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• After fifteen minutes, I wanted to marry her, and after thirty minutes I completely gave up the idea of stealing her purse.
  -- Woody Allen, "Take the Money and Ru...
• While everyone can't be rich, wise and handsome, two out of three isn't bad.
• Don't knock masturbation---it's sex with someone I love. -- Woody Alle
• My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. -- Woody Alle
• I never want to marry. I just want to get divorced. -- Woody Allen, "Love and Death
• I'm very old-fashioned. I believe that people should marry for life, like pigeons and Catholics.
  -- Woody Alle...
• As a boy he dreamed of being a ship's captain, but gave it up when someone explained to him what sharks were .
  .." -- Woody Alle...
• I'm not the heroic type. I was beaten up by Quakers. -- Woody Allen, Sleepe
• An eighty-year-old woman is rocking away the afternoon on her porch when she sees an old, tarnished lamp sitting near the steps.
  She picks it up, rubs it gently, and lo and behold a genie appears!...