Related:

• I wish outer-space guys would conquer Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little basket-beds with my name on it.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down.
  I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell....
• Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK HE'S GOING?
  ! -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• Tonight's secret code word is Mud Shark; and (of course) with the Mud Shark secret code word goes--- the Mud Shark arpeggio
  a lovely little arpeggio....
• There should be a detective show called "Johnny Monkey
  because every week you could have a guy say "I ain't gonna get caught by no MONKEY," but then he would, and I don't think I'd ever get tired of that....
• I think that a hat which has a little cannon that fires and then goes back inside the hat is at least a decade away.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus's-flytrap.
  The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth....
• It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...