied, "Show your face to whomever you want; just make sure you keep it covered in my presence!"
Light at Night
One day, someone asked Molla, "Which is more valuable to man, the sun or the moon?"
"The moon, of course, because we need more light at night."
Dreams in Detail
Once Molla woke his wife in the middle of the night and said, "Hey, be quick, give me my glasses." The wife asked, "Why do you need your glasses in the middle of the night?" Molla replied, "I'm having a very interesting dream and need to see some of the details that are a bit blurry."
(Obviously, the reference to glasses would indicate that this story was added much later than the 13th century).
Questions as Answers
One day Molla was asked, "How is it you always answer a question with another question?"
"Do I?" he replied.
The Turkish Bath
One day Molla went to a Turkish bath but as he was dressed so poorly, the attendants didn't pay much attention to him. They gave him only a scrap of soap, a rag for a loin cloth and an old towel.
When Molla left, he gave each of the two attendants a gold coin. As he had not complained of their poor service, they were very surprised. They wondered had they treated him better whether he would have given them even a larger tip.
The next week, Molla came again. This time, they treated him like royalty and gave him embroidered towels and a loin cloth of silk. After being massaged and perfumed, he left the bath, handing each attendant the smallest copper coin possible. "This," said Molla, "is for the last visit. The gold coins are for today."
Mola Nasrodin
Once There Was A Small Baby Monkey Stranded On A Small Island.
There Was Nothing On This Island Except Dry Grass And A Single Coconut Tree With Many Coconuts. One Hot Day The Dry Grass Caught Fire. The Fire Spread Quickly And Soon The Whole Island Was On Fire.
To Escape The Fire The Small Baby Monkey Climbed Up The Coconut Tree, But The Wind Was Strong And The Fire Was Quickly Working Its Way Towards The Tree.
By Now The Tree And The Monkey Was Surrounded By Fire.
The Question Now Is, WHAT
SHOULD THE SMALL BABY
MONKEY DO TO ESCAPE THE FIRE?
Scroll Down For The Answer ......
C'mon Guess What The Answer Is??
Come On Folks ..... Its Very Simple..
Still, You Are Thinking!! Can’t Find The Answer?
The Answer Is ....
If A Big Monkey Like You Doesn't Know The Answer. How Do You Expect A Small Baby Monkey To Know ......
Forward This To As Many MONKEYS You Know !!!!!!!!
Don't Take It Seriously Friends. I Am Also A Victim Of This Monkey Business!!
There Was Nothing On This Island Except Dry Grass And A Single Coconut Tree With Many Coconuts. One Hot Day The Dry Grass Caught Fire. The Fire Spread Quickly And Soon The Whole Island Was On Fire.
To Escape The Fire The Small Baby Monkey Climbed Up The Coconut Tree, But The Wind Was Strong And The Fire Was Quickly Working Its Way Towards The Tree.
By Now The Tree And The Monkey Was Surrounded By Fire.
The Question Now Is, WHAT
SHOULD THE SMALL BABY
MONKEY DO TO ESCAPE THE FIRE?
Scroll Down For The Answer ......
C'mon Guess What The Answer Is??
Come On Folks ..... Its Very Simple..
Still, You Are Thinking!! Can’t Find The Answer?
The Answer Is ....
If A Big Monkey Like You Doesn't Know The Answer. How Do You Expect A Small Baby Monkey To Know ......
Forward This To As Many MONKEYS You Know !!!!!!!!
Don't Take It Seriously Friends. I Am Also A Victim Of This Monkey Business!!
One day at the end of class little Johnny's teacher has the class go home
and think of story and then conclude the moral of that story ...
The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their
story and little Suzy raises her hand.
"My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck
and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a
big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
When the teacher asks for the moral of the story, Suzy replies, "Don't keep
all your eggs in one basket"
Next is little Lucy ... "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we
take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of
the 12 eggs hatched."
... Teacher asks for the moral of the story ... Lucy replies "Don't count
your eggs before they're hatched."
Last is little Johnny ... "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, his plane
was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with
only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank
the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100
Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of
bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on
his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
Teacher looks in shock at Johnny and asks if there is possibly any moral to
his story ... Johnny replies, "Don't fuck with uncle Ted when he's been
drinking!"
and think of story and then conclude the moral of that story ...
The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their
story and little Suzy raises her hand.
"My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck
and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a
big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
When the teacher asks for the moral of the story, Suzy replies, "Don't keep
all your eggs in one basket"
Next is little Lucy ... "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we
take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of
the 12 eggs hatched."
... Teacher asks for the moral of the story ... Lucy replies "Don't count
your eggs before they're hatched."
Last is little Johnny ... "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, his plane
was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with
only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank
the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100
Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of
bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on
his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
Teacher looks in shock at Johnny and asks if there is possibly any moral to
his story ... Johnny replies, "Don't fuck with uncle Ted when he's been
drinking!"
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Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one so that when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift.
When the door of happiness closes, another opens, but often times we look so long at the closed door that we don't see the one which has been opened for us.
The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.
It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.
Giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they'll love you back! Don't expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart but if it doesn't, be content it grew in yours. It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone, but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.
Don't go for looks; they can deceive. Don't go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Find the one that makes your heart smile.
There are moments in life when you miss someone so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real!
Dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do.
May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, enough hope to make you happy.
Always put yourself in others' shoes. If you feel that it hurts you, it probably hurts the other person, too.
The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.
Happiness lives for those who cry, those who hurt, those who have searched, and those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of people who have touched their lives. Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss and ends with a tear. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past, you can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.
When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.
Please send this message to those people who mean something to you, to those who have touched your life in one way or another, to those who make you smile when you really need it, to those that make you see the brighter side of things when you are really down, to those who you want to let them know that you appreciate their friendship. And if you don't, don't worry, nothing bad will happen to you, you will just miss out on the opportunity to brighten someone's day with this message.
When the door of happiness closes, another opens, but often times we look so long at the closed door that we don't see the one which has been opened for us.
The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.
It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.
Giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they'll love you back! Don't expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart but if it doesn't, be content it grew in yours. It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone, but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.
Don't go for looks; they can deceive. Don't go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Find the one that makes your heart smile.
There are moments in life when you miss someone so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real!
Dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do.
May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, enough hope to make you happy.
Always put yourself in others' shoes. If you feel that it hurts you, it probably hurts the other person, too.
The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.
Happiness lives for those who cry, those who hurt, those who have searched, and those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of people who have touched their lives. Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss and ends with a tear. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past, you can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.
When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.
Please send this message to those people who mean something to you, to those who have touched your life in one way or another, to those who make you smile when you really need it, to those that make you see the brighter side of things when you are really down, to those who you want to let them know that you appreciate their friendship. And if you don't, don't worry, nothing bad will happen to you, you will just miss out on the opportunity to brighten someone's day with this message.
GUARANTEED TO MAKE YOU SMILE.....especially
since it is supposed to true
story On July 20, 1969, as commander of the
Apollo 11 lunar module, Neil Armstrong was the first
person to set foot on the moon.
His first words after stepping on the moon,
"That's one small step for man, one giant leap for
mankind," were televised to earth and heard by
millions.
But just before he re-entered the lunar module,
he made the enigmatic remark,"Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual
remark concerning some rival Soviet cosmonaut.
However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either
the Russian or American space programs. Over the
years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the
"Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but
Armstrong always just smiled.
On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while
answering questions following a speech, a reporter
brought up the 26-year old question to Armstrong.
This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had died,
so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
In 1938, when he was a kid in a small Midwest
town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the
backyard. His friend hit the ball, which landed in
his neighbor's yard by the bedroom windows. His
neighbors were Mr. and Mrs.Gorsky.
As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young
Armstrong heard Mrs.Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky,
"Sex! You want sex?!
You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the
moon!"
since it is supposed to true
story On July 20, 1969, as commander of the
Apollo 11 lunar module, Neil Armstrong was the first
person to set foot on the moon.
His first words after stepping on the moon,
"That's one small step for man, one giant leap for
mankind," were televised to earth and heard by
millions.
But just before he re-entered the lunar module,
he made the enigmatic remark,"Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual
remark concerning some rival Soviet cosmonaut.
However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either
the Russian or American space programs. Over the
years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the
"Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but
Armstrong always just smiled.
On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while
answering questions following a speech, a reporter
brought up the 26-year old question to Armstrong.
This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had died,
so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
In 1938, when he was a kid in a small Midwest
town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the
backyard. His friend hit the ball, which landed in
his neighbor's yard by the bedroom windows. His
neighbors were Mr. and Mrs.Gorsky.
As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young
Armstrong heard Mrs.Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky,
"Sex! You want sex?!
You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the
moon!"
Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The
doctor,
after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and
said,
"I've some bad news for you ... you have cancer and it can't be cured.
I'd
give you two weeks to
a month." Murphy shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid
character,
managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the
waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting.
Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and
celebrate
when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I
have
cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the
pub and
have a few pints."
After three or four pints they were eventually approached by some of
Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.
Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad... He
went on
to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end and said,
"I've
only got a few weeks to live, boys, as I have been diagnosed with
AIDS."
The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more
beers.
After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered his
confusion...
"Dad I thought you said that you were dying from cancer...? You just
told
your friends that you were dying from AIDS?"
Murphy said, " I AM dying from cancer son, I just don't want any of
those
bums sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."
doctor,
after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and
said,
"I've some bad news for you ... you have cancer and it can't be cured.
I'd
give you two weeks to
a month." Murphy shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid
character,
managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the
waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting.
Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and
celebrate
when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I
have
cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the
pub and
have a few pints."
After three or four pints they were eventually approached by some of
Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.
Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad... He
went on
to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end and said,
"I've
only got a few weeks to live, boys, as I have been diagnosed with
AIDS."
The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more
beers.
After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered his
confusion...
"Dad I thought you said that you were dying from cancer...? You just
told
your friends that you were dying from AIDS?"
Murphy said, " I AM dying from cancer son, I just don't want any of
those
bums sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."
Everybody who has a dog calls him Rover or Boy. I named mine Sex. It was a mistake because Sex has been very embarrassing to me.
When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said, " I'd
like to have one too !" Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, " But you
don't understand. I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said I must have been quite a kid.
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my
wife and me and a special room for Sex. He told me every room in the place was for sex. I said," but you don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." He replied, "Me too."
One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him that I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I said."I had hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had sex before I was
married." The judge said, "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me too."
Last night, Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, " What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex."
When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said, " I'd
like to have one too !" Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, " But you
don't understand. I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said I must have been quite a kid.
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my
wife and me and a special room for Sex. He told me every room in the place was for sex. I said," but you don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." He replied, "Me too."
One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him that I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I said."I had hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had sex before I was
married." The judge said, "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me too."
Last night, Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, " What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex."
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered
that
ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity.
To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 million
developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater,
on
almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from
below
freezing to over 300C.
The Russians used a pencil.
that
ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity.
To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 million
developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater,
on
almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from
below
freezing to over 300C.
The Russians used a pencil.
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* Scheduled to open Jan. 1, 2006 Hualapai Indian Reservation
* Juts about 70 feet into the canyon, 4000 ft above the Colorado River
* Will accommodate 120 people comfortably
(Ha Ha!!!!! I can see you crawling on your hands and knees to look over the edge?)
* Built with more than a million pounds of steel beams, and includes dampeners that minimize the structure's vibration.
* Designed to hold 72 million pounds, withstand an 8.0 magnitude earthquake 50 miles away, and withstand winds in excess of 100 mph
* The walkway has a glass bottom and sides...four inches thick
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Next Life' by Woody Allen
In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You
start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you
wake up in an old people's home feeling better every
day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go
collect your pension, and then when you start work,
you get a gold watch and a party on your first day.
You work for 40 years until you're young enough to
enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and
are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high
school. You then go to primary school, you become a
kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you
become a baby until you are born. And then you spend
your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa like
conditions with central heating and room service on
tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You
finish off as an orgasm! I rest.
In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You
start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you
wake up in an old people's home feeling better every
day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go
collect your pension, and then when you start work,
you get a gold watch and a party on your first day.
You work for 40 years until you're young enough to
enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and
are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high
school. You then go to primary school, you become a
kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you
become a baby until you are born. And then you spend
your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa like
conditions with central heating and room service on
tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You
finish off as an orgasm! I rest.
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NINE MONTHS LATER
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded
up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few
hours, the got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a
nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the
door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge
house all to myself, but I'm recently "widowed," she
explained. "I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay
in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the
barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the
barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather
had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a
great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter
from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out,
but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that
attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He
dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you
remember that good-looking widow from the farm we
stayed at on our ski holiday up North?" "Yes, I do.
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up
to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out.
"I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her
your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm
afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)
Caught you smiling - Keep it up
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded
up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few
hours, the got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a
nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the
door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge
house all to myself, but I'm recently "widowed," she
explained. "I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay
in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the
barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the
barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather
had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a
great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter
from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out,
but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that
attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He
dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you
remember that good-looking widow from the farm we
stayed at on our ski holiday up North?" "Yes, I do.
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up
to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out.
"I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her
your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm
afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)
Caught you smiling - Keep it up
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs...
...in your spicerack? HERB
...in a men's room? JOHN
...in a British restroom? LOU
...in a bank vault? RICH
...in a sound system? MIKE
...trying to swim? BOB
...in a sandwich? REUBEN
...propping up a car? JACK
...being climbed on? JIM
...run over by a train? BART
...in a flowerbed? BUD or PETE
...removed from the White House? COLIN
...put through a meat grinder? CHUCK
...being torched to death? BERNIE
...in your gas tank? PHIL
...under a steamroller? LANE
...in your drums? TOM
...under a train? SPIKE
...in a lettuce farm? MANUEL
...stuffed in a carryall? PACO
...drowning in the lake? GIL
...on your barbecue? FRANK
...starving to death? LES
...being cooked by cannibals? STU
...in a hayloft? BARNEY
...being stoned to death? ROCKY
...in a chicken coop? HENRY
...on a French farm? HECTOR
...dying of cancer? KENT
...in a pile of leaves? RUSSELL
What do you call a girl with no arms or legs...
...on your barbecue? PATTY
...in a sugar vat? CANDY
...when she's your sister's kid? DENISE
...in a sewer? FLO
...eaten by a Gila Monster? LIZ
...being shot out of a cannon? AMY
...stuck on a wall? PEG
...in a backpack? CARRIE
...in a shotgun wedding? MARY
...caught by a trawler? ANNETTE
...ensnared in a lawsuit? SUE
...trying to figure how she got that way? WANDA
In a bar, on St. Pat's day, two Irishmen were having a conversation, First man: So, where ya from? Second man: I'm from Dublin. First man: So am I!! Drinks for everyone!! First man: So, what high school did you go to? Second man: I went to O'Meyer's High School. First man: So did I!! Drinks for everybody!! First man: So, what street did you live on? Second man: Oh, I lived on Mitchell St. First man: So did I!! Drinks for everybody!! Later, the bartender received a call from the manager and it went like this. Manager: So, how's business going? Bartender: Business is going great, but the two O'Malley twins are drunk again.
A man was out driving when he saw a police car in his rear-view mirror, with it's siren wailing. The man pulled over and the police car stopped behind him. The policeman approached the man's car and said to the man: "Do you know that your wife fell out of the car five miles back?"
The man replied: "Oh thank goodness! I thought I had gone deaf!"
A psychiatrist and a proctologist became good friends and agreed to share offices to cut down on expenses. To economize even further, they had just one sign printed:
Dr. Marvin Hornstein, Psychiatrist
Dr. David Slodnick, Proctologist
SPECIALIZING IN ODDS AND ENDS
A famous lawyer died and, unexpectedly, showed up at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter came out to welcome him, and as the Gates opened the lawyer saw a banner which welcomed him, the first 457-year old man. The lawyer was confused. He said to St. Peter, "I don't understand. When I died, I was 63 years old, not 457." St. Peter was now confused, and said, "Why, you must be 457 years old! We added up all the hours you billed your clients, so you've got to be 457!"
A couple of old coon-hunters were sitting on the front porch of the post office in Mallmayzon, Arkansas, and as was their custom took to lying about the talents of huntin' dogs they had owned. The winning story for the day: "I had a yeller hound oncet, smarter'n manys a human, used to send him out by hisself to get the coons. Way I'd work it, I'd whittle out a piece of board the shape of a coon-hide stretcher so he'd know the size I wanted him to fetch back. I'd set the board out against that tree in my back yard and that yeller dog he'd look at it and go get me a coon to fit it. Sad to say, I lost that wonderful smart dog. One mornin', two years ago, my old womern spilt some wotter on her arnin' board and took it outdoors to dry and set it against that tree and, 'y God, my yeller dog ain't come back yet."
Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his wife's incessant nagging by giving her a good scare, Hungarian Jake Fen built an elaborate harness to make it look as if he had hanged himself. When his wife came home and saw him she fainted. Hearing a disturbance a neighbor came over and, finding what she thought were two corpses, seized the opportunity to loot the place. As she was leaving the room, her arms laden, the outraged and suspended Mr. Fen kicked her stoutly in the backside. This so surprised the lady that she dropped dead of a heart attack. Happily, Mr. Fen was acquitted of manslaughter and he and his wife were reconciled.
Leroy, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire. A lady is standing on a third-story ledge holding her pet cat in her arms.
"Hey, lady," yells Leroy, "Throw me the cat."
"No," she cries, "It's too far."
"I play football, I can catch him."
The smoke is pouring from the windows, and finally, the woman waves to Leroy, kisses her cat good-bye, and tosses it down to the street. Leroy keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him. The feline bounces off a awning and Leroy runs into the street to catch it. He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular one-handed catch. The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire breaks into cheers.
Leroy does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles his knees back and forth, then spikes the cat into the pavement.
Two West German motorists had an all-too-literal head-on collision in heavy fog near the small town of Guetersloh. Each was guiding his car at a snail's pace near the center of the road. At the moment of impact their heads were both out of the windows when they smacked together. Both men were hospitalized with severe head injuries. Their cars weren't scratched.
The New Priest
A new priest at his first mass was so scared, he could hardly speak. After the Mass was over he asked the Monsignor how he'd done? The Monsignor said fine, but next time it might help if you put some gin or vodka in your glass to help relax you. The next Sunday the priest put some vodka in his glass and really talked up a storm. After the Mass he asked the Monsignor how he'd done? The Monsignor says fine but there are a few things we need to get straightened out:
There are 10 commandments not 12.
There are 12 disciples not 10.
David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
Next Sunday there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
The Father, Son and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as Big Daddy, Junior, and The Spook.
They crucified Jesus, they didn't nail his ass to the cross.
"No wonder you're tired"
There are 200 million Americans, 85 million are over age 65, 76 million are under age 21. That leaves only 38 million to do the work. But, 5 million are in the armed forces. That leaves 32 million to do the work. But, 15 million work for the government and that leaves 11 million to do the work. 10 million are in school. That leaves 1 million to do the work. but, 750,000 are disabled or sick. That leaves 250,000 to do the work. Last week there were 249,998 people in jail. That leaves 2 people to do the work. And since I don't do that much work, it's no wonder you're so tired!
We Should Be So Lucky
More is asked of modern managers, with less future security, than ever before. Yet most managers still fell lucky to be where they are.
Lucky, at least, in the sense of a sign posted on a ranch in Wyoming which proclaims:
NOTICE:LOST DOGLeft ear missingLarge scar on right sideTip of tail goneRecently castratedAnswerers to the name,"Lucky"
Please Notice
At this busy season of the year, in order to make things easier for all of us. Please note this important notice about notices.
You may have noticed the increased number of notices for you to notice. We notice that some of our notices have been noticed. On the other hand, some of our notices have not been noticed. This is very noticeable! It has further been noticed that the responses to the notices have been noticeably unnoticeable.
This notice is to remind you to notice the notices because we do not want the notices to go unnoticed.
The guys down at the bowling alley figure the delivery man has seduced every woman on our street except one," Harvy told his wife.She thought for a moment. "I'll bet it's that snooty Mrs. Jenkins."
There was a farm boy pulling a Large wagon down the road. As he passed his nearest neighbors' house the wagon tipped over! The neighbor heard all the commotion and came running out of his house.
Neighbor: What was that?! Are you okay?!
Boy: Yeah, my wagon just tipped over, all of the vegetables I was taking to the market spilled out onto the road!
Neighbor: Tell ya' what; I'll help you pick up all of the vegetables, but you will have to come eat dinner with me; you see, it's almost ready; then we'll come out and pick up this mess!
Boy: I - I - I don't know, my pa'll be awful mad!
Neighbor: Don't worry, we'll be quick.
Boy: Okay.
After dinner. . . .
Boy: Wow, that was a GREAT dinner!
Neighbor: Thanks. Let's have some desert! My wife's the best cook of Apple Pie in the country!
Boy: Well, okay...but my pa's gonna be REAL mad!
After desert. . . .
Boy: I gotta go pick up the wagon now!
Neighbor: Are you sure? Would you like to rest a bit first?
Boy: I really can't my dad would kill me!
Neighbor: Well, where the heck IS your pa, anyway?
Boy: Under the wagon.
The final word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the
British or Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the
British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than
the British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans.
The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and
suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what
kills you.
It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the
British or Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the
British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than
the British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans.
The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and
suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what
kills you.
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's
card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman
who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was
quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to
handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card.
The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a
gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a
body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told
him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox,
and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's
card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman
who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was
quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to
handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card.
The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a
gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a
body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told
him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox,
and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!
>>There was this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his
>>drink. He didn't move for a half-an-hour. Then, this big
>>trouble-making truck driver stepped up right next to him, took the
>>drink from the guy, and just drank it all down. The poor man
>>started crying.
>>
>>The truck driver turned and said: "Come on man, I was just joking.
>>Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man
>>crying."
>>
>>"No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First, I
>>overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss became
>>outraged and fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found
>>out that it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I
>>then got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and
>>the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab. I got
>>home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home
>>depressed and came to this bar. And now, when I was thinking about
>>putting an end to my life, YOU show up and drink my poison."
>>
>>drink. He didn't move for a half-an-hour. Then, this big
>>trouble-making truck driver stepped up right next to him, took the
>>drink from the guy, and just drank it all down. The poor man
>>started crying.
>>
>>The truck driver turned and said: "Come on man, I was just joking.
>>Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man
>>crying."
>>
>>"No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First, I
>>overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss became
>>outraged and fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found
>>out that it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I
>>then got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and
>>the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab. I got
>>home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home
>>depressed and came to this bar. And now, when I was thinking about
>>putting an end to my life, YOU show up and drink my poison."
>>
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A world survey recently conducted by the UN posed the following question:
"Could you please give us your opinion about the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
This was a huge failure due to the following reasons:
In Africa, no one knows what "food" is.
In Western Europe, no one knows what "shortage" is.
In Eastern Europe no one knows what "opinion" is.
In South America no one knows what "please" means.
In the US no one knows what "rest of the world" means.
"Could you please give us your opinion about the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
This was a huge failure due to the following reasons:
In Africa, no one knows what "food" is.
In Western Europe, no one knows what "shortage" is.
In Eastern Europe no one knows what "opinion" is.
In South America no one knows what "please" means.
In the US no one knows what "rest of the world" means.
An airplane was about to crash.....there were 5 passengers aboard, but only 4 parachutes. The first passenger, Bill Clinton said, "I am an ex-President of the United States, and I still have great responsibilities, being the leader of nearly 300 million people, and a superpower, etc." So he takes the first parachute, and jumps out of the plane. The second passenger, said, I'm Antoine Walker, one of the best NBA basketball players, and the Boston Celtics need me, so I cannot die." So he takes the
second parachute, and leaves the plane. The third passenger, Hillary Clinton, said "I am the wife of the ex-President of the United States, and a New York Senator.....also I am the smartest woman in the world." So she gears up and exits the plane. The fourth passenger, an old man, says to the fifth passenger, a 10 year old Boy Scout, "I am old and frail and don't have much time left, so as a Christian gesture and good deed, I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute." The boy scout said, "It's okay, there's a parachute left for you AND me! The worlds smartest woman just took my backpack."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Smooth seas do not make skillful sailors.
...African Proverb
Another version:
An airplane was about to crash; there were 5
>>passengers on board
>> >>but only 4 parachutes.
>> >>
>> >>The first passenger, said, I'm Kobe Bryant, The best
>>NBA Basketball
>> >>player, the Lakers need me, I can't afford to die."
>>So he took the
>> >>first pack and left the plane.
>> >>
>> >>The second passenger, Hillary, said, "I am the wife
>>of the former
>> >>President of the United States, I am the most
>>ambitious woman in
>> >>the world, I am also a New York Senator and a
>>potential future
>> >>President." She took the second parachute and jumped
>>out of the
>> >>plane.
>> >>
>> >>The third passenger, George W Bush, said, "I'm
>>President of the
>> >>United States, I have a great responsibility being
>>the leader of a
>> >>superpower nation. Above all I'm the cleverest
>>President in
>> >>American history, the American people won't let me
>>die". So he put
>> >>on the pack next to him and jumped out of the plane.
>> >>
>> >>The fourth passenger, The Pope, said to the fifth
>>passenger, a
>> >>10-year old school boy, "I am old and frail and I
>>don't have many
>> >>years left, as a Christian I will sacrifice my life
>>and let you
>> >>have the last parachute.
>> >>
>> >>The boy said, "It's OK, there's a parachute left for
>>you. America's
>> >>cleverest President has taken my school backpack."
second parachute, and leaves the plane. The third passenger, Hillary Clinton, said "I am the wife of the ex-President of the United States, and a New York Senator.....also I am the smartest woman in the world." So she gears up and exits the plane. The fourth passenger, an old man, says to the fifth passenger, a 10 year old Boy Scout, "I am old and frail and don't have much time left, so as a Christian gesture and good deed, I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute." The boy scout said, "It's okay, there's a parachute left for you AND me! The worlds smartest woman just took my backpack."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Smooth seas do not make skillful sailors.
...African Proverb
Another version:
An airplane was about to crash; there were 5
>>passengers on board
>> >>but only 4 parachutes.
>> >>
>> >>The first passenger, said, I'm Kobe Bryant, The best
>>NBA Basketball
>> >>player, the Lakers need me, I can't afford to die."
>>So he took the
>> >>first pack and left the plane.
>> >>
>> >>The second passenger, Hillary, said, "I am the wife
>>of the former
>> >>President of the United States, I am the most
>>ambitious woman in
>> >>the world, I am also a New York Senator and a
>>potential future
>> >>President." She took the second parachute and jumped
>>out of the
>> >>plane.
>> >>
>> >>The third passenger, George W Bush, said, "I'm
>>President of the
>> >>United States, I have a great responsibility being
>>the leader of a
>> >>superpower nation. Above all I'm the cleverest
>>President in
>> >>American history, the American people won't let me
>>die". So he put
>> >>on the pack next to him and jumped out of the plane.
>> >>
>> >>The fourth passenger, The Pope, said to the fifth
>>passenger, a
>> >>10-year old school boy, "I am old and frail and I
>>don't have many
>> >>years left, as a Christian I will sacrifice my life
>>and let you
>> >>have the last parachute.
>> >>
>> >>The boy said, "It's OK, there's a parachute left for
>>you. America's
>> >>cleverest President has taken my school backpack."
Comments
> > > > This is really fun and very accurate. And it takes 2
> > > > minutes...
> > > >
> > > > Take this test for yourself...and send it to your
> > > > friends, including me, and let them know who you
> > > > are.
> > > >
> > > > My score is in the subject box...
> > > > Don't peek but begin the test as you scroll down and
> > > > answer.
> > > > Answers are for who you are now...not who you were
> > > > in the past.
> > > >
> > > > Have pen or pencil and paper ready.
> > > >
> > > > This is a real test given by the Human Relations
> > > > Dept. at many of the major corporations today. It
> > > > helps them get a better insight concerning their
> > > > employees and prospective employees.
> > > >
> > > > It's only 10 simple questions, so...
> > > > Grab a pencil and paper, keeping track of your
> > > > 'LETTER' answers for each of the questions.
> > > >
> > > > Make sure to change the subject of the e-mail
> > > > to read YOUR total. When you are finished,
> > > > forward this to everyone you know, and also
> > > > send it to the person who sent this to you.
> > > >
> > > > Make sure to put YOUR score in the subject box.
> > > >
> > > > Ready? Begin...
> > > >
> > > > 1. When do you feel your best?
> > > >
> > > > (a) in the morning
> > > > (b) during the afternoon & early evening
> > > > (c) late at night
> > > >
> > > > 2. You usually walk
> > > > (a) fairly fast, with long steps
> > > > (b) fairly fast, with short, quick steps
> > > > (c) less fast head up, looking the world in the face
> > > > (d) less fast, head down
> > > > (e) very slowly
> > > >
> > > > 3. When talking to people you
> > > > (a) stand with your arms folded
> > > > (b) have your hands clasped
> > > > (c) have one or both your hands on your hips
> > > > (d) touch or push the person to whom you are talking
> > > > (e) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth
> > > > your hair
> > > >
> > > > 4. When relaxing, you sit with
> > > > (a) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by
> > > > side
> > > > (b) your legs crossed
> > > > (c) your legs stretched out or straight
> > > > (d) one leg curled under you
> > > >
> > > > 5. When something really amuses you, you react with
> > > > (a) a big, appreciative laugh
> > > > (b) a laugh, but not a loud one
> > > > (c) a quiet chuckle
> > > > (d) a sheepish smile
> > > >
> > > > 6. When you go to a party or social gathering you..
> > > > (a) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you
> > > > (b) make a quiet entrance, looking around for
> > > > someone you know
> > > > (c) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay
> > > > unnoticed
> > > >
> > > > 7. You're working very hard, concentrating hard, and
> > > > you're interrupted. Do you..
> > > >
> > > > (a) welcome the break
> > > > (b) feel extremely irritated
> > > > (c) vary between these two extremes
> > > >
> > > > 8. Which of the following colors do you like most?
> > > > (a) red or orange
> > > > (b) black
> > > > (c) yellow or light blue
> > > > (d) green
> > > > (e) dark blue or purple
> > > > (f) white
> > > > (g) brown or gray
> > > >
> > > > 9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few
> > > > moments before going to sleep, you lie
> > > > (a) stretched out on your back
> > > > (b) stretched out face down on your stomach
> > > > (c) on your side, slightly curled
> > > > (d) with your head on one arm
> > > > (e) with your head under the covers
> > > >
> > > > 10. You often dream that you are
> > > > (a) falling
> > > > (b) fighting or struggling
> > > > (c) searching for something or somebody
> > > > (d) flying or floating
> > > > (e) you usually have dreamless sleep
> > > > (f) your dreams are always pleasant
> > > >
> > > > POINTS:
> > > > 1.
> > > > (a) 2
> > > > (b) 4
> > > > (c) 6
> > > >
> > > > 2.
> > > > (a) 6
> > > > (b) 4
> > > > (c) 7
> > > > (d) 2
> > > > (e) 1
> > > >
> > > > 3.
> > > > (a) 4
> > > > (b) 2
> > > > (c) 5
> > > > (d) 7
> > > > (e) 6
> > > >
> > > > 4.
> > > > (a) 4
> > > > (b) 6
> > > > (c) 2
> > > > (d) 1
> > > >
> > > > 5.
> > > > (a) 6
> > > > (b) 4
> > > > (c) 3
> > > > (d) 5
> > > > (e) 2
> > > >
> > > > 6.
> > > > (a) 6
> > > > (b) 4
> > > > (c) 2
> > > >
> > > > 7.
> > > > (a) 6
> > > > (b) 2
> > > > (c) 4
> > > >
> > > > 8.
> > > > (a) 6
> > > > (b) 7
> > > > (c) 5
> > > > (d) 4
> > > > (e) 3
> > > > (f) 2
> > > > (g) 1
> > > >
> > > > 9.
> > > > (a) 7
> > > > (b) 6
> > > > (c) 4
> > > > (d) 2
> > > > (e) 1
> > > >
> > > > 10.
> > > > (a) 4
> > > > (b) 2
> > > > (c) 3
> > > > (d) 5
> > > > (e) 6
> > > > (f) 1
> > > >
> > > > Now add up the total number of points.
> > > >
> > > > OVER 60 POINTS: Others see you as someone they
> > > > should "handle with care". You're seen as vain,
> > > > self-centered, and who is extremely dominant.
> > > > Others may admire you, wishing they could be more
> > > > like you, but don't always trust you, hesitating to
> > > > become too deeply involved with you.
> > > >
> > > > 51 TO 60 POINTS: Others see you as an exciting,
> > > > highly volatile, rather impulsive personality; a
> > > > natural leader, who's quick to make decisions,
> > > > though not always the right ones. They see you as
> > > > bold and adventuresome, someone who will try
> > > > anything once; someone who takes chances and
> > > > enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your
> > > > company because of the excitement you radiate.
> > > >
> > > > 41 TO 50 POINTS: Others see you as fresh, lively,
> > > > charming, amusing, practical, and always
> > > > interesting; someone who's constantly in the
> > > > center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced
> > > > not to let it go to their head. They also see you
> > > > as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone
> > > > who'll
> > > > always cheer them up and help them out.
> > > >
> > > > 31 TO 40 POINTS: Others see you as sensible,
> > > > cautious, careful & practical. They see you as
> > > > clever, gifted, or talented, but modest... Not a
> > > > person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but
> > > > someone who's extremely loyal to friends you do make
> > > > and who expect the same loyalty in return. Those
> > > > who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to
> > > > shake your trust in your friends, but equally that
> > > > it takes you a long time to get over it if that
> > > > trust is ever broken.
> > > >
> > > > 21 TO 30 POINTS: Your friends see you as painstaking
> > > > and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely
> > > > careful, a slow and steady plodder. It'd really
> > > > surprise them if you ever did something impulsively
> > > > or on the spur of the moment, expecting you to
> > > > examine everything carefully from every angle and
> > > > then, usually decide against it. They think this
> > > > reaction is caused partly by your careful nature.
> > > >
> > > > UNDER 21 POINTS: People think you are shy, nervous,
> > > > and indecisive, someone who needs looking after, who
> > > > always wants someone else to make the decisions & who
> > > > doesn't want to get involved with anyone or anything.
> > > > They see you as a worrier who always sees problems
> > > > that don't exist. Some people think you're boring.
> > > > Only those who know you well know that you aren't.
> > > >
> > > > Now forward this on to everyone you know, making
> > > > sure to put YOUR score in the subject box!
> > > > minutes...
> > > >
> > > > Take this test for yourself...and send it to your
> > > > friends, including me, and let them know who you
> > > > are.
> > > >
> > > > My score is in the subject box...
> > > > Don't peek but begin the test as you scroll down and
> > > > answer.
> > > > Answers are for who you are now...not who you were
> > > > in the past.
> > > >
> > > > Have pen or pencil and paper ready.
> > > >
> > > > This is a real test given by the Human Relations
> > > > Dept. at many of the major corporations today. It
> > > > helps them get a better insight concerning their
> > > > employees and prospective employees.
> > > >
> > > > It's only 10 simple questions, so...
> > > > Grab a pencil and paper, keeping track of your
> > > > 'LETTER' answers for each of the questions.
> > > >
> > > > Make sure to change the subject of the e-mail
> > > > to read YOUR total. When you are finished,
> > > > forward this to everyone you know, and also
> > > > send it to the person who sent this to you.
> > > >
> > > > Make sure to put YOUR score in the subject box.
> > > >
> > > > Ready? Begin...
> > > >
> > > > 1. When do you feel your best?
> > > >
> > > > (a) in the morning
> > > > (b) during the afternoon & early evening
> > > > (c) late at night
> > > >
> > > > 2. You usually walk
> > > > (a) fairly fast, with long steps
> > > > (b) fairly fast, with short, quick steps
> > > > (c) less fast head up, looking the world in the face
> > > > (d) less fast, head down
> > > > (e) very slowly
> > > >
> > > > 3. When talking to people you
> > > > (a) stand with your arms folded
> > > > (b) have your hands clasped
> > > > (c) have one or both your hands on your hips
> > > > (d) touch or push the person to whom you are talking
> > > > (e) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth
> > > > your hair
> > > >
> > > > 4. When relaxing, you sit with
> > > > (a) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by
> > > > side
> > > > (b) your legs crossed
> > > > (c) your legs stretched out or straight
> > > > (d) one leg curled under you
> > > >
> > > > 5. When something really amuses you, you react with
> > > > (a) a big, appreciative laugh
> > > > (b) a laugh, but not a loud one
> > > > (c) a quiet chuckle
> > > > (d) a sheepish smile
> > > >
> > > > 6. When you go to a party or social gathering you..
> > > > (a) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you
> > > > (b) make a quiet entrance, looking around for
> > > > someone you know
> > > > (c) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay
> > > > unnoticed
> > > >
> > > > 7. You're working very hard, concentrating hard, and
> > > > you're interrupted. Do you..
> > > >
> > > > (a) welcome the break
> > > > (b) feel extremely irritated
> > > > (c) vary between these two extremes
> > > >
> > > > 8. Which of the following colors do you like most?
> > > > (a) red or orange
> > > > (b) black
> > > > (c) yellow or light blue
> > > > (d) green
> > > > (e) dark blue or purple
> > > > (f) white
> > > > (g) brown or gray
> > > >
> > > > 9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few
> > > > moments before going to sleep, you lie
> > > > (a) stretched out on your back
> > > > (b) stretched out face down on your stomach
> > > > (c) on your side, slightly curled
> > > > (d) with your head on one arm
> > > > (e) with your head under the covers
> > > >
> > > > 10. You often dream that you are
> > > > (a) falling
> > > > (b) fighting or struggling
> > > > (c) searching for something or somebody
> > > > (d) flying or floating
> > > > (e) you usually have dreamless sleep
> > > > (f) your dreams are always pleasant
> > > >
> > > > POINTS:
> > > > 1.
> > > > (a) 2
> > > > (b) 4
> > > > (c) 6
> > > >
> > > > 2.
> > > > (a) 6
> > > > (b) 4
> > > > (c) 7
> > > > (d) 2
> > > > (e) 1
> > > >
> > > > 3.
> > > > (a) 4
> > > > (b) 2
> > > > (c) 5
> > > > (d) 7
> > > > (e) 6
> > > >
> > > > 4.
> > > > (a) 4
> > > > (b) 6
> > > > (c) 2
> > > > (d) 1
> > > >
> > > > 5.
> > > > (a) 6
> > > > (b) 4
> > > > (c) 3
> > > > (d) 5
> > > > (e) 2
> > > >
> > > > 6.
> > > > (a) 6
> > > > (b) 4
> > > > (c) 2
> > > >
> > > > 7.
> > > > (a) 6
> > > > (b) 2
> > > > (c) 4
> > > >
> > > > 8.
> > > > (a) 6
> > > > (b) 7
> > > > (c) 5
> > > > (d) 4
> > > > (e) 3
> > > > (f) 2
> > > > (g) 1
> > > >
> > > > 9.
> > > > (a) 7
> > > > (b) 6
> > > > (c) 4
> > > > (d) 2
> > > > (e) 1
> > > >
> > > > 10.
> > > > (a) 4
> > > > (b) 2
> > > > (c) 3
> > > > (d) 5
> > > > (e) 6
> > > > (f) 1
> > > >
> > > > Now add up the total number of points.
> > > >
> > > > OVER 60 POINTS: Others see you as someone they
> > > > should "handle with care". You're seen as vain,
> > > > self-centered, and who is extremely dominant.
> > > > Others may admire you, wishing they could be more
> > > > like you, but don't always trust you, hesitating to
> > > > become too deeply involved with you.
> > > >
> > > > 51 TO 60 POINTS: Others see you as an exciting,
> > > > highly volatile, rather impulsive personality; a
> > > > natural leader, who's quick to make decisions,
> > > > though not always the right ones. They see you as
> > > > bold and adventuresome, someone who will try
> > > > anything once; someone who takes chances and
> > > > enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your
> > > > company because of the excitement you radiate.
> > > >
> > > > 41 TO 50 POINTS: Others see you as fresh, lively,
> > > > charming, amusing, practical, and always
> > > > interesting; someone who's constantly in the
> > > > center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced
> > > > not to let it go to their head. They also see you
> > > > as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone
> > > > who'll
> > > > always cheer them up and help them out.
> > > >
> > > > 31 TO 40 POINTS: Others see you as sensible,
> > > > cautious, careful & practical. They see you as
> > > > clever, gifted, or talented, but modest... Not a
> > > > person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but
> > > > someone who's extremely loyal to friends you do make
> > > > and who expect the same loyalty in return. Those
> > > > who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to
> > > > shake your trust in your friends, but equally that
> > > > it takes you a long time to get over it if that
> > > > trust is ever broken.
> > > >
> > > > 21 TO 30 POINTS: Your friends see you as painstaking
> > > > and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely
> > > > careful, a slow and steady plodder. It'd really
> > > > surprise them if you ever did something impulsively
> > > > or on the spur of the moment, expecting you to
> > > > examine everything carefully from every angle and
> > > > then, usually decide against it. They think this
> > > > reaction is caused partly by your careful nature.
> > > >
> > > > UNDER 21 POINTS: People think you are shy, nervous,
> > > > and indecisive, someone who needs looking after, who
> > > > always wants someone else to make the decisions & who
> > > > doesn't want to get involved with anyone or anything.
> > > > They see you as a worrier who always sees problems
> > > > that don't exist. Some people think you're boring.
> > > > Only those who know you well know that you aren't.
> > > >
> > > > Now forward this on to everyone you know, making
> > > > sure to put YOUR score in the subject box!
An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final
exam after an entire semester dealing with a broad array of
topics.
The class was already seated and ready to go when the
professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and
wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this
semester, prove that this chair does not exist."
Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious
fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour
attempting to refute the existence of the chair.
One member of the class however, was up and finished in
less than a minute.
Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the
group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had
barely written anything at all.
They found his answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"
exam after an entire semester dealing with a broad array of
topics.
The class was already seated and ready to go when the
professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and
wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this
semester, prove that this chair does not exist."
Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious
fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour
attempting to refute the existence of the chair.
One member of the class however, was up and finished in
less than a minute.
Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the
group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had
barely written anything at all.
They found his answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"
A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar (might have been a pickle jar) and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2 in diameter. He asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was. So then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the student again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else, said the professor, I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things -- your family, your partner, your health, your children -- anything that is so important to you that if it were lost, you would be nearly destroyed. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your energy and time on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks first -- the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.
-Who's calling?
-Watt.
-What is your name, please?
-Watt's my name.
-That's what I asked you.
-What's your name?
-That's what I told you.
-Watt's my name.
A long pause, and then from Watt,
-Is this James Brown?
-No, this is Knott.
-Please tell me your name.
-Will Knott.
-Why not?
-Huh? What do you mean why not?
-Yeah! Why won't you tell me your name?
-But I told you my name!
-Didn't you say you will not?
-Not not, knott, Will Knott!
-That's what I mean.
-So you know my name.
-Of course not!
-Good. So now, what is yours?
-Watt. Yours?
-Your name!
-Watt's my name.
-How the hell do I know? I am asking you!
-Look I have been very patient and I have told you my
name and you have
not
even told me yours yet.
-You have been patient, what about me? I have told you
my name so many
times and it is you who have not told me yours yet.
-Of course not!
-See, you even know my name!
-Of course not!
-Then why do you keep saying of course Knott?
-Because I don't...
[Pause]
-What is your name?
-See, you know my name!
-Of course not!
-Then why do you keep asking Watt is your name?
-To find out your name!
-But you already know it!
-What?
-See, and you know mine!
-Of course not!
-Exactly!
-Listen, listen, wait; if I asked you what your name
is, what will be
your
answer?
-Watt's my name.
-No, no, give me only one word.
-Watt
-Your name!
-Right!
(pause before it hits him]
-Oh, Wright!
-Yeah!
-So why didn't you say it before?
-I told you so many times!
-You never said Wright before
-Of course I did.
-Ok I won't argue any more.
-Do you know my name?
-I do not.
-Well, there you go, now we know each other's name.
-I do not!
-Good!
[pause before it hits him]
-Oh, Guud!
-Good.
-No wonder, it took me so long, is that Dutch?
-No, it's Knott!
-Oh, okay. At least the names are clear now Guud.
-Yes Wright.
-Watt.
-What is your name, please?
-Watt's my name.
-That's what I asked you.
-What's your name?
-That's what I told you.
-Watt's my name.
A long pause, and then from Watt,
-Is this James Brown?
-No, this is Knott.
-Please tell me your name.
-Will Knott.
-Why not?
-Huh? What do you mean why not?
-Yeah! Why won't you tell me your name?
-But I told you my name!
-Didn't you say you will not?
-Not not, knott, Will Knott!
-That's what I mean.
-So you know my name.
-Of course not!
-Good. So now, what is yours?
-Watt. Yours?
-Your name!
-Watt's my name.
-How the hell do I know? I am asking you!
-Look I have been very patient and I have told you my
name and you have
not
even told me yours yet.
-You have been patient, what about me? I have told you
my name so many
times and it is you who have not told me yours yet.
-Of course not!
-See, you even know my name!
-Of course not!
-Then why do you keep saying of course Knott?
-Because I don't...
[Pause]
-What is your name?
-See, you know my name!
-Of course not!
-Then why do you keep asking Watt is your name?
-To find out your name!
-But you already know it!
-What?
-See, and you know mine!
-Of course not!
-Exactly!
-Listen, listen, wait; if I asked you what your name
is, what will be
your
answer?
-Watt's my name.
-No, no, give me only one word.
-Watt
-Your name!
-Right!
(pause before it hits him]
-Oh, Wright!
-Yeah!
-So why didn't you say it before?
-I told you so many times!
-You never said Wright before
-Of course I did.
-Ok I won't argue any more.
-Do you know my name?
-I do not.
-Well, there you go, now we know each other's name.
-I do not!
-Good!
[pause before it hits him]
-Oh, Guud!
-Good.
-No wonder, it took me so long, is that Dutch?
-No, it's Knott!
-Oh, okay. At least the names are clear now Guud.
-Yes Wright.
Comments
![[email]](/mailer.php?attach=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.anvari.org%2Fdb%2Ffun%2FMisc%2FPhotography_in_Museum.jpg&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.anvari.org%2Ffun%2FMisc%2FPhotography_in_Museum.html&subject=Photography in Museum)
Feudalism:
You have two cows.
Your lord takes some of the milk.
Fascism:
You have two cows.
The government takes both, hires you to take
care of them and sells you the milk.
Applied Communism:
You have two cows.
You must take care of them, but the government
takes all the milk.
Totalitarianism:
You have two cows.
The government takes them both and denies they
ever existed.
Milk is banned.
Pure Democracy:
You have two cows.
You and your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
Representative Democracy:
You have two cows.
Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets
the milk.
Mexican Democracy:
You have two cows.
The government takes both and drafts you into the
army.
Great Britain:
You have two cows.
The government shoots one cow because it has mad
cow disease.
The government comes back and shoots the other
one because it has foot and mouth disease.
European Democracy:
You have two cows.
The EU commission decides which regulations for
feeding and milking apply. If there aren't any,
they invent some.
They pay you not to milk the cows. They take both
cows, shoot one, milk the other and pour the milk
down the drain. They then require you to fill out
forms accounting for the missing cows.
American Democracy:
The government promises to give you two cows,
if you vote for it.
After the election, the president is impeached
for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs
the affair "cowgate," but supports the president.
The cows sue you for breach of contract. Your
legal bills exceed your annual income. You settle
out of court and declare bankruptcy.
Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
Venture Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly-listed
company, using letters of credit opened by your
brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a
debt/equity swap with an associated general offer
so that you get all four cows back, with a tax
exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the
six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a
Cayman Island company secretly owned by the
majority shareholder who sells the rights to all
seven cows back to your listed company. The
annual
report says the company owns eight cows, with
an option on one more. - no Balance Sheet
provided with the release.
You have two cows.
Your lord takes some of the milk.
Fascism:
You have two cows.
The government takes both, hires you to take
care of them and sells you the milk.
Applied Communism:
You have two cows.
You must take care of them, but the government
takes all the milk.
Totalitarianism:
You have two cows.
The government takes them both and denies they
ever existed.
Milk is banned.
Pure Democracy:
You have two cows.
You and your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
Representative Democracy:
You have two cows.
Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets
the milk.
Mexican Democracy:
You have two cows.
The government takes both and drafts you into the
army.
Great Britain:
You have two cows.
The government shoots one cow because it has mad
cow disease.
The government comes back and shoots the other
one because it has foot and mouth disease.
European Democracy:
You have two cows.
The EU commission decides which regulations for
feeding and milking apply. If there aren't any,
they invent some.
They pay you not to milk the cows. They take both
cows, shoot one, milk the other and pour the milk
down the drain. They then require you to fill out
forms accounting for the missing cows.
American Democracy:
The government promises to give you two cows,
if you vote for it.
After the election, the president is impeached
for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs
the affair "cowgate," but supports the president.
The cows sue you for breach of contract. Your
legal bills exceed your annual income. You settle
out of court and declare bankruptcy.
Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
Venture Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly-listed
company, using letters of credit opened by your
brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a
debt/equity swap with an associated general offer
so that you get all four cows back, with a tax
exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the
six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a
Cayman Island company secretly owned by the
majority shareholder who sells the rights to all
seven cows back to your listed company. The
annual
report says the company owns eight cows, with
an option on one more. - no Balance Sheet
provided with the release.
What's the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and
refrigerator.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mom.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How do you know when you're really ugly?
Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How do you know when you're leading a pathetic life?
When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mom's have Mother's day, Dad's have Father's day, what do single guys have?
Palm Sunday.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts?
Her navel.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
Bingo machine.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people could have sex, too.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Georgia?
Everyone has the same DNA.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had a retarded baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why do drivers education classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?
A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front the cage, along with a recipe.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the Cuban National Anthem?
Row, row, row your boat.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A Southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."
Nudity
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and
refrigerator.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mom.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How do you know when you're really ugly?
Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How do you know when you're leading a pathetic life?
When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mom's have Mother's day, Dad's have Father's day, what do single guys have?
Palm Sunday.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts?
Her navel.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
Bingo machine.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people could have sex, too.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Georgia?
Everyone has the same DNA.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had a retarded baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why do drivers education classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?
A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front the cage, along with a recipe.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the Cuban National Anthem?
Row, row, row your boat.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A Southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."
A man worked in a post office. His job was to process all mail that had illegible addresses.
One day a letter came to his desk, addressed in a shaky handwriting to God.
He thought, "I better open this one and see what it's all about."
So he opened it and it read:
"Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had a hundred dollars in it which was all the money I had until my next pension check."
"Next Sunday is Easter, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with."
"I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?"
The postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter to all the others.
Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected 96 dollars, which they put into an envelope and sent over to her.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done.
Easter came and went, and a few days later came another letter from the old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read, "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?"
"Because of your generosity, I was able to fix a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift."
"By the way, there was 4 dollars missing. It was no doubt those thieving bastards at the post office."
One day a letter came to his desk, addressed in a shaky handwriting to God.
He thought, "I better open this one and see what it's all about."
So he opened it and it read:
"Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had a hundred dollars in it which was all the money I had until my next pension check."
"Next Sunday is Easter, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with."
"I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?"
The postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter to all the others.
Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected 96 dollars, which they put into an envelope and sent over to her.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done.
Easter came and went, and a few days later came another letter from the old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read, "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?"
"Because of your generosity, I was able to fix a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift."
"By the way, there was 4 dollars missing. It was no doubt those thieving bastards at the post office."
Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation. To
improve their chances of having a real vacation, they
decided not to wear anything that would identify them
as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed
for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts,
shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in
their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach
chairs, enjoying their drink, the sunshine and the
scenery when a drop dead, gorgeous, blonde in a tiny
bikini came walking straight towards them. They
couldn't help but stare. When she passed them, she
smiled and said, "Good morning, Father,” nodding and
addressing each of them individually, then passed on
by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she
recognize them as priests?
The next day they went back to the store and bought
even more outrageous outfits - outfits so loud you
could hear them coming before you even saw them. Once
again, they settled down on the beach to enjoy the
sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous blonde came
walking toward them. Again, she approached them and
greeted them individually, said "Good morning Father,"
and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't
stand it.
"Just a minute young lady," he said. "Yes, we are
priests, and proud of it, but I have to know: how in
the world did you know we are priests?" "Father, it's
me, Sister Veronica.”
A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached
the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?"
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't
come into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
"We do not use language like that here," she said. "Please go
outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong
with your 'ear' or whatever."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my 'ear,'" he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with
your ear, sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.
the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?"
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't
come into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
"We do not use language like that here," she said. "Please go
outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong
with your 'ear' or whatever."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my 'ear,'" he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with
your ear, sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.
Professors of different subjects define the same word in different ways:
Prof. of Computer Science:
A kiss is a few bits of love compiled into a byte.
Prof. of Algebra:
A kiss is two divided by nothing.
Prof. of Geometry:
A kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines.
Prof. of Physics:
A kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.
Prof. of Chemistry:
A kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.
Prof. of Zoology:
A kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary bacteria.
Prof. of Physiology:
A kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicular ors muscles in the state of contraction.
Prof. of Dentistry:
A kiss is infectious and antiseptic.
Prof. of Accountancy:
A kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.
Prof. of Economics:
A kiss is that thing for which the demand is higher than the supply.
Prof. of Statistics:
A kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of 36-24-36.
Prof. of Philosophy:
A kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.
Prof. of English:
A kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.
Prof. of Engineering:
Uh, What? I'm not familiar with that term.
Prof. of Computer Science:
A kiss is a few bits of love compiled into a byte.
Prof. of Algebra:
A kiss is two divided by nothing.
Prof. of Geometry:
A kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines.
Prof. of Physics:
A kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.
Prof. of Chemistry:
A kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.
Prof. of Zoology:
A kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary bacteria.
Prof. of Physiology:
A kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicular ors muscles in the state of contraction.
Prof. of Dentistry:
A kiss is infectious and antiseptic.
Prof. of Accountancy:
A kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.
Prof. of Economics:
A kiss is that thing for which the demand is higher than the supply.
Prof. of Statistics:
A kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of 36-24-36.
Prof. of Philosophy:
A kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.
Prof. of English:
A kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.
Prof. of Engineering:
Uh, What? I'm not familiar with that term.
An English professor wrote the words,
"Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard
and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
"Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard
and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
What's the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity
***************
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.
***************
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes
***************
How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
***************
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
**************
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
***************
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
**************
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
**************
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade.
Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.
**************
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
*************
What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
***************
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
**************
What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1 and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
**************
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
***************
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Kentucky?
Everyone has the same DNA.
**************
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
***************
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
****************
What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?
A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.
***************
What's the Cuban National Anthem?
Row row row your boat.
***************
What's the difference between a Northern fairy tale and a Southern fairy tale?
A Northern fairy tale begins "Once upon a time." A Southern fairy tale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."
Nudity
***************
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.
***************
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes
***************
How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
***************
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
**************
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
***************
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
**************
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
**************
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade.
Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.
**************
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
*************
What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
***************
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
**************
What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1 and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
**************
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
***************
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Kentucky?
Everyone has the same DNA.
**************
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
***************
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
****************
What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?
A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.
***************
What's the Cuban National Anthem?
Row row row your boat.
***************
What's the difference between a Northern fairy tale and a Southern fairy tale?
A Northern fairy tale begins "Once upon a time." A Southern fairy tale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."
Comments
![[email]](/mailer.php?attach=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.anvari.org%2Fdb%2Ffun%2FMisc%2FQuestion.gif&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.anvari.org%2Ffun%2FMisc%2FQuestion.html&subject=Question)
What's the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good
looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the
biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mom.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How do you know when you're leading a pathetic life?
When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts?
Her navel.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had a retarded baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the Cuban National Anthem?
Row, row, row your boat.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A Southern fairytale begins
"Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."
Nudity
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good
looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the
biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mom.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How do you know when you're leading a pathetic life?
When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts?
Her navel.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had a retarded baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the Cuban National Anthem?
Row, row, row your boat.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A Southern fairytale begins
"Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."
"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and
have
a tremendous impact on history."
...George W. Bush
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
...George W. Bush to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93
"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a
firm
commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe." ...George W. Bush
"Public speaking is very easy." ...George W. Bush to reporters
"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican"
...George W. Bush
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the
polls."
...George W. Bush
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
...George
W. Bush 9/22/97
"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
...George W. Bush, 9/5/93
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our
children."
...George W. Bush, 9/18/95
"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that
George
Bush may or may not make."
...George W. Bush
"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on
the
mistakes we may or may not have made." ...Governor George W. Bush
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities
in
our air and water that are doing it."
...George W. Bush
"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system." ...George
W.
Bush
have
a tremendous impact on history."
...George W. Bush
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
...George W. Bush to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93
"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a
firm
commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe." ...George W. Bush
"Public speaking is very easy." ...George W. Bush to reporters
"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican"
...George W. Bush
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the
polls."
...George W. Bush
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
...George
W. Bush 9/22/97
"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
...George W. Bush, 9/5/93
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our
children."
...George W. Bush, 9/18/95
"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that
George
Bush may or may not make."
...George W. Bush
"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on
the
mistakes we may or may not have made." ...Governor George W. Bush
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities
in
our air and water that are doing it."
...George W. Bush
"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system." ...George
W.
Bush
By: Brian A. "Drew" Chalker
People always come into your life for a reason, a season and a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, or to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or even spiritually. They may seem like a godsend to you, and they are. They are there for a reason,you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die, Sometimes they just walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilleed; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.
When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season. And like Spring turns to Summer and Summer to Fall, the season eventually ends.
LIFETIME, relationships teach you a lifetime of lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway);, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas in your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant. Thank you for being part of my life.....
I noticed you have "A reason A season and A lifetime" on your website. My husband wrote this and is currently applying for a copyright for the piece. Would you mind adding his name as the author? His name is Brian A. "Drew" Chalker. I noticed that you do not have the original version. At the end of this email, Ive added the original version and would appreciate very much if you would change your page to reflect it.
Thanks in advance,
Drew and Lori Chalker
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Old Version
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reason, Season, or Lifetime
What are you??? Are you a Reason a Season or a Lifetime?
Pay attention to what you read. After you read this, you will know the reason it was sent to you! People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON. . . It is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong
doing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.
Then people come into your life for a SEASON. Because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind
but friendship is clairvoyant.
THANK YOU for being a part of my life.
Work like you don't need the money
Love like you've never been hurt, and
dance like no one is watching.
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
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1. De-tune heads while band is eating dinner.
2. Hit power breaker during band.s set. [Classic]
3. Find out guitar player.s girlfriend.s name and yell that she gives good head between songs.
4. Find out guitar player.s mother.s name and yell that she gives good head between songs.
5. Cover back of guitar neck with Vaseline.
6. Throw (lit or unlit) fireworks on stage.
7. Fake a fight with a friend during a ballad.
8. Open jar of deer hunting urine musk on stage seconds before the band performs (note: also yell .Looks like the rut is starting early this year. during set).
9. Bee.s nest inside kick drum microphone hole.
10. Pay ten girls to chant .Rapist!. at the lead singer.
11. Be in the opening band and play the headlining band.s set before them.
12. Get a job as the house sound guy and put flange on everything. After the band.s set, tell them you used to be Tears for Fears touring sound guy.
13. Bring a megaphone and repeat all the band.s in between song chatter.
14. Convince local Nazi organizations that the band features former members of Skrewdriver.
15. Two words: Pepper Spray.
16. Hide an amp near the stage and play along in the bathroom via a wireless unit.
17. Spike band.s water with LSD or Ecstasy.
18. Glue all the picks to the stage floor.
19. Throw $10,000 of fake money into the crowd seconds before the band.s encore.
20. Set fire to a bag of leaves (or hair) and throw it on the soundboard.
21. Get a photo pass for the show, and bring an 1890.s era (read: pull the hood over your head to take the picture) camera which must be set on stage in order for it to work.
22. Call all local radio stations and tell them the show is cancelled. (extra points for rescheduling show for the next week at the local humane shelter and/or rival club)
23. Hire a professional wrestler to challenge the singer to a match.
24. Help band load in early, telling the band you.re part of the club staff. Then fifteen minutes into their set, give them the .pointing-at-your-watch-pissed-off. face, mouthing that they have one more song left.
25. Get all of your friend.s to help throw 5,000 teabags at the drummer throughout the entire show. (Bonus: try to hit his water cup and make actual tea!)
26. Make fictitious pornographic video tape boxes featuring the band.s logo and their faces on the actors/actresses. When the merch guy is gone for even a second, stuff the video tapes in the t-shirt box. Immediately call the cops and inform them that the band is distributing pornographic material to minors. Stand back and watch the drama unfold.
27. Lock band in dressing room as the crowd chants for an encore. [Classic]
28. Hook a CD player in the soundboard and play studio versions of the band.s songs over the PA while they perform the exact same songs live.
29. Bring your dog to the show where the guitarist jumps into the crowd (e.g. The Mooney Suzuki) and claim he kicked your dog. Cause as much of a ruckus as you can.
30. Put cooking grease on the stage prior to performance.
31. Pull fire alarm during band.s set. [Classic]
32. Tell the soundman you.re there from a dot com fanzine to record the show, and run an auxiliary out of the vocals to a harmonizer allowing you to detune anything in any fashion you see fit.
33. Have a banner rigged at the back of the stage that you can control to have pulled down and at height of performance, trigger the release of the .We Suck Dick For Crack. banner.
34. Pay the local pregnant crack whore to claim the bass player got her pregnant for .His Mama.s Baby..
35. Just let the band suck on their own.
2. Hit power breaker during band.s set. [Classic]
3. Find out guitar player.s girlfriend.s name and yell that she gives good head between songs.
4. Find out guitar player.s mother.s name and yell that she gives good head between songs.
5. Cover back of guitar neck with Vaseline.
6. Throw (lit or unlit) fireworks on stage.
7. Fake a fight with a friend during a ballad.
8. Open jar of deer hunting urine musk on stage seconds before the band performs (note: also yell .Looks like the rut is starting early this year. during set).
9. Bee.s nest inside kick drum microphone hole.
10. Pay ten girls to chant .Rapist!. at the lead singer.
11. Be in the opening band and play the headlining band.s set before them.
12. Get a job as the house sound guy and put flange on everything. After the band.s set, tell them you used to be Tears for Fears touring sound guy.
13. Bring a megaphone and repeat all the band.s in between song chatter.
14. Convince local Nazi organizations that the band features former members of Skrewdriver.
15. Two words: Pepper Spray.
16. Hide an amp near the stage and play along in the bathroom via a wireless unit.
17. Spike band.s water with LSD or Ecstasy.
18. Glue all the picks to the stage floor.
19. Throw $10,000 of fake money into the crowd seconds before the band.s encore.
20. Set fire to a bag of leaves (or hair) and throw it on the soundboard.
21. Get a photo pass for the show, and bring an 1890.s era (read: pull the hood over your head to take the picture) camera which must be set on stage in order for it to work.
22. Call all local radio stations and tell them the show is cancelled. (extra points for rescheduling show for the next week at the local humane shelter and/or rival club)
23. Hire a professional wrestler to challenge the singer to a match.
24. Help band load in early, telling the band you.re part of the club staff. Then fifteen minutes into their set, give them the .pointing-at-your-watch-pissed-off. face, mouthing that they have one more song left.
25. Get all of your friend.s to help throw 5,000 teabags at the drummer throughout the entire show. (Bonus: try to hit his water cup and make actual tea!)
26. Make fictitious pornographic video tape boxes featuring the band.s logo and their faces on the actors/actresses. When the merch guy is gone for even a second, stuff the video tapes in the t-shirt box. Immediately call the cops and inform them that the band is distributing pornographic material to minors. Stand back and watch the drama unfold.
27. Lock band in dressing room as the crowd chants for an encore. [Classic]
28. Hook a CD player in the soundboard and play studio versions of the band.s songs over the PA while they perform the exact same songs live.
29. Bring your dog to the show where the guitarist jumps into the crowd (e.g. The Mooney Suzuki) and claim he kicked your dog. Cause as much of a ruckus as you can.
30. Put cooking grease on the stage prior to performance.
31. Pull fire alarm during band.s set. [Classic]
32. Tell the soundman you.re there from a dot com fanzine to record the show, and run an auxiliary out of the vocals to a harmonizer allowing you to detune anything in any fashion you see fit.
33. Have a banner rigged at the back of the stage that you can control to have pulled down and at height of performance, trigger the release of the .We Suck Dick For Crack. banner.
34. Pay the local pregnant crack whore to claim the bass player got her pregnant for .His Mama.s Baby..
35. Just let the band suck on their own.
A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of
him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large
empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks
about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full?
They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles
and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of
course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the
students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it
into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. "Now," said the
professor, "I want you to recognise that this is your life.
The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your
health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only
they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other
things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is
everything else. The small stuff." "If you put the sand into the jar first,
there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life.
If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never
have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the
things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take
time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will
always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix
the disposal." "Take care of the rocks first - the things that really
matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
But then...
A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor
agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the
beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.
The moral of this tale is:
that no matter how full your life is, there is always room for a beer.
him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large
empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks
about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full?
They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles
and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of
course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the
students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it
into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. "Now," said the
professor, "I want you to recognise that this is your life.
The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your
health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only
they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other
things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is
everything else. The small stuff." "If you put the sand into the jar first,
there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life.
If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never
have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the
things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take
time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will
always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix
the disposal." "Take care of the rocks first - the things that really
matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
But then...
A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor
agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the
beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.
The moral of this tale is:
that no matter how full your life is, there is always room for a beer.
Well if you ever plan to motor west
Travel my way, take the highway that's the best
Get your kicks on Route 66
Well it winds from Chicago to LA
More than two thousand miles all the way
Get your kicks on Route 66
Well it goes to St. Louis, down to Missouri
Oklahoma City looks oh, so pretty
You'll see Amarillo, Gallup, New Mexico
Flagstaff, Arizona, don't forget Wynonna
Kingman, Barstow, San Bernardino
If you get hip to this kind of trip
I think I'll take that California trip
Get your kicks on Route 66
Travel my way, take the highway that's the best
Get your kicks on Route 66
Well it winds from Chicago to LA
More than two thousand miles all the way
Get your kicks on Route 66
Well it goes to St. Louis, down to Missouri
Oklahoma City looks oh, so pretty
You'll see Amarillo, Gallup, New Mexico
Flagstaff, Arizona, don't forget Wynonna
Kingman, Barstow, San Bernardino
If you get hip to this kind of trip
I think I'll take that California trip
Get your kicks on Route 66
SANTA CLAUS: AN ENGINEER'S PERSPECTIVE
There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the
world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu,
Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the
workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according
to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5
children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that
there is at least one good child in each.
Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different
time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west
(which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is
to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around
1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney,
fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat
whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into
the sleigh and get on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 108
million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we
know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we
are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million
miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is
moving at 650 miles per second--3,000 times the speed of sound. For
purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space
probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer
can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.
The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that
each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the
sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself.
On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even
granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount,
the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them--Santa would need
360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the
sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen
Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).
600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air
resistance--this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a
spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer
would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short,
they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer
behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire
reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or
right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.
Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from
a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to
acceleration forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems
ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015
pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to
a quivering blob of pink goo.
Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now. Merry Christmas.
There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the
world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu,
Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the
workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according
to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5
children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that
there is at least one good child in each.
Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different
time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west
(which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is
to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around
1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney,
fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat
whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into
the sleigh and get on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 108
million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we
know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we
are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million
miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is
moving at 650 miles per second--3,000 times the speed of sound. For
purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space
probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer
can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.
The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that
each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the
sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself.
On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even
granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount,
the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them--Santa would need
360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the
sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen
Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).
600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air
resistance--this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a
spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer
would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short,
they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer
behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire
reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or
right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.
Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from
a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to
acceleration forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems
ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015
pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to
a quivering blob of pink goo.
Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now. Merry Christmas.
Comments
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Six ways to catch a lion:
1. Newton's Method:
Let, the lion catch you. For every action there is equal and
opposite reaction. Implies you caught lion
2. Einstein Method:
Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion. Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also run faster and will get tired soon. Now you can trap it easily.
3. Schrodinger Method:
At any given moment, there is a positive probability that lion to
be in the cage. So set the trap, sit down and wait.
4. Inverse Transformation Method:
We place a spherical cage in the forest and enter it. Perform an
inverse transformation with respect to lion. Lion is in and we are out.
5. Thermodynamic Procedure:
We construct a semi-permeable membrane which allows everything to
pass it except lions. Then sweep the entire forest with it.
6. Integration Differential Method:
Integrate the forest over the entire area. The lion is some where
in the result. So differentiate the result PARTIALLY w.r.t lion to trace out thelion.
Once all the scientists died and & went to heaven they decided to play hide-n-seek.
unfortunately Einstein was the once who has the den,
he was suppose to count till 100 and then start searching.
every one started hiding except NEWTON.
Newton Just drew a square of 1 meter and staood inside it right in front of "Einstein"
Einstein counting..... 97,98,99......... 100.....
He opened his eyes and found Newton standing just in front of him.
Einstein yelled Newton out.
Newton denied and claimed that he was not "Newton"
All the scientist came and Newton gave them prove that he was not Newton.
HOW??
His Proof:
Newton said:
I am standing in a square of area 1 square meter.
Newton per square meter (N/m2)
hence I am "PASCAL"
as, one Newton per square meter is one PASCAL!
unfortunately Einstein was the once who has the den,
he was suppose to count till 100 and then start searching.
every one started hiding except NEWTON.
Newton Just drew a square of 1 meter and staood inside it right in front of "Einstein"
Einstein counting..... 97,98,99......... 100.....
He opened his eyes and found Newton standing just in front of him.
Einstein yelled Newton out.
Newton denied and claimed that he was not "Newton"
All the scientist came and Newton gave them prove that he was not Newton.
HOW??
His Proof:
Newton said:
I am standing in a square of area 1 square meter.
Newton per square meter (N/m2)
hence I am "PASCAL"
as, one Newton per square meter is one PASCAL!
A woman walking down a residential street, noticed a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. She called out to him as she passed.
"Hello there! I couldn't help but notice how happy you look. What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he replied. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat nothing but fast food, and never exercise."
"Wow!" The woman was amazed. "How old are you?" she asked.
"Twenty-six," he replied.
"Hello there! I couldn't help but notice how happy you look. What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he replied. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat nothing but fast food, and never exercise."
"Wow!" The woman was amazed. "How old are you?" she asked.
"Twenty-six," he replied.
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Sex is:
like Nokia (connecting people)
like Nike (Just do it)
like Pepsi (ask for more)
like Coca Cola (Enjoy)
like me (too good to be true)
like Nokia (connecting people)
like Nike (Just do it)
like Pepsi (ask for more)
like Coca Cola (Enjoy)
like me (too good to be true)
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Comments
1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door
won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and! your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps from noon to 6 PM!
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of
one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM, would severely upset,
rather than settle, your stomach.
19. If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid,
not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going
to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home t o save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that
doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt.
Then you forward it to a bunch of old pals & friends 'cause you know
they'll enjoy it & do the same
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door
won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and! your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps from noon to 6 PM!
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of
one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM, would severely upset,
rather than settle, your stomach.
19. If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid,
not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going
to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home t o save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that
doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt.
Then you forward it to a bunch of old pals & friends 'cause you know
they'll enjoy it & do the same
1 star hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco
nap which has given you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you
are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You
can drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. You are craving a steak bomb and
a side of gravy fries.
2 star hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have
the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only
exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a rootie tootie fresh and
fruity pancake breakfast from IHOP. There is some definite havoc being
wreaked upon your bowels.
3 star hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive.
Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the
random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer 86'd
you at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with
a dozen donuts and a meatball hero watching the E! fashion awards. You've
had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 Snapples and a liter of diet coke
yet you haven't peed once.
4 star hangover (****) Life sucks.
Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke.
Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a
lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the
fact that you missed an oh so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like
you put your make up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like
one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class
picture of Grover Cleveland HS, class of '84.
5 star hangover,(*****) AKA "Dante's 4th Circle of Hell." You have a second
heartbeat in your head which is actually annoying the employee who sits in
the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you
dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from
brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the shit fairy out.
Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is
suffocating you. Death seems pretty good right now. You definitely don't
remember who you were with, where you were, what you drank, and why there is
a stranger still sleeping in your bed at your otherwise empty house.
6 star hangover (******) Otherwise known as the "Infinite Nut smacker" You
wake up on your bathroom floor. For about 2 seconds you look at the
ceiling, wondering if the cool refreshing feeling on your cheek is the
bathroom tile or your vomit from 5 hours ago. It is amazing how your
roommate was as drunk as you, but somehow managed to getup before you.
You try to lift your head. Not an option. Then you inadvertently turn Your
head too quickly and smell the funk of 13 packs of cigarettes in your hair.
Suddenly you realize you were smoking, but not ultra lights...some jackass
handed you Marlboro reds, and you smoked them like it was your second full
time job. You look in the mirror only to see remnants of the stamp "Ready to
Rock" faintly atop your forehead......the stamp on the back of your hand
that has magically appeared on your forehead by alcoholic osmosis. You have
to be to work in t-minus 14 minutes and the only thing you can think of
wearing is your "hello kitty" pajamas and your slippers.
No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco
nap which has given you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you
are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You
can drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. You are craving a steak bomb and
a side of gravy fries.
2 star hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have
the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only
exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a rootie tootie fresh and
fruity pancake breakfast from IHOP. There is some definite havoc being
wreaked upon your bowels.
3 star hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive.
Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the
random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer 86'd
you at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with
a dozen donuts and a meatball hero watching the E! fashion awards. You've
had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 Snapples and a liter of diet coke
yet you haven't peed once.
4 star hangover (****) Life sucks.
Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke.
Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a
lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the
fact that you missed an oh so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like
you put your make up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like
one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class
picture of Grover Cleveland HS, class of '84.
5 star hangover,(*****) AKA "Dante's 4th Circle of Hell." You have a second
heartbeat in your head which is actually annoying the employee who sits in
the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you
dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from
brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the shit fairy out.
Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is
suffocating you. Death seems pretty good right now. You definitely don't
remember who you were with, where you were, what you drank, and why there is
a stranger still sleeping in your bed at your otherwise empty house.
6 star hangover (******) Otherwise known as the "Infinite Nut smacker" You
wake up on your bathroom floor. For about 2 seconds you look at the
ceiling, wondering if the cool refreshing feeling on your cheek is the
bathroom tile or your vomit from 5 hours ago. It is amazing how your
roommate was as drunk as you, but somehow managed to getup before you.
You try to lift your head. Not an option. Then you inadvertently turn Your
head too quickly and smell the funk of 13 packs of cigarettes in your hair.
Suddenly you realize you were smoking, but not ultra lights...some jackass
handed you Marlboro reds, and you smoked them like it was your second full
time job. You look in the mirror only to see remnants of the stamp "Ready to
Rock" faintly atop your forehead......the stamp on the back of your hand
that has magically appeared on your forehead by alcoholic osmosis. You have
to be to work in t-minus 14 minutes and the only thing you can think of
wearing is your "hello kitty" pajamas and your slippers.
111 SLICK WILLY JOKES (PG-13)
#####################
Once upon a time there was a governor called Slick Willy. He was very
slick indeed and had certain ideas on how to win an election. You
see, one of his heroes had taught him a seemingly infallible method.
Infallible method for winning elections
---------------------------------------
(1) Choose a `minority' (BUT do not define it too clearly).
(This step won't work with a majority.)
(2) Portray this minority as `the root of all evil'.
(Even if you know it isn't, lying is allowed on this step.)
(3) Then sit back while the `majority' votes you into power.
(Later you can treat the majority and minority alike.)
(4) Go to your bunker - Eva is waiting.
Of course, we all know who Slick Willy's hero is - the Fuhrer himself
- Adolf Hitler. Hitler chose as his minority the Jews. Slick Willy
has chosen the rich. From a historical standpoint, Slick Willy has
the winning edge here. He has chosen the proven road of the Marxists.
However, one must forgive Hitler and try to understand his
flexibility. Germany was left with nothing after WWI. Even Germans
of Jewish descent had no money. So he couldn't very well target the
rich now could he. Were he alive today, I'm sure the little guy would
endorse Slick Willy's procedure. After, all they are both agents of
change, and admit that character is a non-issue.
Hitler efficiently, and with little effort, eradicated 6 million of
the `minority') and went on to sucessfully lose the war. Slick Willy
already has his liberal gestapos in the field getting ready for the
moment he is elected. Just wait for the day some gutless unwashed
homo with a pink Slick Willy arm band says to you "How dare you have a
job, a family, and a home. How dare you be happy? What kind of an
American are you?" Or "Exactly how long HAVE you been selling Kool-Aid
on this corner little boy? May I see your W2 form?" Slick Willy has
been up late checking out all of the possible definitions and
interpretations of the word "RICH" - it means "Just about everybody!".
Why The Jokes?
--------------
If movies such as "The Producers" by Mel Brooks (featuring the song
"Springtime for Hitler and Germany") and The Great Dictator (starring
Charlie Chaplin) had of been shown in the theaters before Hitler's
rise, there would have been NO HITLER. Put another way, Hitler was a
funny little jerk until a naive majority empowered him to kill 6
million of the minority. It is for that reason that I have
unselfishly given of my valuable time to create the following comedic
`gems'. If these jokes make you see Slick Willy for the incredible
buffoon that he is, and thus vote against him, I will feel amply
rewarded.
********** Here they come, Bon Appetit!!!!! **********
1) It's not common knowledge that Slick Willie tried to get into the
Army as an 8F - in case of an enemy invasion, he'd be sent overseas!
2) Slick Willy is for higher learning. He wants to subsidize
'training bras'.
3) I don't want to say that Willy is Slick, but he convinced Mario
Cuomo that capital punishment is acceptable ONLY if it's not too
severe.
4) Hillary has always been spouting off at the mouth. Until she was 6
months old, her parents were diapering the wrong end!
5) When Slick Willy was a baby, he bawled all night. Now only the
spelling has been changed.
6) One night, when Slick Willy was in bed with Jennifer Flowers, he
heard the front door open. Jennifer quickly said "That must be my
husband, ... go faster .... I'm coming ... I'm coming" Slick Willy
quickly added "Kiss my ass, I'm going ... I'm going"
7) The polls show that Slick Willy might be president. I don't want
to say it could be a rough economy but I just saw a squirrel bury 4
acorns and a can of sterno.
8) Hillary found Slick Willy in bed with another woman and angrily
asked "What the hell are you doing?". Slick Willy looked at her with
disgust, then looked down at his bimbo and said "Didn't I tell you she
was stupid?"
9) Hillary comes home one day to find Slick Willy in bed with a
midget. Her face becomes contorted (more than it usually is) when she
screams "You promised you'd never cheat on me again." Slick Willy
innocently looks up at her and replies "Can't you see I'm trying to
taper off".
10) Hillary confides to Tipper that Slick Willy has cut her down to
sex two times a month. Tipper says to her "Don't feel too bad, I know
a girl he cut out completely."
11) In sizing up the global economy, Slick Willy said, "There's
nothing more expensive than a girl who's free for the evening."
12) Slick Willy is so politically correct his favorite color is plaid!
13) Slick Willy was speaking in front of a group of small business
owners and says "Remember, we were put on this earth to help OTHERS",
to which one of the owners replies, "And what were the OTHERS put here
for?"
14) Slick Willy is like an unemployed schoolteacher? No class and no
priciples!
15) In his high school year book, Slick Willy was chosen as the "Boy
Most Likely To"
16) Slick Willy must be with the secret service...he's always
undercover"
17) What's the difference between a dead dog in the middle of the road
and a dead liberal? There are skid marks in front of the dead
dog.....
18) What did Slick Willy whisper to Jennifer Flowers concerning the
Martin Luther King holiday? "Shoot four more and we'll take the whole
week off"
19) You know what happened when Slick Willy went swimming in the ocean
- OIL SLICK!!!
20) Why is the democratic party like granola? Cause once you get
passed all the fruits and the nuts, all you have left is the flakes!
21) Slick Willy stopped calling Hillary "the little woman" once she
started calling him "the big mistake".
22) Slick Willy takes Hillary out every night...but she keeps coming
back.
23) Slick Willy is a guy who'd like to do all the things Hillary
thinks he does.
24) Slick Willy's not a 'yes-man'. When Hillary says "no", he says
"no".
25) When Slick Willy married Hillary, he lost his liberty in pursuit
of happiness.
26) They say "It's a priviledge to be able to pay taxes". If Slick
Willy becomes president, I will have to give up the priviledge.
27) I built a business so that my children would someday take it over.
However, if Slick Willy is elected, the government will certainly
beat my children to it.
28) Slick Willy will finally put poverty within our reach!
29) "Don't put off until tomorrow what you can do today". After all,
Slick Willy will have a tax on it by then.
30) Slick Willy just invented a new drink called the `tax cocktail'.
After an extramartial partner drinks two of them, she withholds
nothing...
31) Slick Willy plans to lick inflation. According to Jennifer
Flowers, it's the only thing left for him to lick.
32) Slick Willy is the flower of manhood - he's a blooming idiot!
33) I wouldn't say that Hillary is rotten, but you get the feeling Eva
Braun didn't die in that bunker.
34) They once caught Slick Willy skinny dipping in the pool - the
secretarial pool that is....
35) If Slick Willy becomes president, `going-out-of-business' stores
will!
36) A very concerned Slick Willy once said to his girl friend's
obstetrician "Tell me the truth doctor, how long do I have to leave
town?'
37) Slick Willy once got beaten up for kissing the bride. It was
three years after the ceremony.
38) Slick Willy once told Al Bore "I'll sleep with rich or poor girls
anywhere and anytime". Al asks "What's the difference?" Slick Willy
says "Well, those that are poor, I help out".
39) Slick Willy called an electrician to do some home repairs and
found out that he charged $85 per hour. Slick Willy said "Eighty-five
dollars an hour? I never made that much even when I was governor" The
electrician replied "Neither did I when YOU were governor....!!
40) With Mario Cuomo's legislative record on abortion, when he goes to
confession, he brings his lawyer! (I know. These are supposed to be
Slick Willy jokes... I'm sorry ... my mind wandered ...)
41) If George Bush were to say "Listen, America. Opportunity is
knocking", Slick Willy would complain about the noise.
42) Slick Willy has invented a new antiperspirant - unemployment!!
43) When Slick Willy was asked how he felt about lesbians, he said "I
don't know, I've never been to Beirut."
44) You can always tell when Slick Willy is lying....his lips are
moving.
45) Slick Willy once remarked incredulously "If George Washington
never told a lie, HOW did he become president?"
46) When Slick Willy becomes president, he'll make us all `tap dancers
in the canoe of life'.
47) Teddy's new boat was bright blue
Had a date with a maiden he knew
The coroner found
The poor girl had drowned
Kissing Ted in his leaky canoe!! (oops,my mind wandered again!)
48) Unhappy at the state of little Slick Willy's room, his mother came
up with a new rule: Every time she picked something up, he would have
to pay her a dime. At the end of the first week she added up the
chores and asked Slick Willy for ninety cents. He paid her and said
"Thanks Ma .... Keep up the good work...."
49) Slick Willy promises UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICES WITH VALET PARKING.
50) Don't let anybody kid you. Slick Willy's been in love with the
same woman for years. But if Hillary ever finds out, she'll kill
him...
51) Slick Willy always has said "It is better to have loved and
lost.... much better......"
52) Slick Willy and Hillary were `riding the hobbyhorse' one night and
both noticed there was a lack of mutual enthusiasm. After a while
Slick Willy said "What's the matter Hillary ... can't you think of
anybody either?"
53) A family in Slick Willy's Arkansas finally found out why they had
trouble keeping up with the Joneses - the Joneses were on welfare.
54) After Slick Willy becomes president they'll be a lot of things
your money can't buy - like what your money bought a week ago.
55) Slick Willy said to a group of businessmen, "When I was a kid, I
wanted to be a pirate." They cheered in unison "Congratulations!"
56) Slick Willy's got property in Atlantic City. A motel still has
one of his bags.
57) A prostitute met ninety-year-old Slick Willy at a bar. In usual
form, he asked her if she wanted to have some fun. She said "Oh come
on, you've had it." He replied "Ok, how much do I owe you?"
58) Slick Willy, in defending his foreign policies, says "I know how
to handle the Arabs". A reporter asks "What would you do with the
Bedouins?". Slick Willy replies "The Bedouins we oppose .... the
Goodouins we support."
59) Slick Willy wanted Hillary in his arms, but instead, found her on
his hands.
60) The psychiatrist waited until His Royal Slickness was comfortable
on the couch, then said "Why don't you start at the beginning..."
Slick Willyy said "OK. In the beginning, I created the heavens and
the earth....."
61) The plane landed. Slick Willy, while walking down the mobile
steps, looked at the panorama and remarked "I have never seen such
utter devastation. It's amazing what a hurricane can do." The pilot
said "Governor, we were in Homestead yesterday, this is Arkansas."
62) If Slick Willy becomes president, many people will be willing to
trade their checks for the withholding.
63) If Slick Willy never inhaled, why is Hillary measuring the
presidential chair for a seat belt.
64) You can't call Slick Willy a cheap politician. He cost his state
a fortune.
65) Slick Willie is more than happy to stand on his record. That way,
nobody can see it.
66) Slick Willy is just the man to get the country moving. If he
wins, I'm moving.
67) Slick Willy and Hillary had just consummated their marriage.
Hillary asked Willy "Was I the first?". He replied "Why does
everybody ask me that question!"
68) A conductor went down the aisle of the train shouting "Change for
Marietta...Change for Marietta". A very young Slick Willy said "I
don't know who this Marietta is, but I'll throw in a quarter for her."
69) They now have a train that can go 200 miles an hour through
Arkansas. Considering the results of the Slick Willy governorship,
that's not a bad way to go through Arkansas.
70) Hillary has the look that turns heads ..... and stomachs too ...
71) A young black lady found herself in a delicate condition. Going
to see Slick Willy, the father, she said, "If you don't marry me, I'll
kill myself." To which his grand slickness replied "That's very nice
of you."
72) Slick Willy's `new covenant' clearly accepts all denominations -
tens, twenties, fifties, .............
73) When Chelsea was born to Hillary and Slick Willy, he asked "What
makes you think she's going to be a liberal democrat?" Hillary
replied "Cause like you, she says so many things that sound great and
mean nothing."
74) Many democrats in congress are calling it quits - there's nothing
left to steal....
75) Slick Willy's shades were falling fast
When for a kiss he asked her
She must have said "yes" because
Willy's shades came down much faster
76) Success hasn't changed Slick Willy. He's still the same lousy
womanizing bum he's always been ....
77) Did you know that Slick Willy once got a hernia during a
consciousness- raising session?
78) Slick Willy and Al Bore still haven't learned that a "communist"
is somebody who has nothing and wants to share it with you.
79) Slick Willy suddenly started to feel a pain in his groin. After
examining him, the doctor said, "How often do you make love?" Slick
Willy says "Three or four times a day with various extramarital
beauties and maybe twice a week with Hillary." The doctor says
"You're going to have to slow down. Why don't you start by cutting
out Hillary." Slick Willy replies "Damn it, I can't do that. If I do,
I'll have to make her Secretary of State."
80) Little known fact: When Slick Willy went on jury duty they found
him guilty.....
81) When Slick Willy was a youngster, he had an inferiority complex -
that was the last time he was right about anything!
82) For every woman that has made a fool out of Slick Willy, there is
another woman who has made a fool out of Slick Willy.
83) There are as many Slick Willys as there are whores to describe
him.
84) If Slick Willy had his life to live over, he shouldn't!
85) It's too bad Slick Willy has never had an X-ray. That way even
his supporters would be able to see through him...
86) Have you noticed that Vilhelm Von Slick Willy is always hoarse.
That's because he tries to prove he is right by being wrong at the top
of his lungs.
87) Slick Willy has promised to make us all upstanding citizens.
He'll take our furniture too!
88) Slick Willy has something in common with Adolf Hitler - they only
call Dial-A-Prayer to see if they have any messages....
89) In this picture we see Slick Willy and Al Bore working together
for the first time as members of the same tug-of-war team - they're
the 1st and 2nd jerks from the right.
90) Slick Willy has admitted "I'm glad Hillary has joined the feminist
movement. Now she complains about all men, not just me!
91) During a feminist demonstration, one feminazi was screaming "Free
Women! ... Free Women!" Slick Willy, who happened to be working his
way through the crowd, asked her quietly "Do you deliver?"
92) Slick Willy has been giving George Bush the benefit of his
inexperience.
93) Hillary wasn't born yesterday. Nobody could get that ugly in 24
hours.
94) Slick Willy says to Al Bore, "I can't break Hillary of the habit
of staying up until 5 in the morning." "What does she do?", Al asks.
"Waits for me to get home", Slick Willy answers.
95) If Slick Willy becomes president, he'll undoubtably hire a
beautiful secretary and make her the object of a presidential probe."
96) Slick Willy loves hi-tech computers. He always has his Wang in
his hand....
97) Slick Willy thinks Catholics are inferior
Yet, to win, he needs JFK's interior
"I'll get that vote"
Slick Willy wrote
"If I have to sleep with the Mother Superior"
(and he probably has).
98) When Hillary was in college, her mother said to her, "Don't play
with boys, they're too rough". Hillary replied "Don't worry mother,
I've found a teflon one."
99) As a business man, Slick Willy worries me. He thinks Dun &
Bradstreet is an intersection!
100) Tipper Bore says to Hillary, "Hey, I love your new panties and
bra". Hillary replies "Yeah, they are nice, Slick Willy got 'em for
me". Tipper says "Were they a suprise?" Hillary says "They sure
were...I came home...and there they were, hanging over a chair in the
bedroom...
101) Slick Willy was discussing his healthy sex life with Al Bore, the
environmental whacko, and Al, after hearing all of the sordid details
curiously askes Slick Willy, "Do you ever talk to Hillary after sex"
... Slick Willy says, "No, but I could, I have her office phone
number..."
102) One day Slick Willy was reading the newspaper. Hillary walked
over and, noticing a picture of Jennifer Flowers, broke into tears.
Slick Willy broke down and admitted having an affair. However, to
soften the blow, he showed Hillary the adjoining column which featured
a picture of Bush's supposed extramarital partner. After looking back
and forth at the two pictures, she looked at Slick Willy once again
and said "I like ours better...."
103) One day Slick Willy admitted to Al Bore "My wife Hillary is such
a liar." Al Bore said "What did she do?" Slick Willy said "She told me
she was with Jennifer Flowers all night last night." Al said "How do
you know it was a lie?" Slick Willy said "Because I spent last night
with Jennifer Flowers."
104) Slick Willy says to Hillary, "Listen dear, I'm having an
affair..." To which Hillary replies, "Really?.... Who's catering it?
....."
105) What's the difference between Slick Willy's platform and a messy
room? ...... You can straighten up a messy room.
106) When Slick Willy was recently asked about the new abortion bill,
he said, "Ah thought Ah paid it!"
107) Slick Willy fully supports the feminist movement in America
because "It gives all them babes something to do in their spare time."
108) What does Slick Willy have in common with Seven-Up?...........
Never had it, never will....
109) Al Bore has isolated the cause of sickle-cell anemia? It's from
the glue on food stamps! Good job, Al....
110) Know why Slick Willy has no freckles?.... they slid off ....
111) The biggest joke of all - Slick Willy as president. There is
nothing funnier (except the naive jerks that vote for him). On second
thought, maybe it's not so funny!?
& MORE ON THE WAY!!!!
#####################################################################
P.S. If you still think you might vote for Slick Willy, remember:
*****************************************************
* The measure of a man's character is what he *
* would be if he knew he would never be found out. *
*****************************************************
Just keep saying this over and over as you
reach for the deadly Slick Willy lever.
#####################################################################
Frank B. Wylde - The Master of Comedy
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Two guys are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there
are two terrible lady golfers in front of them hitting the ball
everywhere but where it's supposed to go.
The first guy says, "Why don't you go over and ask if we can play
through?" The second guy gets about halfway there, turns and comes
back. The first guy says, "What's wrong?"
He says, "One of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress."
The first guy says, "That could be a problem. I'll go over."
He gets about halfway there and he turns and comes back, too.
The second guy says, "What's wrong?"
The first guy says, "Small world!"
are two terrible lady golfers in front of them hitting the ball
everywhere but where it's supposed to go.
The first guy says, "Why don't you go over and ask if we can play
through?" The second guy gets about halfway there, turns and comes
back. The first guy says, "What's wrong?"
He says, "One of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress."
The first guy says, "That could be a problem. I'll go over."
He gets about halfway there and he turns and comes back, too.
The second guy says, "What's wrong?"
The first guy says, "Small world!"
> > An Indian walks into a New York City bank and asks to see the loan
> > officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks
and
> > needs to borrow $5,000.
> > The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for
such
a
> > loan, so the man hand over the keys of a new Rolls Royce parked on
the
> > street in front of the bank.
> > Everything is checked out, and the bank agrees to accept the car
as
> > collateral for the loan.
> > An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage
and
parks
> > it there.
> > Two weeks later, the man returns, repays the $5,000 and the
interest,
> > which comes to $15.41.
> > The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your
business,
and
> > this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little
puzzled.
> > While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a
> > multimillionaire.
> > What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
> > The Indian replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for
two
> > weeks for 15 bucks?"
> > Cheers!
> > Indians are Indians......., Smarts.
> > officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks
and
> > needs to borrow $5,000.
> > The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for
such
a
> > loan, so the man hand over the keys of a new Rolls Royce parked on
the
> > street in front of the bank.
> > Everything is checked out, and the bank agrees to accept the car
as
> > collateral for the loan.
> > An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage
and
parks
> > it there.
> > Two weeks later, the man returns, repays the $5,000 and the
interest,
> > which comes to $15.41.
> > The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your
business,
and
> > this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little
puzzled.
> > While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a
> > multimillionaire.
> > What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
> > The Indian replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for
two
> > weeks for 15 bucks?"
> > Cheers!
> > Indians are Indians......., Smarts.
Bill and Marla decided that the only way to
pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with
their ten-year-old son in the apartment was
to send him out on the balcony and tell him
to report on all the neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents
put their plan into operation. "There's a car
being towed from the parking lot," he said.
"An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called
out. "Matt's riding a new bike, and the Coopers
are having sex."
Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?"
the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too,"
his son replied.
pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with
their ten-year-old son in the apartment was
to send him out on the balcony and tell him
to report on all the neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents
put their plan into operation. "There's a car
being towed from the parking lot," he said.
"An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called
out. "Matt's riding a new bike, and the Coopers
are having sex."
Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?"
the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too,"
his son replied.
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couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because
she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if
he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a
ribbon around the dog's testicles and
he will stop snoring. "Yeah,right," she says.
A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins
snoring as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable
to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to
the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and
ties it carefully around the
dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog
stops snoring. The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home
drunk from being out with his
buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep,
and begins snoring loudly.
The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will
work on him. So she goes to the
closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon,
and carefully ties it around her
husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works
on him! The woman sleeps soundly.
The next morning, the husband wakes up hung over.
He stumbles into the
bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet,
he glances in the mirror
and sees a blue ribbon attached
to his privates. He is very
confused,and as he walks back into the bedroom,
he sees a red ribbon attached to his
dog's testicles. He shakes his head and
looks at the dog and says,"Boy,
I don't remember where we were or
what we did, but, by God, we got first
and second place."
she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if
he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a
ribbon around the dog's testicles and
he will stop snoring. "Yeah,right," she says.
A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins
snoring as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable
to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to
the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and
ties it carefully around the
dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog
stops snoring. The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home
drunk from being out with his
buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep,
and begins snoring loudly.
The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will
work on him. So she goes to the
closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon,
and carefully ties it around her
husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works
on him! The woman sleeps soundly.
The next morning, the husband wakes up hung over.
He stumbles into the
bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet,
he glances in the mirror
and sees a blue ribbon attached
to his privates. He is very
confused,and as he walks back into the bedroom,
he sees a red ribbon attached to his
dog's testicles. He shakes his head and
looks at the dog and says,"Boy,
I don't remember where we were or
what we did, but, by God, we got first
and second place."
1. Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
2. Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE PART II (JUST ARMING UP!)
1 . What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
2. What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
3. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.
4. What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.
5. How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
6. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
7. Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
8. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive,
caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
9. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
10. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.
11. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has
the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.
12. What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
13. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
14. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
15. Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use
the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE; PART III (Just Great Stuff)
1. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
2. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
3. Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"
4. What do you get when you cut off an Italian's right arm?
A Wop with a speech impediment.
5. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of
The cage along with... "A recipe".
6. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the "F" word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell BINGO!
7. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
8. My, my, how times have changed. Years ago...When 100 white men
chased one black man, we called It the Ku Klux Klan; today they call it
the PGA TOUR.
10. Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
Because it's worth it.
2. Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE PART II (JUST ARMING UP!)
1 . What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
2. What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
3. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.
4. What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.
5. How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
6. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
7. Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
8. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive,
caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
9. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
10. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.
11. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has
the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.
12. What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
13. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
14. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
15. Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use
the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE; PART III (Just Great Stuff)
1. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
2. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
3. Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"
4. What do you get when you cut off an Italian's right arm?
A Wop with a speech impediment.
5. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of
The cage along with... "A recipe".
6. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the "F" word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell BINGO!
7. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
8. My, my, how times have changed. Years ago...When 100 white men
chased one black man, we called It the Ku Klux Klan; today they call it
the PGA TOUR.
10. Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
Sometimes when you cry,
no one sees your tears...
Sometimes when you are in pain,
no one sees your hurt...
Sometimes when you are worried,
no one sees your stress...
Sometimes when you are happy,
no one sees your smile...
But...
FART Just One Time...
Everybody Knows!
no one sees your tears...
Sometimes when you are in pain,
no one sees your hurt...
Sometimes when you are worried,
no one sees your stress...
Sometimes when you are happy,
no one sees your smile...
But...
FART Just One Time...
Everybody Knows!
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Special welcome to our visitors from Magic Morning Show
The "Stella" awards rank up there with the Darwin
awards.
Stella Liebeck is the 81 year old lady who spilled
coffee on herself and sued McDonalds, winning
millions of dollars. This case inspired an annual
award - The "Stella" Award - for the most frivolous
lawsuits in the U.S.
The following are this year's candidates:
1. January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin Texas
was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after
breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was
running inside a furniture store. The owners of the
store were understandably surprised at the verdict,
considering the misbehaving little bastard was Ms.
Robertson's son.
2. June 1998: A 19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles
won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor
ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman
apparently didn't notice there was someone at the
wheel of the car, when he was trying to steal his
neighbor's hubcaps.
3. October 1998: Terrence Dickson of Bristol,
Pennsylvania was leaving a house he had just
finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not
able to get the garage door to go up since the
automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't
re-enter the house because the door connecting the
house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The
family
was on vacation. Mr. Dickson found himself locked in
the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case
of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food.
He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the
situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury
agreed to the tune of half a million dollars.
4. October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock,
Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses
after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door
neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its
owner's fenced-in yard. The award was less than
sought because the jury f elt the dog might have
been just a little provoked at the time by Mr.
Williams who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet
gun.
5. May 2000: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to
pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania $113,500
after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her
coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms.
Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier
during an argument.
6. December 1997: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware
successfully sued the owner of a night club in a
neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom
window to the floor and knocked out her two front
teeth. This occurred while Ms Walton was trying to
sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid
paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000
and dental expenses.
7. And the winner is: Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma
City. In November 2000 Mr. Grazinski purchased a
brand new 32 foot Winnebago motor home. On his
first trip home, having joined the freeway, he set the
cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's
seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of
coffee. Not surprisingly the Winnie left the freeway,
crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago
for not advising him in the handbook that he couldn't
actually do this. He was awarded $1,750,000 plus a
new Winnie. (Winniebago actually changed their owners
manuals because of this court case, just in case
there are any other complete morons buying their
vehicles.)
Note: Stella award lawsuits cannot be verified and might
not exist but are published for entertainment purposes.
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The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race
realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were
going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and
decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They
would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the
world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to
dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its
arms.
The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler
bitches in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest
Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest
puppy from each litter, removed his siblings which gave him all
the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years
came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen.
Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and
nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up
with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund.
Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there
was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with
the Russian dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund
came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the
Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage
and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close
enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's
mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was
nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in
disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We
had our best people working for five years with the meanest
Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and the biggest
meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic
surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a
Dachshund."
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A blond woman, a black woman and a hispanic woman
were traveling across country by jet. Half way through
the trip, the pilot comes on the intercom and
announces, "I have some bad news. We are having major
engine trouble and a crash is inevitable, so please
prepare yourself."
The blond immediately opens her purse and frantically
touches up her makeup. The hispanic woman say, "What
are you doing? We're going to crash! We're not going
to a party!"
The blond answers, "I know, but I heard that they
always save the beautiful people first in a crash."
The hispanic woman then goes through her purse and
puts on every bit of jewelry she has and puts on the
beautiful new sweater she was taking to her mother as
a gift.
The black woman see this and asks, "Girl, are you
crazy? What are you doing?"
The hispanic woman says, "I heard, that in a crash,
they always look for the rich people first."
The black woman then jumps up and removes her skirt
and panties. The other two women ask her what she is
doing.
"I don't know where you two get your information, but
when I see a plane crash on the news, the most
important thing is finding the black box!"
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Because :
No Study = Fail ....................... ( I )
Study = No Fail ............................ ( II )
By Combining ( I ) & ( II ) :
=====> ( No Study + Study ) = ( No Fail + Fail )
By Taking ( Study ) as a common factor in the left hand side
And Taking ( Fail ) as a common factor in the right hand side
=====> Study ( No + 1) = Fail (No + 1 )
By Dividing both sides by ( No + 1)
=====> Study = Fail
SO I ADVISE YOU TO STOP STUDYING
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Dilbert's Theorem on Salary states that Engineers, Teachers,
Programmers and Scientists can never earn as much salary as business
executives and sales people. This theorem can now be supported by a
mathematical equation based on the following three postulates:
Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power (Knowledge = Power)
Postulate 2: Time is Money (Time = Money)
Postulate 3: (as every Physics student knows): Power = Work / Time
It therefore follows:
Knowledge = Work / Time
and since Time = Money,
we have: Knowledge = Work / Money
Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity,
regardless of the amount of Work done.
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Why is HONEY golden in color?
A) Because of the Sun the flowers receive?
B) Because Flower Pollen is naturally Golden?
C) Because it's manufactured that way?
D) I don't know.
The answer may be found below.
A little lower...
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Special welcome to our visitors from Magic Morning Show
The "Stella" awards rank up there with the Darwin
awards.
Stella Liebeck is the 81 year old lady who spilled
coffee on herself and sued McDonalds, winning
millions of dollars. This case inspired an annual
award - The "Stella" Award - for the most frivolous
lawsuits in the U.S.
The following are this year's candidates:
1. January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin Texas
was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after
breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was
running inside a furniture store. The owners of the
store were understandably surprised at the verdict,
considering the misbehaving little bastard was Ms.
Robertson's son.
2. June 1998: A 19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles
won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor
ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman
apparently didn't notice there was someone at the
wheel of the car, when he was trying to steal his
neighbor's hubcaps.
3. October 1998: Terrence Dickson of Bristol,
Pennsylvania was leaving a house he had just
finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not
able to get the garage door to go up since the
automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't
re-enter the house because the door connecting the
house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The
family
was on vacation. Mr. Dickson found himself locked in
the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case
of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food.
He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the
situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury
agreed to the tune of half a million dollars.
4. October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock,
Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses
after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door
neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its
owner's fenced-in yard. The award was less than
sought because the jury f elt the dog might have
been just a little provoked at the time by Mr.
Williams who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet
gun.
5. May 2000: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to
pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania $113,500
after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her
coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms.
Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier
during an argument.
6. December 1997: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware
successfully sued the owner of a night club in a
neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom
window to the floor and knocked out her two front
teeth. This occurred while Ms Walton was trying to
sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid
paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000
and dental expenses.
7. And the winner is: Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma
City. In November 2000 Mr. Grazinski purchased a
brand new 32 foot Winnebago motor home. On his
first trip home, having joined the freeway, he set the
cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's
seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of
coffee. Not surprisingly the Winnie left the freeway,
crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago
for not advising him in the handbook that he couldn't
actually do this. He was awarded $1,750,000 plus a
new Winnie. (Winniebago actually changed their owners
manuals because of this court case, just in case
there are any other complete morons buying their
vehicles.)
Note: Stella award lawsuits cannot be verified and might
not exist but are published for entertainment purposes.
Comments
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Circle of life
At birth ........success is..........breathing.
At age 4........success is..........not peeing in your pants.
At age 12.......success is..........having friends.
At age 15.......success is..........having a drivers license.
At age 20.......success is..........having sex.
At age 35.......success is..........having money.
At age 50.......success is..........having money.
At age 60.......success is..........having sex.
At age 70.......success is..........having a drivers license.
At age 75.......success is..........having friends.
At age 80.......success is..........not peeing in your pants.
At age 90.......success is..........breathing
At birth ........success is..........breathing.
At age 4........success is..........not peeing in your pants.
At age 12.......success is..........having friends.
At age 15.......success is..........having a drivers license.
At age 20.......success is..........having sex.
At age 35.......success is..........having money.
At age 50.......success is..........having money.
At age 60.......success is..........having sex.
At age 70.......success is..........having a drivers license.
At age 75.......success is..........having friends.
At age 80.......success is..........not peeing in your pants.
At age 90.......success is..........breathing
1) The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6) Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10) To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
11) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
12) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
13) I don't have to be dead to donate my organ
14) I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
15) God must love stupid people, he made so many.
16) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
17) It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
18) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
19) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
20) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
21) CAT ~ The Other White Meat!
22) Beer ~ The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon!
23) I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work With Buttheads!
24) "Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam" - seen on Cape Cod
25) "That's It! I'm Calling Nana!" - (seen on an 8 year old)
26) "Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"
27) "Procrastinate Now"
28) "Rehab Is for Quitters"
29) "My Dog Can Lick Anyone"
30) "I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?
31) "Party - My Crib - Two A.M." (On a baby-size shirt)
32) "Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do What I've Been Doing Since 15"
33) "ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING"
34) "West Virginia: One Million People, and 15 last names"
35) "FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software."
36) "I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I'VE GOT A GUN"
37) "A hangover is the wrath of grapes"
38) "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance"
39) "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!"
40) "DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music"
41)"They call it "PMS" because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken"
42) "He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead"
43) "Time's fun when you're having flies.......Kermit the Frog"
44) "POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN .... Cops have nothing to go on."
45) "FOR SALE - Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once."
46) "HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH"
47) "A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS But it uses up a thousand times the memory."
48) "The Meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it."
49) "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."
50) "HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig."
51) "WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years."
52) "The trouble with life is there's no background music."
53) "IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX?"
54) "Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake!"
55) "The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson."
56) "MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT"
57) "Computer programmers don't byte, they nibble a bit."
58) "Computer programmers know how to use their hardware."
59) "MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team."
60) "NyQuil - The stuffy, Sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room spinning-medicine."
61) "Quoting one is plagiarism; Quoting many is research."
62) "My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't!"
2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6) Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10) To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
11) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
12) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
13) I don't have to be dead to donate my organ
14) I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
15) God must love stupid people, he made so many.
16) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
17) It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
18) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
19) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
20) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
21) CAT ~ The Other White Meat!
22) Beer ~ The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon!
23) I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work With Buttheads!
24) "Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam" - seen on Cape Cod
25) "That's It! I'm Calling Nana!" - (seen on an 8 year old)
26) "Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"
27) "Procrastinate Now"
28) "Rehab Is for Quitters"
29) "My Dog Can Lick Anyone"
30) "I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?
31) "Party - My Crib - Two A.M." (On a baby-size shirt)
32) "Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do What I've Been Doing Since 15"
33) "ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING"
34) "West Virginia: One Million People, and 15 last names"
35) "FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software."
36) "I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I'VE GOT A GUN"
37) "A hangover is the wrath of grapes"
38) "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance"
39) "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!"
40) "DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music"
41)"They call it "PMS" because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken"
42) "He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead"
43) "Time's fun when you're having flies.......Kermit the Frog"
44) "POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN .... Cops have nothing to go on."
45) "FOR SALE - Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once."
46) "HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH"
47) "A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS But it uses up a thousand times the memory."
48) "The Meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it."
49) "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."
50) "HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig."
51) "WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years."
52) "The trouble with life is there's no background music."
53) "IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX?"
54) "Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake!"
55) "The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson."
56) "MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT"
57) "Computer programmers don't byte, they nibble a bit."
58) "Computer programmers know how to use their hardware."
59) "MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team."
60) "NyQuil - The stuffy, Sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room spinning-medicine."
61) "Quoting one is plagiarism; Quoting many is research."
62) "My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't!"
Comments
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THE FOLLOWING IS A CHINESE GOOD LUCK TANTRA TOTEM.
This tantra totem has been sent to you for good luck. It has been sent around the world ten times so far. You will receive good luck within four days of relaying this tantra totem.
Send copies to people you think need good luck. Don't send money as fate has no price.
Do not keep this message. The tantra totem must leave your hands in 96 hours. You will get a very pleasant surprise. This is true, even if you are not superstitious.
ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
FOUR. When you say, "I love you", mean it.
FIVE. When you say, "I'm sorry", look the person in the eye.
SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.!
EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
TEN. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.
TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.
THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"
FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
FIFTEEN. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; Responsibility for all your actions.
EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
TWENTY ONE. Spend some time alone.
This tantra totem has been sent to you for good luck. It has been sent around the world ten times so far. You will receive good luck within four days of relaying this tantra totem.
Send copies to people you think need good luck. Don't send money as fate has no price.
Do not keep this message. The tantra totem must leave your hands in 96 hours. You will get a very pleasant surprise. This is true, even if you are not superstitious.
ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
FOUR. When you say, "I love you", mean it.
FIVE. When you say, "I'm sorry", look the person in the eye.
SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.!
EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
TEN. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.
TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.
THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"
FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
FIFTEEN. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; Responsibility for all your actions.
EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
TWENTY ONE. Spend some time alone.
You will understand the above word by the end of the following
transcript. Read it aloud for best results. Try it now; say
"Tendjewberrymud" Be warned, you're going to find yourself
talking funny for a while after reading this.
The following is a transcription of a telephone exchange
between a hotel guest and room service at a hotel in Asia. It was
recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review. . .
Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees."
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialled room service."
RS: "Rye. . .Ruin sorbees. . .morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
G: "Uh. . .yes. . .I'd like some bacon and eggs."
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?. . .pry, boy, pooch?"
G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled
please."
RS: "Ow July dee baychem. . .crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS: "Hokay. An San tos?"
G: "What?"
RS: "San tos. July San tos?"
G: "I don't think so."
RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one
toes' means."
RS: "Toes! Toes! Why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish
mopping we bother?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine.
Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bother?"
G: "No, just put the bother on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter. . .just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Sorry?"
RS: "Copy, tea, mill?"
G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
RS: "One minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease
baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy.
. .rye?"
G: "Whatever you say"
RS: "Tendjewberrymud."
G : "You're welcome."
transcript. Read it aloud for best results. Try it now; say
"Tendjewberrymud" Be warned, you're going to find yourself
talking funny for a while after reading this.
The following is a transcription of a telephone exchange
between a hotel guest and room service at a hotel in Asia. It was
recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review. . .
Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees."
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialled room service."
RS: "Rye. . .Ruin sorbees. . .morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
G: "Uh. . .yes. . .I'd like some bacon and eggs."
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?. . .pry, boy, pooch?"
G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled
please."
RS: "Ow July dee baychem. . .crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS: "Hokay. An San tos?"
G: "What?"
RS: "San tos. July San tos?"
G: "I don't think so."
RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one
toes' means."
RS: "Toes! Toes! Why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish
mopping we bother?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine.
Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bother?"
G: "No, just put the bother on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter. . .just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Sorry?"
RS: "Copy, tea, mill?"
G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
RS: "One minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease
baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy.
. .rye?"
G: "Whatever you say"
RS: "Tendjewberrymud."
G : "You're welcome."
Comments
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The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race
realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were
going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and
decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They
would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the
world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to
dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its
arms.
The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler
bitches in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest
Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest
puppy from each litter, removed his siblings which gave him all
the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years
came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen.
Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and
nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up
with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund.
Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there
was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with
the Russian dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund
came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the
Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage
and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close
enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's
mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was
nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in
disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We
had our best people working for five years with the meanest
Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and the biggest
meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic
surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a
Dachshund."
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The Benefits of Sex
Now, this one will frighten you into sending it on - even if you are not
superstitious!
Did you know that you can tell from the skin whether a person is sexually
active or not?
1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when woman make
love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which make hair
shiny and skin smooth.
2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis,
skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and
makes your skin glow.
3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic
dinner.
4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones
up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming
20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!
5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases the chemical
endorphin into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving
you with a feeling of well-being.
6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually
active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones.
These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!
7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE
EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.
8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages
saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that
causes
decay, preventing plaque build-up.
9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release
the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.
10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural
antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.
This message has been sent to you for good luck in sex. The original
is in a room in Malaise. It has been sent around the world nine times.
Now sex has been sent to you. The "Hot Sex Fairy" will visit you within
four days of receiving this message, provided you, in turn, send it on. If
you don't then you will never receive good sex again for the rest of your life.
You will eventually become celibate, and your genitals will rot and fall off.
This is no joke! Send copies to people you think need sex (who doesn't?) Don't
send money, as the fate of your genitals has no price. Do not keep this
message.
This message must leave your e-mail in 96 hours. Please send ten copies and see
what happens in four days.
Since the copy must tour the world, you must send it. This is true, even if
you are not superstitious. GOOD SEX, but please remember: 10 copies of
this message must leave your e-mail in 96 hours or you will not have good
sex again for the rest of your life !!!
Now, this one will frighten you into sending it on - even if you are not
superstitious!
Did you know that you can tell from the skin whether a person is sexually
active or not?
1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when woman make
love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which make hair
shiny and skin smooth.
2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis,
skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and
makes your skin glow.
3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic
dinner.
4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones
up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming
20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!
5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases the chemical
endorphin into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving
you with a feeling of well-being.
6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually
active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones.
These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!
7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE
EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.
8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages
saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that
causes
decay, preventing plaque build-up.
9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release
the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.
10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural
antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.
This message has been sent to you for good luck in sex. The original
is in a room in Malaise. It has been sent around the world nine times.
Now sex has been sent to you. The "Hot Sex Fairy" will visit you within
four days of receiving this message, provided you, in turn, send it on. If
you don't then you will never receive good sex again for the rest of your life.
You will eventually become celibate, and your genitals will rot and fall off.
This is no joke! Send copies to people you think need sex (who doesn't?) Don't
send money, as the fate of your genitals has no price. Do not keep this
message.
This message must leave your e-mail in 96 hours. Please send ten copies and see
what happens in four days.
Since the copy must tour the world, you must send it. This is true, even if
you are not superstitious. GOOD SEX, but please remember: 10 copies of
this message must leave your e-mail in 96 hours or you will not have good
sex again for the rest of your life !!!
> >The Bitter Soldier
> >
> > The soldier serving in eastern Asia was annoyed and upset
> >when his girl
> > sent him a "Dear John" letter, breaking off their engagement
> >and asking
> > for her photograph back.
> > The serviceman went out and collected from his friends all
> >the unwanted
> > photographs of women that he could find. Then he bundled them
> >all together
> > and sent them back to the girl with a note saying: "Regret
> >cannot remember
> > which one is you - please keep your photo and return the
> >others."
> >
> >
> > The soldier serving in eastern Asia was annoyed and upset
> >when his girl
> > sent him a "Dear John" letter, breaking off their engagement
> >and asking
> > for her photograph back.
> > The serviceman went out and collected from his friends all
> >the unwanted
> > photographs of women that he could find. Then he bundled them
> >all together
> > and sent them back to the girl with a note saying: "Regret
> >cannot remember
> > which one is you - please keep your photo and return the
> >others."
> >
A blond woman, a black woman and a hispanic woman
were traveling across country by jet. Half way through
the trip, the pilot comes on the intercom and
announces, "I have some bad news. We are having major
engine trouble and a crash is inevitable, so please
prepare yourself."
The blond immediately opens her purse and frantically
touches up her makeup. The hispanic woman say, "What
are you doing? We're going to crash! We're not going
to a party!"
The blond answers, "I know, but I heard that they
always save the beautiful people first in a crash."
The hispanic woman then goes through her purse and
puts on every bit of jewelry she has and puts on the
beautiful new sweater she was taking to her mother as
a gift.
The black woman see this and asks, "Girl, are you
crazy? What are you doing?"
The hispanic woman says, "I heard, that in a crash,
they always look for the rich people first."
The black woman then jumps up and removes her skirt
and panties. The other two women ask her what she is
doing.
"I don't know where you two get your information, but
when I see a plane crash on the news, the most
important thing is finding the black box!"
A guy leaves his office on the way to the airport.
He's forgotten his watch and needs to know the time.
He spots a rather rumpled looking guy lugging two
heavy suitcases. "Could I trouble you for the time;
I'm due at O'Hare for a 2:30 flight." "It's 11:30," he
answers, putting the heavy suitcases down. "What's
your flight number?" "742." "Let me see," says the
rumpled guy, pushing a few buttons on the wristwatch.
"Flight 742 is running 30 minutes late, you'll have a
little turbulence over Des Moines, but then clear
skies to LA. And by the way, the weather in LA is 75
and sunny, barometric pressure 30.02 an rising.
Fiddling with a few more buttons, he says, "In case
you're interested, the Dow-Jones is up 75 points,
NASDAQ up 20. And if you're a betting man, the line on
the Rams just went to 9 "Wow," says the first guy,
"I've got to have that watch!" How does $5000 sound?"
"It's not for sale yet," he answers. I'm an inventor,
and I still have a few bugs to iron out. By the way,
it also has mini- TV receiver, cell phone, and
internet compatibility." "Amazing, says the first guy,
"Will you take $10,000?" "No," says the inventor "I've
got a few details to work out yet." "$25,000", says
the first guy, "I've got to have that watch!" The
inventor says, "For that price, I can hardly turn it
down. It's yours. I think you'll really enjoy the high
quality AM-FM receiver too." As the first guy strides
off to catch his cab to the airport, the inventor
points to the suitcases and hollers, "Hey, Mister,
Don't you want the batteries?"
He's forgotten his watch and needs to know the time.
He spots a rather rumpled looking guy lugging two
heavy suitcases. "Could I trouble you for the time;
I'm due at O'Hare for a 2:30 flight." "It's 11:30," he
answers, putting the heavy suitcases down. "What's
your flight number?" "742." "Let me see," says the
rumpled guy, pushing a few buttons on the wristwatch.
"Flight 742 is running 30 minutes late, you'll have a
little turbulence over Des Moines, but then clear
skies to LA. And by the way, the weather in LA is 75
and sunny, barometric pressure 30.02 an rising.
Fiddling with a few more buttons, he says, "In case
you're interested, the Dow-Jones is up 75 points,
NASDAQ up 20. And if you're a betting man, the line on
the Rams just went to 9 "Wow," says the first guy,
"I've got to have that watch!" How does $5000 sound?"
"It's not for sale yet," he answers. I'm an inventor,
and I still have a few bugs to iron out. By the way,
it also has mini- TV receiver, cell phone, and
internet compatibility." "Amazing, says the first guy,
"Will you take $10,000?" "No," says the inventor "I've
got a few details to work out yet." "$25,000", says
the first guy, "I've got to have that watch!" The
inventor says, "For that price, I can hardly turn it
down. It's yours. I think you'll really enjoy the high
quality AM-FM receiver too." As the first guy strides
off to catch his cab to the airport, the inventor
points to the suitcases and hollers, "Hey, Mister,
Don't you want the batteries?"
This guy blows a stop sign and a cop sees
it so he pulls him over.
Cop says, "License and registration please."
Guy, "For what?"
Cop, "Well, sir, you didn't stop at the sign."
Guy, "I slowed down and no one was coming."
Cop, "You didn't come to a complete stop, license
and registration, PLEASE!"
Guy, "What's the difference"
Cop, "The difference is I wouldn't have pulled
you over if you'd stopped."
Guy, "I'll give you my license and registration if
you can show me the difference between slowing down
and stopping."
"Okay, I will" the cops says,
"Get out of the car."
At this point the officer takes his billy club
out of the holster and begins to brutally beat
the you-know-what out of the guy. As the man is
screaming and crying, the officer yells loudly,
"NOW SIR, WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO SLOW DOWN OR COME
TO A COMPLETE STOP?!!!"
it so he pulls him over.
Cop says, "License and registration please."
Guy, "For what?"
Cop, "Well, sir, you didn't stop at the sign."
Guy, "I slowed down and no one was coming."
Cop, "You didn't come to a complete stop, license
and registration, PLEASE!"
Guy, "What's the difference"
Cop, "The difference is I wouldn't have pulled
you over if you'd stopped."
Guy, "I'll give you my license and registration if
you can show me the difference between slowing down
and stopping."
"Okay, I will" the cops says,
"Get out of the car."
At this point the officer takes his billy club
out of the holster and begins to brutally beat
the you-know-what out of the guy. As the man is
screaming and crying, the officer yells loudly,
"NOW SIR, WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO SLOW DOWN OR COME
TO A COMPLETE STOP?!!!"
Comments
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Donkey $$$$!
A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey
from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver
the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and
said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."
Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back." The
farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Kenny said, "OK then, at least give me the donkey." The farmer
asked, "What ya gonna do with him?" Kenny, "I'm going to raffle
him off." The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Kenny said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he
is dead."
A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What
happened with that dead donkey?" Kenny replied, "I raffled him
off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars each and made a profit
of $898.00."
Farmer: "Didn't anyone complain?"
Kenny: "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
---
Another Version:
City boy, Andy, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer
for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next
day.
The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some
bad news. The donkey died."
"Well, then, just give me my money back."
"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
"OK, then. Just unload the donkey."
"What ya gonna do with him?"
"I'm going to raffle him off."
"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later the farmer met up with the city boy and asked, "What happened
with that dead donkey?"
"I raffled him off. I sold 500 hundred tickets at two dollars a piece and
made a profit of $898."
"Didn't anyone complain?"
"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back!"
This boy grew up to be a senior executive at Enron.....
A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey
from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver
the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and
said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."
Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back." The
farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Kenny said, "OK then, at least give me the donkey." The farmer
asked, "What ya gonna do with him?" Kenny, "I'm going to raffle
him off." The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Kenny said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he
is dead."
A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What
happened with that dead donkey?" Kenny replied, "I raffled him
off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars each and made a profit
of $898.00."
Farmer: "Didn't anyone complain?"
Kenny: "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
---
Another Version:
City boy, Andy, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer
for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next
day.
The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some
bad news. The donkey died."
"Well, then, just give me my money back."
"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
"OK, then. Just unload the donkey."
"What ya gonna do with him?"
"I'm going to raffle him off."
"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later the farmer met up with the city boy and asked, "What happened
with that dead donkey?"
"I raffled him off. I sold 500 hundred tickets at two dollars a piece and
made a profit of $898."
"Didn't anyone complain?"
"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back!"
This boy grew up to be a senior executive at Enron.....
A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a brand new
Ferrari 550. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs
him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for red light. An old man
on a moped (about 75 years old) pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car
ya' got there, sonny?" The young man replies, "A Ferrari 550. It cost half a
million dollars !" "That's a lot of money, "says the old man. "Why does it
cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the
young dude proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?" "No problem," replies
the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Then sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car,
all right... but I'll
stick with my moped!"
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man just what
his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads
160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be
getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly,
whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!!!! "What on earth
could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself. He
floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead
of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped.
Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari he gives it some more gas and
passes the moped at 275 mph. Whoooooosh! He's feeling pretty good until he
looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again. Astounded by
the speed of this old guy he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all
the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later he sees the moped bearing down
on him again. The Ferrari is flat out and there's nothing he can do.
Suddenly the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear.
The young man jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive !!! He
runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my God! Is there anything I can
do for you?"
The old man whispers with his dying breath, "Unhook my suspenders from your
side-view mirror ...
Ferrari 550. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs
him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for red light. An old man
on a moped (about 75 years old) pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car
ya' got there, sonny?" The young man replies, "A Ferrari 550. It cost half a
million dollars !" "That's a lot of money, "says the old man. "Why does it
cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the
young dude proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?" "No problem," replies
the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Then sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car,
all right... but I'll
stick with my moped!"
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man just what
his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads
160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be
getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly,
whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!!!! "What on earth
could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself. He
floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead
of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped.
Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari he gives it some more gas and
passes the moped at 275 mph. Whoooooosh! He's feeling pretty good until he
looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again. Astounded by
the speed of this old guy he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all
the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later he sees the moped bearing down
on him again. The Ferrari is flat out and there's nothing he can do.
Suddenly the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear.
The young man jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive !!! He
runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my God! Is there anything I can
do for you?"
The old man whispers with his dying breath, "Unhook my suspenders from your
side-view mirror ...
At a doctors surgery one morning a patient arrives complaining of serious
backache.
The doctor examines him and asks him "What the hell did you do to your
back?"
The patient replies "You know that I work for a local night club? Today
morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise On entering I
knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed
out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the
balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. I grabbed the
fridge and threw it at him, Thats how I strained my back"
The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck.
The doctor says "My previous looked bad, but you look terrible.What the
hell happened to you?"
He replies, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now ..Today was
the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late.
I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and
you wont believe it but I was hit by a fridge."
The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two patients
do.
The doctor is shocked. Again asks, "What the hell happened to you?"
Well I was sitting in a fridge & someone threw it from the 3rd floor.
backache.
The doctor examines him and asks him "What the hell did you do to your
back?"
The patient replies "You know that I work for a local night club? Today
morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise On entering I
knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed
out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the
balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. I grabbed the
fridge and threw it at him, Thats how I strained my back"
The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck.
The doctor says "My previous looked bad, but you look terrible.What the
hell happened to you?"
He replies, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now ..Today was
the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late.
I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and
you wont believe it but I was hit by a fridge."
The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two patients
do.
The doctor is shocked. Again asks, "What the hell happened to you?"
Well I was sitting in a fridge & someone threw it from the 3rd floor.
A guy goes to see the doctor, because he's been a little too well
endowed, shall we say. In fact, it's 25 inches long. Can't get
any women to have sex with him. No men either, one would think.
Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but
sends him to see a witch that he thinks might be able to help.
Witch takes a look at the problem (yikes!) and tells him to go to
a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that
lives there. "Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog
says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter."
Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest, as
anyone in this sort of joke would. Finds the pond and sees the
frog on the other side, sitting on a log. "Will you marry me?"
he calls to the frog.
Frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No."
Guy looks down, sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is
great, he thinks -- let's try that again. "Will you marry me?"
he asks the frog.
Frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!"
Twitch -- the guy's down to 15 inches. Well that's still a bit
excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he
calls across again, "Will you marry me?"
Frog yells back, "Look - how many times do I have to tell you?
No. No. NO!"
endowed, shall we say. In fact, it's 25 inches long. Can't get
any women to have sex with him. No men either, one would think.
Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but
sends him to see a witch that he thinks might be able to help.
Witch takes a look at the problem (yikes!) and tells him to go to
a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that
lives there. "Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog
says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter."
Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest, as
anyone in this sort of joke would. Finds the pond and sees the
frog on the other side, sitting on a log. "Will you marry me?"
he calls to the frog.
Frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No."
Guy looks down, sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is
great, he thinks -- let's try that again. "Will you marry me?"
he asks the frog.
Frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!"
Twitch -- the guy's down to 15 inches. Well that's still a bit
excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he
calls across again, "Will you marry me?"
Frog yells back, "Look - how many times do I have to tell you?
No. No. NO!"
Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad
and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.
The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: "What would
you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each
other on the same track?"
Tom says: "I would switch one train to another track."
"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector.
"Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down
there", answers Tom.
"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the
inspector.
"Then," Tom continued, "I'd run back up here and use the phone
to call the next signal box."
"What if the phone was busy?"
"In that case," Tom argued, "I'd run to the street level and use
the public phone near the station".
"What if that had been vandalized?"
"Oh well," said Tom, "in that case I would run into town and get
my Uncle Leo".
This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?"
"Because he's never seen a train crash."
and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.
The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: "What would
you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each
other on the same track?"
Tom says: "I would switch one train to another track."
"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector.
"Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down
there", answers Tom.
"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the
inspector.
"Then," Tom continued, "I'd run back up here and use the phone
to call the next signal box."
"What if the phone was busy?"
"In that case," Tom argued, "I'd run to the street level and use
the public phone near the station".
"What if that had been vandalized?"
"Oh well," said Tom, "in that case I would run into town and get
my Uncle Leo".
This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?"
"Because he's never seen a train crash."
Once a year we celebrate
With stupid hats and plastic plates
The fact that you were able to make
Another trip around the sun
And the whole clan gathers round
And gifts and laughter do abound
And we let out a joyful sound
And sing that stupid song
Happy birthday!
Now you're one year older!
Happy birthday!
Your life still isn't over!
Happy birthday!
You did not accomplish much
But you didn't die this year
I guess that's good enough
So let's drink to your fading health
And hope you don't remind yourself
The chance of finding fame and wealth
Decrease with every year
Does it feel like you're doing laps
And eating food and taking naps
And hoping that someday perhaps
Your life will hold some cheer
Happy birthday!
What have you done that matters?
Happy birthday!
You're starting to get fatter
Happy birthday!
It's downhill from now on
Try not to remind yourself
Your best years are all gone
If cryogenics were all free
Then you could live like Walt Disney
And live for all eternity
Inside a block of ice
But instead your time is set
This is the only life you get
And though it hasn't ended yet
Sometimes you wish it might
Happy birthday!
You wish you had more money
Happy birthday!
Your life's so sad it's funny
Happy birthday!
How much more can you take?
But your friends are hungry
So just cut the stupid cake
Happy birthday!
Happy birthday!
Happy birthday, dear...
(random calling out of names, including Ralph, Bill, Ralph Kramden,
Skippy, the bush kangaroo, and the b-b-b-b-b-bu-bu-bu- that leads into
"Dangerous")
-------------------
Note from Shearon:
> I like the words to your birthday song. Do you have the name of a tune that it can be sung to?
Most of the stanzas seem to fit to the tune of "Here We Go Round the Mulberry Bush," but
the ones that start with "Happy Birthday" don't work as well with that particular tune.
-------------------
With stupid hats and plastic plates
The fact that you were able to make
Another trip around the sun
And the whole clan gathers round
And gifts and laughter do abound
And we let out a joyful sound
And sing that stupid song
Happy birthday!
Now you're one year older!
Happy birthday!
Your life still isn't over!
Happy birthday!
You did not accomplish much
But you didn't die this year
I guess that's good enough
So let's drink to your fading health
And hope you don't remind yourself
The chance of finding fame and wealth
Decrease with every year
Does it feel like you're doing laps
And eating food and taking naps
And hoping that someday perhaps
Your life will hold some cheer
Happy birthday!
What have you done that matters?
Happy birthday!
You're starting to get fatter
Happy birthday!
It's downhill from now on
Try not to remind yourself
Your best years are all gone
If cryogenics were all free
Then you could live like Walt Disney
And live for all eternity
Inside a block of ice
But instead your time is set
This is the only life you get
And though it hasn't ended yet
Sometimes you wish it might
Happy birthday!
You wish you had more money
Happy birthday!
Your life's so sad it's funny
Happy birthday!
How much more can you take?
But your friends are hungry
So just cut the stupid cake
Happy birthday!
Happy birthday!
Happy birthday, dear...
(random calling out of names, including Ralph, Bill, Ralph Kramden,
Skippy, the bush kangaroo, and the b-b-b-b-b-bu-bu-bu- that leads into
"Dangerous")
-------------------
Note from Shearon:
> I like the words to your birthday song. Do you have the name of a tune that it can be sung to?
Most of the stanzas seem to fit to the tune of "Here We Go Round the Mulberry Bush," but
the ones that start with "Happy Birthday" don't work as well with that particular tune.
-------------------
A man had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender
finally said that the bar was closing. So the man stood up to
leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more
time; same result. He figured he'd crawl outside and get
some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he
decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at
the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He
crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he
reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time
he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right
into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the
pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over
him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent
look.
"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."
finally said that the bar was closing. So the man stood up to
leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more
time; same result. He figured he'd crawl outside and get
some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he
decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at
the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He
crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he
reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time
he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right
into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the
pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over
him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent
look.
"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."
A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard. .Are you the manager?. she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. .Actually, no,. the man replied. .Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him. she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. .I'm afraid I can't,. breathes the bartender. .Is there anything I can do?. .Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message,. she continues, running her fore finger across the bartender.s lips and slowly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. .What should I tell him?. the bartender manages to say. .Tell him,. she whispers, .there is no fucking toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the Ladies Room..
Comments
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A prisoner escapes from his prison where he had been kept for 15
years.
As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it looking for
money and guns but he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy
out of bed, ties him up on a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed
he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to
the bathroom.
While he is in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this
guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots
of time in prison, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he
kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do
what he
tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets
angry, he will kill us. "Be strong, honey. I love you".
To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering
in my ear. He told me he was gay and found you very sexy,and asked if we
kept any Vaseline in the bathroom.
"Be strong,honey. I love you too..."
years.
As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it looking for
money and guns but he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy
out of bed, ties him up on a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed
he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to
the bathroom.
While he is in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this
guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots
of time in prison, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he
kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do
what he
tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets
angry, he will kill us. "Be strong, honey. I love you".
To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering
in my ear. He told me he was gay and found you very sexy,and asked if we
kept any Vaseline in the bathroom.
"Be strong,honey. I love you too..."
Because :
No Study = Fail ....................... ( I )
Study = No Fail ............................ ( II )
By Combining ( I ) & ( II ) :
=====> ( No Study + Study ) = ( No Fail + Fail )
By Taking ( Study ) as a common factor in the left hand side
And Taking ( Fail ) as a common factor in the right hand side
=====> Study ( No + 1) = Fail (No + 1 )
By Dividing both sides by ( No + 1)
=====> Study = Fail
SO I ADVISE YOU TO STOP STUDYING
Dear Billy joe Bob,
I'm writting this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your Pa read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 minutes of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. I even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well, though, Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain, we haven't seen it since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for fourdays.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Bubba said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning,but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated; he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back, they drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
Your Favorite Aunt
PS I included a Picture of our new swimming pool with Uncle Bubba in it! I hope you like it.
I'm writting this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your Pa read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 minutes of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. I even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well, though, Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain, we haven't seen it since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for fourdays.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Bubba said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning,but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated; he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back, they drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
Your Favorite Aunt
PS I included a Picture of our new swimming pool with Uncle Bubba in it! I hope you like it.
A fellow walked into his doctor's office, complaining that
he thinks he might have a tapeworm. The doctor made a physical
examination and listened to the symptoms, and concurred with
the self-diagnosis.
"I want you to come back tomorrow to start treatment. And
bring a banana and a cookie with you." said the doctor.
Despite the seemingly odd request, our hero complied and
returned the next day with a banana and a cookie.
The doctor then said, "Okay, now drop your pants and bend over.
This is going to hurt a bit."
Although stunned by the turn of events, the patient dropped
his pants and bent over. The doctor peeled the banana and
with one deft motion rammed it up the guy's ass. While the
doctor consulted his watch, our hero danced around the room
shouting at the doctor.
"Okay, one minute is up and we have to complete the second
part of the treatment if you truly want to get rid of this
tapeworm." advised the doctor.
Despite the pain, the patient did want to be cured and so
complied with the order to bend over again. Again, the doctor
took the cookie and rammed IT up the patient's ass.
"Okay, tomorrow I want to see you here at the same time, and
bring another banana and a cookie." said the doctor. The now
humbled patient, with tears of pain in his eyes, nodded his
head.
The next day, the same routine ensued. First the doctor rammed
up a banana, waited exactly one minute, then rammed up the
cookie. And the next day, and the next day and the next...!!
Every day UP went a banana, waited one minute, then UP went
the cookie.
After one full week of treatment, the doctor finally said,
"Well, tomorrow is the LAST day of treatment. I want you to
bring in a banana and a hammer."
"Not a cookie?" asked the very frightened patient, trying to
imagine what a hammer was going to feel like.
"Nope, a hammer." confirmed the doctor.
On the last day, the doctor said, "Okay, you know the routine".
So the man dropped his pants and bent over. UP went the banana,
and the doctor looked at his watch and picked up the hammer.
One minute passed. Then two minutes. Three. Four minutes passed.
Finally, a little head poked out of the patient's ass.
"WHERE'S MY COOKIE???"
**WHAM**
he thinks he might have a tapeworm. The doctor made a physical
examination and listened to the symptoms, and concurred with
the self-diagnosis.
"I want you to come back tomorrow to start treatment. And
bring a banana and a cookie with you." said the doctor.
Despite the seemingly odd request, our hero complied and
returned the next day with a banana and a cookie.
The doctor then said, "Okay, now drop your pants and bend over.
This is going to hurt a bit."
Although stunned by the turn of events, the patient dropped
his pants and bent over. The doctor peeled the banana and
with one deft motion rammed it up the guy's ass. While the
doctor consulted his watch, our hero danced around the room
shouting at the doctor.
"Okay, one minute is up and we have to complete the second
part of the treatment if you truly want to get rid of this
tapeworm." advised the doctor.
Despite the pain, the patient did want to be cured and so
complied with the order to bend over again. Again, the doctor
took the cookie and rammed IT up the patient's ass.
"Okay, tomorrow I want to see you here at the same time, and
bring another banana and a cookie." said the doctor. The now
humbled patient, with tears of pain in his eyes, nodded his
head.
The next day, the same routine ensued. First the doctor rammed
up a banana, waited exactly one minute, then rammed up the
cookie. And the next day, and the next day and the next...!!
Every day UP went a banana, waited one minute, then UP went
the cookie.
After one full week of treatment, the doctor finally said,
"Well, tomorrow is the LAST day of treatment. I want you to
bring in a banana and a hammer."
"Not a cookie?" asked the very frightened patient, trying to
imagine what a hammer was going to feel like.
"Nope, a hammer." confirmed the doctor.
On the last day, the doctor said, "Okay, you know the routine".
So the man dropped his pants and bent over. UP went the banana,
and the doctor looked at his watch and picked up the hammer.
One minute passed. Then two minutes. Three. Four minutes passed.
Finally, a little head poked out of the patient's ass.
"WHERE'S MY COOKIE???"
**WHAM**
The World's Shortest Books
Rated PG
20. BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno
19. HOME BUILT AIRPLANES by John Denver
18. HOW TO GET TO THE SUPER BOWL by Dan Marino
17. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton
16. MY LIFE'S MEMORIES by Ronald Reagan
15. THINGS I CAN'T AFFORD by Bill Gates
14. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman
13. THE WILD YEARS - by Al Gore
12. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
11. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
10. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE
9. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
8. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
7. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
6. ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres
5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the Sierra Club
3. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
2. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson
And the World's Number One Shortest book...
1. MY BOOK OF MORALS - by Bill Clinton & Jesse Jackson
Rated PG
20. BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno
19. HOME BUILT AIRPLANES by John Denver
18. HOW TO GET TO THE SUPER BOWL by Dan Marino
17. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton
16. MY LIFE'S MEMORIES by Ronald Reagan
15. THINGS I CAN'T AFFORD by Bill Gates
14. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman
13. THE WILD YEARS - by Al Gore
12. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
11. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
10. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE
9. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
8. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
7. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
6. ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres
5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the Sierra Club
3. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
2. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson
And the World's Number One Shortest book...
1. MY BOOK OF MORALS - by Bill Clinton & Jesse Jackson
Dilbert's Theorem on Salary states that Engineers, Teachers,
Programmers and Scientists can never earn as much salary as business
executives and sales people. This theorem can now be supported by a
mathematical equation based on the following three postulates:
Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power (Knowledge = Power)
Postulate 2: Time is Money (Time = Money)
Postulate 3: (as every Physics student knows): Power = Work / Time
It therefore follows:
Knowledge = Work / Time
and since Time = Money,
we have: Knowledge = Work / Money
Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity,
regardless of the amount of Work done.
Comments
![[email]](/mailer.php?attach=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.anvari.org%2Fdb%2Ffun%2FMisc%2FThird_World_Shampoo.jpg&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.anvari.org%2Ffun%2FMisc%2FThird_World_Shampoo.html&subject=Third World Shampoo)
1. The early bird still has to eat worms.
2. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting
clothing--if I HAD any
loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first
place!!!
3. The worse thing about accidents in the kitchen is having to eat
them.
4. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell
the difference.
5. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could
simply press "Ctrl Alt
Delete" and start all over?
6. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you
haven't fallen asleep yet.
7. My husband says I never listen to him....at least, I THINK that's
what he said.
8. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they
can in prison?
9. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have
started with something
called labor!
10. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
2. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting
clothing--if I HAD any
loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first
place!!!
3. The worse thing about accidents in the kitchen is having to eat
them.
4. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell
the difference.
5. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could
simply press "Ctrl Alt
Delete" and start all over?
6. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you
haven't fallen asleep yet.
7. My husband says I never listen to him....at least, I THINK that's
what he said.
8. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they
can in prison?
9. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have
started with something
called labor!
10. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Q: What did the fish say when he hit the wall?
A: Dam!
Q: What do you call a fish without an eye?
A: Fsh.
Q: What is Black and white and read (red) all over?
A: A Newspaper
Q: What do you call a fish that only cares about himself?
A: Selfish.
Q: What is the differnce between the capital of Russia and a calf's mother?
A: One is Moscow, the other is a cow's Ma.
Q: What's got a head and a tail but no body.
A: A coin.
Q: Why is number six afraid ?
A: Because seven eight nine (seven ate nine)
Q: Which is faster, heat or cold?
A: Heat, because you can catch a cold.
Q: What did the old telephone say to the new telephone?
A: You are too young to get engaged.
A: Dam!
Q: What do you call a fish without an eye?
A: Fsh.
Q: What is Black and white and read (red) all over?
A: A Newspaper
Q: What do you call a fish that only cares about himself?
A: Selfish.
Q: What is the differnce between the capital of Russia and a calf's mother?
A: One is Moscow, the other is a cow's Ma.
Q: What's got a head and a tail but no body.
A: A coin.
Q: Why is number six afraid ?
A: Because seven eight nine (seven ate nine)
Q: Which is faster, heat or cold?
A: Heat, because you can catch a cold.
Q: What did the old telephone say to the new telephone?
A: You are too young to get engaged.
>Man : How old is your father ?
> >Boy : As old as me
> >Man : How can that be ?
> >Boy : He became a father only when I was born
>
> >--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >Waiter : I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and
> >frog's leg.
> >Customer : Don't tell me your problems. Give the
> >menu card.
>
> >--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >Teacher: Kumar, your composition on "My Dog" is
> >exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his?
> >Desmond: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
>
> >--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to
>teach you
> >anything!
> >Son : That's why I say she's no good!
>
> >--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >Manager : Sorry,but I can't give u a job. I don't
> >need much help.
> >Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact I'm just
> >the right person in this
> >case. You see, I won't be of much help anyway!!
>
> >--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >Dad : "Son, how can you call your aunt stupid? Go
> >and say sorry to her."
> >Son : (goes over to the aunt) "Aunt, I am sorry
> >you are stupid.
>
> >--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >Teacher: "Spell 'WATER',"
> >Girl : "HIJKLMNO."
> >Teacher: "That doesn't spell 'WATER',"
> >Girl : "Yes, it does it's all the letters from 'H
> >to O'."
>
> >--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >Teacher: "How do u think Shakespeare wrote such
> >master pieces?"
> >College student: "With a pencil, maam, either a 2B
> >or not 2B."
>
> >--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >"Mum, teacher was asking me today if I have any
> >brothers or sisters who will be coming to school."
> >"That's nice of her to take such an interest. What
> >did she say when u told her u are the only child?"
> >"She just said, 'Thank goodness!'"
>
> >--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >Teacher: "Where were u born?"
> >Student: "Singapore, Sir."
> >Teacher: "Which part?"
> >Student: "All of me, Sir."
>
> >--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >Teacher: "Chong, u missed school last Friday."
> >Chong : "You're wrong, Sir."
> >Teacher: "Wrong, how is that?"
> >Chong : "I was absent, yes but I certainly didn't
> >miss it!"
>
> >--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >Good news and bad news
> >Patient : I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?
> >Doctor : You've had an accident involving a train.
> >Patient : What happened?
> >Doctor : Well, I've got some good news and some
> >bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
> >Patient : Well... The bad news first ...
> >Doctor : Your legs were injured so badly that we
> >had to amputate both of them.
> >Patient : That's terrible! What's the good news?
> >Doctor : There's a guy in the next ward who made a
> >very good offer on your slippers.
>
> >--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >Patient : How much to have this tooth pulled?
> >Dentist : 90.00.
> >Patient : 90.00 for just a few minutes work???
> >Dentist : I can extract it very slowly if you like.
>
> >--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >Teacher : "How come you do not comb your hair?"
> >Student : "No comb, Sir."
> >Teacher : "Use your dad's then."
> >Student : "No hair, Sir."
>
> >--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >A boy come home from school with his exam results.
> >"What did u get?" asked his father.
> >"My marks are under water," said the boy. "What do
> >u mean 'under water'?"
> >"They are all below 'C'(sea) level"
>
> >--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >Girl : Do you love me ?
> >Boy : Yes Dear
> >Girl : Would you die for me ?
> >Boy : No, mine is undying love
>
> >--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >Customer : Waiter, do you serve crabs?
> > Waiter : Sit down, sir,we serve anyone.
>
> >--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >Customer : Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?
>
> > Waiter : Can't you tell the difference by taste?
> > Customer : No, I can't.
> >Waiter : Then does it really matter?
>
> >--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >Customer : Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
>
> > Waiter : Yes Sir,they are not very good swimmers.
>
> >--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >Customer : Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
> >Waiter : That's all right,Sir, he won't drink much.
>
> >--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >Customer : Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my
>soup.
> > Waiter : So what do you expect me to do, call a
> >lifeguard?
>
> >--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >Customer : Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in
>
> >my tea cup?
> >Waiter : I wouldn't know, Sir, I'm a waiter, not a
> >fortune teller.
>
> >--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >Customer : Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
> >Waiter : Funny? But why aren't you laughing?
>
> >--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >Son : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
> >Father : No. Why do you ask that?
> >Son : Well, where did you get mummy then?
>
> >--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >Lady : Is this my train?
> >Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway
> >Company.
> >Lady : Don't
> >try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this
> >train to Kuala Lumpur.
> >Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too
>heavy.
>
> >--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >Peter : What a pair of strange socks you are
>wearing,
> > one is green and one is blue with red spots!
> >Kirk : Yes it's really strange. I' ve got another
> >pair of the same at home.
>
> >--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >Teacher : Peter, why are you late for school again?
> >Peter : Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing
> >football and the game went into extra time.
>
> >--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >Wife : Do you want dinner?
> >Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
> >Wife : Yes and no.
>
> >--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >First Guy (proudly) : "My wife's an angel!"
> >Second Guy : "You're fortunate, mine's still alive.
>
> >--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >" The girl asked her lover, "Darling, if we get
> > engaged will you give me a ring?" "Sure," replied
>her
> >lover "What's your phone number?"
>
> >--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the
> > trial there was a commotion in the gallery.
> >The judge pounded the
> >gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order." The
>
> >drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you,
> >your honour, I'll have a scotch and soda."
>
> >--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist. 'My
>
> >trouble is,' he said, 'that I keep forgetting
>things.'
> >'How long has this been going on?' asked
> >the psychiatrist. 'How long has what been going on?'
>
> > said the man.
>
> >--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out
>
> >of the window!
> >2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
> >1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for
>superstitions.
>
> >--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is
>
> > grazing in the field"
> >Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field
> >Teacher : How?
> >Student : Ladies first.
>
> >--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >Little Susie came running into the house after
>school
> >one day, shouting, "Daddy! Daddy! I got a 100 in
> >school today!" "That's
> > great, Sweetheart," said her daddy. "Come in to the
>
> >living room and
> > tell me about it." "Well," began the confession, "I
>
> >got 50 in spelling,
> >30 in Maths and 20 in Science."
> >
>
>
> >Boy : As old as me
> >Man : How can that be ?
> >Boy : He became a father only when I was born
>
> >--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >Waiter : I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and
> >frog's leg.
> >Customer : Don't tell me your problems. Give the
> >menu card.
>
> >--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >Teacher: Kumar, your composition on "My Dog" is
> >exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his?
> >Desmond: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
>
> >--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to
>teach you
> >anything!
> >Son : That's why I say she's no good!
>
> >--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >Manager : Sorry,but I can't give u a job. I don't
> >need much help.
> >Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact I'm just
> >the right person in this
> >case. You see, I won't be of much help anyway!!
>
> >--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >Dad : "Son, how can you call your aunt stupid? Go
> >and say sorry to her."
> >Son : (goes over to the aunt) "Aunt, I am sorry
> >you are stupid.
>
> >--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >Teacher: "Spell 'WATER',"
> >Girl : "HIJKLMNO."
> >Teacher: "That doesn't spell 'WATER',"
> >Girl : "Yes, it does it's all the letters from 'H
> >to O'."
>
> >--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >Teacher: "How do u think Shakespeare wrote such
> >master pieces?"
> >College student: "With a pencil, maam, either a 2B
> >or not 2B."
>
> >--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >"Mum, teacher was asking me today if I have any
> >brothers or sisters who will be coming to school."
> >"That's nice of her to take such an interest. What
> >did she say when u told her u are the only child?"
> >"She just said, 'Thank goodness!'"
>
> >--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >Teacher: "Where were u born?"
> >Student: "Singapore, Sir."
> >Teacher: "Which part?"
> >Student: "All of me, Sir."
>
> >--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >Teacher: "Chong, u missed school last Friday."
> >Chong : "You're wrong, Sir."
> >Teacher: "Wrong, how is that?"
> >Chong : "I was absent, yes but I certainly didn't
> >miss it!"
>
> >--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >Good news and bad news
> >Patient : I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?
> >Doctor : You've had an accident involving a train.
> >Patient : What happened?
> >Doctor : Well, I've got some good news and some
> >bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
> >Patient : Well... The bad news first ...
> >Doctor : Your legs were injured so badly that we
> >had to amputate both of them.
> >Patient : That's terrible! What's the good news?
> >Doctor : There's a guy in the next ward who made a
> >very good offer on your slippers.
>
> >--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >Patient : How much to have this tooth pulled?
> >Dentist : 90.00.
> >Patient : 90.00 for just a few minutes work???
> >Dentist : I can extract it very slowly if you like.
>
> >--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >Teacher : "How come you do not comb your hair?"
> >Student : "No comb, Sir."
> >Teacher : "Use your dad's then."
> >Student : "No hair, Sir."
>
> >--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >A boy come home from school with his exam results.
> >"What did u get?" asked his father.
> >"My marks are under water," said the boy. "What do
> >u mean 'under water'?"
> >"They are all below 'C'(sea) level"
>
> >--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >Girl : Do you love me ?
> >Boy : Yes Dear
> >Girl : Would you die for me ?
> >Boy : No, mine is undying love
>
> >--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >Customer : Waiter, do you serve crabs?
> > Waiter : Sit down, sir,we serve anyone.
>
> >--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >Customer : Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?
>
> > Waiter : Can't you tell the difference by taste?
> > Customer : No, I can't.
> >Waiter : Then does it really matter?
>
> >--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >Customer : Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
>
> > Waiter : Yes Sir,they are not very good swimmers.
>
> >--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >Customer : Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
> >Waiter : That's all right,Sir, he won't drink much.
>
> >--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >Customer : Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my
>soup.
> > Waiter : So what do you expect me to do, call a
> >lifeguard?
>
> >--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >Customer : Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in
>
> >my tea cup?
> >Waiter : I wouldn't know, Sir, I'm a waiter, not a
> >fortune teller.
>
> >--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >Customer : Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
> >Waiter : Funny? But why aren't you laughing?
>
> >--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >Son : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
> >Father : No. Why do you ask that?
> >Son : Well, where did you get mummy then?
>
> >--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >Lady : Is this my train?
> >Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway
> >Company.
> >Lady : Don't
> >try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this
> >train to Kuala Lumpur.
> >Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too
>heavy.
>
> >--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >Peter : What a pair of strange socks you are
>wearing,
> > one is green and one is blue with red spots!
> >Kirk : Yes it's really strange. I' ve got another
> >pair of the same at home.
>
> >--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >Teacher : Peter, why are you late for school again?
> >Peter : Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing
> >football and the game went into extra time.
>
> >--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >Wife : Do you want dinner?
> >Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
> >Wife : Yes and no.
>
> >--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >First Guy (proudly) : "My wife's an angel!"
> >Second Guy : "You're fortunate, mine's still alive.
>
> >--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >" The girl asked her lover, "Darling, if we get
> > engaged will you give me a ring?" "Sure," replied
>her
> >lover "What's your phone number?"
>
> >--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the
> > trial there was a commotion in the gallery.
> >The judge pounded the
> >gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order." The
>
> >drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you,
> >your honour, I'll have a scotch and soda."
>
> >--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist. 'My
>
> >trouble is,' he said, 'that I keep forgetting
>things.'
> >'How long has this been going on?' asked
> >the psychiatrist. 'How long has what been going on?'
>
> > said the man.
>
> >--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out
>
> >of the window!
> >2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
> >1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for
>superstitions.
>
> >--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is
>
> > grazing in the field"
> >Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field
> >Teacher : How?
> >Student : Ladies first.
>
> >--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >Little Susie came running into the house after
>school
> >one day, shouting, "Daddy! Daddy! I got a 100 in
> >school today!" "That's
> > great, Sweetheart," said her daddy. "Come in to the
>
> >living room and
> > tell me about it." "Well," began the confession, "I
>
> >got 50 in spelling,
> >30 in Maths and 20 in Science."
> >
>
>
Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert, set up their tent and are asleep. Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend."Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" ask The Lone Ranger. Tonto ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Kemo Sabi?" The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Tonto, you Dumb Ass, someone has stolen our tent."
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN :
1. You can have a woman president without electing her.
2. You can spell color wrong and get away with it.
3. You can call Budweiser beer.
4. You can be a crook and still be president.
5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything.
6. If you can breathe you can get a gun.
7. You get to be really obese.
8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.
9. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy".
10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth.
1. You can have a woman president without electing her.
2. You can spell color wrong and get away with it.
3. You can call Budweiser beer.
4. You can be a crook and still be president.
5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything.
6. If you can breathe you can get a gun.
7. You get to be really obese.
8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.
9. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy".
10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING DUTCH
1 You can get arrested for growing plants, but not for smoking them.
2 You can make jokes about the Belgians and still drink their beer.
3 a. You can legally kill yourself
b. You can legally be killed
4 You're exactly like the Germans, except that nobody hates you.
5 You think you are a world power, but everyone else thinks
Copenhagen is your capital.....
6 You get to insult people and defend yourself by saying it's a
national tradition.
7 You can put your finger in a dyke and it will save your country
8 You live in the most densely populated country in Europe, and
still you've never seen your neighbors
9 If the economy is bad, blame the Germans. If a war is started,
blame the Germans. If you lose your keys, blame the Germans.
10 Bikes are public property. Locks are a challenge.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING BELGIAN
1 You get to speak three languages, but none of them intelligibly.
2 If other countries want to fight a war, they will do it in your
country.
3 You can brew drinks out of fruit, and still call it beer.
4 You are either
a. like the Dutch, just less efficient
b. like the French, just less romantic
c. like the Germans
5 Decent fries . Real mayonnaise. Great chocolate. The best beer.
6 No one knows anything about you, except for the Dutch and French
and they make fun of you.
7 More scandals in a week than any other country in a decade.
8 You can drive like a maniac on the road and nobody cares
9 All your famous countrymen are either imaginary, or sex-offenders
10 Face it. It's not really a country, is it?
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH:
1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay.
2. Experience the joy of winning the World Cup for the first time
3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs.
4. If there's a war you can surrender really early.
5. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on
the 'alternative' films channel.
6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries.
7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star.
8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street
humiliating your sense of national pride.
9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just shit in the street.
10. People think you're a great lover even when you're not.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN :
1. You can have a woman president without electing her.
2. You can spell color wrong and get away with it.
3. You can call Budweiser beer.
4. You can be a crook and still be president.
5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything.
6. If you can breathe you can get a gun.
7. You get to be really obese.
8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and
nobody seems to care.
9. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy".
10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING NORWEGIAN:
1. You get to pay the highest taxes in the world.
2. You can kill baby seals and eat Rudolf the Reindeer.
3. You live in total freezing darkness half the year and get 24 hour
ozone-hole radiation the other half.
4. You can get capital punishment for smoking dope.
5. You can go skiing in your knickers.
6. You get to hate the Swedes and beat the Brazilians in football.
7. You have to be a woman to get anywhere.
8. You don't need to worry about land prices rocketing - its fairly
spacious.
9. When abroad you can impress people you meet with stories about
killing polar bears and shagging penguins - and they believe you.
10. You can actually get bored with blondes.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH :
1. Two World Wars and One World Cup.
2. Warm Ale.
3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket.
4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events.
5. Union Jack/George's Cross underpants.
6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer.
7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.
8. Bathing once a week - whether you need to or not.
9. Ditto changing underwear.
10. Beats being Welsh.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SCOTTISH :
1. Yoo arnae Sassenach (English) !
2. Yoo arnae English!
3. Yoo arnae English!
4. Yoo arnae English!
5. Yoo arnae English!
6. Yoo arnae English!
7. Yoo arnae English!
8. Yoo arnae English!
9. Yoo arnae English!
10. Yoo arnae English!
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN :
1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes.
2. Unembarrassed to wear fur.
3. No need to worry about tax returns.
4. Glorious military history prior to 400BC.
5. Can wear sunglasses inside and at night.
6. Political stability.
7. Flexible working hours.
8. Live near the Pope.
9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair.
10. Country run by Sicilian murderers.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH :
1. Glorious history of killing South American tribes.
2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees.
3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits, etc.
4. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans.
5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the real thing.
6. Honesty.
7. Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid, tight
clothes and risk your life in front of bulls.
8. You get to eat bull's testicles.
9. Gibraltar.
10. Supported Argentina in Falklands War.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN :
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
OK, let's give them a second chance
1. Oktoberfest.
2. Okotberfest-beer.
3. BMW.
4. VW.
5. Audi.
7. On a motorway you can travel at a speed that would bring you to
jail in any other country of the world.
8. You do not have to learn German as a foreign language.
9. You think Sauerkraut is delicious.
10.Contrary to common belief laughing is not forbidden by law (yet).
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING INDIAN :
1. Chicken Madras.
2. Lamb Passanda.
3. Onion Bhaji.
4. Bombay Potato.
5. Chicken Tikka Masala.
6. Rogan Josh.
7. Popadoms.
8. Chicken Dopiaza.
9. Kingfisher lager. ????
10. Aggravate everyone else by shaking your head when talking.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING WELSH:
1. You've got to be having a laugh, haven't you?
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH :
1. Guinness.
2. 18 children because you can't use contraceptives.
3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road.
4. Pubs never close.
5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in second Vatican
Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can't have sex
with a condom on.
6. No one can ever remember the night before.
7. Kill people you don't agree with.
8. Stew.
9. You can emigrate just so you can tell everyone abroad how good
Ireland is.
10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the
morning after a bout of sectarian violence.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN :
1. It beats being an American.
2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to
the
ground.
3. You can play ice hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital
to the ground.
5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her
popularity ratings will rise.
7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital
to the ground.
8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge shotguns and cover your house in their
skins.
9. Own-an-Eskimo scheme.
10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital
to the ground.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AUSTRALIAN:
1. Know your great-grand-dad was a murdering bar steward that no
civilised nation on earth wanted.
2. Fosters Lager.
3. Dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000
years because you think it belongs to you.
4. Cricket captain not afraid to cry live on TV.
5. Tact and sensitivity.
6. Bondi Beach.
7. Other beaches.
8. Liberated attitude to homosexuals.
9. Drinking cold lager on the beach.
10. Having a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager on the beach.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GREEK
1. You get to shout about your culture although the only real
culture most Greeks have is what is growing between their toes.
2. The police are even more corrupt than the criminals they are
supposed to be chasing.
3. You can blow your nose in the street by pinching it between the
thumb and forefinger and trumpeting forth without everyone around
wretching their stomach contents up at the sight.
4. Old women can sport moustaches.
5. Young women can sport moustaches.
6. Men can be hairier than the average grizzly bear and not get put in
a
zoo.
7. You get to call the bouzouki a musical instrument when the rest
of the world sees it as an instrument of torture.
8. You are the only nation to have lost its marbles and still wants
to let everyone else around the world know about it.
9. Ridiculous bureaucracy.
10. Nana Mouskouri and Demis Roussos.
1 You can get arrested for growing plants, but not for smoking them.
2 You can make jokes about the Belgians and still drink their beer.
3 a. You can legally kill yourself
b. You can legally be killed
4 You're exactly like the Germans, except that nobody hates you.
5 You think you are a world power, but everyone else thinks
Copenhagen is your capital.....
6 You get to insult people and defend yourself by saying it's a
national tradition.
7 You can put your finger in a dyke and it will save your country
8 You live in the most densely populated country in Europe, and
still you've never seen your neighbors
9 If the economy is bad, blame the Germans. If a war is started,
blame the Germans. If you lose your keys, blame the Germans.
10 Bikes are public property. Locks are a challenge.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING BELGIAN
1 You get to speak three languages, but none of them intelligibly.
2 If other countries want to fight a war, they will do it in your
country.
3 You can brew drinks out of fruit, and still call it beer.
4 You are either
a. like the Dutch, just less efficient
b. like the French, just less romantic
c. like the Germans
5 Decent fries . Real mayonnaise. Great chocolate. The best beer.
6 No one knows anything about you, except for the Dutch and French
and they make fun of you.
7 More scandals in a week than any other country in a decade.
8 You can drive like a maniac on the road and nobody cares
9 All your famous countrymen are either imaginary, or sex-offenders
10 Face it. It's not really a country, is it?
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH:
1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay.
2. Experience the joy of winning the World Cup for the first time
3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs.
4. If there's a war you can surrender really early.
5. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on
the 'alternative' films channel.
6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries.
7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star.
8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street
humiliating your sense of national pride.
9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just shit in the street.
10. People think you're a great lover even when you're not.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN :
1. You can have a woman president without electing her.
2. You can spell color wrong and get away with it.
3. You can call Budweiser beer.
4. You can be a crook and still be president.
5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything.
6. If you can breathe you can get a gun.
7. You get to be really obese.
8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and
nobody seems to care.
9. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy".
10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING NORWEGIAN:
1. You get to pay the highest taxes in the world.
2. You can kill baby seals and eat Rudolf the Reindeer.
3. You live in total freezing darkness half the year and get 24 hour
ozone-hole radiation the other half.
4. You can get capital punishment for smoking dope.
5. You can go skiing in your knickers.
6. You get to hate the Swedes and beat the Brazilians in football.
7. You have to be a woman to get anywhere.
8. You don't need to worry about land prices rocketing - its fairly
spacious.
9. When abroad you can impress people you meet with stories about
killing polar bears and shagging penguins - and they believe you.
10. You can actually get bored with blondes.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH :
1. Two World Wars and One World Cup.
2. Warm Ale.
3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket.
4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events.
5. Union Jack/George's Cross underpants.
6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer.
7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.
8. Bathing once a week - whether you need to or not.
9. Ditto changing underwear.
10. Beats being Welsh.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SCOTTISH :
1. Yoo arnae Sassenach (English) !
2. Yoo arnae English!
3. Yoo arnae English!
4. Yoo arnae English!
5. Yoo arnae English!
6. Yoo arnae English!
7. Yoo arnae English!
8. Yoo arnae English!
9. Yoo arnae English!
10. Yoo arnae English!
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN :
1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes.
2. Unembarrassed to wear fur.
3. No need to worry about tax returns.
4. Glorious military history prior to 400BC.
5. Can wear sunglasses inside and at night.
6. Political stability.
7. Flexible working hours.
8. Live near the Pope.
9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair.
10. Country run by Sicilian murderers.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH :
1. Glorious history of killing South American tribes.
2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees.
3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits, etc.
4. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans.
5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the real thing.
6. Honesty.
7. Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid, tight
clothes and risk your life in front of bulls.
8. You get to eat bull's testicles.
9. Gibraltar.
10. Supported Argentina in Falklands War.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN :
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
OK, let's give them a second chance
1. Oktoberfest.
2. Okotberfest-beer.
3. BMW.
4. VW.
5. Audi.
7. On a motorway you can travel at a speed that would bring you to
jail in any other country of the world.
8. You do not have to learn German as a foreign language.
9. You think Sauerkraut is delicious.
10.Contrary to common belief laughing is not forbidden by law (yet).
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING INDIAN :
1. Chicken Madras.
2. Lamb Passanda.
3. Onion Bhaji.
4. Bombay Potato.
5. Chicken Tikka Masala.
6. Rogan Josh.
7. Popadoms.
8. Chicken Dopiaza.
9. Kingfisher lager. ????
10. Aggravate everyone else by shaking your head when talking.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING WELSH:
1. You've got to be having a laugh, haven't you?
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH :
1. Guinness.
2. 18 children because you can't use contraceptives.
3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road.
4. Pubs never close.
5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in second Vatican
Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can't have sex
with a condom on.
6. No one can ever remember the night before.
7. Kill people you don't agree with.
8. Stew.
9. You can emigrate just so you can tell everyone abroad how good
Ireland is.
10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the
morning after a bout of sectarian violence.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN :
1. It beats being an American.
2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to
the
ground.
3. You can play ice hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital
to the ground.
5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her
popularity ratings will rise.
7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital
to the ground.
8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge shotguns and cover your house in their
skins.
9. Own-an-Eskimo scheme.
10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital
to the ground.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AUSTRALIAN:
1. Know your great-grand-dad was a murdering bar steward that no
civilised nation on earth wanted.
2. Fosters Lager.
3. Dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000
years because you think it belongs to you.
4. Cricket captain not afraid to cry live on TV.
5. Tact and sensitivity.
6. Bondi Beach.
7. Other beaches.
8. Liberated attitude to homosexuals.
9. Drinking cold lager on the beach.
10. Having a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager on the beach.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GREEK
1. You get to shout about your culture although the only real
culture most Greeks have is what is growing between their toes.
2. The police are even more corrupt than the criminals they are
supposed to be chasing.
3. You can blow your nose in the street by pinching it between the
thumb and forefinger and trumpeting forth without everyone around
wretching their stomach contents up at the sight.
4. Old women can sport moustaches.
5. Young women can sport moustaches.
6. Men can be hairier than the average grizzly bear and not get put in
a
zoo.
7. You get to call the bouzouki a musical instrument when the rest
of the world sees it as an instrument of torture.
8. You are the only nation to have lost its marbles and still wants
to let everyone else around the world know about it.
9. Ridiculous bureaucracy.
10. Nana Mouskouri and Demis Roussos.
|-------------------------------------| | Jesus loves you...but everyone else | | thinks you are an ass. | |-------------------------------------| |----------------------------------| | Impotence...Nature's way of | | saying "No hard feelings," | |----------------------------------| |-----------------------------------| | The proctologist called | | ...they found your head. | |-----------------------------------| |-------------------------------------| | Everyone has a photographic memory | | ...some just don't have any film. | |-------------------------------------| |----------------------------------| | Save your breath...You'll need it| | to blow up your date. | |----------------------------------| |-------------------------------| | Your ridiculous little | | opinion has been noted. | |-------------------------------| |-----------------------| | I used to have a | | handle | | on life...but it broke| | off. | |-----------------------| |---------------------------------| | WANTED: Meaningful | | overnight relationship. | |---------------------------------| |-------------------------------------| | Guys...just because you have one, | | doesn't mean you have to be one. | |-------------------------------------| |-----------------------------------------------| | Some people just don't know how to drive... | | I call these people "Everybody But Me," | |-----------------------------------------------| |-------------------------------------| | Heart Attacks...God's revenge for | | eating His animal friends. | |-------------------------------------| |------------------------| | Don't like my driving? | | Then quit watching me. | |------------------------| |------------------------------------| | If you can read this...I can | | slam on my brakes and sue you. | |------------------------------------| |---------------------------------| | Some people are only alive | | because it is illegal to shoot | | them. | |---------------------------------| |---------------------------------------------| | Try not to let your mind wander...It is too | | small and fragile to be out by itself. | |---------------------------------------------| |-------------------------| | Hang up and drive!! | |-------------------------| And The Number One Bumper Sticker you'd Like To See!! |-----------------------------------------------| | Welcome to America | | ...now speak English | |-----------------------------------------------|
Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators Olympics
1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her
snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing"
2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from
personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and
father."
4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in
boxing, but none of them really that serious."
5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can
expect the same thing again."
6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot, and the opposition doesn't like
it. In fact, you can see it all over their faces."
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC
president is hugging the cox of the British crew."
8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got
eleven Dicks on the field."
9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that,
before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh
my God, what have I just said?"
1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her
snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing"
2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from
personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and
father."
4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in
boxing, but none of them really that serious."
5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can
expect the same thing again."
6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot, and the opposition doesn't like
it. In fact, you can see it all over their faces."
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC
president is hugging the cox of the British crew."
8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got
eleven Dicks on the field."
9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that,
before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh
my God, what have I just said?"
Signs you live in 2002
1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat, he emails you back from his bedroom.
4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout cookies via her website.
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.
6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.
7. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
8. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
9. Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom of the screen.
10. You buy a computer and 6-months later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid for it.
11. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20-50 years of your life, is cause for panic and turning around to go get it.
12. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would be a hassle and takes planning.
13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
15. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
17. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored post-it notes.
18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
19. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.
20. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
21. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
22. You wake up at 2 am to go to the bathroom and check your e-mail on your way back to bed.
23. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. [:)]
24. You're reading this.
25. Even worse; you're going to forward it to someone else!!! yep...
1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat, he emails you back from his bedroom.
4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout cookies via her website.
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.
6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.
7. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
8. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
9. Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom of the screen.
10. You buy a computer and 6-months later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid for it.
11. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20-50 years of your life, is cause for panic and turning around to go get it.
12. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would be a hassle and takes planning.
13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
15. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
17. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored post-it notes.
18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
19. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.
20. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
21. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
22. You wake up at 2 am to go to the bathroom and check your e-mail on your way back to bed.
23. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. [:)]
24. You're reading this.
25. Even worse; you're going to forward it to someone else!!! yep...
Top Ten Signs You're an Iranian Girl
10. No matter how many sit-ups you do, you still have that little
pouch of stomach sticking out from all the 'pollo' you were fed
since you were a baby
9. The first thing you do when you turn thirteen is get rid of your
unibrow.
8. The second thing is to bleach your hair blond
7. The third thing is to add strawberry highlights.
6. No matter how successful you are in your career and social life,
your mother's friends still cackle : "Khob, key shoharesh midi?"
(when is she going to get married?)
5. You keep getting set up with fat hairy iranian "doctors" (then
you find out he is actually a real estate agent).
4. Your biological clock has been tick-tick-ticking since you
learned how to tell the time.
3. You think you're the most beautiful/stylish girl in the room.
When your boyfriend makes eyes at that catherine zeta-jones
lookalike, you meow: "I heard she's the town slut!"
2. With the first beats of bAbA Karam, an invisible force springs
you up from your seat and makes your hips swivel to the rhythm
until you make Elvis turn in his grave.
And the number one sign you're an Iranian Girl:
1. Waxing, Waxing, and Some more Waxing!
Top Ten Signs You're an Iranian Guy
10. You have an Intravenous bottle attached to your bed injecting
you with chelokabAb so that your chelokabAb/blood level doesn't
titter dangerously low during the night.
9. Your idol is Al Pacino in 'Scarface'.
8. You introduce yourself to blondes at nightclubs as
'half-Italian, half-Spanish'
7. Your name is Abdolghassem but for some reason your business card
reads 'Tony'
6. You will dump your neurosurgeon iranian girlfriend in a second
if you think you had a tenth of a chance with that fat polish chick
who sprays "Obsession" in the mall for a living. (But she's
blonde!!!!)
5. You are in your seventh year in "pre-med" at the University.
4. After the seventh year you switch to "pre-law"
3. After that you decide to go into real estate.
2. You own a BMW that's so old it won't start (but at least you get
to say you drive a BMW at parties!!!!)
And the number one sign you are an Iranian Guy:
1. Hair, Hair, and More Hair
---------------------------
Top 25 Signs You're an Iranian Girl
25. You are either a pharmacy student or pharmacist.
24. You've been dancing the same way all your life!
23. Your day consists mostly of gossiping--and then more gossiping.
22. Your skirts get shorter and shorter as you get older and older.
21. You think you were "wasted"...or "Haroom shodee" when you got
married...
20. You were ready to get married since the age of 10.
19. Your all uptight about what your daughter wears at first, but in 6
months you'll be dressing worse!
18. Your constantly worried what your friends might think of you...
17. You'd think it'd kill ya to shave your legs!!!!!!
16. You flirt with Persian guys but then call them losers..
15. You say you are tired of the Persian community, but yet 99.999% of
the friends you invite to your party are Persian.
14. Your parents only find out about your boyfriend the night of your
wedding...
13. Your always dragged on to the dance floor for weddings...
12. Your biggest fear is not to get married...
11. Waxing, Waxing, and Some more Waxing!
10. No matter how many sit-ups you do, you still have that little
pouch of stomach sticking out from all the 'pollo' you were fed since
you were a baby
9. The first thing you do when you turn thirteen is get rid of your
unibrow.
8. The second thing is to bleach your hair blond
7. The third thing is to add strawberry highlights.
6. No matter how successful you are in your career and social life,
your mother's friends still cackle : "Khob, key shoharesh midi?"
5. You keep getting set up with fat hairy Iranian "doctors" (then you
find out he is actually a real estate agent or works in
downtown).
4. Your biological clock has been tick-tick-ticking since you learned
how to tell the time.
3. You go for American guys because you can't get a Persian one.
2. With the first beats of bAbA Karam, an invisible force springs you
up from your seat and makes your hips swivel to the rhythm until you
make Elvis turn in his grave.
1. You can relate to at lease ONE thing on this list...
Top 25 Signs You're an Iranian Guy
25. You have an Intravenous bottle attached to your bed injecting you
with chelokabob so that your chelokabAb blood level doesn't titter
dangerously low during the night.
24. Your idol is Al Pacino in 'Scarface'.
23. You introduce yourself to blondes at nightclubs as 'half-Italian,
half-Spanish'
22. Your name is Abdolghassem but for some reason your business card
reads 'Tony'
21. You will dump your neurosurgeon Iranian girlfriend in a second if
you think you had a tenth of a chance with that fat polish chick who
sprays "Obsession" in the mall for a living. (But she's blonde!!!!)
20. You are in your seventh year in "pre-med" at the University.
19. After the seventh year you switch to "pre-law"
18. After that you decide to go into real estate.
17. You own a BMW that's so old it won't start (but at least you get
to say you drive a BMW at parties!!!!)
16. Hair, Hair, and More Hair!
15. Your friends names are Tony, Mike, and Bob, but they can't speak a
word of English!
14. You talk to your friends on the cell phone even though you can see
them in the distant!
13. Your only cure for any illness is "Chai nabat"!
12. YOU BLAME THE REVOLUTION ON EVERYONE EXCEPT YOURSELVES!
11. You were supposedly a doctor in Iran.
10. You love gourmeh sabzi!
9. You tell everyone that your parents were very close friends of the
Shah.
8. You constantly remind your kids to eat as much as you can when you
go "Meh-moony"
7. Your always asking fellow Persians about their income, and how much
they both their car, house, business...and so on
6. You make Turkish jokes even though your own parents or grandparents
were Tork.
5. Every day you have a new cell phone, which is always in your hand
or hanging out your pocket just so people can see that you have one!
4. One word: HAIR TRANSPLANT--God Bless the Bosley Institute &
Propecia!
3. NO ONE CAN PRONOUNCE YOUR NAME PROPERLY!!
2. You think Persian girls are ugly but that's only because you can't
get any!!
1. You can relate to 3 or more things on this list...
10. No matter how many sit-ups you do, you still have that little
pouch of stomach sticking out from all the 'pollo' you were fed
since you were a baby
9. The first thing you do when you turn thirteen is get rid of your
unibrow.
8. The second thing is to bleach your hair blond
7. The third thing is to add strawberry highlights.
6. No matter how successful you are in your career and social life,
your mother's friends still cackle : "Khob, key shoharesh midi?"
(when is she going to get married?)
5. You keep getting set up with fat hairy iranian "doctors" (then
you find out he is actually a real estate agent).
4. Your biological clock has been tick-tick-ticking since you
learned how to tell the time.
3. You think you're the most beautiful/stylish girl in the room.
When your boyfriend makes eyes at that catherine zeta-jones
lookalike, you meow: "I heard she's the town slut!"
2. With the first beats of bAbA Karam, an invisible force springs
you up from your seat and makes your hips swivel to the rhythm
until you make Elvis turn in his grave.
And the number one sign you're an Iranian Girl:
1. Waxing, Waxing, and Some more Waxing!
Top Ten Signs You're an Iranian Guy
10. You have an Intravenous bottle attached to your bed injecting
you with chelokabAb so that your chelokabAb/blood level doesn't
titter dangerously low during the night.
9. Your idol is Al Pacino in 'Scarface'.
8. You introduce yourself to blondes at nightclubs as
'half-Italian, half-Spanish'
7. Your name is Abdolghassem but for some reason your business card
reads 'Tony'
6. You will dump your neurosurgeon iranian girlfriend in a second
if you think you had a tenth of a chance with that fat polish chick
who sprays "Obsession" in the mall for a living. (But she's
blonde!!!!)
5. You are in your seventh year in "pre-med" at the University.
4. After the seventh year you switch to "pre-law"
3. After that you decide to go into real estate.
2. You own a BMW that's so old it won't start (but at least you get
to say you drive a BMW at parties!!!!)
And the number one sign you are an Iranian Guy:
1. Hair, Hair, and More Hair
---------------------------
Top 25 Signs You're an Iranian Girl
25. You are either a pharmacy student or pharmacist.
24. You've been dancing the same way all your life!
23. Your day consists mostly of gossiping--and then more gossiping.
22. Your skirts get shorter and shorter as you get older and older.
21. You think you were "wasted"...or "Haroom shodee" when you got
married...
20. You were ready to get married since the age of 10.
19. Your all uptight about what your daughter wears at first, but in 6
months you'll be dressing worse!
18. Your constantly worried what your friends might think of you...
17. You'd think it'd kill ya to shave your legs!!!!!!
16. You flirt with Persian guys but then call them losers..
15. You say you are tired of the Persian community, but yet 99.999% of
the friends you invite to your party are Persian.
14. Your parents only find out about your boyfriend the night of your
wedding...
13. Your always dragged on to the dance floor for weddings...
12. Your biggest fear is not to get married...
11. Waxing, Waxing, and Some more Waxing!
10. No matter how many sit-ups you do, you still have that little
pouch of stomach sticking out from all the 'pollo' you were fed since
you were a baby
9. The first thing you do when you turn thirteen is get rid of your
unibrow.
8. The second thing is to bleach your hair blond
7. The third thing is to add strawberry highlights.
6. No matter how successful you are in your career and social life,
your mother's friends still cackle : "Khob, key shoharesh midi?"
5. You keep getting set up with fat hairy Iranian "doctors" (then you
find out he is actually a real estate agent or works in
downtown).
4. Your biological clock has been tick-tick-ticking since you learned
how to tell the time.
3. You go for American guys because you can't get a Persian one.
2. With the first beats of bAbA Karam, an invisible force springs you
up from your seat and makes your hips swivel to the rhythm until you
make Elvis turn in his grave.
1. You can relate to at lease ONE thing on this list...
Top 25 Signs You're an Iranian Guy
25. You have an Intravenous bottle attached to your bed injecting you
with chelokabob so that your chelokabAb blood level doesn't titter
dangerously low during the night.
24. Your idol is Al Pacino in 'Scarface'.
23. You introduce yourself to blondes at nightclubs as 'half-Italian,
half-Spanish'
22. Your name is Abdolghassem but for some reason your business card
reads 'Tony'
21. You will dump your neurosurgeon Iranian girlfriend in a second if
you think you had a tenth of a chance with that fat polish chick who
sprays "Obsession" in the mall for a living. (But she's blonde!!!!)
20. You are in your seventh year in "pre-med" at the University.
19. After the seventh year you switch to "pre-law"
18. After that you decide to go into real estate.
17. You own a BMW that's so old it won't start (but at least you get
to say you drive a BMW at parties!!!!)
16. Hair, Hair, and More Hair!
15. Your friends names are Tony, Mike, and Bob, but they can't speak a
word of English!
14. You talk to your friends on the cell phone even though you can see
them in the distant!
13. Your only cure for any illness is "Chai nabat"!
12. YOU BLAME THE REVOLUTION ON EVERYONE EXCEPT YOURSELVES!
11. You were supposedly a doctor in Iran.
10. You love gourmeh sabzi!
9. You tell everyone that your parents were very close friends of the
Shah.
8. You constantly remind your kids to eat as much as you can when you
go "Meh-moony"
7. Your always asking fellow Persians about their income, and how much
they both their car, house, business...and so on
6. You make Turkish jokes even though your own parents or grandparents
were Tork.
5. Every day you have a new cell phone, which is always in your hand
or hanging out your pocket just so people can see that you have one!
4. One word: HAIR TRANSPLANT--God Bless the Bosley Institute &
Propecia!
3. NO ONE CAN PRONOUNCE YOUR NAME PROPERLY!!
2. You think Persian girls are ugly but that's only because you can't
get any!!
1. You can relate to 3 or more things on this list...
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled
the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and
with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the
railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door
frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would
have thought himself already in heaven. There, spread out upon newspapers
on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate
chip cookies. Was it heaven? Was it one final act of heroic love from his
devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering
one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his
knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of
the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand, shakingly made its way to a cookie at the edge
of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."
the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and
with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the
railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door
frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would
have thought himself already in heaven. There, spread out upon newspapers
on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate
chip cookies. Was it heaven? Was it one final act of heroic love from his
devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering
one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his
knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of
the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand, shakingly made its way to a cookie at the edge
of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."
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AQUARIUS (1/20-2/10) You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be
progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because
you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.
PISCES (2/19-3/20) You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being
followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people
resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a
stupid sack of shit.
ARIES (3/21-4/19) You are the pioneer type and think most people are dickheads.
You are quick tempered, impatient and scornful of advice. You are a prick.
TAURUS (4/20-5/20) You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged
determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and
bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamn communist.
GEMINI (5/21-6/20) You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you
because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little.
This means you are a cheap bastard. Gemini's are notorious for thriving on
incest.
CANCER (6/21-7/22) You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's
problems which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is
why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit. Everyone in prison
is a Cancer.
LEO (7/23-8/22) You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an
idiot. Most Leo's are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest
criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers
and spend most of their time kissing mirrors.
VIRGO (8/23-9/22) You are the logical type and hate disorder. This shitpicking
is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep
while fucking. Virgo's make good bus drivers and pimps
LIBRA (9/23-10/22) You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with
reality. If your male, you are probably queer. Chances for employment and
monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libra's die of venereal
disease.
SCORPIO (10/23-11/21) The worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and
cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your
total lack of ethics. You are a son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpio's are
murdered.
SAGITTARIUS (11/22-12/21) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a
reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of
Sagittarians are drunks. Nixon was a Sagittarius. You are not worth the time of
day.
CARPICORN (12/22-1/19) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are
basically a chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You
should kill yourself.
-
progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because
you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.
PISCES (2/19-3/20) You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being
followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people
resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a
stupid sack of shit.
ARIES (3/21-4/19) You are the pioneer type and think most people are dickheads.
You are quick tempered, impatient and scornful of advice. You are a prick.
TAURUS (4/20-5/20) You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged
determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and
bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamn communist.
GEMINI (5/21-6/20) You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you
because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little.
This means you are a cheap bastard. Gemini's are notorious for thriving on
incest.
CANCER (6/21-7/22) You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's
problems which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is
why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit. Everyone in prison
is a Cancer.
LEO (7/23-8/22) You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an
idiot. Most Leo's are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest
criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers
and spend most of their time kissing mirrors.
VIRGO (8/23-9/22) You are the logical type and hate disorder. This shitpicking
is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep
while fucking. Virgo's make good bus drivers and pimps
LIBRA (9/23-10/22) You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with
reality. If your male, you are probably queer. Chances for employment and
monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libra's die of venereal
disease.
SCORPIO (10/23-11/21) The worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and
cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your
total lack of ethics. You are a son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpio's are
murdered.
SAGITTARIUS (11/22-12/21) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a
reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of
Sagittarians are drunks. Nixon was a Sagittarius. You are not worth the time of
day.
CARPICORN (12/22-1/19) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are
basically a chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You
should kill yourself.
-
Ur HEART beats faster when U hear O their name.
UR body melts when U R in their arms.
They R the only G that U want 2 be with.
No G else is even worth looking at..
U would walk B miles N the ]snow just 2 C them
U will do everything N UR power to make them HaPpY
When some1 asks for Ur No#, Usay " U can (call ( my /boy/girl friend kget it from them.
When every romantic thing makes U think of them.
When U :: CrY:: when you won't C each other 4 a whil.
U go 2 zZzZzZzZzZz sleepThinking about them.
Uwake UP thinking about them
U want 2 spend every 6 moment with them
U don't mind if all they want 2 do is cuddle
Silence doesn't bother U
They R not only UR Y lover, but also Ur best friend
U can tell them anything
U can go 2 the movies k actually WATCH the movie, they R always there 4 U.
They R there when times R rough
When U say, "I LOVE YOU " k mean it.
UR body melts when U R in their arms.
They R the only G that U want 2 be with.
No G else is even worth looking at..
U would walk B miles N the ]snow just 2 C them
U will do everything N UR power to make them HaPpY
When some1 asks for Ur No#, Usay " U can (call ( my /boy/girl friend kget it from them.
When every romantic thing makes U think of them.
When U :: CrY:: when you won't C each other 4 a whil.
U go 2 zZzZzZzZzZz sleepThinking about them.
Uwake UP thinking about them
U want 2 spend every 6 moment with them
U don't mind if all they want 2 do is cuddle
Silence doesn't bother U
They R not only UR Y lover, but also Ur best friend
U can tell them anything
U can go 2 the movies k actually WATCH the movie, they R always there 4 U.
They R there when times R rough
When U say, "I LOVE YOU " k mean it.
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How do you make a Tork laugh on Saturday? Tell him a
joke on Wednesday.
Why did the Tork stare at an orange juice can for 2
hours? Because it said 'concentrate'.
How do you keep a Tork busy forever? Write 'Please
turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
Why can't Tork make ice cubes? They always forget the
recipe.
How did the Tork try to kill the bird? He threw it off
a cliff.
Why did 18 Tork go to a movie? Because "below 18" was
not allowed !!!
What do you call a Tork in an institution of higher
learning? A visitor.
A Tork ordered an extra large pizza. The clerk asked
if he should cut it in 6 or 12 pieces. "Six, please. I
could never eat twelve pieces."
Tork #1: "Have you ever read Shakespeare? Tork #2:
"No, who wrote it?"
What about the Tork's wife who gave birth to twins?
Her husband is out looking for the other man.
joke on Wednesday.
Why did the Tork stare at an orange juice can for 2
hours? Because it said 'concentrate'.
How do you keep a Tork busy forever? Write 'Please
turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
Why can't Tork make ice cubes? They always forget the
recipe.
How did the Tork try to kill the bird? He threw it off
a cliff.
Why did 18 Tork go to a movie? Because "below 18" was
not allowed !!!
What do you call a Tork in an institution of higher
learning? A visitor.
A Tork ordered an extra large pizza. The clerk asked
if he should cut it in 6 or 12 pieces. "Six, please. I
could never eat twelve pieces."
Tork #1: "Have you ever read Shakespeare? Tork #2:
"No, who wrote it?"
What about the Tork's wife who gave birth to twins?
Her husband is out looking for the other man.
Here's a divergence from the usual dirty humor...
for the intellectual crowd. Put on your thinking cap for this one:
1) X=Y ; Given
2) X^2=XY ; Multiply both sides by X
3) X^2-Y^2=XY-Y^2 ; Subtract Y^2 from both sides
4) (X+Y)(X-Y)=Y(X-Y) ; Factor
5) X+Y=Y ; Cancel out (X-Y) term
6) 2Y=Y ; Substitute X for Y, by equation 1
7) 2=1 ; Divide both sides by Y
-- Proof that 2 equals 1
for the intellectual crowd. Put on your thinking cap for this one:
1) X=Y ; Given
2) X^2=XY ; Multiply both sides by X
3) X^2-Y^2=XY-Y^2 ; Subtract Y^2 from both sides
4) (X+Y)(X-Y)=Y(X-Y) ; Factor
5) X+Y=Y ; Cancel out (X-Y) term
6) 2Y=Y ; Substitute X for Y, by equation 1
7) 2=1 ; Divide both sides by Y
-- Proof that 2 equals 1
>>>Two foreign nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat
>>> > and one says to the other, "I hear that the people
>>> > of this country actually eat dogs."
>>> >
>>> > "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live
>>> > in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
>>> >
>>> > Nodding emphatically, the Mother Superior points to
>>> > a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.
>>> >
>>> > "Two dogs, please," says one.
>>> >
>>> > The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps
>>> > both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter.
>>> > Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin
>>> > to unwrap their 'dogs'.
>>> >
>>> > The Mother Superior is first to open hers. She begins
>>> > to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans
>>> > over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What
>>> > part did you get?"
>>> > and one says to the other, "I hear that the people
>>> > of this country actually eat dogs."
>>> >
>>> > "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live
>>> > in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
>>> >
>>> > Nodding emphatically, the Mother Superior points to
>>> > a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.
>>> >
>>> > "Two dogs, please," says one.
>>> >
>>> > The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps
>>> > both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter.
>>> > Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin
>>> > to unwrap their 'dogs'.
>>> >
>>> > The Mother Superior is first to open hers. She begins
>>> > to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans
>>> > over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What
>>> > part did you get?"
Comments
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A man goes to the doctor and gets a check up. The doctor finishes the exam
and tells the man, "I have some bad news, you only have have about two weeks
left to live".
The man is shocked. He asks the doctor, "Is there is any thing that he could
do to make the time that I have left more tolerable?"
The doctor thinks for a moment. "There is one thing that you could do".
"Just name it, I'll do whatever it is". He tells the man to take alot of mud
baths, two or three a day.
The man looks at his doctor asks, "Will that help my condition"?
The doctor says, "No, but it will get you used to the dirt."
and tells the man, "I have some bad news, you only have have about two weeks
left to live".
The man is shocked. He asks the doctor, "Is there is any thing that he could
do to make the time that I have left more tolerable?"
The doctor thinks for a moment. "There is one thing that you could do".
"Just name it, I'll do whatever it is". He tells the man to take alot of mud
baths, two or three a day.
The man looks at his doctor asks, "Will that help my condition"?
The doctor says, "No, but it will get you used to the dirt."
> Recently a survey was conducted by the U.N. worldwide.
>
> The question asked was, " Would you please give your
> opinion about the food shortage in the rest of the
> world?" The survey was a huge failure.
>
> -In Africa they did not know what 'food' meant.
> -In Western Europe, they did not know what 'shortage'
> meant.
> -In Eastern Europe they did not know what 'opinion'
> meant.
> -In South America they did not know what 'please'
> meant.
> -And in the U.S. they did not know what 'the rest of
> the world'meant.
>
>
> The question asked was, " Would you please give your
> opinion about the food shortage in the rest of the
> world?" The survey was a huge failure.
>
> -In Africa they did not know what 'food' meant.
> -In Western Europe, they did not know what 'shortage'
> meant.
> -In Eastern Europe they did not know what 'opinion'
> meant.
> -In South America they did not know what 'please'
> meant.
> -And in the U.S. they did not know what 'the rest of
> the world'meant.
>
Comments
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The following is the transcript of an actual radio
conversation in October 1995, between a US Navy ship
off the coast of Newfoundland, and some Canadians.
The transcript was released by the Chief of Naval
Operations on 10/10/95.
CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the
South, to avoid a collision
AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees
to the North, to avoid a collision
CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your
course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: This is the Captain of US Navy ship. I say
again, divert YOUR course.
CANADIANS: Negative. I say again. You will have to
divert your course.
AMERICANS: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN.
THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC
FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE
CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT
YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S 15
DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN
TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
CANADIANS: We are a lighthouse. Your call.
conversation in October 1995, between a US Navy ship
off the coast of Newfoundland, and some Canadians.
The transcript was released by the Chief of Naval
Operations on 10/10/95.
CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the
South, to avoid a collision
AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees
to the North, to avoid a collision
CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your
course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: This is the Captain of US Navy ship. I say
again, divert YOUR course.
CANADIANS: Negative. I say again. You will have to
divert your course.
AMERICANS: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN.
THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC
FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE
CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT
YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S 15
DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN
TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
CANADIANS: We are a lighthouse. Your call.
UNIVERSITY OF MIAMI ENTRANCE EXAM- FOOTBALL PLAYER VERSION
Time Limit: 3 Weeks
1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with
particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social
conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
A. build a bridge
B. sail the ocean
C. lead an army or
D. WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope?
A. Jewish
B. Catholic
C. Hindu
D. Polish
E. Agnostic (check only one)
5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little
hand is on the 5?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America's far north called?
A. Westerners
B. Southerners
C. Northerners
9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one
being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
11. Where does rain come from?
A. Macy's
B. a 7-11
C. Canada
D. the sky
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
A. yes
B. no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what
country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium
-OR-spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
A. New York
B. Florida
C. Canada
D. Wisconsin
18. Advanced math: If you have three apples, how many apples
do you have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?
20. The University of Miami tradition for efficiency began
when? (approximately)
A. B.C.
B. A.D.
C. still waiting
*You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify.
Time Limit: 3 Weeks
1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with
particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social
conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
A. build a bridge
B. sail the ocean
C. lead an army or
D. WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope?
A. Jewish
B. Catholic
C. Hindu
D. Polish
E. Agnostic (check only one)
5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little
hand is on the 5?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America's far north called?
A. Westerners
B. Southerners
C. Northerners
9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one
being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
11. Where does rain come from?
A. Macy's
B. a 7-11
C. Canada
D. the sky
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
A. yes
B. no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what
country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium
-OR-spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
A. New York
B. Florida
C. Canada
D. Wisconsin
18. Advanced math: If you have three apples, how many apples
do you have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?
20. The University of Miami tradition for efficiency began
when? (approximately)
A. B.C.
B. A.D.
C. still waiting
*You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify.
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts terribly. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the corner drugstore. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a heck of a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore.
He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.
He pours the sample into a funnel and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, scraped some oil off the driveway and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. Your Volvo needs rings.
6. And If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the corner drugstore. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a heck of a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore.
He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.
He pours the sample into a funnel and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, scraped some oil off the driveway and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. Your Volvo needs rings.
6. And If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
A BMW car asked a Volkswagen "why are your eyes
poping out of your body?"
the Volkswagen replies "let them put a motor in your
ass and see what happens to YOUR eyes!!!!!!!!!!!!"
poping out of your body?"
the Volkswagen replies "let them put a motor in your
ass and see what happens to YOUR eyes!!!!!!!!!!!!"
A small Maine town was looking for a way to increase attendance and
participation at their regular town hall meetings.
One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist. The officials agreed, a
famous hypnotist was hired, publicity distributed, and everyone was
pleased.
A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the towns people sat
fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch.
The hypnotist began chanting: "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the
watch....."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed
the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist's fingers slipped and
the watch fell to the floor.
"Shit," said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the town hall.
participation at their regular town hall meetings.
One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist. The officials agreed, a
famous hypnotist was hired, publicity distributed, and everyone was
pleased.
A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the towns people sat
fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch.
The hypnotist began chanting: "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the
watch....."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed
the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist's fingers slipped and
the watch fell to the floor.
"Shit," said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the town hall.
1. Brush your teeth during class. While doing so, raise your hand as ifyou have a question, and mumble your question incoherently while brushing,spewing othpaste all over the place. If your professor objects to youractions, go on a tirade about proper oral hygiene.
2. Sit way at the back of the room, up against the wall, to get as faraway from your professor as possible. While he/she is lecturing, shoutout things like, "What!?" and "Speak up! You're mumbling!" If yourprofessor advises you to sit closer to the front, tell him/her you can'tbecause you're scouting the room for assassins."
3. If you have an early morning class, get there before anyone else, andbring a pillow, some blankets, an air mattress, and an alarm clock. Wearyour pajamas. Lie down on the air mattress with the pillow and theblankets and act like you're asleep. Have the alarm set for about twominutes into class. When it goes off, preferably very loudly, hit the"snooze" button and go back to sleep. Keep doing so for the duration ofthe class.
4. Dispute everything your professor says, no matter how simple. Try toget him/her to "prove" everything to you. Rant and rave about what a bigliar your professor is. Yell at students who are taking notes, saying,"Stop writing down all these lies!"
5. Show up to class about ten minutes late. Ride into the room on abicycle, yell, "Look out!", and crash into the blackboard. Get up, takea seat, and act like nothing happened. Do this every day.
6. Keep "accidentally" setting fires at your desk. Burn notebooks,papers, or whatever you have handy. Whenever you start a fire, nomatter how small it is, start yelling, "Fire! Fire!" and run out of theroom in a panic. Don't return for the rest of class.
7. Hide somewhere inside the classroom. Wait for your professor to takeattendance. Don't come out when he/she calls your name. Halfway throughclass, jump out and yell, "Just kidding! I'm here! Fooled you again!"Sit down and be quiet for the rest of class.
8. Wrap yourself in bandages and come to class in a wheelchair.Throughout class, cry a lot and moan things like, "Why me?" and "Pleasekill me!" Get up during class, like your going to miraculously startwalking. Instead, fall down, cry out in pain, and wait for someone tohelp you back up. When class is over, say, "I feel better now," leap up,and run home.
9. Come to class with a jar full of angry hornets. Five minutes intoclass, release the hornets, scream, and run away.
10. Bring a vacuum to class. Halfway through class, stand up and startusing it. If your professor objects, explain that you "can't standsitting in this pigsty any longer." Keep vacuuming, grumbling angrily.
11. Bring a small cactus to class with you. Raise your hand, and whenyou're called on, say that the cactus has a question. Turn and look atthe cactus, as if you're waiting for it to say something. After a fewmoments, shrug, and wait for your professor to move on. Do this once aday, and become increasingly irritated with the cactus every time,sighing heavily and giving it evil looks when it fails to "speak." Whenyou leave the room after class, start yelling at the cactus, "I can'tbelieve you embarrassed me AGAIN...."
12. Every time your professor stutters, do a shot. If he/she objects,explain that drinking games make the class more interesting.
2. Sit way at the back of the room, up against the wall, to get as faraway from your professor as possible. While he/she is lecturing, shoutout things like, "What!?" and "Speak up! You're mumbling!" If yourprofessor advises you to sit closer to the front, tell him/her you can'tbecause you're scouting the room for assassins."
3. If you have an early morning class, get there before anyone else, andbring a pillow, some blankets, an air mattress, and an alarm clock. Wearyour pajamas. Lie down on the air mattress with the pillow and theblankets and act like you're asleep. Have the alarm set for about twominutes into class. When it goes off, preferably very loudly, hit the"snooze" button and go back to sleep. Keep doing so for the duration ofthe class.
4. Dispute everything your professor says, no matter how simple. Try toget him/her to "prove" everything to you. Rant and rave about what a bigliar your professor is. Yell at students who are taking notes, saying,"Stop writing down all these lies!"
5. Show up to class about ten minutes late. Ride into the room on abicycle, yell, "Look out!", and crash into the blackboard. Get up, takea seat, and act like nothing happened. Do this every day.
6. Keep "accidentally" setting fires at your desk. Burn notebooks,papers, or whatever you have handy. Whenever you start a fire, nomatter how small it is, start yelling, "Fire! Fire!" and run out of theroom in a panic. Don't return for the rest of class.
7. Hide somewhere inside the classroom. Wait for your professor to takeattendance. Don't come out when he/she calls your name. Halfway throughclass, jump out and yell, "Just kidding! I'm here! Fooled you again!"Sit down and be quiet for the rest of class.
8. Wrap yourself in bandages and come to class in a wheelchair.Throughout class, cry a lot and moan things like, "Why me?" and "Pleasekill me!" Get up during class, like your going to miraculously startwalking. Instead, fall down, cry out in pain, and wait for someone tohelp you back up. When class is over, say, "I feel better now," leap up,and run home.
9. Come to class with a jar full of angry hornets. Five minutes intoclass, release the hornets, scream, and run away.
10. Bring a vacuum to class. Halfway through class, stand up and startusing it. If your professor objects, explain that you "can't standsitting in this pigsty any longer." Keep vacuuming, grumbling angrily.
11. Bring a small cactus to class with you. Raise your hand, and whenyou're called on, say that the cactus has a question. Turn and look atthe cactus, as if you're waiting for it to say something. After a fewmoments, shrug, and wait for your professor to move on. Do this once aday, and become increasingly irritated with the cactus every time,sighing heavily and giving it evil looks when it fails to "speak." Whenyou leave the room after class, start yelling at the cactus, "I can'tbelieve you embarrassed me AGAIN...."
12. Every time your professor stutters, do a shot. If he/she objects,explain that drinking games make the class more interesting.
> I have one
> You have one
> Your mother uses your father's one
> And your auntie uses your uncle's one
> A married lady would acquire one
> But a divorced lady would lose her one
> Arnold Schwarzenneger has a longer one
> Michael J. Fox has a shorter one
> Madonna doesn't have one
> The Chinese usually have short ones
> While the Indian usually have long ones
> Do you have one?
> How long is your one?
> Which one is your preferred one?
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> (see below for answer)
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> what you are thinking of! go down......
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Answer : its your Surname, what else !!
> but I like the way you think .........
>
>
> You have one
> Your mother uses your father's one
> And your auntie uses your uncle's one
> A married lady would acquire one
> But a divorced lady would lose her one
> Arnold Schwarzenneger has a longer one
> Michael J. Fox has a shorter one
> Madonna doesn't have one
> The Chinese usually have short ones
> While the Indian usually have long ones
> Do you have one?
> How long is your one?
> Which one is your preferred one?
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> (see below for answer)
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> what you are thinking of! go down......
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Answer : its your Surname, what else !!
> but I like the way you think .........
>
>
60 degrees:
Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one in their wardrobe!)
50 degrees:
Miami residents turn on the heat
40 degrees:
You can see your breath
Californians shiver uncontrollably
Minnesotans go swimming
35 degrees:
Italian cars don´t start
32 degrees:
Water freezes
30 degrees:
You plan your vacation to Australia
Minnesotans put on T-shirts
Politicians begin to worry about the homeless
British cars don´t start
25 degrees:
Boston water freezes
Californians weep pitiably
Minnesotans eat ice cream
Canadians go swimming
20 degrees:
You can hear your breath
Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
New York City water freezes
Miami residents plan vacations farther South
15 degrees:
French cars don´t start
You plan a vacation in Mexico
Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
10 degrees:
Too cold to ski
You need jumper cables to get the car going
5 degrees:
You plan your vacation in Houston
American cars don´t start
0 degrees:
Alaskans put on T-shirts
Too cold to skate
-10 degrees:
German cars don´t start
Eyes freeze shut when you blink
-15 degrees:
You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
Arkansans stick tongue to metal objects
Miami residents cease to exist
-20 degrees:
Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you
Politicians actually do something about the homeless
Minnesotans shovel snow off roof
Japanese cars don´t start
-25 degrees:
Too cold to think
You need jumper cables to get the driver going
-30 degrees:
You plan a two-week hot bath
The Mighty Monongahela freezes
Swedish cars don´t start
-40 degrees:
Californians disappear
Minnesotans button top button
Canadians put on sweaters
Your car helps you plan your trip South
-50 degrees:
Congressional hot air freezes
-80 degrees:
Hell freezes over
Alaskans close the bathroom window
Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one in their wardrobe!)
50 degrees:
Miami residents turn on the heat
40 degrees:
You can see your breath
Californians shiver uncontrollably
Minnesotans go swimming
35 degrees:
Italian cars don´t start
32 degrees:
Water freezes
30 degrees:
You plan your vacation to Australia
Minnesotans put on T-shirts
Politicians begin to worry about the homeless
British cars don´t start
25 degrees:
Boston water freezes
Californians weep pitiably
Minnesotans eat ice cream
Canadians go swimming
20 degrees:
You can hear your breath
Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
New York City water freezes
Miami residents plan vacations farther South
15 degrees:
French cars don´t start
You plan a vacation in Mexico
Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
10 degrees:
Too cold to ski
You need jumper cables to get the car going
5 degrees:
You plan your vacation in Houston
American cars don´t start
0 degrees:
Alaskans put on T-shirts
Too cold to skate
-10 degrees:
German cars don´t start
Eyes freeze shut when you blink
-15 degrees:
You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
Arkansans stick tongue to metal objects
Miami residents cease to exist
-20 degrees:
Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you
Politicians actually do something about the homeless
Minnesotans shovel snow off roof
Japanese cars don´t start
-25 degrees:
Too cold to think
You need jumper cables to get the driver going
-30 degrees:
You plan a two-week hot bath
The Mighty Monongahela freezes
Swedish cars don´t start
-40 degrees:
Californians disappear
Minnesotans button top button
Canadians put on sweaters
Your car helps you plan your trip South
-50 degrees:
Congressional hot air freezes
-80 degrees:
Hell freezes over
Alaskans close the bathroom window
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very
embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before
she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any?
On the day after it was supposed to have snowed but didn't, a female news
anchor turned to the weatherman and asked "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you
promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were
laughing so hard!
embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before
she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any?
On the day after it was supposed to have snowed but didn't, a female news
anchor turned to the weatherman and asked "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you
promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were
laughing so hard!
Comments
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A young man walked into the local welfare office, marched straight
up to the counter and said, "Hi, I hate drawing welfare.
I would really rather find a job."
The man behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing.
We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a
chauffeur/bodyguard for his nympho daughter.
You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, but the suits,
shirts,
and ties are provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will
also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady
on
her overseas holidays.
The salary package is $200,000 a year.".
The young man said,"You're bullshitting me man!"
The man behind the counter said, "Well, you started it!"
up to the counter and said, "Hi, I hate drawing welfare.
I would really rather find a job."
The man behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing.
We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a
chauffeur/bodyguard for his nympho daughter.
You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, but the suits,
shirts,
and ties are provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will
also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady
on
her overseas holidays.
The salary package is $200,000 a year.".
The young man said,"You're bullshitting me man!"
The man behind the counter said, "Well, you started it!"
Comments
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MONEY
It can buy a House
But not a Home
It can buy a Bed
But not Sleep
It can buy a Clock
But not Time
It can buy you a Book
But not Knowledge
It can buy you a Position
But not Respect
It can buy you Medicine
But not Health
It can buy you Blood
But not Life
It can buy you Sex
But not Love
Money isn't everything
It often causes pain and suffering
I tell you this
cause I'm your friend
and want to take away
your pain and suffering
So send me all your money
and I will suffer for you
I ACCEPT CASH, MONEY ORDERS,
PERSONAL CHECKS, CASHIERS
CHECKS, BAGS OF GOLD,
BARS OF PLATINUM, GRADE 5 PLUTONIUM,
ETC...
It can buy a House
But not a Home
It can buy a Bed
But not Sleep
It can buy a Clock
But not Time
It can buy you a Book
But not Knowledge
It can buy you a Position
But not Respect
It can buy you Medicine
But not Health
It can buy you Blood
But not Life
It can buy you Sex
But not Love
Money isn't everything
It often causes pain and suffering
I tell you this
cause I'm your friend
and want to take away
your pain and suffering
So send me all your money
and I will suffer for you
I ACCEPT CASH, MONEY ORDERS,
PERSONAL CHECKS, CASHIERS
CHECKS, BAGS OF GOLD,
BARS OF PLATINUM, GRADE 5 PLUTONIUM,
ETC...
>>
>>Try it! quite accurate. Eg:
>>J - Jealously
>>O - You are very open-minded
>>E - You are a very exciting person
>>Y - You cause a lot of trouble
>>
>>What you do is find out what each letter of your name means. Then connect
>>all the meanings and it describes you. If you have double or triple
>>letters, just count the meaning once.
>>
>>
>>A - You can be very quiet when you have something on your mind.
>>B - You are always cautious when it comes to meeting new people.
>>C - You definately have a partier side in you, don't be shy to show it.
>>D - You have trouble trusting people.
>>E - You are a very exciting person.
>>F - Everyone loves you.
>>G - You have excellant ways of viewing people.
>>H - You are not jugdmental.
>>I - You have a bad temper sometimes.
>>J - Jealously
>>K - You like to try new things.
>>L - Love is a hard word for you to comprehend.
>>M - Success comes easily to you.
>>N - You like to work, but you always want a break.
>>O - You are very open-minded.
>>P - You have a lack of understanding people, you only focus on you.
>>Q - You are a hypocrite.
>>R - You are a social butterfly.
>>S - You are very close-minded.
>>T - You have an attitude, a big one.
>>U - You feel like you have to equal up to people's standards.
>>V - You are very verbal.
>>W - You like your privacy.
>>X - You never let people tell you what to do.
>>Y - You cause a lot of trouble.
>>Z - You're always fighting with someone.
>>
>>So say your name is Jessica....you are a very exciting person,but you
>>don't always show your partier side. You have a bad temper and get jealous
>>easily. You are close-minded and tend to be very quiet when something is
>>going on.
>>
>
>>Try it! quite accurate. Eg:
>>J - Jealously
>>O - You are very open-minded
>>E - You are a very exciting person
>>Y - You cause a lot of trouble
>>
>>What you do is find out what each letter of your name means. Then connect
>>all the meanings and it describes you. If you have double or triple
>>letters, just count the meaning once.
>>
>>
>>A - You can be very quiet when you have something on your mind.
>>B - You are always cautious when it comes to meeting new people.
>>C - You definately have a partier side in you, don't be shy to show it.
>>D - You have trouble trusting people.
>>E - You are a very exciting person.
>>F - Everyone loves you.
>>G - You have excellant ways of viewing people.
>>H - You are not jugdmental.
>>I - You have a bad temper sometimes.
>>J - Jealously
>>K - You like to try new things.
>>L - Love is a hard word for you to comprehend.
>>M - Success comes easily to you.
>>N - You like to work, but you always want a break.
>>O - You are very open-minded.
>>P - You have a lack of understanding people, you only focus on you.
>>Q - You are a hypocrite.
>>R - You are a social butterfly.
>>S - You are very close-minded.
>>T - You have an attitude, a big one.
>>U - You feel like you have to equal up to people's standards.
>>V - You are very verbal.
>>W - You like your privacy.
>>X - You never let people tell you what to do.
>>Y - You cause a lot of trouble.
>>Z - You're always fighting with someone.
>>
>>So say your name is Jessica....you are a very exciting person,but you
>>don't always show your partier side. You have a bad temper and get jealous
>>easily. You are close-minded and tend to be very quiet when something is
>>going on.
>>
>
>WHAT IS IT?
>
>Schwartzenegger has a big one ... Michael J. Fox has a small one
>... Madonna doesn't have one ... The Pope has one but doesn't
>use his ... Clinton uses his all the time ... Mickey Mouse has an
>unusual one ... George Burns's was hot ... Liberace never used his with
>women ... Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his ... We never saw Lucy
>use Desi's ...
>
>
>
>
> Scroll down to find out what the answer is!
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>The answer is: "A last name"
>
>Schwartzenegger has a big one ... Michael J. Fox has a small one
>... Madonna doesn't have one ... The Pope has one but doesn't
>use his ... Clinton uses his all the time ... Mickey Mouse has an
>unusual one ... George Burns's was hot ... Liberace never used his with
>women ... Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his ... We never saw Lucy
>use Desi's ...
>
>
>
>
> Scroll down to find out what the answer is!
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>The answer is: "A last name"
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Comments
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1. The Wall Street Journal is read by people who run the country.
2. The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The Washington Post is read by people who think they should run the country.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however, like their smog statistics shown in pie charts.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave L.A. to do it.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country, and they did a far superior job of it, thank you veddy much.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care, as long as they can get a seat on the train.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country either, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped, minority, feminist, atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from any country or galaxy as long as they are democrats.
10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.
2. The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The Washington Post is read by people who think they should run the country.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however, like their smog statistics shown in pie charts.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave L.A. to do it.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country, and they did a far superior job of it, thank you veddy much.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care, as long as they can get a seat on the train.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country either, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped, minority, feminist, atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from any country or galaxy as long as they are democrats.
10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS MEXICAN:
1. His first name was Jesus
2. He was bilingual
3. He was always being harassed by the authorities.
But then there were equally good arguments that JESUS WAS BLACK:
1. He called everybody "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.
But then there were equally good arguments that JESUS WAS JEWISH:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure he was God.
But then there were equally good arguments that JESUS WAS ITALIAN:
1. He talked with his hands
2. He had wine with every meal
3. He used olive oil.
But then there were equally good arguments that JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN:
1. He never cut his hair
2. He walked around barefoot
3. He started a new religion.
But then there were equally good arguments that JESUS WAS IRANIAN:
1. He had to shave more than once a day
2. He used to take off his shoes when entering a house
3. He claimed he was Italian
But then there were equally good arguments that JESUS WAS IRISH:
1. He never got married
2. He was always telling stories
3. He loved green pastures.
But perhaps the most compelling evidence shows that JESUS WAS A WOMAN:
1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who JUST DIDN'T GET IT!
3. Even when he was dead, he had to get up because there was more work for him to do.
1. His first name was Jesus
2. He was bilingual
3. He was always being harassed by the authorities.
But then there were equally good arguments that JESUS WAS BLACK:
1. He called everybody "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.
But then there were equally good arguments that JESUS WAS JEWISH:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure he was God.
But then there were equally good arguments that JESUS WAS ITALIAN:
1. He talked with his hands
2. He had wine with every meal
3. He used olive oil.
But then there were equally good arguments that JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN:
1. He never cut his hair
2. He walked around barefoot
3. He started a new religion.
But then there were equally good arguments that JESUS WAS IRANIAN:
1. He had to shave more than once a day
2. He used to take off his shoes when entering a house
3. He claimed he was Italian
But then there were equally good arguments that JESUS WAS IRISH:
1. He never got married
2. He was always telling stories
3. He loved green pastures.
But perhaps the most compelling evidence shows that JESUS WAS A WOMAN:
1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who JUST DIDN'T GET IT!
3. Even when he was dead, he had to get up because there was more work for him to do.
GEORGE W. BUSH
I don't think I should have to answer that question.
AL GORE
I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the
chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two
different functions of government in a new,
reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.
RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road
had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not
reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was
crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.
PAT BUCHANAN
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
RUSH LIMBAUGH
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll
bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet
someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with
crossing-the-road syndrome.
Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take?
Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say
tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from
you to build roads for chickens to cross.
MARTHA STEWART
If the chicken crossed the road on my property, I would
be fully justified in blocking its exit until the local authorities could
arrive to arrest it for trespassing. I am a private person and should not
have to be subjected to the "innocent mistakes" of common
chickens.
JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you
people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to
the "other side. "That's what "they" call it - the "other side." Yes, my
friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become
gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination
that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like
"the other side."
DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed, I've not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain. Alone.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without
having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough
for us.
BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be
listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story
of how it overcame a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its
lifelong dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.
ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX
It was a historical inevitability.
SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite
justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
VOLTAIRE
I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will
defend to the death its right to do it.
RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?
KEN STARR
I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the
behest of the President of the United States of America in an effort to
distract law enforcemment officials and the American public from the
criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover
up.
As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the
president's ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine
the rule of law. For that reason, my staff
intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he cooperates
fully with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be
permitted to reach the other side of the road until our investigation and
any Congressional follow-up investigations have been completed.
CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How
many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the
chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying
sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES
I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not
only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your
important documents, and balance your checkbook---
and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the
road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What
do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?
LOUIS FARRAKHAN
The road, you will see, represents the black man.
The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to
trample him and keep him down.
THE BIBLE
And God came down from the heavens, and He said
unto the chicken," Thou shalt cross the road" And the
chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one?
----
Another version:
GEORGE W. BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.
AL GORE
I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.
BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?
RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.
PAT BUCHANAN
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
RUSH LIMBAUGH
I don't know why the chicken crossed the
road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.
MARTHA STEWART
No one called to warn me which way that
chicken was going. I had a standing
order at the farmer's market to sell
my eggs when the price dropped to a
certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it
obvious? Can't you people see the plain
truth in front of your face? The chicken
was going to the "other side." That's what
they call it -- the other side. Yes, my
friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you
eat that chicken, you will become gay too.
I say we boycott all chickens until we sort
out this abomination that the liberal media
whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases
like "the other side."
DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he
cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken
crossed the road, but why it crossed,
I've not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain. Alone.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will
be free to cross roads without having their
motives called into question.
GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken
crossed the road. Someone told us that
the chicken crossed the road, and that
was good enough for us.
BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in
peace.
ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the
road.
KARL MARX
It was a historical inevitability.
SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?
CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone
before.
FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own
eyes! How many more chickens have to
cross before you believe it?
SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES
I have just released eChicken 2003, which
will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or
did the road move beneath the chicken?
JOHNNY COCHRAN
Because the road was black and the chicken
was white. We must acquit.
THE BIBLE
And God came down from the heavens, and He
said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross
the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one?
I don't think I should have to answer that question.
AL GORE
I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the
chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two
different functions of government in a new,
reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.
RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road
had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not
reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was
crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.
PAT BUCHANAN
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
RUSH LIMBAUGH
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll
bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet
someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with
crossing-the-road syndrome.
Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take?
Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say
tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from
you to build roads for chickens to cross.
MARTHA STEWART
If the chicken crossed the road on my property, I would
be fully justified in blocking its exit until the local authorities could
arrive to arrest it for trespassing. I am a private person and should not
have to be subjected to the "innocent mistakes" of common
chickens.
JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you
people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to
the "other side. "That's what "they" call it - the "other side." Yes, my
friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become
gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination
that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like
"the other side."
DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed, I've not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain. Alone.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without
having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough
for us.
BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be
listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story
of how it overcame a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its
lifelong dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.
ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX
It was a historical inevitability.
SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite
justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
VOLTAIRE
I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will
defend to the death its right to do it.
RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?
KEN STARR
I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the
behest of the President of the United States of America in an effort to
distract law enforcemment officials and the American public from the
criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover
up.
As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the
president's ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine
the rule of law. For that reason, my staff
intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he cooperates
fully with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be
permitted to reach the other side of the road until our investigation and
any Congressional follow-up investigations have been completed.
CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How
many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the
chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying
sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES
I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not
only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your
important documents, and balance your checkbook---
and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the
road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What
do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?
LOUIS FARRAKHAN
The road, you will see, represents the black man.
The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to
trample him and keep him down.
THE BIBLE
And God came down from the heavens, and He said
unto the chicken," Thou shalt cross the road" And the
chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one?
----
Another version:
GEORGE W. BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.
AL GORE
I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.
BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?
RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.
PAT BUCHANAN
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
RUSH LIMBAUGH
I don't know why the chicken crossed the
road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.
MARTHA STEWART
No one called to warn me which way that
chicken was going. I had a standing
order at the farmer's market to sell
my eggs when the price dropped to a
certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it
obvious? Can't you people see the plain
truth in front of your face? The chicken
was going to the "other side." That's what
they call it -- the other side. Yes, my
friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you
eat that chicken, you will become gay too.
I say we boycott all chickens until we sort
out this abomination that the liberal media
whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases
like "the other side."
DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he
cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken
crossed the road, but why it crossed,
I've not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain. Alone.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will
be free to cross roads without having their
motives called into question.
GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken
crossed the road. Someone told us that
the chicken crossed the road, and that
was good enough for us.
BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in
peace.
ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the
road.
KARL MARX
It was a historical inevitability.
SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?
CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone
before.
FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own
eyes! How many more chickens have to
cross before you believe it?
SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES
I have just released eChicken 2003, which
will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or
did the road move beneath the chicken?
JOHNNY COCHRAN
Because the road was black and the chicken
was white. We must acquit.
THE BIBLE
And God came down from the heavens, and He
said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross
the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one?
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**WHY TEACHERS GO CRAZY**
TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?
STUDENT: Seven.
TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?
STUDENT: Nine.
TEACHER: That's impossible.
STUDENT: No, it isn't, Teacher. I'm eight today.
-------------------------------------------------------
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George
-------------------------------------------------------
TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that
we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLY: Me!
-------------------------------------------------------
SUBSTITUTE TEACHER: Are you chewing gum?
BILLY: No, I'm Billy Anderson.
-------------------------------------------------------
TEACHER: Didn't you promise to behave?
STUDENT: Yes, Sir.
TEACHER: And didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't?
STUDENT: Yes, Sir, but since I broke my promise,
I don't expect you to keep yours.
-------------------------------------------------------
TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.
-------------------------------------------------------
HAROLD:Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do?
TEACHER: Of course not.
HAROLD: Good, because I didn't do my homework.
-------------------------------------------------------
TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
-------------------------------------------------------
TEACHER: I hope I didn't see you looking at Don's paper.
JOHN: I hope you didn't either.
-------------------------------------------------------
GARY: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test.
TEACHER: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.
TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?
STUDENT: Seven.
TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?
STUDENT: Nine.
TEACHER: That's impossible.
STUDENT: No, it isn't, Teacher. I'm eight today.
-------------------------------------------------------
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George
-------------------------------------------------------
TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that
we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLY: Me!
-------------------------------------------------------
SUBSTITUTE TEACHER: Are you chewing gum?
BILLY: No, I'm Billy Anderson.
-------------------------------------------------------
TEACHER: Didn't you promise to behave?
STUDENT: Yes, Sir.
TEACHER: And didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't?
STUDENT: Yes, Sir, but since I broke my promise,
I don't expect you to keep yours.
-------------------------------------------------------
TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.
-------------------------------------------------------
HAROLD:Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do?
TEACHER: Of course not.
HAROLD: Good, because I didn't do my homework.
-------------------------------------------------------
TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
-------------------------------------------------------
TEACHER: I hope I didn't see you looking at Don's paper.
JOHN: I hope you didn't either.
-------------------------------------------------------
GARY: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test.
TEACHER: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.
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A) Because of the Sun the flowers receive?
B) Because Flower Pollen is naturally Golden?
C) Because it's manufactured that way?
D) I don't know.
The answer may be found below.
A little lower...
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to
the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair all different colors, green, red,
orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared.
The young man said, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild
in your life?"
The old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot.* I was
just wondering if you were my son."
the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair all different colors, green, red,
orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared.
The young man said, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild
in your life?"
The old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot.* I was
just wondering if you were my son."
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A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little
lisp:
"Excuthe me, mithter, where do keep the wittle wabbits?"
And the shop keeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level,
and asks, "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy black
wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle brown wabby over there?"
She in turn puts her hand on her knees, leans forward and says in a
quiet voice:
"I don't fink my pyfon really gives a thit!"
lisp:
"Excuthe me, mithter, where do keep the wittle wabbits?"
And the shop keeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level,
and asks, "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy black
wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle brown wabby over there?"
She in turn puts her hand on her knees, leans forward and says in a
quiet voice:
"I don't fink my pyfon really gives a thit!"
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day:
The first worm in alcohol-- dead
Second worm in cigarette smoke-- dead
Third worm in sperm-- dead
Fourth worm in soil-- alive
Lesson: As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't get worms
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day:
The first worm in alcohol-- dead
Second worm in cigarette smoke-- dead
Third worm in sperm-- dead
Fourth worm in soil-- alive
Lesson: As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't get worms
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The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well
dressed middle aged French woman and the seat was being used by her
dog. The weary traveler asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I need that
seat.
The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and
said, "You Americans. Your are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my
little FiFi is using that seat?"
The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but
after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing
the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit
there?".
I'm very tired." The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted "You
Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant....Imagine!"
The American didn't say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the
dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty
seat.
The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her
honor and chastise the American.
An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly "You
know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong
thing.
You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the
wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the
window.
dressed middle aged French woman and the seat was being used by her
dog. The weary traveler asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I need that
seat.
The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and
said, "You Americans. Your are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my
little FiFi is using that seat?"
The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but
after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing
the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit
there?".
I'm very tired." The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted "You
Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant....Imagine!"
The American didn't say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the
dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty
seat.
The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her
honor and chastise the American.
An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly "You
know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong
thing.
You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the
wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the
window.
You know you're obsessed with The Simpsons when:
You watch two hours of the Simpsons a day (or as many as your TV station airs it)
Whenever you hear a good thing you say: excellent, like Mr. Burns.
You have almost every episode on tape
You've memorized at least one episode
Every day you discuss Simpsons episodes with your friends
You worship the god of cartoons: Matt Groening.
All (or most) of your friends are Simpsons fans
You have whole conversations in Simpsons quotes
You write crossovers of Austin Powers (or your favorite book/show/movie) and The Simpsons
Whenever you see an embarassing moment, you say: HA HA! Like Nelson
You've been interested in The Simpsons for as long as it exsisted.
Whenever you hear about a reference to The Simpsons in a book,(and no, Futurama doesn't count, for it is made by holy Matt Greoning) you read it, no matter what it's about
You call Matt Greoning Holy Matt Greoning
You've converted most of your friends and family to Simpsons fans
You compare everyone to Simpsons characters
Whenever you make a mistake, you say: D'oh!
You memorized [almost] all of the songs on The Simpsons
You use "a hoi hoi" as a greeting
You watch two hours of the Simpsons a day (or as many as your TV station airs it)
Whenever you hear a good thing you say: excellent, like Mr. Burns.
You have almost every episode on tape
You've memorized at least one episode
Every day you discuss Simpsons episodes with your friends
You worship the god of cartoons: Matt Groening.
All (or most) of your friends are Simpsons fans
You have whole conversations in Simpsons quotes
You write crossovers of Austin Powers (or your favorite book/show/movie) and The Simpsons
Whenever you see an embarassing moment, you say: HA HA! Like Nelson
You've been interested in The Simpsons for as long as it exsisted.
Whenever you hear about a reference to The Simpsons in a book,(and no, Futurama doesn't count, for it is made by holy Matt Greoning) you read it, no matter what it's about
You call Matt Greoning Holy Matt Greoning
You've converted most of your friends and family to Simpsons fans
You compare everyone to Simpsons characters
Whenever you make a mistake, you say: D'oh!
You memorized [almost] all of the songs on The Simpsons
You use "a hoi hoi" as a greeting
You make $100,000 a year, yet still can't find a place to live.
Your commute time is 45 minutes and you live 8 miles away from work.
Stop asking how much things cost but, ask "How long will it take?"
Two-Thirds of the people you know are from Boston or New York, but
you are living in PST.
Know vast differences difference between Thai, Vietnamese, Chinese,
Japanese, Cantonese, and Korean food.
Your home computer contains mostly hardware/software that is not on
the consumer market yet.
Go to "The City" on weekends but don't live there because you like
your car.
Think that "I'm going to Fry's." is an acceptable excuse to leave the
office for a while, and your boss does too.
Lost your alarm clock. You'll get to work when you get there.
Go to an industrial-heavy-metal bar and see two guys get into a fight
over what flavor of Unix is better.
Own mor e than 10 articles of clothing that have hardware/software
companies printed on them. Bonus for embroidered stuff.
"Your best buys..." you know the rest.
You know where Woz Way, Resistor Ave, and Floppy Dr are located.
You know who Woz is.
You know 280 North runs west, and 680 North runs east.
Even though Microsoft employs quite a few programmers in the Bay
Area, they only work on Powerpoint, and the company is
still the embodiment of Satan, even if their stock IS worth more than
yours.
You see a billboard that says "FPGA2ASIC" and aren't phased
When you need the updated Diamond Monster 3D drivers, you just walk
across the street.
You have more bandwidth in your apartment or condo than most major
universities.
You have to hire security to keep the panhandlers off your terrace
(Oakland/Berkeley).
None of the people you work with are bible thumpers.
You scan yard sales for back issues of "Dr. D obbs."
Your favorite computer reseller speaks only Cantonese.
Your work place vending machines dispense "100% natural twig-bars"
right next to Jolt cola and Instant Espresso mix.
No one brings radio's into work - they just use RealAudio and listen
to thedj.com, rebelradio.com, or other out of state
stations.
You have a personal relationship with a master vintner in Napa.
Your friends just bought a $500,000 fixer-upper.
When your work station crashes you wave crystals over it to help it
heal.
You had a personal web site long before IBM, Apple or Microsoft ever
even heard of the internet.
The most successful relationship of your life is with someone you
have never met in person.
When you see a guy wearing a propeller beanie walking on the beach at
Santa Cruz, you don't laugh, your stop and pay
homage, because you know he's a rich programmer who's stock just went
public.
You give someone your E-mail address BEFORE you give them your phone
number.
You know how to pronounce over a dozen Indian (not Native American)
surnames.
You can't find any ties when your wife wants to go to the one
restaurant within a hundred miles that requires one.
You consider charity to be investing in a risky startup.
You consider rose' wine drinkers to be poor white trash.
Your European vacation consisted of a week of meetings in a
windowless room in Scotland, and an hour of shopping at the
duty-free in Heathrow.
Your commute time is 45 minutes and you live 8 miles away from work.
Stop asking how much things cost but, ask "How long will it take?"
Two-Thirds of the people you know are from Boston or New York, but
you are living in PST.
Know vast differences difference between Thai, Vietnamese, Chinese,
Japanese, Cantonese, and Korean food.
Your home computer contains mostly hardware/software that is not on
the consumer market yet.
Go to "The City" on weekends but don't live there because you like
your car.
Think that "I'm going to Fry's." is an acceptable excuse to leave the
office for a while, and your boss does too.
Lost your alarm clock. You'll get to work when you get there.
Go to an industrial-heavy-metal bar and see two guys get into a fight
over what flavor of Unix is better.
Own mor e than 10 articles of clothing that have hardware/software
companies printed on them. Bonus for embroidered stuff.
"Your best buys..." you know the rest.
You know where Woz Way, Resistor Ave, and Floppy Dr are located.
You know who Woz is.
You know 280 North runs west, and 680 North runs east.
Even though Microsoft employs quite a few programmers in the Bay
Area, they only work on Powerpoint, and the company is
still the embodiment of Satan, even if their stock IS worth more than
yours.
You see a billboard that says "FPGA2ASIC" and aren't phased
When you need the updated Diamond Monster 3D drivers, you just walk
across the street.
You have more bandwidth in your apartment or condo than most major
universities.
You have to hire security to keep the panhandlers off your terrace
(Oakland/Berkeley).
None of the people you work with are bible thumpers.
You scan yard sales for back issues of "Dr. D obbs."
Your favorite computer reseller speaks only Cantonese.
Your work place vending machines dispense "100% natural twig-bars"
right next to Jolt cola and Instant Espresso mix.
No one brings radio's into work - they just use RealAudio and listen
to thedj.com, rebelradio.com, or other out of state
stations.
You have a personal relationship with a master vintner in Napa.
Your friends just bought a $500,000 fixer-upper.
When your work station crashes you wave crystals over it to help it
heal.
You had a personal web site long before IBM, Apple or Microsoft ever
even heard of the internet.
The most successful relationship of your life is with someone you
have never met in person.
When you see a guy wearing a propeller beanie walking on the beach at
Santa Cruz, you don't laugh, your stop and pay
homage, because you know he's a rich programmer who's stock just went
public.
You give someone your E-mail address BEFORE you give them your phone
number.
You know how to pronounce over a dozen Indian (not Native American)
surnames.
You can't find any ties when your wife wants to go to the one
restaurant within a hundred miles that requires one.
You consider charity to be investing in a risky startup.
You consider rose' wine drinkers to be poor white trash.
Your European vacation consisted of a week of meetings in a
windowless room in Scotland, and an hour of shopping at the
duty-free in Heathrow.
1) Your job interferes with your drinking.
2) Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
3) Career won't progress beyond Senator of Massachusetts.
4) The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
5) Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
6) Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
7) You can focus better with one eye closed.
8) The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
9) Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
10) Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, forget dinner!
11) You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
12) You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
13) Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
14) At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
2) Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
3) Career won't progress beyond Senator of Massachusetts.
4) The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
5) Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
6) Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
7) You can focus better with one eye closed.
8) The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
9) Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
10) Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, forget dinner!
11) You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
12) You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
13) Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
14) At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
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