Related:

• If I was being executed by injection, I'd clean up my cell real neat.
  Then, when they came to get me, I'd say, "Injection?...
• You know what scares me? The X ray! What's the matter with those rays if the dentist has to hide in the next room?
  He's got this great big thing focused at you going buzz and he's hiding....
• If I lived back in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron.
  That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like, "Hey look....
• I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky.
  Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh....
• I wish there was a disease where you're afraid of clouds, because I think I could cure it.
  First, you sit the patient down and have a long personal talk....
• I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire.
  No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out....
• There should be a detective show called "Johnny Monkey
  because every week you could have a guy say "I ain't gonna get caught by no MONKEY," but then he would, and I don't think I'd ever get tired of that....
• Jacques: First, you must get to know your lane. Feel the slickness, feel the slippery finish.
  Caresses it, experience it. Quite smooth, isn't it?...
• Homer: First Bush invades my home turf, then he takes my pals, then he makes fun of the way I talk -- probably.
  Now he steals my right to raise a disobedient, smart-alecky son!...