Related:

• Friday afternoon, I'm walking home from school and I'm watching some men building a new house.
  And the guy hammering on the roof calls me a paranoid little weirdo....
• New York's such a wonderful city, but at the library the guy was very rude.
  I said I'd like a card. He said, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York....
• My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes. -- Emo Philip
• I left for college. Dad said, "I'm going to miss you.
  I said, "Well, now that I broke the sight off your rifle....
• I was walking through the park. I had a very bad asthmatic attack.
  These three asthmatics attacked me. I know ... I should've heard them all hiding. -- Emo Philip...
• The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on television?
  I said, "I don't know. You can't see out the other way." -- Emo Phillip...
• My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
  -- Emo Philip...
• The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence.
  .. sort of like the Post Office with tanks. -- Emo Philip...
• Homer: I think Lisa needs another push on her new tire swing!
  Lisa: No, Dad, I want to get down. This tire is filthy and the steel belts are poking me....