Related:

• I will not be a pawn for the Prince of Darkness any longer -- Indigo Girl
• Much to his Mum and Dad's dismay, Horace ate himself one day.
  He didn't stop to say his grace, he just sat down and ate his face....
• Homer: Ehh, someone had to take the babysitter home.
  Then I noticed she was sitting on the gummi Venus, so I grabbed it off her....
• Grimes: Oh, I, I can't stand it any longer. This whole plant is insane.
  Insane, I tell you! [snaps mentally] Daahh! Aaah!...
• A guy went to a party wearing shoes with high heels.
  He put peanut butter in the empty space. He sat with one leg crossed over the other so that the peanut butter was plainly visible....
• When you see someone across the room and suddenly know for a fact that he's the most wonderful man on earth, you've got instant lust on your hands.
  Something about the way his tie is knotted is infinitely intriguing to you, and the swell of his bicep causes inner turmoil....
• An expert is someone who knows some of the worst mistakes that can be made in his subject and how to avoid them.
  -- Werner Karl Heisenberg (1901-1976) German physici...
• Please do not shoot the pianist. He is doing his best.
  --Oscar Wilde, from Impressions of America (quoting someone in 'Leadville')...
• Florence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she turned to her husband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer!
  My joules! Someone has stolen my joules!" "Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "keep your balance and reflux a moment....