Related:

• I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside.
  I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said....
• I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire.
  No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out....
• When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, "No speaka English.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• I have to laugh when I think of the first cigar, because it was probably just a bunch of rolled-up tobacco leaves.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• I(ve) B(een) M(islead)
• I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky.
  Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh....
• At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays.
  But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?...
• I remember one day I was at Grandpa's farm and I asked him about sex.
  He sort of smiled and said, "Maybe instead of telling you what sex is, why don't we go out to the horse pasture and I'll show you....
• If you're an archeologist, I bet it's real embarrassing to put together a skull from a bunch of ancient bone fragments, but then it turns out it's not a skull but just an old dried-out potato.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...