Related:

• One time a little parakeet flew in our window. My mom was making some hot chocolate, and she had a whole boiling pot of hot milk.
  And the parakeet flew right into that boiling milk....
• When my mom got really mad, she would say, "Your butt is my meat.
  Not a particularly attractive phrase. And I always wondered, "Now, what wine goes with that?...
• 8) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat.
  I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim." --Paula Poundstone...
• Jacques: First, you must get to know your lane. Feel the slickness, feel the slippery finish.
  Caresses it, experience it. Quite smooth, isn't it?...
• A man was griping to his friend about how he hated to go home after a late card games.
  "You wouldn't believe what I go through to avoid waking my wife," he said....
• MOM, CAN I SET FIRE TO MY BED MATTRESS? No, Calvin.
  CAN I RIDE MY TRICYCLE ON THE ROOF? No, Calvin....
• Homer: Don't worry, this frosting will come right off.
  [looking to the ball] Beauty, isn't she? Marge...
• Marge: Hmm. Bart, what's wrong? There's something a little off about your hug.
  Bart: Mom, I need to tell you something. I kind of -- Marge...
• Milhouse: Bart, my mom won't let me be your friend any more.
  That's why you couldn't come to the party....