Related:

• Two mortuaries have closed recently, due to (oh, sorry about this, really I am) the stiff competition!
• Homer: Ooh! It's that new show about the policeman who solves crimes in his spare time.
  Bart: Crank it, Homer! Chief: You busted up that crack house pretty bad, McGonigle....
• Of course I am sure you have all heard of Ma and Pa Kettle getting bored with life and deciding to go on the new television program, Divorce Court.
  They even agreed to get a divorce, just to see how it would feel....
• The following appeared in a memo from the president of Bower Builders, a company that constructs new homes.
  "A nationwide survey reveals that the two most desired home features are a bathroom with a whirlpool tub and a large kitchen....
• Talk about excitement. If you really want to have excitement in your life, try raising rabbits.
  Every day is a hare raising event! (I think it is time for an apology, sorry, really sorry about this one!...
• One evening Mr. Rudolph Block, of New York, found himself seated at dinner alongside Mr.
  Percival Pollard, the distinguished critic. "Mr. Pollard," said he, "my book, "The Biography of a Dead Cow", is published anonymously, but you can hardly be ignorant of its authorship....
• That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in a bar.
  "How do you know?" the friend asked. "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been she said she'd spent the night with her sister Shirley....
• Abe: That's _my_ ambulance. I called for it four hours ago.
  Homer: Marge, how did you know -- Marge: That the pants would rip?...
• The following appeared in an editorial in the Mason City newspaper.
  "At present, Mason City residents seldom use the nearby Mason River for any kind of recreational activity, even though surveys of the region's residents consistently rank water sports (swimming, fishing, and boating) as a favorite form of recreation....