Related:

• Families, when a child is born Want it to be intelligent.
  I, through intelligence, Having wrecked my whole life, Only hope the baby will prove Ignorant and stupid....
• While walking down a crowded City street the other day
  I heard a little urchin To a comrade turn and say, "Say, Chimmey, lemme tell youse, I'd be happy as a clam If only I was de feller dat Me mudder t'inks I am....
• These are only my views, and I am proud of them.
• The happiest day of my life was three Sundays ago. I was sitting on my daddy's knee when the Sai
  who were four-and-a-half point favorites, but only up by three, kicked a meaningless field goal at the last second to cover the spread....
• Castration?!? Oh my god! I thought he said circumcision!
• If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I?
  If not now, when? -- Rabbi Hillel...