Related:

• Congratulations! By correctly dialing 123-4567, you have become eligible to leave a message!
  (Applause.) Join the lucky few that have advanced to the next level!...
• As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality.
  You begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone......
• I don't exist at the moment, but if you leave your message, name and number, I'll call you back when I am.
  .. (or) I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person....
• We're not home now. Leave your name and number and we'll call you back as soon as you are a vegetarian.
  (Replace "vegetarian" with prejudice of your choice....
• In Japan, the hand can be used like a knife. (Heeeeee-YAH!
  Sound of smashing box of kleenex.) But this method doesn't work with a telephone call....
• Fairly boring message:) This is John. I can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave a message at the tone, I'll return your call.
  (Now, re-record the message every morning. Frequent callers will notice that something sounds different, but will be confused since the words are exactly the same....
• Hi, this is Ed. I'm secretly replacing Faisal and Bob with dark sparkling Folger's Crystals.
  Leave your name, number, and a brief message and they'll call you back when they're nice and percolated....
• Imitating Mr. Rogers:) Hello. I'm in the Neighborhood of Make Believe right now, so I can't come to the phone.
  Can you leave your name and number when you hear the sound of the tone?...
• Ahhhhhhhhh... ahhhhhhhhhh... (Heavy breathing sounds, like an obscene phone call.
  ) Oh, nuts, YOU called ME! Sorry. Never mind. Leave your name and number at the beep....