Gentlemen,
Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the approach
to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently complying
with your requests which have been sent by H.M. ship from London to Lisbon and
thence by dispatch to our headquarters.
We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all
manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds me accountable.
I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and spleen of every officer.
Each item and every farthing has been accounted for, with two regrettable
exceptions for which I beg your indulgence.
Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains unaccounted
for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has been a hideous
confusion as the the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry
regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This reprehensible carelessness
may be related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are war with France, a
fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall.
This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation of
my instructions from His Majesty's Government so that I may better understand
why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I construe that perforce it
must be one of two alternative duties, as given below. I shall pursue either
one with the best of my ability, but I cannot do both:
1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the benefit
of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance:
2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain.
-- Duke of Wellington, to the British Foreign Office,
London, 1812
What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I hop into the shower
stall. Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped in I landed
barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot character
from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off of
while he showers....
