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• In America today ... we have Woody Allen, whose humor has become so sophisticated that nobody gets it any more except Mia Farrow.
  All those who think Mia Farrow should go back to making movies where the devil gets her pregnant and Woody Allen should go back to dressing up as a human sperm, please raise your hands....
• Radio Days Who's Pearl Harbor? --Mia Farrow
• I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats.
  -- Woody Allen, on the KKK...
• We like your movies - especially the early, funny ones. -- Woody Allen, "Stardust Memorie
• Jacques: First, you must get to know your lane. Feel the slickness, feel the slippery finish.
  Caresses it, experience it. Quite smooth, isn't it?...
• QUEEN Not much of a career to get into if you can help it.
  Tends to involve flying all over the place being famous....
• In the afternoons, Gertrude Stein and I used to go antique hunting in the local shops, and I remember once asking her if she thought I should become a writer.
  In the typically cryptic way we were all so enchanted with, she said, "No....
• Ever since prehistoric times, wise men have tried to understand what, exactly, make people laugh.
  That's why they were called "wise men." All the other prehistoric people were out puncturing each other with spears, and the wise men were back in the cave saying...