Related:

• You have reached 843-4734. Please hold while I process your call.
  (Pause.) Our extremely sophisticated computer system performed a trace on your number and was able to match it with our list of important callers....
• Answering machine message "Thank you for calling the United States War Department.
  At the tone, please leave your name, phone number, and a brief message with the name of the country you wish to invade....
• Thank you for calling Uncle Tom's Mortuary and Delicatessen.
  You stab 'em and we slab 'em. We have specials on Mondays and Thursdays....
• You have reached the Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missile Storage Facility.
  We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and target or list of targets, and we'll launch as soon as we can....
• Answering machine message "Thank you for calling the [insert city name here] Opera Auditioning Hotline!
  At the tone, sing one of your favorite pieces, and leave a short message containing your name and phone number....
• Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG... E
  o diplomats are able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist tone, leave name, telephone number, and short description of secrets you wish to sell....
• Hi, you've reached the home of George Ledec. If you are calling to collect a student loan, gambling debt, or other obligation, please press 1 and hang up now.
  If you are selling any product or service, or requesting charitable donations, please press 2 and hang up now....
• Imitating Mr. Rogers:) Hello. I'm in the Neighborhood of Make Believe right now, so I can't come to the phone.
  Can you leave your name and number when you hear the sound of the tone?...
• In Japan, the hand can be used like a knife. (Heeeeee-YAH!
  Sound of smashing box of kleenex.) But this method doesn't work with a telephone call....