Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in The Holiday Season, that very
special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old
traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We
traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we
see a shopper emerge from the mall. Then we follow her, in very much the same
spirit as the Three Wise Men, who, 2,000 years ago, followed a star, week after
week, until it led them to a parking space.
We try to keep our bumper about 4 inches from the shopper's calves, to
let the other circling cars know that she belongs to us. Sometimes, two cars
will get into a fight over whom the shopper belongs to, similar to the way
great white sharks will fight over who gets to eat a snorkeler. So, we follow
our shopper closely, hunched over the steering wheel, whistling "It's Beginning
to Look a Lot Like Christmas" through our teeth, until we arrive at her car,
which is usually parked several time zones away from the mall. Sometimes our
shopper tries to indicate she was merely planning to drop off some packages and
go back to shopping. But, when she hears our engine rev in a festive fashion
and sees the holiday gleam in our eyes, she realizes she would never make it.
-- Dave Barry, "Holiday Joy -- Or, the Great Parking Lot
Skirmish"
