Related:

• My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers.
  He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was....
• I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?
  I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it....
• I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
  -- Steven Wrigh...
• My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour.
  I said, "the whole time." -- Steven Wrigh...
• While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom.
  They put it in EXACTLY the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said...
• When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?
  ' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.' -- Steven Wrigh...
• One day, when I came home from work, I accidently put my car key in the door of my apartment building.
  .. I turned it... and the whole building started up....
• I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me.
  .. I pushed '1' and he just stood there... I said 'Hi, where you going?...
• One time the police stopped me for speeding. They said, "Don't you know the speed limit is fifty-five miles an hour?
  I said, "Yeah, I know, but I wasn't going to be out that long." -- Steven Wrigh...